The Moon

The moon fucking sucks. Nobody can explain how it got there or its relation to the tides.

The Moon (Powerword: Luna) is that large white thing made of cheese that orbits the Earth and tells people who cannot afford clocks when it's time to go to bed. The Moon is Earth's rape baby that was created when a planet named Theia raped Earth for the lulz, sacrificing himself to make The Moon. The Moon still sticks around today, like you did in your mom's basement when you lost your job and your bitch and had nothing to love but your porn and your cum sock.

The Moon's birth

600 billion years ago, a planet named Theia was just orbiting around with his buddies Mars and Venus. Theia looked over and saw Earth, a stunning young planet who was not out of her molten state yet. Mars noticed Theia looking at Earth and quickly shunned him away, warning him to never eye his bitch again.

In a jealous rage, Theia plotted a way to have Earth all to his own. When all of the planets were asleep, Theia lunged himself at Earth, going all an Hero and raping Earth. 9 months later, Earth was tormented with a new baby Moon.

The Moon today

Today, the moon is still next to mother's side, orbiting like a faggot. It has little gravity and is about 230,000 miles from Earth, yet humans still were able to infect The Moon, and plant a flag in it stating "This is 'MURICA's land!"

The Moon also constantly changes shape, because it's an indecisive cunt. One day, it'll be all like, "I'm going to be a sphere!" then, the next day, it'll be all like, "Ooh, I'm a crescent now!" Jesus Christ. Pick a fucking shape and stick with it already, for fuck's sake.

The Moon also acts as a shield, protecting Earth from meteors.

The Race to The Moon

The Moon has sparked a lot of hubbub within the human population, when the Republicans were afraid that the Commies were going to land on the Moon, have sex with it, then convince The Moon to crash into the United States, after the Commies sent a little iron beeping sphere into space.

So the United States invested $100,000,000 Sextillion and sacrificed 200 monkeys, 10 dogs and a cat to build a space ship that would win the race to The Moon, while the Commies were too busy tent queuing cosplaying as Soviet commisars to get the latest warez for them to interfere with such affairs.

The United States sent Apollo 11 to the Moon on the sexiest year, 1969. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear made it to The Moon with only 2 freezing nutsacks and a missing finger making America owner of a white, meaningless natural satellite that is 230,000 miles away from Earth. Congratulations.

Why The Moon is Useful

It is the official symbol of the night
It keeps satellites in orbit
It serves as a giant night light
It's white
It keeps the tides from stepping out of line
It has enough cheese on it to feed Africa

Why the Moon is useless

It's just there
It supports no life
Humans don't have societies on it (like people in the 80's thought we would today)
It's a giant meteor magnet
It covers the sun, and if you look at it, it will move out of the way causing permanent blindness
If it could talk, it would most likely be an alabaster retard

Mystical Properties

Of course, a giant glowing cheese wheel in the sky is not without magical properties, so when this object turns into full moon it can turn ordinary human beings into giant furries. These special furries can only be killed by silver bullets, unlike regular furries which can and should be killed by jacketed hollow-point rounds. When this cheesy fuck isn't turning people into bloodthirsty, killer werewolves it will turn them into psychopathic mass-murderers.

	“	Carried away by a moonlight shadow. All she saw was a silhouette of a gun, Far away on the other side.	„
	—Based on a true story, http://vimeo.com/51696216

The Moon in Popular culture

Emos, goths, werewolf otherkin and other young humans of darkness see the moon as a cool edgy symbol, and often like telling other people about how much they love it in order to appear like majestic ambassadors of the night.

There exist many autistic 12 year old girls who would sneak out of the house at night on a full moon and stare or howl at the stupid thing in hopes that they would sprout pubic hair all over and become the animal of their spirit.