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Modern Warfare 3

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This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT SOAP DIES, KAMAROV DIES, MAKAROV KNOWS YURI AND THEN HE DIES TOO, FROST AND HIS WHOLE SQUAD DIE, SOME AMERIFAT FAMILY DIES IN LONDON, MODERN WARFARE 3 HAS NO DEDICATED SERVERS FOR PC!!!1
Seriously
Seriously
Change number on title, call it a sequel.

Behold, No-dick's greatest achivement. Finally, a way to achieve max cash with minimal effort.

Modern Warfare 3 (AKA: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2: Electric Boogaloo DLC, Generic Shooter 3, Modern Warfare 2.5, Cowadooty Rehashed Warfare 2.5 DLC, Call of Duty: Same Shit Every Year 3, Money Wasted 3, Soap and Price Save The World, and Campsite Simulator the Game 3: Still Camping), is the highly successful and Jewgolds-generating sequel to Modern Warfare 2 and it prides itself on being MOAR REALISTICAL THAN THE LAST GAEM WITH BETTAR GRAPHICS ND' GUNPLAYYY XD!!1!!.

Relying on an archaic engine from 2007, this game promises to offer you a totally different experience than any other CoD game, intense gunplay, squad tactics, a deep and engaging story line, and hundreds of hours of multiplayer fun. OH WAIT, JUST KIDDING. This thing is, once again, the same fucking thing as last time, and is held together solely by the massive jizz generated by the orgy of the millions that paid for this pathetic excuse of vidya. The graphics look about as good as CoD4's, which was made in FUCKING 2007. The story is typical of CoD, Commie Russians fuck shit up, and you have to stop them! AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!, that kind of shit. but really, it is really the same thing as last time. Also, on the Master Race Machine, this thing was promoted as having dedicated servers, but in fact, those dedicated servers are only for unranked games, so if you want to unlock shit, you have to play on IWNET. The leveling system is also ass-backwards, making it so you have to level up universally to get unlocks for guns, instead of just using the guns you like and getting unlocks for those guns.

Record breaking sales? You bet, asshole. Fucking 45 million copies. According to the sales records, you and everybody in your home owns at least three copies, which is the only statistical improvement from Modern Warfare 2.

Production

  1. Open MW2 file
  2. Save as "MW3"
  3. Be lazy and add a hastily drawn silhouette of a soldier on the title. Add snow effects so people will think that the background is white instead of nonexistent.
  4. ????
  5. Profit!

"Plot"

Similar to Modern Warfare 2's attempt at displaying the srs bsn of war within the mission No Russian. Modern Warfare 3 attempts an equally pathetic attempt at tugging on gamer's heart strings by blowing up some loli.

Poorly made and wasting 4 hours on even Hardcore difficulty. It also contains Frenchies who, of course, can't fucking fight for themselves, so the world's next shittiest army is called in to defend them. The game (being a poorly created mod of MW2, itself a poorly created mod of CoD 4/World at War, thereby making it double poor), apart from some reskinned weapons/equipment/etc. and "new" multiplayer maps that are far too small and cluttered, has ABSOLUTELY NO change at all from Modern Warfare 2's gameplay.

Difficulty levels

Because Infinity Ward wants to make the game seem longer by increasing difficulty to hide that fact that it's 5 minutes long, right?

  • Recruit: You will never be killed on this difficulty by anything, even a freaking RPG shot to the face.
  • Regular: Same difficulty as Recruit, but with more enemies and shit like that.
  • Hardened: Despite how normally difficult this setting is, you'll still complete the campaign in less than 10 seconds flat.
  • Veteran: Grenade spam has been jacked up to insane levels, wait Infinity Ward, you made this game like Treyarch.

Missions

Mission 1 – Everyone shoots the fuck out of Wall Street, which has been taken over by Russians, and Frost destroys a satellite dish to deprive the invading Russians of porn.

Mission 2 – Frost and company navigate their way through the dead hookers, shopping carts, needles, and other shit in New York Harbor in order to infiltrate a giant Russian dildo, put 9mm of hot lead into all its occupants and turn its weapons against the Russian fleet.

Mission 3 – Soap magically survives three hours of bleeding from his aorta. Price and his new bitch Yuri pwn Makarov’s faceless mercenaries who pulled their enemies possible safehouse locations out of a hat and just happened to pick the right one.

Mission 4 – PUTIN CAN'T BE CAPTURED. Some new Russfag is on a plane on its way to sign a peace treaty with the West. Makarov is angry because someone made fun of his penis, and decides to blow them all to high Hell using Russian nukes, so he blows up the plane, steals Russfag's daughter and interrogates Russfag.

Mission 5 – Price, Yuri and Soap demonstrate that they can't even stop third-world niggers from shipping poison gas around the world.

Mission 6 – SAS mission in London to stop the release of the gas, which fails. This mission caused some of the Britfag old media to BAWWWWWW because it's supposedly like the July 7th 2005 bombing, because God forbid, somebody has a 'Nam-style flashback about a bombing.

Mission 7 – Not really a mission, but it does feature an Americunt loli and her parents getting pwnt by a fart bomb. Players can skip this mission if they are fucking crybabies.

Mission 8 – Ivan rolls into Berlin of all places just like in the good old days and captures Joe Biden, so Sandman and rest of Delta go in to rescue him.

Mission 9 – Price, Yuri and Soap kill moar niggers and choke their leader with gas to get him to tell them who to kill next before shooting him in the head anyway.

Mission 10 – The Russians are in Paris (?) and the French Army has been destroyed (surprise, surprise). Then like always, America goes in to save the French and capture Volk, Makarov's bomb maker. You eventually get Volk after a block-long chase, ramming his car into a wreck with a police van, and beating the shit out of him for no reason at all, other than for the lulz.

Mission 11 – You're in an AC-130 and you get to pwn the fuck out of Russians and Paris, causing epic lulz. Also, you knock down the Eiffel Tower and nobody cares about it.

Mission 12 – Price, Yuri and Soap are in the Czech Republic for cheap to go all JFK on Makarov's ass. Sorta like "All Ghillied Up", but with less ghillies.

Mission 13 – Everybody tries to kill Makarov. Because it's not the end of the game, they fail, miserably. Soap dies from a 3-foot fall. Yuri tells Price that he used to nuke U.S. Marines for a living. He also says he was retconned into sorta kinda knowing Price when he blew Zakhaev's arm off and trying to stop the massacre, got shot with a .50AE round and was okay in time for the game.

Mission 14 – Price and Yuri infiltrate a castle to find Makarov and find Putin getting raped and hear the plan to rape Putin's daughter too in order to get launch codes. They get discovered, people get capped, and everything blows up, blah, blah blah.

Mission 15 – Super mega D-Force move to protect Putin's daughter in Berlin from ultranationalist rape but fails hard and she gets captured. Despite being the second or so mission playing in Germany, that's the only scene you only get to see awesome Nazi tanks for about 2 minutes before a building falls on them.

Mission 16 – Price, Yuri, D-Force and everybody else go to some mine and bails out Putin and Loli Putin. Price's crimes are somehow forgiven. Oh, and if you didn't read the top of the page: THE DELTA TEAM IS MIA.

Mission 17 – Price and Yuri go Rambo in an Arab hotel and fucking pwn everyone to kill Makarov. Makarov is about to fuck Price's shit up. Yuri shoots and wounds Makarov but gets shot up. Price then slaps Makarov's shit around, ties a winch cord around Makarov’s neck and breaks the glass to score a critical hit. As Makarov’s corpse is left hanging, Price lights up a blunt to celebrate. Roll credits.

Also, because MW3's multiplayer is so broken, unreliable, unenjoyable, and overall so frustrating that you'd rather chop your own legs off with a dull spoon than play it, single player is really the only thing remotely worth playing here, and even that is a lump of shit, too. So bootleg your copy of this game today in the event you ever want to personally see how horrible this game is. You'll save $60 AND you'll deny Activision their Jew Gold.

Characters of importance

Typical of any developer of FPS games, Infinity Whore'd puts characters we've already seen in the other 7 games into this one, except give them different skins and new voice actors. Here's the list of Characters that deserve any mention at all.

What used to be Task Force 141

  • John Price: On the run with Soap, insane bastard. Old English guy. Only when Soap dies in the middle of the game. Only man he ever cared for.

Loyalists

  • Nikolai: Yeah, he's back. Right now, leading the band of assorted faggots who said "Fuck that shit" to the ultranationalists' whole "take over the world" agenda.
  • Kamarov: Much like Nikolai, this Russfag returns as the leader of the Czech rebels. Instead of being a major character like in CoD4, he has three lines of dialog and shows up in one mission and is seen through a scope on the other. If you still didn't read the top: HE DIES AFTER MAKAROV STRAPS A BOMB ON HIM AND BLOWS IT UP WHEN PRICE TRIES TO AMBUSH HIM IN THE MEETING.
  • Yuri: Ex-Ultranationalist Russfag who was retconned into every major event before this one. Nonchalantly killed by Makarov at the end.

Ultranationalists

  • Makarov: The villain of this game. Price gets all butthurt and strangles him like a nigger in the end because he raped both Yuri and Soap.
  • Volk: Guy who supplies Makarov with the poision gas used in the London attack. Owned by Sandman in Paris by, and I'm not fucking kidding, shooting his car several million times, running into it at full speed, flipping it over and T-boning it into a wall. To add to the realism, HE WALKS OUT ALIVE AND UNINJURED.
  • Waraabe Some nigger in Africa who sells poison gas. Shot in the face by Price.

SAS

  • Marcus Burns: Another underdeveloped character. Britfag who's trying to find out who farted or something to do with gas.
  • Wallcroft: The badass SAS Britfag of the game. Was in CoD4 briefly. Also is trying to find out who farted with Burns.
  • Griffen: Walcroft's butt buddy, who is also in CoD4. Came back with Walcroft and Burns also trying to find out who farted but got flattened by a train that was shot up by their team's helicopters in the process. Which is safer to say, he got team-killed.

Delta Force

  • Derek 'Frost' Westbrook: Faceless, meaningless character. This game's playable character. Gets yelled at for shooting crappy AI squad mates that run into fire anyways.
  • Sandman: The oldfag commander who Frost is commanded by. A Delta force operator and apparent badass, though he gets raped by a mine collapse in the end.
  • Grinch: The group's marksman and acts as the Gaz/Ghost of this game (by that we mean the hilarious/sarcastic dick). He doesn't get a magnum shoved up his ass like the two, but instead dies after having flaming rocks fall on him, and the rest of Delta team dies along with him.
  • Truck: Everyone who developed MW2 learned that players don't really appreciate some stereotypical nigger barking on the radio all the time, telling them to defend Burger Town. In contrast to Sgt. Foley, Truck's the only unique nigger in the game but he isn't in charge, isn't ordering you around to do everything while he sits in a corner to piss you off all day spamming the team's radio, and overall never really speaks much, which is how niggers should be.

FSO

Special (Ed) Ops

You can't chat/voice chat, so good luck playing with 11 year old 1337 kids.

Survival mode

Copy pasta of Zombies but with endless waves of mercenaries, roflcopters, and juggernauts with the strength of an elephant (this is Infinity Ward's pathetic attempt to make a pathetic game mode like Nazi Zombies). Nobody worth playing with plays this game mode, so have fun letting juggernauts shit liquid ass down your windpipe by yourself.

Special missions

MW3's developers, realizing that there is no way that this game will entice anyone for more than an hour because even their fans are getting tired of the same shit over the years, implemented a series of missions that are either new or happened somewhere in-between the events of original campaign. It's designed to add some longevity to the gameplay by implementing ultra-frustrating missions that will force you to play it again, again, again, again, and again until you either barely succeed or rip your arms off and rage quit.

Multiplayer

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT "I want my time back you faggots. Like now, I cant believe i played through the whole thing. fuck. fuck. fuck. I can't even imagine the lives of the engineers who worked on this. They would have made a better use of their time by putting their cocks on the mixing table and hammering their dicks with ball-pin hammers for 4 weeks straight!!!1
The great quality server everyone enjoys. You just lost $60 there faggot.
Average Modern Warfare players

All anyone cares about. Infinity Whore'd and their helpers at Sludgehammer games to replace the 9040 workers who resigned last May introduced new game modes to further please the asspie and/or ADD ridden fan base that at the conclusion of the 10 minute campaign would shift their attention elsewhere. Modern Warfare 3 brings the traditional Call of Duty multiplayer back in all its glory for 13-year-old boys to cream themselves over this overrated piece of horse shit with dickcheese dressings. Additionally, the creative team at Sledgehammer/Activision somehow managed to produce the monster that has, once again this year, set an example for all the FPS out there that might have turned out okay. It is actially quite remarkable how The Jew managed to overdo himself repeatedly for the last 4 years bringing the same game on the market, just to "appeal to the mass audience".

People who enjoy playing Call of Duty for more then 10 minutes obviously suffer from serious brain damage and should be publicly executed for their stupidity and for the fact that they are willing to pay 60$ (+50 for Elite) for the same shit stuffed down their throats every year. There is a reason why God made stupidity a sin.


How to play!

1. Select your Assault Rifle or SMG of your choice! (A ACR is preferred but the Type 95/MP7/Scar L are fine, too Use the MK 14 for hardcore matches)

2. Slap a Silencer and heartbeat sensor on it and Portable Radar and claymore

3. Select Support package with Recon Drone/ Stealth Bomber / Emp / Juggernaut/ or Escort Airdrop and sit in corner, waiting for enemies to come by.

4. ????

5. PROFIT

Factions

S.A.S - A group of butthurt britfags who are always against Commies. Gaz as the announcer.

Spetsnaz - A group of drunken commies yelling "GRANATA!!!" and "SNIPERR!!!!" every 2 seconds, features the return of the infamous AC130 ABOVE!!!!!!!!!!1111one announcer.

Inner Circle - Copy/Paste of Spetsnaz only with Makarov as the announcer.

Delta Force - THE MOST BADASS FACTION OF THE GAME, you play as a group of shittily equipped Americunts, Overlord as the announcer, talks like the game is serious business.

African Militia - A group of niggers, has a nigger announcer with p00r english skills.

GIGN - Bunch of frenchifags talking in very strong accent so you can't understand shit. They always lose like IRL.

PMC - Just a bunch of retards who aren't even in the game.

DLC

Yep, apparently the Elite plan and the game didn't make enough money for the Jews at Activision. So they're releasing a shitty map pack. And guess what? 2 of the maps included in the pack are from past CoD games

Free DLC

Terminal Well, at least it's free for god's sake.

DLC Maps

Piazza A shitty map in Italy where Inner Circle fights Delta Team

Overwatch Copypasta of hardhat but you can jump off of the map.

Black Box A rich people neighborhood where there is a Crashed plane in the middle

Foundation A well designed but poorly conceived map about a factory that makes...idk foundations for roads or some shit? It just a bunch of metal beams and walkways going everywhere with decent verticality.

Sanctuary Some monk temple up in the mountains with some ghosts whispering in its graveyard.

Lookout A paradise for sand niggers to hide out and do parkour it is a bunch of mud huts where players can run on top of the buildings. But its a Faceoff map so its small and stupid overall. However convincing your friends to run outside the map while they are on a killstreak is always great fun due to hidden bouncing Betties that always kill you and taking out air support is a breeze with the mounted turrets around the map. (The one at the base of the map a player can use and point all the way to the side and glitch their body into a wall where nobody can see them.

Getaway So its like a vacation house, get it? Getaway, like a vacation or place to relax. Bad joke, decent map. There is a pool you can die in and floties and beach balls everywhere that can be shot for hilarious results.

Oasis A hotel in the desert, surrounded by water...

Vortex A small farmhouse map with a tornado whipping shit around in the background. Theres also dead cows everywhere.

Intersection A very well designed Fsceoff map, so its small but it feels like a small city and with the fewer amount of payers in Faceoff this map is very playable. Had it used the subway players can walk down to as underground pathways this would literally be the best map for small team battles.

U-turnA small highway map with a bunch of cars piled in the middle. Go into spectator mode and fly around the outside of the map. For being a face off map which is small by even CoD map standards the outside of the map and the distance physical shit is rendered is absurd on this one.

Decommission A ship Decommission yard. It is a map that is Infinity Wards self reflection on their entire CoD series as a whole, being a place where once decent ships go to be torn down and have their assets reused for "new" ships.

Offshore A massive multilayered map with different colors to let tards know where they are. This would be nice if CoD wasn't build for smaller maps so often times its a game of wandering around waiting to get killed by one of the many corner capers that will be waiting for your stupid ass to pass by.

Boardwalk A boardwalk at festival time with arcade games, a roller coaster which is out of the map and other shit. One of the few maps with any creativity in it being able to play some of the games on the Boardwalk.

Gulch A canyon for the red man to rebuild his land on...wait no, its a mining themed canyon where everything is red.

Parish A Faceoff map that is so cluttered and so small its not worth downloading to play on. Its also a rip off of "The Parish" from Left 4 Dead 2 but far smaller.

Liberation A shitty map in Central Park prepare to get quickscoped every 30 seconds by 13 year old boy

Black ice Mission in Russia where you do a drive by blow up of a Russian strip club.

Negotiar A mission in Brown Paradise where you have to save a bunch of hostages.

Collection 2

Protip: Shoot the Hostages for fun.

Players

Modern Warfare 3 is known for the vast varieties of playstyles that can be accommodated by perks and killstreaks that suit your particular playstyle.

Here's the list of playstyles that can be found in MW3 and what they will most likely be using.

  • Campers: The second most common player type. Campers hide like a bitch in a corner with a Claymore as their primary Grenade and a Portable Radar/Scrambler as their special grenade, while waiting for a player to run by and proceed to spam rape them to death with their silenced SCAR-Ls and CM901s. If your team actually does well, after a couple minutes you should expect most/all the other team to be camping in their spawn.
  • Quickscopers: Another commonly seen player type, even more of these annoying sons of bitches are seen than ever as Quickdraw basically zooms in their sights faster than it takes a horny 13 year old to blow his load in Prussian Blue's vagoo. The only two weapons that these 5 year olds are seen with are the L118A and the MSR if they're level 666, because "SEMI AUTO SNIPERZ ARE FER FUKKIN SCRUBZ!1!!!!ONE!!!!!"
  • Rusher: Be warned CoD 1337 veterans, all weapons have been souped up to have Stopping Power on by default, so anyone who wants to qualify as a rusher can just run up to you with the biggest LMG/Assault Rifle possible before shitspamming bullets at you and killing you within a blink of an eye.
  • Griefers/Trolls: You can easily tell if someone is a griefer by seeing him spawn on Hardcore Search and Destroy with a SMAW/RPG-7.
  • Noob: Once again is the most common player type. Noobs employ the tactics of said playstyles above, but fail hard at succeeding at them, and proceed to scream over the mic about how it's "ZOMG NAWT MY FAULT THAT I RUSH INTO A JUGGERNAUT!!!!!!1!!ONE!! Weapons used are the biggest Machine Guns they can find, Noob Tubes/Pro pipes and Pistols included, Tactical knifes, UMPs, and the worst of the worst, Screeching pre adolescent micspam.

Game modes

Average Gamemodes

Team Deathmatch - Point and shoot at the opposite team. Just like before.

Free-For-All Run around a small, claustrophobic map shooting other players randomly before promptly being taken from behind because the spawn system fucking blows at the best of times. Rinse and repeat.

Kill Confirmed - Yep. They were lazy enough to actually rename TDM and call it a new gametype. Oh, and this time in order to get credit for a kill, you must T-bag your opponents.

Capture the Flag -Don't even try it, you will be annihilated upon stepping within at least 100 miles of it.

Headquarters Pro - Get spawn killed over, and over, and over, AND OVER again with the worst spawns in any COD with the shittiest maps to date.

Domination - Campfest. Sit on a flag, it becomes yours, get killed. Respawn and repeat! No time limit, either.

Search and Destroy - Trollfest. All HC Gamemodes got nerfed so you kill yourself when you attempt to kill your teammates, leading to lulz for your enemies if you kill yourself with the feature.

Team Defender - Same as "Kill Confirmed", another ripoff in a desperate attempt to look fresh. There is no difference between this and CTF.

Drop Zone - You and your team need to stick your cocks into a designated spot on the map and every 20-30 seconds a Care Package is awarded for your gangbanging.

Sabotage - They had to make extra challenges involving this game mode just to get people to play it. It didn't work. Oh right, you get 20 minutes to steal a bomb and blow the enemy up just like in Search and Destroy.

Advanced Gamemodes

One in the Chamber - One bullet, three lives. Gain lives after kills. Of course, you won't get any kills. One of Black Ops' Wager Match modes, but without the gambling, or the reason the reason it was actually worth something when you won, behind it.

Gun Game - Another Black Ops ripoff. Kill players to advance to other weapon tiers. Troll tip: Knife someone on their last tier to get a funny hate message!

Infected - A fucking ripoff from the Halo series, but srsly even Halo is better than this shit. Rape people on the other team with your Knife in order to get that faggot on your team. The game ends when the enemy team gets so large it pissrapes the last guy standing. Thought camping was bad in other game modes? I have some bad news for you.

Team Juggernaut - You need to defend the team Juggernaut for like 30 seconds or so (It may be something else but I don't feel like searching for it so fuck you) to become the next Juggernaut.

Juggernaut - Like the above, but it's a free for all type match where 1 guy is selected to be a Juggernaut and you have to rape him in order to be the new Juggernaut.

Perks

Tier 1

  • Recon: Enemies that are hit by explosives show up on radar. Perfect for trolls and noobs.
  • Sleight of Hand: Allows you to reload faster than you can blink. Pro is practically useless as you ready grenades and other shit extremely fucking fast. Who needs that anyways?
  • Blind Eye: A Camper's perk. Covers you from Air support and sentries. Troll the fags that use this by always aiming for enemy targets that aren't highlighted in red.
  • Extreme Conditioning: Allows you once again to run at the speed of a nigger.
  • Scavenger: Pick up enemy ammo. Pro allows you to spawn with extra ammo. Why the fuck don't you anyways?

Tier 2

  • Quickdraw: Also known as quickscoper helper! Pro allows you to ready grenades faster than you can blink.
  • Blast Shield: Resist explosive damage. Useful for explosive spamming noobs protection.
  • Hardline: Killstreaks require 1 less kill, not that it matters because you won't get them anyway. Combine with the Reaper Point streak for EXTREME TROLLING.
  • Assassin: Another camper's perk. Pro protects you from EVERY FUCKING KILLSTREAK EVER.
  • Overkill: Replaces secondary with other primary. Renders Machine pistols useless, probably won't be used as you're probably using an RPG, you cheap faggot. Plus you could just use the MP7/ACR/MK14 like everyone else.

Tier 3

  • Marksman: A perk made of hax, it's great for all the retards who need help just to use the fucking sights properly, also camper's heaven. Without the pro version, as a sniper you have the lung capacity of a chain smoker dying from leukemia.
  • Stalker: Move fast while aiming. A rusher's best friend (if you're too stupid to learn how to dropshot), also pro allows you to troll campers by delaying their claymores.
  • SitRep: You see explosive positions. You may be able to avoid their claymores, but can you avoid walking into their shotgun barrels? Troll Tip! Just throw a goddamn grenade in what ever corner that the faggot's dwelling in. Pro will make you paranoid as fuck.
  • Steady Aim: Negates aiming completely. Just point in general direction and spray.
  • Dead Silence: You can't hear your own footsteps. But people will whore it out for earlier unlocks that are better than this pile of horse excrement.

Kill Streaks/ Strike Packages

Assault

Only allows you kill streaks to that pwns the other team and causes massive butthurt. When you die because you are too stupid to stay in the spawn trap, you will have to restart until you get that Juggernaut Suit kill streak.

  • UAV: A Crappy styrofoam plane that's smaller than your cock, if you even have one.
  • Care Package: Used by those who can't get a higher than 4 killstreak.
  • IMS: Shoots claymores. Will fuck you up. Plant one of these in a popular area of the map and camp like a bitch to piss off the other team.
  • Predator Missile: The Hand of God smites thee with unerring accuracy.
  • Sentry Gun: Shoots enemies and is destroyed by one hit from your butter knife but can survive hundreds of .50 BMG bullets.
  • Prescision Airstrike: Useless killstreak is useless.
  • Attack Helicopter: A shitty roflcopter that flies around the map and has invincible pilots. Gets shot down within .666 seconds of being called in.
  • Strafe run: 5 Attack roflcopters that strafe bomb a location. Too bad Blind Eye renders it useless.
  • AH-6 Overwatch: Covers you from enemies so you can earn moar killstreaks like a cheap jew you won't earn killstreaks as enemies will just pissrape the Guard copter before proceeding to grenade spam you for the rest of the match.
  • Reaper: 5 whole predator missiles launch to a single location.
  • Assault Drone: A mini tank. Gets fucked up easily though, and it has a shitty MG and Grenade Launcher to go with it.
  • AC-130: Another unholy beacon of death and destruction. Will definitely fuck you up every time when called in.
  • Pave Low: An unholy harbinger of doom. WILL obliterate everything. Upgrade of the Attack Helicopter. Gets shot down within 5 seconds of air time like it does in Modern Gayfare 2.
  • Juggernaut: Gives you the effective strength of an elephant and an M60 Machine gun to go with it. Makes everyone on the enemy team your bitch. There are variation on types of Juggernauts.
  • Osprey Gunner: Pilot a helicopter and get shot down within less than 5 seconds of calling it in like the rest of the other helicopters. I guess it delivers care packages to idiots on your team too.

Support

This shit gives you crappy kill streaks that only support your fellow teammates but the good part is that you may have a chance to obtain the Juggernaut recon suit this way. Plus even if you suck, you still continue on your same kill streak even after dying so many times because these type of rewards are point based. Also,you can restart your killstreak after earning your selected 3.

  • UAV: Word for word above, a crappy Styrofoam plane. Can be shot down with 9mm, super realistic, right?
  • Counter UAV: Another shitty plane that blocks radar. Destroyed way too easy. Useless anyway because the other team will all be using Assassin.
  • Ballistic Vest: Makes you take more bullet damage. Useless because the enemy will always aim for your head.
  • Airdrop Trap: Perfect for trolling the enemy. Too bad it's so blatantly obvious and nobody falls for it.
  • SAM Turret: Copy pasta'd from Black Ops. Will sit in your spawn for 30 seconds and do fuck all before being knifed by an ACR rusher and contributing to their scorestreak. How generous of you.
  • Recon Drone: Points out enemies on the map. Enemies will just fuck it up then grenade spam you.
  • Advanced UAV: The Blackbird from Black Ops is back! Does the same shit aswell.
  • Remote Turret: Useless clone of the Sentry Gun. Is as easily destroyed. Can be remote controlled but you're such a fuck-up it makes no difference.
  • Stealth Bomber: A B-2 carpet bombs the whole maps, but doesn't do anything, unless on outside only maps.
  • EMP: Disables all electronic equipment, which means everything. Redundant, considering there is an EMP grenade. This killstreak is completely useless because using Assassin Pro completely nullifies its effect. If you choose this, deliberately wait until someone on the other team gets a high killstreak like the AC-130 or Pavelow to use it. Should this result in prepubescent hate remind them what the whole point of the EMP is.
  • Juggernaut Recon: Gives you a Riot shield and high health. Enemies will just flank you and rape you to death with Akimbo FMG9s.
  • Escort Airdrop: Emergency Airdrop under a new name. Same as the Care Package, but you get 6 from a roflcopter that can't shoot for shit it'll get shot down before you get anything, so don't even bother.

Specialist

Every 2 kills allows you another Tier perk of your choice. (See Tiers above) Once you reach 8 kills you run around fapping with all perks at once. Once you die (Which will occur within seconds of completing this killstreak) you lose them and have to earn them again .( Use this to troll in CTF or Domination.)

Hidden Killstreak

  • M.O.A.B.-(Mother of All Bombs) The only way you can obtain this is if you kill 25 enemies with your gun without dying. If you accomplish this give yourself a pat on the back because not only did you just RAPE the other team but you will kill them all at once within 10 seconds with a nuke , Permanent EMP for the rest of the match and you and your "friends" get DOUBLE XP for the rest of the match. This is the best way to TROLL the enemy because it does not end the game unlike in Modern Warfare 2.

Death Streaks

Because you suck, Infinity Ward fags are putting communism into the game, but really, it's just hand-holding. Which, like IRL, encourages players to play half-assed and be generally unproductive, and you can't remove or disable this shit in a regular match.

  • Juiced: Allows the player to temporarily run at the speed of sound, used with Extreme Conditioning to have a temporary knifing class.
  • Revenge: You can see your killer on the radar. Will be the most used probably.
  • Final Stand: With the removal of Last stand, now this is the perk of people who play Headquarters.
  • Martyrdom: Useless as there's no more explosive increase perk.
  • Deadman's hand: A copypasta of Martyrdombut with a C4. Good for trolling, as not only does it have a large blast radius, but this death streak makes it look to the enemy as if your in final stand. So the enemy will instinctively shoot you and instead you explode in their face. Great for trolling campers, just run into whever the camper is like a suicide bomber and watch as you ruin the kill streak of the 13 year old on the other end. Most effective when the camper is in a corner or a building.
  • Hollow points: A Stopping Power clone. Will last until you can buttrape your killer, if you can even get out of the spawn trap you idiot.

Weapons

Great, now those annoying fucks can pretend they're gunsmiths with all knowledge of weapons yet again! Here's a Giant fucking heap of fail...

NEWSFLASH! Remember stopping power from MW2? just imagine that on every single gun in the game. That's right, every gun has been souped up so its always a two or even a one hit kill. stats don't matter anymore, just pick your favorite looking gun, and shit storm bullets everywhere. even more the reason to camp now.

remind you of any game in particular?

DOUBLE NEWSFLASH! They nerfed the guns! and by that, i mean they nerfed all the guns that didn't need to be nerfed! The MP7, Type 95, SCAR-L, and the ACR are still the best guns in the game. Ready to die as soon as you spawn, kiddies?

Primary

Assault Rifles

Most commonly seen category of weapons in general.

  • M4A1: The Army's bread and butter. Despite supposedly working alongside the Army to create this forsaken game, they still don't have their primary weapon rendered correctly. Of course if Infinity Ward did a quick research about replacing it with the completely same CM901 we wouldn't have this glitchy shit broken weapon in the game, but the dev's were too busy fapping to gay porn to care.
  • M16A4: As if two games weren't enough, this really old failure returns for another round of making rednecks cream themselves by pretending to be in the US military. Hopefully it's the last time we see this Shotgun with burst fire in a Call of Duty game. For once the M16A4 actually sucks ass, it is inferior compared to all the other M16A4's in all the other CoDs. Infinity Ward then buffed this gun, but it still sucks monkey dick and is an absolute piece of trash compared to the Type 95.
  • CM901: This Gun is total shit. takes 8 magazines to kill someone point blank.
  • MK14: 1 hit kill to the head at all ranges and kills in two hits at most, this gun is only stopped by being used as much as the Type 95/ACR/SCAR-L because it's semi automatic. Ever heard of a trigger finger 12 year olds? In all honesty this should be classified as a pneumatic abortion device. At least in this game IW got the name of the MK14 rifle right instead of the non existent M21 EBR name. Once again this shows that Infinity Ward is never going to learn.
  • AK-47: Infinity Whore'd manages to rectify their great fuck up by making this shitstick not a last level reward, but it's unlocked at such a high level that it's still a very uncommon weapon on the battlefield, unlike IRL.
  • FAD: A Perufag weapon that's used by Niggers in Sierra Leone in the game. Completely shit and is the last Assault Rifle unlocked, making it the shittiest Assault Rifle.
Sub Machine Guns

Weapons that Automatically give your target Juggernaut and have insanely high recoil. Just like IRL.

HEY FAGGOTS! TIME TO CREAM YOUR JEANS, THE SHITTY MP5k AND VECTOR GOT CUT FROM THE GAME. NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT LITTLE KIDS CRYING OVER YOUR HEADSET ANYMORE!

  • UMP45: The rape machine from MW2 that got all the fanbois butthurt returns! Get ready to see 12 year olds slapping suppressors on it and camping. Again.
  • MP5: The uncircumcised MP5k returns to overshadow its micropenis brother and be used commonly in stealth based load outs.
  • P90: For some reason boasting as much damage as typical assault rifle, virtually no recoil, and a 50 round magazine. Yeah, this gun is made of hax.
  • PM-9: A Japanese Uzi replacement. Apparently the anti-Semites at Infinity Ward and Sledgehammer thought it would be funny to replace a well known Jewish gun with a weapon nobody has heard about. Proof that Infinity Ward and Sledgehammer know nothing about weaponry despite working along side the US army when developing this CoD 4 DLC. The only good thing about this weapon is that it gets idiots stupid enough to use it killed.
  • MP7: A shitty MP5 alternative that looks like a micropenis. Useful gun for rushers, or it would be if it wasn't out-performed by the ACR in every way.

Protip: Put on Overkill, slap a suppressor on this and camp to be l337. Better yet, just don't buy this broken game.

  • AK74u: The gun that was literally all the rage in Black Ops is back! Though it's only in Singleplayer when Makarov and his inner circle friends run around with this thing spamming bullets at you like it's nobody's fucking business.
Light Machine guns

Kiss goodbye to your wall hacks! These weapons both do the wall hacking for you and effectively give you the speed of a dual leg amputee. Always should be sprayed in general direction of enemies.

  • L86 LSW: This shitstick returns from MW2 like most other shit in this game. The design once again is so ugly they had to tweak some of the visuals to pass it off as commonly used in the Britfag military, thought they all use the MP5 anyways as German technology is superior to England's.
  • PkP Pecheneg: Another Russfag gun in the CoD franchise. Copy of the RPK from the last game, actually a shittier PKM. At least they finally learned not to put the fucking RPD in this time.
Sniper Rifles

Modern Warfare 3 has been conditioned to be a 'Sniper Friendly' game unlike Black Ops, so we had better get used to being killed for the sake of those SWEET QU1K5C0P3 KLIPZ!!!1!!!ONE!!! Make sure to spam grenades at these people.

  • AS50: Another example of how lazy Infinity Whore'd is, its just another Copypasta of the Barrett .50 cal. Has pretty decent power, being one of 2 snipers that normally kill in 1 hit to the stomach, but if used with a silencer, it is downgraded to a Fagunov, like most other snipers except the RSASS, which will kill in 2 hits regardless.
  • RSASS: Semi-auto fuckstick that no one really uses. Takes 9001 shots to kill someone, just like the Fagunov. Add a suppressor to be l337.
  • MSR: The L118A's competition for use with Quickscopers, being it's the second Bolt-Action.

By the way, every game you will find that half the fucking lobby has a gamertag with Snipe in it, usually with some enthusiast clan tag like FAZE and they will desperately be trying to get some 1337 trickshot clips to put on YouTube because we really need more of those. Most will then proceed to fail miserably because they haven't started puberty and camp in a corner with Akimbo FMG-9s for the entire match.

Shotguns

These shitsticks have an effective range of 4 meters. Just like in real life! Unlike MW2, they are classified as primary weapons. Good luck trying to get those CQC kills and ending up getting sniped by 10-year-olds. Only used by pros to show off their skillz.

  • SPAS-12: I guess the Russian Army also arms themselves with weapons that have been out of production since the late '90s. It is basically copied and put into this game with still insanely large range.
  • KSG 12: Weak as fuck pump action shotgun, because 1 pump action was not enough. Takes about an hour to reload from empty.
  • AA-12: Theres already a similar shotgun, which itself sucks, ingame which should take this showoff shit's place. Once again fallacies in research can be put down to excess fapping on Infinity Ward's behalf.
  • Striker: An AIDs ridden gun from South AIDSfrica. This thing takes about an hour to reload from empty like the KSG-12.
  • Model 1887: Because nothing screams 'Modern Warfare' like a 125 year old rifle. Infinity Ward tried to make this at least 100 year old shotgun from the Wild West look legit by touching up the Iron sights and giving it Black synthetic finish. But in true Infinity Ward fashion, they aren't fooling anyone. In this game though these shit muskets got nerfed, they can't be used with Akimbo and have shorter ranges due to butthurt 13 year olds complaining about them.

Secondary

Handguns

Since Machine pistols are available, these handguns still will not get used. Though the one thing that these things had in MW2, the Tacticool Knife is still present.

  • USP .45: The return of the Universally Shitty Pistol, or the USP for tryhards.
  • P99: A Nazi-trash replacement of the M1911 exclusively for this game. Has a rate of fire as fast as a slut gets STDs in Vegas.
  • Five Seven: A Belgian M9 Beretta replacement that doubles as an emergency infield dildo kit.
  • Desert Eagle: Any criticisms that can be leveled at the other 2 revolvers can be aimed at this wrist cracker. It now is completely black instead of half black half silver to try and make it look ordinary.
Machine pistols

Add Akimbo on any of these gods-in-a-box and slap on Scavenger for added Ragefests!

  • FMG9: A gun that folds. Retarded wrist snapping recoil from a gun firing the wimpy 9mm round. Throw on Akimbro for added ragefest. Apparently less than 1 month after release this shit is already getting nerfed, but it looks better in comparison to Gayarch taking 7 MONTHS to nerf the Famas.
  • MP9: The TMP from the last game put into this one. The only difference being the reload animation.
  • Skorpion: An unholy handheld death sentence. You can become sniper jesus if you slap Akimbo on this.
  • G18: Seriously, this Austriafag gun is only notable for its shitty magazine size.
Rocket Launchers
  • SMAW: A reskinned RPG-7 that fires more accurately, though none of that matters since you will be sniped from far away and miss.
  • Javelin: Fails even more than it did in MW2 when it comes to doing anything. basically a rocket that has erectile dysfunction.
  • Stinger: A Portable SAM turret. It's the only remotely useful launcher, though you'll get killed while looking like you're watching the birds if you try to use this.
  • XM25: A 'nade launcher that explodes behind targets, flush out campers and rake in the tears.
  • M320 GL: A Noob tube that's snapped off of an Assault rifle and stand alone. Think "TACTICOOL China Lake."
  • RPG-7: A Troll's best friend. Always should be fired at the ground at the start of a Hardcore search and destroy match.

Equipment

Lethal

  • Frag grenades: Better known as Fag grenades, rendered obsolete in every way by Semtex except that stupid cooking ability no one uses as it should always be thrown on spawn.
  • Semtex: (aka Semen-tex) Sticky grenade. Will fuck your shit up.
  • Throwing Knife: Who needs explosives and high-tech proximity mines when you can have a knife? Same faggy weapon used for those crappy Youtube clips recorded off of the video gamer's phone camera.
  • Bouncing Betty: (aka Bouncing Bitches) Claymore alternative that's meant for the same purpose except it rotates and spins when it is set off.
  • Claymore: Is that a fuckin' claymore?! Yes, it is. And now you have just became a part of a camper's K:D ratio percentage in the blink of an eye.

Tactical

  • Flash Grenade: Makes a gay sound upon detonating. All the alternatives are better. Always should be thrown randomly into enemy spawn points.
  • Scrambler: The Troll's best friend. Lures you into a well placed Claymore trap.
  • EMP Grenade: Fucks over any equipment in it's blast radius. Though you'll get raped anyways.
  • Smoke Grenade: Shitty item that causes slight damage on detonating. Causes butthurt on Hardcore. Protip: invite a bunch of your friends into a game and get them to spam these all over the map to piss off the other team.
  • Trophy System: Gay sounding name of an item that stops 2 rockets and explosives in .0001 milliseconds of coming into range. Best used to troll 10 year olds who finally got the amazing predator missile killstreak only to be demolished into thin air. Acts like a forcefield.
  • Tactical Insertion: There's nothing tactical about this thing in anyway. Will get you spawn killed a lot. Also, boosting. Destroy enemy tactical insertions and camp in a corner waiting for them to come get you for the lulz.
  • Portable Radar: Camper's equipment. There's a reason this game is called Camp: The game 2:Electric Boogaloo. On hardcore matches, be sure to destroy friendly portable radars every chance you get.

Other Shit

  • Riot Shield: Because plastic can stop .50 BMG, right?. Pick up a second riot shield to be unstoppable.
  • M203: Mw2's signature weapon that got all the fanboys butthurt. Sometimes found with an Assault Rifle attached to it.
  • Tactical Knife: Used by fags in "knifing classes". Gives you an all-important 0.000000001% increase in knife speed.

Proficiency

Yup. As if the weapons weren't a joke already, now you can add cool new superpowers to your shitstick.

  • Kick: Foregrip replacement. Good work, retards.
  • Range: I guess you can camp with SMGs now as well! Shotguns will still have an effective range of a sneeze though.
  • Attachments: The pretentious fucks decided to continue with their wussy little gun accessories once again. Will be the most used probably.
  • Melee: Tactical knife for SMGs and Shotguns. Still a waste of time.
  • Stability: Your weapon doesn't sway as much. Perfect if you're too fucking retarded to aim.
  • Impact: No, they didn't take FMJ out. Good countermeasure against campers, too bad they're all hiding in the grass anyway.
  • Speed: You'll never guess what this does.
  • Breath: Combine with Type 95/ACR and Thermal/ACOG sights for ultra lulz. Seriously, just camp moar.

Prestige Mode

Back again, only with 20 Prestige levels and 80 ranks per level. If you have not prestiged at least three times, all the MLG super pros will bitch at you for being a n00b. Comes with some shitty new emblems and challenges like before. Awesome.

Now there's a new feature called the 'Prestige Shop' where you spend 'Prestige Points' you earn from being a loser to make the game easier later on and some other shit.

What you can buy:

  • Double XP: Waste of time since you'll just fail anyway.
  • Double Weapon XP: Get the Heartbeat Sensor faster so you can keep camping like a cheap faggot.
  • Extra Custom Class: Useless feature is useless.
  • Unlock Gear: You can bet your ass all the pros will be spending their points on this shit so they hang on to their MP7/ACR/Assassin Pro.
  • Titles and emblems: Nobody gives a fuck, loser.
  • Reset Stats: Erase your undoubtedly embarrassing K:D ratio, as if anybody cares. You have to get all fucking 20 prestige levels to unlock this bullshit as well, so at this point you should be strongly considering taking a bath with your Xbox.
  • Permanent Virginity: Not an official feature, but just thought I'd point that out.

Typical Online Match

With all of this copypasta shit going on in MW3, I think it's acceptable we can get past 1 copypasta and put something shown on the MW2 And Black Ops pages here as well! But updated...

Your Team

  • AFK
  • Split screen fag
  • Split screen fag
  • L118A sniper twat who is 5 years old and trying to get shitty 360 no-scope/quickscopes to record and shit all over jewtube (And failing)
  • Since the Matchmaking system STILL hasn't been fixed, nobody takes up the 6th spot yet again. Too bad all the people who work for Activision are brain dead fuckwits who care about nothing more than money else they'd invest to make the system better with the billions of dollars Activision has scrounged up over the years.

Enemy Team

  • ACR Camper
  • SCAR-L Heartbeat Sensor/Silencer Camper
  • Type 95 Camper
  • SCAR-L Camper
  • MP7 Blind Eye and Assassin Camper
  • Mk14 Camper with an aimbot

With what happened in Black Ops, the enemy wins with over 9000 kills. It's still a big wonder how, after putting up with this shit for 4 games in a row, you haven't an heroed.

During/Result of the Online Match

YOUR TEAM:

  • YOU
  • Teammate that Rage quit
  • Teammate that Rage quit
  • Teammate that Rage quit
  • Teammate that Rage quit
  • Teammate that Rage quit/ Some n00b that tries to join but match making takes too long to give you replacement teammates.

Enemy Team

  • CM901 Camper
  • SCAR-L Heartbeat Sensor/Silencer Camper
  • Type 95 Camper
  • SCAR-L Camper
  • UMP45 Blind Eye and Assassin Camper
  • CM901 Camper with an aimbot

Although Modern Warfare 3 implemented a brand new "Spawn Protection" feature that makes you immortal for a few seconds after you spawn which makes your average CoD lifespan 3 seconds longer before you get gunned down by an acr/mp7fag, it still will not save you from the insane amount of roflcopters shooting you from every possible direction. Chances are, nobody on your team (not even you) will have any weapon suitable for a fight against an armored helicopter (becuz runnin with SMAW'S ttly isnt kool rite) so prepare your anus and hope that the game ends quickly. Also look forward to the announcer proudly going "ENEMY MOAB INCOMING!1", the announcement followed by a huge blast that will wipe your sorry ass from the fucking battlefield.

Your team of "friends" on Xbox Live (if you have any)would abandon you leaving you all alone to be laughed at by the other team for being in a team of quitters/n00bz.

Also since matchmaking is still the same you might join a game that will have ended within seconds of your arrival thus resulting in a loss.( Its not like you were going to win anyway)

TL;DR: It's the same shit from the last 7 games but kids will still get their parents to buy it anyways.

Trolling CoD Fanbois

Typical fanboy response to Battlefield 3 beating their little game.

Much like the previous Call of Duties, this is the only thing MW3 is remotely good for.

Here's the list!

  • Flat out grief in any way, shape or form. Their prepubescent brains will ignite and explode as they try to comprehend what's happening.
  • Mention Halo in any way, shape or form. Warfare fags will proceed to engage in a heated argument over which franchises are better before their caveman brains catch fire and they proceed to teamkill you for the rest of the match.
  • Follow a teammate around during a match while firing your gun constantly so your teammate gets raped by enemies tripping over themselves to grenade spam/RPG your location. Prepare for prepubescent screaming.
  • Camp like shit! When someone calls you out on it, tell them you're "tactically hiding".
  • Use the MK14 with a modded controller.
  • Mention the Battlefield series in anyway. Yields same results as mentioning Halo times 10.
  • Talk about the singleplayer campaign only during Spec Ops matches or MP matches.
  • Shotguns have like almost no range drop off. Seriously, go on Hardcore and Snipe with them.
  • Point out that the MW3 got good reviews because activision pays people like IGN to give it good reviews.
  • Since the 'Ricochet' patch after all the stupid whiny 10 -year-olds kept bitching about not being able to play a hardcore S&D match without getting blown up at the start of every round, teamkilling doesn't exist in the game anymore. So, instead follow a teammate around and suddenly jump in front of him when he's spraying at an enemy and make him kill himself.

Elite

Yep, apparently CoD wasn't making enough money for Bobby Kotick, so now he's raping the fanboys' assholes (and wallets) with the Elite plan. It lets you level up your shitty clans and gives you shitty dlc. Inside of the terms and conditions of using it, it states that "Your account can be terminated at any time for any reason or no reason". Only true fanboys will have their wallets raped by this shit cause nobody wants to waste another fifty bucks on an already shitty game, and because ITZ AWZOME ND 1337!!!!1!!ONE!! When in reality, it's a fucking waste of 50 bucks. Battle.net, Battlelog.battlefield.com and Bungie.net both offer the same shit for free. Clearly COD:Elite is serious business.

Metacritic

  • This is what MW3 shows when it crashes. Totally not a MW2 mod.
    This is what MW3 shows when it crashes. Totally not a MW2 mod.
  • Look at the "professional" reviews. Then look at the user reviews
    Look at the "professional" reviews. Then look at the user reviews
  • Lead faggot of Sludgehammer Games response
    Lead faggot of Sludgehammer Games response

If you feel like joining the fun, give a 0/10 for the lulz, too:
Metacritic MW3 XBox 360
Metacritic MW3 PS3
Metacritic MW3 PC

With these reviews from the community, it really goes to show you several things;

  • 1. The "professional" reviewers have mental problems.
  • 2. The fanbois actually got their minds out of the jizz filled gutter and actually thought about how they just financially sodomized themselves.
  • 3. Modern Warfare 3 is so broken, glitched and outright mind numbing that the player risks having a heart attack from the stress levels this game induces. This makes even Black Ops look remotely playable, as what always happens whenever a new Call of Duty comes out.

Videos

The Trailer That Made COD Fans Cream

This whole thing in a nutshell. (Note: The bag of food represents DLC and COD: Elite).

"Brought to you by Mountain Dewritos."

This summarizes the entire campaign experience.

Spongebob and Patrick explain what MW3 is.

The insane fellow from Far Cry 3 explains "Call of Duty"

Previous Video | Next Video

VGA Troll BF3 Fanboys

The Video Game Awards were paid by Activision to announce MW3 as the best FPS of the year. Because of this, fanboys of BF3 all over the internet began to become butthurt over the fact that MW3 was totally better.

Best Prediction about MW4 so far

   
“ 		 
MW4: Storyline is back to Sgt.Foley bossing Pvt.Ramirez around and telling him to do insane shit, like take down a tactical nuke with a coconut
  		„
  		 

—TheBlackknight432

Gallery

  • Features from this game were also copypasta'd to MW3.
    Features from this game were also copypasta'd to MW3.
  • If only this man and his opposition were featured within the campaign.
    If only this man and his opposition were featured within the campaign.
  • In the same way 1970s gaming was full of pong clones, the 2010s will be plagued with FPS war-games that are all the fucking same.
    In the same way 1970s gaming was full of pong clones, the 2010s will be plagued with FPS war-games that are all the fucking same.
  • Special Edition
    Special Edition
  • Kotaku isn't biased at all!.
    Kotaku isn't biased at all!.
  • Why improve graphics when you can just add bloom?
    Why improve graphics when you can just add bloom?

See also

Modern Warfare 3 is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

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