Eurovision

Example of epic win. (See above.)
Trust the Ukraine to be so brilliant...

Eurovision, Europe's ~~largest song contest~~ only song contest, has over the saddening years of its existence turned further and further into a full-blown gay parade. It is and has always been the sticky jam holding Europe together. It acts as a chance for all countries in Europe to get [a ~~lucky~~ few members] together as a happy love family in one big stadium . The contest itself is actually based around a sick kind of variety singing show as may be found in the likes of Britain or America; the only difference being that it's the whole of non-feudal Europe taking part, and instead of the foreigners who can't sing being voted off immediately, in the Eurovision Song Contest they win!

	“	To participate in Eurovision is like running in the Special Olympics - even if you win, you're still retarded.	„
	—The old saying, stolen from somewhere else.

The show lasts for a an entire evening and occurs once every year, around late May/early June - the timing is thought to be because most host countries depart into either a civil-war, a nuclear-winter, or some other kind of anarchy usually related to the West stealing their resources.

History

The first nigger on Eurovision was Poortugayse.

Eurovision came into being after Hitler killed some people for the lulz in some place at least 100 years ago, with the effect of making European pussies feel sad. The Contest is considered the most heinous result of WW2. A Swiss person (most likely Josef Fritzl in disguise) began thinking that the best way to cheer up a continent was to play some sixth-rate foreign songs one night every year in a massive TL;DW program. It was a great success for many years until Celine Dion entered.

It continually grows slowly more ghey, reaching its pinnacle in Failand, Helsinki, 2006, where the Ukraine created mega-lulz through their fail-faggotry performance. 2010 is expected to top our gaydar results with performances almost three-times gayer than the last three years put together!

The first nigger on Eurovision was poortugayse
Should countries like Portugal, Spain, Israel be considered european in order to participate in the event?

Voting Patterns

Of course the majority of votes come from France - given most of Eastern Europe can't vote due to lack of technology - England is too busy with Britain's Got Talent, Spain's population are too Spanish to care, while Germany doesn't vote out of fear that they reveal their racist nature towards the Slavs of Poland who they pwned some time ago...This leaves only France and those other shitty cling-on countries to not-vote-for-England, mainly due to the fact George Bush was once in charge of Tony Blair who was once in charge of Britain, plus they feel sorry for Saddam Hussein.

Eurovision is literally the only world affair America can't pry open, this bothers them immensely. They get jealous and bitchfit at England every late May; over the next month this jealousy builds and Americunts get moody and angsty at being left out, so decide to celebrate not being British anymore by destroying the ozone-layer with lots of fire-works on July 4th and blames it onSkippyland down under. The British then feel sorry for their obese-spoilt-child and make up by licking their President's ass. See, Eurovision has more effect on politics than you may think!

The Contestants

Of course to win Eurovision is not the same as winning in RL, for as everyone knows;

The only way you can actually take part without being a retard, is if you fail so hard you automatically win; surprisingly enough, there have been acts like this, mostly out of epic win countries like The Ukraine or Finland, where natural talent is just so rare it actually hurts when you find it.

There are several types of weeners to be found on Eurovision, each participant's potential defects into one of the following:

The Political Weener; Participants voted for by gay Parisian liberals, often out of pity for that country or hatred of another, for example "Ah Hatrod le Britannia, le votey Malta!" (Non-Frog: I hate Britain - let's vote Malta). The only country not voted for in this category is Britain. No matter what. Ever, eveer, eveeer.

The Poor Weener; Countries in the Balkans or Eastern Europe voted for by Western Europeans feeling pitiful that they forgot to tip their cleaning lady last thursday. These acts often cannot sing but come anyway.

The Old Weener; Countries like Finland who've forgotten what it's like to be cool and up to date, these countries rely on Fashion tips from places like Sweden and therefore are at least twenty years out-of-date in the wrong direction. Surprisingly these come scarily close to winning, or even winning(!) as seen in the contest of 2006 - won by a hard-rock "monster" band from Finland.

The Epic Fail Weener; The most common and ergo best type of winner, however they often lose due to shitty French people on the other end of the telephone. These participants are deemed fail by the entire Eurovision audience (and that's saying something), this creates a phenomena where something fails so hard that it actually stops failing and becomes win. These are the lulziest of all acts and get the vote of /b/ and many more. The most nobbable of this category came from Ukraine in 2007.

2008

The crowd sums up the whole contest.

2009

The year 2009 provided a strange - more salty; less Russian - taste to the contest, given that surprisingly this year, Britain got voted for! They finished in (joint) fourth position, higher than their last score of zero!

While other shitty countries continued to be voted for by their communist allies, Norway, in a strange natural - Northern Lights related phenomenon - finished first place with a score topping the last topping score. Their chosen singer, thirteen-year-old boy Alexander Rybak - already famed for his yaoi series Sensitive Pornography (fapfapfap). He won with the song fairytale - now played on loop throughout Europe, even in fucking Crete of all places.