Breatharian

You ain't neva seen a nigger this happy without chicken.

Breatharianism is the belief that sunlight contains all nutrients required for healthy living. Living On Light (LOL) means that food in all forms is for fat lusers like you. The movement has several different groups:

• Jasmuheen
• Wiley Brooks' Breatharian Institute
• Hira Ratan Manek's Solar Healing Club

Breatharianism is one of the most efficient cults ever. Why waste money on cyanide and kool-aid when you can just convince the mentally ill to starve themselves to death, with no outlay on your part? All that's missing is a way to extract enormous quantities of money and delicious loli out of it. This could be a fucking gold mine, people.

Jasmuheen

Jasmuheen eats no food, only acid.

...is the group and public name of Ellen Greve, some skinny cunt from Australia. She promises that if we can all just quit eating, we'll nevar die, nevar get teh cancer and get moar ass. Of course there are a few undesirable side effects. Thats right, this cult has a body count, and they didn't even get to drink the Kool-Aid. There are three documented dead: Timo Degan of Munich, Liane Morris of Melbourne, and Verity Linn of Sutherland. NEVAR FORGET!

Jasmuheen says that all you need to survive is sunlight and fresh air, and your body will metabolize all the nutrients it needs from Pranha, which is some Hindu shit no one cares about. She claims that her DNA has mutated to contain 12 strands, so she can absorb more hydrogen. Somebody tried to pay her 30,000 bucks to prove it [1], but she declined, since everyone knows you can't see spiritual energy in a microscope, duh. She also failed to prove she can go without eating for even four days in front of a doctor.[2]

Wiley Brooks

You can tell he did this, because it was so cool, they had to draw it. No photos allowed.

...is completely sane. Next time you're in the fifth dimension, you can call the cell phone number listed on his website and ask him. He's been around since 1981, being a scrawny black dude, lifting all your weights, and not eating food. Except for double quarter pounders. And Twinkies. Recently, Wiley fell for all that Galactic Federation of Light, pure love dripping, alien invasion scam shit.

Wiley Brooks wants to teach you how to get to the fifth dimension. You'll need the help, because as you know, one does not simply ascend into the Fifth Dimension. Strangely enough, Wiley Brooks wants you to eat food. But only fucking double quarter pounders with cheese from McDonald's ONLY. And fuck water or juice too, but you should make sure to drink plenty of Diet Coke out of plastic bottles only. Duh. Wiley was caught in '83 leaving 711 with a Slurpee, a hot dog and Twinkies, btw. His website is exceptionally tl;dr, so I'll try and summarize:

We are all from the fifth Dimension. We didn't eat food up there, but we enjoyed the occasional 3d snack, cuz that shit is fucking delicious. Unfortunately, 3d food makes 5d people sick, so they invented the miracle drug ice cream to make our tummies feel better. Since you are what you eat, and now you can eat as much 3d food as you want, you got trapped on 3d earth, you dumb fuck. Good thing Uncle Wiley is here to save you. Double quarter pounder with cheese meals are from the 5th dimension, and Diet Coke in plastic bottles contains LIQUID LIGHT!11!!!1

Eat that delicious goodness and say these 5 magic words: Jot Niranjan, Omkar, Rarankar, Sohang, and Sat Nam for 2 hours a day until you are ready to ascend back up to the 5th dimension. Thanks Wiley!! Once your mind and body are ready, Wiley will take you with him to the 5d Earth (Earth Prime) for only 15,000,000 USD before November 1st 2007. Since you've now missed that date, full cost is 25,000,000 USD one billion dollars (no refunds). (Wiley is willing to finance a boyscout, so get out your fucking checkbook.)

Double Crazy with Cheese:

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TL;DR

You either die from kidney failure, starvation, or you die from a heart attack.

HRM

HRM sees what you did there

...usually is an acronym for His/Her Royal Majesty, but in this case stands for Hira Ratan Manek, who is rather kingly, wouldn't you agree?

HRM claims that he has subsisted since June 18th 1995 on water, tea, and buttermilk only. The secret, he claims is staring directly into the sun. Why didn't we think of it before? He believes that this is an ancient science, practiced over 9,000 years ago. Since this science was forgotten, he had to figure this shit out again for himself, and the technique was perfected last Thursday. Its simple: within one hour of the sun rising or setting, stare at it. Your ultimate goal should be 45 minutes. You shouldn't wear shoes or socks, and standing on grass will suck your energy out, so stand on some dirt. That's it!

Trolling

Ronald wants head for saving your eternal soul.

Should be pretty easy. Start here

You are Death-Eaters:

Quotes

from the founder of the Yahoo Group, from a Czech website:

	“	A Breatharian should sleep very little, to none at all. A Breatharian should be among the most powerful of folks...	„
	— John McAlpin

	“	The idea here is that we do not now, nor have we ever, "lived" on so-called "foods." What we truly live on, if anything at all, is, as of yet, still a Divine Mystery to me.	„
	— John McAlpin

	“	Sister Susan, being a visionary from childhood, was actually able to both see and hear the "angels" who told her what to do, regarding the cessation of diet.	„
	— John McAlpin

Variations

Some groups have developed techniques in order to feed off of substances other than food or light. Some argue they can live for years just by reading shit in fucked-up websites and trolling random places in the Interbutts. This practice is called Living on Lulz.

How to Meditate Breatharian style

{src = http://www.breatharian.com/fivemagic5dwords.html } Do the meditation excersize before drinking lots of diet coke in the 20 oz and 1 liter sizes (with caffeine) in the plastic bottles only. Along with a double-quarter-pounder/with cheese meal at McDonald's only. Always meditate 30 mins to an hour before eating. Try to eat at least one meal a day for a while. Go back to my web site periodically to see if you can start to feel the magic after reading a few paragraphs.

IMPORTANT NOTE: DO NOT DRINK WATER OF ANY KIND OR FROM ANY SOURCE AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY,DO NOT EAT ANY FRUITS OR VEGETABLES DOING THIS REGIME!!!

External Links

• C.I.A.
• Official Jasmuheen Site
• Wiley Brooks Official Site Warning: Timecubesque, but with style.
• Hira Ratan Manek Official Site
• Breatharian Yahoo Group.
• The LiveJournal Community.
• Breatharian internet tribe.

[Close them downOpen the records]

Breatharian is part of a series on Cults