Registration has been disabled and the moderation extension has been turned off.
Contact an admin on Discord or EDF if you want an account. Also fuck bots.

Bill Schmalfeldt

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This is an old revision of this page, as edited by imported>LulzKiller at 07:27, 24 February 2016. It may differ significantly from the current revision.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT PedoBear BILL SCHMALFELDT HIT WITH RESTRAINING ORDER BY 3-YEAR-OLD!!!!!!! (archive)!!!1
Bill Schmalfeldt: Internet Tough Guy
Want to be fat and bloated in 30 days? Just follow the Bill Schmalfeldt Butthurt Emo diet: booze for breakfast, lunch, dinner! (hic!)

Who Is Bill Schmalfeldt?

Bill Schmalfeldt...who pisses himself when confronted in real life.

In his mind, Bill Schmalfeldt is an Internet Tough Guy. In reality, Bill Schmalfeldt is a drunk bloated pedobear troll whose style of harassing people who mock him has landed himself in a whole heap of legal trouble and made him one of the more entertaining internet lolcows. His stupidity guarantees that he'll always fuck up...and that same stupidity also guarantees he will be unable to admit he fucked up.

What Does Bill Schmalfeldt Do?

Since Schmalfeldt claims to be disabled, one thing he does NOT do is actually work. This leaves his useless ass plenty of time to indulge his perversions, stalk and harass people (and their small children), and be an all-around waste of society's resources.

Blackout Drinking

Bill Schmalfeldt (Cartoonists Rendition.)

Schmalfeldt's penchant for Johnnie Walker Red is common Internet knowledge (archive). (At 4200 calories per bottle, this ensures Bill will remain a bloated laughable fuck for the foreseeable future.)

Collecting Restraining Orders

Bill Schmalfeldt's drunk tantrums even spook Clippy

Drunk people do dumb shit. Psychotic people do crazy shit. So obviously, Bill Schmalfeldt has done some dumb crazy shit which has caught the attention of the authorities. Bill still hasn't learned that stalking, harassing and DOXing people is kind of illegal.

To date, Bill has been hit with 9 restraining orders in 6 states, including:

Schmalfeldt also enhanced his PedoBear profile by being barred from harassing a 3-year-old child.

Before fleeing to Wisconsin in 2015, Bill Schmalfeldt (alias "Cabin Boy" and "Dumbfuck" was a frequent defendant in the Maryland Courts. He also has racked up restraining orders in a half-dozen states.

Cub Scout CP

Bill thinks we're as fascinated by his feces as he is.
   
“ 		 
Be proud of the filth in your head
  		„
  		 

—--Bill Schmalfeldt

In the interest of taste, we won't dwell too much on how Bill got the banhammer at Daily Kos. Let's just say it involved Schmalfeldt's fascination with anal rape and Cub Scouts. 'Nuff said.

A few months after getting booted from Daily Kos, Schmalfeldt tried to sneak back on under an alias, only to get banhammered again for cyberstalking and harassment.

In 2015, Microsoft dumped Bill Schmalfeldt's Outlook email account, following an investigation which found that Schmalfeldt had used his account for "illegal activity, to spread malware or to view/distribute CP"

Coprophilia

   
“ 		 
I think I really, really need to go poo-poo, but the meat seems to be blocking progress down there. Maybe a cheeseburger would push everything through?
  		„
  		 

—--Bill Schmalfeldt, May 24, 2010

Gail Schmalfeldt bitchslaps Bill from the grave.
Gail Schmalfeldt bitchslaps Bill AGAIN from the grave.

Bill Schmalfeldt's fascination with "pooty holes" (usually those of children) and his own feces is some pretty sick shit. Only someone drunk and/or stupid would BLOG about that shit, right?

   
“ 		 
I made my way to the bathroom to assess the damage. Let’s just say it was moderate. My brain eventually realized what my bottom was doing and managed to close the barn door after only SOME of the horses had gotten out.

Unfortunately, some of those horses had made their way up the back of my Depends where they soiled my underpants and the shorts I was wearing. My shirt was spared.

I got everything all cleaned up, the unfortunate adult diaper was bagged and tossed into the trash, the soiled clothing was dropped into the wash, I put on a new Depends, new shorts, and some long pajama pants.

I was a MESSY little baby.
 

„
  		 

—--Bill Schmalfeldt blogs about shitting himself

Cursing Out His Catholic Jailers

Welcome to Canticle and Juniper Courts in St. Francis, Wisconsin! They accept Section 8 housing vouchers, obviously (since how ELSE would a lazy fatass like Bill Schmalfeldt get housing anywhere?!)

It's also managed by the local Catholic diocese, which is pretty funny, once you know Schmalfeldt's background blogging pedo and misogynist shit:

   
“ 		 
She just couldn't fucking do it. So much for her wanting peace. I'm not "bargaining" with the evil twat. I was offering her a way out.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 20 Feb 2016.

   
“ 		 
And some sick-ass mother fucker sends me this. HOW CAN YOU CLAIM THE MORAL HIGH GROUND when you do this shit?
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 20 Feb 2016, ensuring that people will send him MOAR of that shit for the lulz

   
“ 		 
Here's what I'd like you to do before the end of the weekend, Pabs. Reach down into your throat until your hand comes out your stinking ass, grab one of your dingleberry encrusted ass hairs and pull yourself inside out.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 20 May 2015, who wonders how he ended up with NINE restraining orders....

   
“ 		 
Just wondering if the adulterous slut @cgable63 would like to take a moment from her ass kissing of the #DallasDimwit to tell her kids that their grandma died.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 8 March 2013, tweeting to his ex-wife that her mother-in-law died

   
“ 		 
I am just thinking you might consider taking a 72 hour break from sucking Stranny dick to honor my mother
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 8 March 2013, turning on the charm to request a favor

   
“ 		 
That cunt would smother her mom and eat her corpse
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 6 March 2013

   
“ 		 
Nobody wishes any harm to @stranahn's wife. Being married to a cunt is hard enough on the poor girl
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 27 August 2012.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

On the other hand, given the Catholics' tight relationship with misogynists and pedophiles, Bill Schmalfeldt must fit in there pretty darn well!

Lolsuits

What do you do when you're a bloated drunk pedobear with homosexual tendencies and the Internet won't stop laughing at your tough-guy routine and pounding you with butthurt?

FILE A LOLSUIT!


Bill has filed 6 lawlsuits in the last 2 years. All of them turn out the same way: Dumbfuck Bill's ignorance of the law has judges sailing his complaints right into the shitpile. Since Schmalfeldt doesn't work for a living, he tries to suck the government's tit some MOAR by demanding to file in forma pauperis. Sometimes the court shows mercy, sometimes the court tells Bill to GTFO.

List of Bill's Past Fails

Here's a list of Schmalfeldt's attempts to shut his detractors up, and the predictable result:

  • Lolsuit 1: Schmalfeldt v. Hoge. Filed 20 May, 2014; withdrawn by Plaintiff (after turning his panties into a fudge factory) 22 May, 2014.
  • Lolsuit 2: Hoge v. Schmalfeldt. Counterclaims filed on 3 June, 2014; counterclaims dismissed with prejudice 15 August, 2014.
  • Lolsuit 3: Schmalfeldt v. Johnson. Filed 2 February, 2015; motion to proceed in forma pauperis denied 18 February, 2015; dismissed for lack of jurisdiction 18 February, 2015.
  • Lolsuit 4: Schmalfeldt v. Hoge. Filed 23 February, 2015; dismissed for lack of service of process and improper venue 18 June, 2015.
  • Lolsuit 5: Schmalfeldt v. Grady. Filed 27 April, 2015; dismissed with prejudice 19 August, 2015.

Lolsuit 6

After fleeing Maryland to escape his criminal troubles, Bill was pissed to learn that people where still mocking his fat drunk ass. On 17 December 2015, Schmalfeldt filed his latest shitpile in Milwaukee Federal Court. After a real lawyer answered Bill's lawlsuit, Bill pissed his panties and quickly dropped most of the defendants from the suit.

Two months later, when the dumbfuck realized his defendants might actually have the resources to rape him in court, Bill began begging for a settlement.

The response?

   
“ 		 
Hmmm. Interesting words from someone who has absolutely no compunction about bringing in completely un-related parties – INCLUDING A FUCKING TODDLER – into the “conversation” because he wants to intimidate me into silence. He’s figured out that that won’t work, so now he thinks that dangling being dropped from his pathetic FAIL of a lawsuit will.
  		„
  		 

—LOLSUIT Defendant mocking Bill's "offer", 20 February 2016

That sounds like a no.

Gail Schmalfeldt

Gail Schmalfeldt become a zombie on June 17, 2015. Some say that Gail an heroed herself to escape from Bill Schmalfeldt's constant neglect, abuse and humiliation. Like being forced to endure photographs on your deathbed. Unfortunately for Gail, even death didn't deliver her from Bill's abuse of her dignity. After getting her cremated, Bill took the classy step of posing with the Ziploc bag of her ashes.

  • Gail Schmalfeldt memorialized by a Wordpress surfer.
    Gail Schmalfeldt memorialized by a Wordpress surfer.
  • Gail Schmalfeldt photographed by her psychotic exhibitionist abuser Bill.
    Gail Schmalfeldt photographed by her psychotic exhibitionist abuser Bill.
  • Gail Schmalfeldt photographed by her psychotic exhibitionist abuser Bill, postmortem.]]
    Gail Schmalfeldt photographed by her psychotic exhibitionist abuser Bill, postmortem.]]



You stay classy Bill Schmalfeldt!


Gallery

Gallery of Creep About missing Pics
  • Bill Schmalfeldt fucks livestock when he can't find a willing Cub Scout
    Bill Schmalfeldt fucks livestock when he can't find a willing Cub Scout
  • Gail Schmalfeldt
    Gail Schmalfeldt
  • Bill and Gail Schmafeldt in happier times....sort of
    Bill and Gail Schmafeldt in happier times....sort of
  • Gail Schmalfeldt
    Gail Schmalfeldt
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]
  • Gail Schmalfeldt ashes
    Gail Schmalfeldt ashes
  • Gail Schmalfeldt is happy to be free of her abuser.
    Gail Schmalfeldt is happy to be free of her abuser.
  • Gail Schmalfeldt
    Gail Schmalfeldt
  • Gail Schmalfeldt was just a meal ticket to lazyfuck Bill
    Gail Schmalfeldt was just a meal ticket to lazyfuck Bill
  • Gail Schmalfeldt Bill couldnt wait for her to DIE
    Gail Schmalfeldt Bill couldnt wait for her to DIE

See Also

External Links

Bill Schmalfeldt is part of a series on

Trolls

Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.

Featured article February 22 and 23, 2016
Preceded by
Valentine's Day Massacre 		Bill Schmalfeldt Succeeded by
NPR
Retrieved from "http://edramatica.com/index.php?title=Bill_Schmalfeldt&oldid=129046"