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Metal Gear Solid

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This article needs a serious clean up

Somebody should do something about it.

Metal Gear Solid is a series of stealth games that have spawned sequels, drama and plenty of manly tears. The gameplay of any game in the series involves hiding around corners until oddly incompetent guards look the opposite direction so that you can run behind them, put them in a chokehold, ask them if they're Ames, and stuff their body in a locker, while the cutscenes consist of looking at asses of both sexes, piss, rip-offs of cheesy Japanese ninja movies, and robots. Oh, and talking. Lots and lots of talking. This is done in support of a convoluted plot involving nuclear weapons, nanotechnology and robots, war, and government conspiracy, underscored by a subplot involving your nemesis who becomes possessed by your genetic twin through a severed arm in order to deceive the Illuminati.

Like any Japanese game that is commercially successful in the U.S., Metal Gear Solid had spawned a massive cult-following that believes the series to be perfect, even during massive backtracking just to change the temperature of a fucking keycard. Despite having more plot twists and cliches than a Steven Segal movie, by video game standards, the story gains kudos for being fairly deep and meaningful while being being repetitive, unoriginal and recycling character designs with each sequel. The series is the brainchild of Hideo Kojima, who is arguably the biggest troll in video game history. The series has been known to be 99.9% cut-scenes. Worth noting is the lack of variety in character's names. There is Solid Snake (who ages a few years and gets called Old Snake), Liquid Snake, Solidus Snake, and Naked Snake (later called Big Boss (not to be confused with The Boss)).

Recurring themes

Recurring themes

Before discussing the individual titles, many themes are repeated over the course of most, if not all these games.

Metal Gear and Metal Gear 2

Unless you were one of the 20 people who actually owned an MSX2, these games need not concern you. You could just read the plot summary of these games that comes with MGS1. They're also included with MGS3: Subsistence.


Metal Gear: Solid Snake must infiltrate a secret facility inhabited by an elite terrorist group and destroy the ultimate weapon: Metal Gear. After he succeeds we learn the true identity of their leader, it's really Big Boss.


Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake must infiltrate a secret facility inhabited by an elite terrorist group and destroy the ultimate weapon: Metal Gear. After he succeeds we learn the true identity of their leader, it's really Big Boss.


Metal Gear is known worldwide for being one of the best games EVAR (rivaled only by Superman 64), but don't tell the Angry Nintendo Nerd.


Metal Gear Solid

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT SOLID SNAKE IS AN UNWITTING FOXDIE CARRIER TO KILL CERTAIN PEOPLE AND LIQUID SNAKE HIMSELF DIES FROM FOXDIE AFTER FAILING TO BEAT SOLID SNAKE AND LAUNCH NUKES USING METAL GEAR REX AND OCELOT IS ACTUALLY A SPY FOR SOLIDUS SNAKE WHO IS THE PRESIDENT!!!1

The game revolves around our GAR hero Solid Snake, who must take down his brother Liquid before he uses a Metal Gear to launch a nuke. It is somehow a shock that Liquid has a Metal Gear, despite "Metal Gear" being in the title of the game. Clearly, the Japanese have out American-ed the Americans in thinking up shitty plots.

Snake is supported by Meryl Jew, a barely legal soldier whose ass is an important plot point, and Otacon, a weeaboo who built Metal Gear because he always dreamed of creating an anime-inspired mecha. Snake later meets his old friend, Gray Fox, who begs Snake to punch and kick him as he screams in ecstasy for more.

Snake goes on to defeat the members of FOXHOUND, all of whom spout cod-philosophy from people that take longer to die than Willem Dafoe in Platoon. In a roughly ten-minute period, Snake discovers that Master Miller is dead, Liquid Snake is impersonating him, Snake is actually a clone of Big Boss and has been infected with FoxDie, and that Naomi Hunter is Gray Fox's adoptive sister. You find all this out through CODEC, which, frankly, is kind of a cold way to drop heavy news on someone, but whatever.

Metal Gear is destroyed and Liquid proves that he is nigh-indestructible, surviving Stinger missiles to the open cockpit, a topless fistfight with Solid, being dropped off of said towering Metal Gear, multiple .50cal rounds, and finally having a truck overturned on him, only to succumb to FoxDie. If the player survived the torture segment mid-game, Snake rides off into the sunset with Meryl for a week of hot Alaskan sex as promised earlier when she wasn't in the right state of mind.

   
“ 		 
Hurry...hurry! Make love to me!
  		„
  		 

—Meryl to Snake, being trolled by Psycho Mantis.

If the player failed, however, he is punished with a sequence of awkward, semi-romantic banter between Snake and Otacon as they too ride off together.

   
“ 		 
Can love blossom, even on a battlefield?
  		„
  		 

—Otacon to Snake, in a romantic scene.

Metal Gear Solid 2:Electric Boogaloo

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT THE PATRIOTS RESTAGE METAL GEAR SOLID 1 ON AN OFFSHORE FACILITY INSTEAD OF ALASKA AND RAIDEN KILLS SOLIDUS SNAKE AND THIS COLONEL CAMPBELL IS ACTUALLY A PATRIOT AI!!!1

This is the part where the series goes off the deep end. Perhaps the most hyped game of the series, MGS fans looked forward to a new game with their manly hero. But alas, it was not to be, as Snake was replaced by the least manly character to ever exist in a video game: Raiden. The fanboys were too retarded to see that Hideo Kojima was actually performing the most epic troll in video game history, and actually thought this game was serious business and demanded answers to all of the deep questions. Since there are a lot of these retards that wouldn't shut the fuck up about these things for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS, Kojima finally caved in and pulled some uninspired nonsense out of his ass (see Metal Gear Solid 4 below).

Snake has thrown away life with Meryl to live and travel the world with Otacon, destroying Metal Gears along the way. The fact that Raiden's presence was a secret until the game's release only served to make the Sony fanboy tears all the more delicious. Raiden's kawaii appearance aroused opportunity for certain individuals to perform sexual acts towards him as the President himself actually gropes Raiden only in his disappointment to find out Raiden is actually a man. Game bosses include Fortune some black woman running around in a bathing suit with a big gun. She can't be hit by bullets which equates to the worst boss battles in game history, where you are forced to run around in circles until Kojima gets bored fucking with you. Next is Fatman, some fat bomber in an EOD suit on rollerskates. Because of this asshole, Raiden finds himself spending the first half of the game defusing bombs, which is about as much fun as it sounds. Vamp is a vampire who isn't a vampire but acts like a vampire because some weird shit with nanomachines that make him heal fast. He just happens to be Romanian and drink blood. He is bisexual and wants to make sweet sweet love to Raiden. The last boss is yet another Snake, Solidus Snake. He duel weilds a katana and wakizashi.

To make a long and painful story short, Raiden finds out that the Illuminati rules the world, and to do this, he surfaces a giant aircraft carrier from under the Hudson and crashes it in New York City, which does absolutely nothing. He fights like 25 Metal Gears and ends up fighting Solidus or whatever his name is with swords on top of Federal Hall. I can't make this shit up.

Metal Gear Solid 3

The game that made /v/ both mature slightly and realize its raging homosexuality. The game stars a young Big Boss. The plot and characters, despite being wafer-thin parodies of every Bond movie, are far easier to choke down than previous MGS installations. This is because Hideo Kojima did not want to even attempt to make sense of Metal Gear Solid 2, so he got in a fucking time machine to get the fuck away from that thing.

The story consists of Big Boss crawling through shit and mud and jungle the entire game, while dodging not only enemies, but HOLY SHIT WILD ANIMALS!!

After you've crawled through enough jungle, you are rewarded with more jungle, followed by some cliffs, and eventually, some forest, but not before more jungle. There's also a few buildings conveniently located along the conveniently beaten track.

Only to find out that Eva was a Chinese spy, and using Big Boss for her own slutty agenda at the end of the game.

Big Boss, being enraged at the betrayal of the jungle, goes and shits on The Boss's grave.

Whom he killed at the end of the game. Oops.

The Fury, a member of the redshirt Cobra Unit, is one of 7chan's mascots. You also fight Santa in a ghilliesuit, a man who controls bees and makes stupid poses, a dislocated spastic and a ghost who has a gun full of souls of the people you killed.


What if...

Super Smash Bros. Brawl

Snake is only in this game because his creator sucked Masahiro Sakurai's cock for it. Meanwhile, Snake attempts to get in to Zelda's and Samus's pants but fails because he can't make a fucking pickup line that actually makes sense to save his life. These ladies do not approve. Oh yeah he also hates that blue furry hedgehog faggot.

Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT THE FOX REBELLION WAS LED BY GENE WHO STOLE ICBMG/METAL GEAR RAXA WHICH WAS AN ORCHESTRATED ATTEMPT BY ZERO AND GENE TRIES TO LAUNCH NUKES AT AMERICA ONLY TO BE STOPPED BY BIG BOSS!!!1

Metal Gear Solid for the PSP. It has been retconned to Hell. The only thing you need to know is that Ocelot proves he can't go five minutes without double-crossing somebody. Gameplay is the same, except this nifty mechanic where you bring unconscious men to the back of your truck and take them to your clubhouse.

Metal Gear Solid 4

A movie about how in five years, the global economy somehow transitioned to the stable commodity of gratuitous violence. Snake, who is inexplicably old, gets sent in to kill Ocelot, who's really Liquid, who's really not Liquid, and is really Ocelot. He meets Meryl, who friendzones Snake because he couldn't get it up because he's so old. Some shit happens, we go back to MGS1 for some giant nuke, Raiden shows up and now he's a ninja who can push an aircraft carrier with one arm, and Snake ends up beating the shit out of which ever personality Ocelot is this week. But in the end, Ocelot AGAIN double-crosses everybody. Cue deus ex machina-reliant ending, and the epilogue, full of manly tears and an appearance by Big Boss, who, despite being set on fire, is looks like a million bucks. It's exclusively on Blu-Ray players, but, given the EIGHT HOURS OF CUTSCENES, is actually a movie, so PS3 still has no games.

Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance

Moar info: Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance.

This one involves Raiden. Commence fangirls. In another trolling maneuver, Kojima changed the tagline from Tactical Espionage Action to Lightning Bolt Action. Also, coming to the 360. The fact that it will be on the 360 caused major butthurt upon PS3 fags, as Kojima is an epic troll, although they'll attempt to make people think otherwise by spewing sad half-excuses like "not true considering it's Raiden and we don't give a fuck", just like they eventually disregarded Square Enix's master stroke of porting Final Fantasy XIII to the 360 while the Versus piece of shit and XIV's online piece of shit remain exclusive to their shitty Blu-ray player. The game is actually another troll attempt by Kojima, in order to butthurt the left wing by having the player to kill the final boss, Senator Armstrong, a football playing, wild west idealist senator on steroids. This man himself was original Kojima's attempt to parody the American's politician, but somehow winning the heart of /v/. But hey, who doesn't want a nation rule by strength, where you can think and act, even kill for yourself without the annoyance those LIMP-DICK lawyers, chicken shit bureaucrats? Without 24/7 internet spew of celebrity trivia bullshit and American pride, America will be great again.

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT OMG BIG BOSS'S SCAR ON HIS CHEST IS FAKE! SOME CRAZY CHICK REVIVES THE BOSS AS AN AI. A LITTLE GIRL, PROFESSOR (ACTUALLY A KGB AGENT) AND MILLER ARE WORKING FOR CYPHER AKA ZERO TO FORCE BIG BOSS TO REJOIN HIM!ONE!!11ONE!!!!!!1

Now that Big Boss a.k.a Naked Snake has established his own mercenary group he can have orgies every night with them in addition to wrestling them with new "CQC" maneovures on rainy beaches or with random men in Costa Rica or throughout South America to join his cause.

It's about Americans taking over Costa Rica as they bring shitloads of weapons and men because Costa Rica is too pussy to have their own army and need to party. Big Boss accepts a plea from a barely legal 16-year-old girl and a professor to remove Americunts from their peaceful country as some bored group of faggots named Peace Sentinels try to take part in America's world domination following the footsteps of the Nazis, once again nukes, nukes and more nukes.

The Militaires Sans Frontieres symbol depicts a skull which is a symbol of death, ironic as the game grades you higher on less enemy casualties and general mayhem which alerts enemies.

The game also features unrealistically advanced technology and weapons including Soliton Radar and unmanned talking war machines that shouldn't even exist until the 21st century or let alone appear in a Cold War era Metal Gear Solid game. There are new weapons and equipment such as the M60 machine gun which seems more like drooling bullets than spitting them and the Love Box for two amorous players which is self-explanatory.

Aside from the unoriginality of recycling character designs from previous games there are only a handful of new weapons which if the Special Forces acquired them now they would have found Osama Bin Laden and killed all the filthy raghead terrorists ages ago.

But don't worry you can even hurt or destroy a tank with a mere pistol, sub-machine gun or assault rifle. With the addition of co-op mode you and your buddy can now bitchslap enemy soldiers as he writhes and struggles in your buddy's grasp, take turns teabagging a downed soldier and even play with maximum of four players nearby for a great foursome which you were only able to do with random fags on the internet in Metal Gear Online!

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker Characters

  • Snake/Big Boss: A pedophile and a bisexual man who only can fight and is only able to fight, has no sense of class or taste just like a typical Metal Gear Solid gamer.
  • Miller: Pseudo-weaboo Americunt who is gay with Snake and "helps" himself to Snake.
  • Huey: The worst stereotypes you can think of in one person, a cripple, a nerd and aesthetically not pleasing. Needs to absolutely harden the fuck up as suggested by his would-be partner.
  • Dr. Strangelove: A lesbian dyke especially represented by her mosquito-bite sized boobs compared to her other female peers.
  • Cecile: One of the only females that are at least good looking enough and is there for the MSF boys to enjoy a gangbang to "increase their morale".
  • Amanda: A recycled Meryl Sylverburgh from Metal Gear Solid 1.
  • Chico: A 12 year old boy with a spic accent who wouldn't shut the fuck up about monsters and other shit nobody cares about. Beaten by Ardi Rizal the smoking baby as one of the youngest children to smoke, thanks to Amanda preventing him from smoking. He rapes Paz in Metal Gear Solid 5.
  • Paz: Pedobait of an innocent looking 16 year old girl who eventually would troll fanboys especially with her true identity and a Paz, in my Metal Gear?
  • Coldman: Time and time an antagonist is always present in a Metal Gear Solid who can't help launch a nuke like he needs to take a big shit on the world almost literally. This time the bad guy is an ugly, crazy, bald Americunt. He is introduced pushing a wheelchair bound cripple down the stairs. No srsly.

Media

This game is known for its masculinity but a barely legal bitch showing off her vocal talent along with a quick flash of her mosquito-bite sized mammories (they're covered you pervert) as part of the epic trolling attempts by Kojima and his crew of course to appeal to basement dwelling Jap fanboys of Metal Gear Solid. The supposedly more m3nly fanboys of MGS are now BAWWWWing at the fact the unlikely elements of pop and warfare have fucked each other in the ass to make this.

Proof Miller and Big Boss are actually gay with each other.

You are 12 years old and what is this? Like a typical Japanese game they often cater to pedophiles like you and Big Boss. But don't worry Hideo tries to make sure you kids grow up to be a pedophile if you aren't one yet thanks to the Teen rating of this game.

Metal Gear Solid 5: Ground Zeroes

Get it? HUR HUR

The follow-up to Metal Gear Solid 4 is finally here! Our hero, Big Bos- Oh shit this isn't the game this is a $40 demo. That's right people, for $40 you can play an 2 hours worth of gameplay. Konami actually had the nerve to shit all over its consumers and amazingly enough, people still bought it and damaged controlled it to no end. People actually complained more about Kiefer Sutherland than the actual game length.

The bare-bones plot tries desperately hard to be "dark" and "serious" while actually coming off as forced and shoehorned. Big Boss must rescue Chico and Paz from Guantanamo Bay, through finding tapes scattered throughout the game you can listen to child rape coming from the same game that has vampires and giant talking robots. The series had been goofy up until this point but because Kojima wanted to seem like a badass who was still worth a damn, he decided to turn Metal Gear Solid into a shitty War Crime thriller.

Gameplay

There is always bound to be sexual innuendo in these games

Why does the grunting in this video just accompany the scene so well?

Previous Video | Next Video

Metal Gear Awesome

Metal Gear Awesome is perhaps the best summary of MGS1's plot and gameplay, but has since been baleeted from YouTube. Made by Egoraptor (the embodiment of everything that is fucking stupid about Newgrounds). If you can bear the faggotry that is Newgrounds, click below:

As it turns out, Egoraptor made a second one known as Metal Gear Awesome 2: Electric Boogaloo and it contunes to summarize MGS1's plot, albeit with even more retarded jokes than the first one, amazingly. If you want to see this masterpiece, click below:

Gallery

See Also

Metal Gear Solid is part of a series on

Gaming

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