Bill Schmalfeldt

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT BILL SCHMALFELDT BITCHSLAPPED WITH LOLSUIT IN MARYLAND CIVIL COURT (archive)!!!1

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT PedoBear BILL SCHMALFELDT HIT WITH RESTRAINING ORDER BY 3-YEAR-OLD!!!!!!! (archive)!!!1

Want to be fat and bloated in 30 days? Just follow the Bill Schmalfeldt Butthurt Emo diet: booze for breakfast, lunch, dinner! (hic!)

Who Is Bill Schmalfeldt?

Bill Schmalfeldt...who pisses himself when confronted in real life.

In his mind, Bill Schmalfeldt is an Internet Tough Guy. In reality, Bill Schmalfeldt is a drunk bloated pedobear troll whose style of harassing people who mock him has landed himself in a whole heap of legal trouble and made him one of the more entertaining internet lolcows. His stupidity guarantees that he'll always fuck up...and that same stupidity also guarantees he will be unable to admit he fucked up.

What Does Bill Schmalfeldt Do?

Since Schmalfeldt claims to be disabled, one thing he does NOT do is actually work. This leaves his useless ass plenty of time to indulge his perversions, stalk and harass people (and their small children), and be an all-around waste of society's resources.

Blackout Drinking

Bill Schmalfeldt (Cartoonists Rendition.)

Schmalfeldt's penchant for Johnnie Walker Red is common Internet knowledge (archive). (At 4200 calories per bottle, this ensures Bill will remain a bloated laughable fuck for the foreseeable future.)

Collecting Restraining Orders

Bill Schmalfeldt's drunk tantrums even spook Clippy

Drunk people do dumb shit. Psychotic people do crazy shit. So obviously, Bill Schmalfeldt has done some dumb crazy shit which has caught the attention of the authorities. Bill still hasn't learned that stalking, harassing and DOXing people is kind of illegal.

To date, Bill has been hit with 9 restraining orders in 6 states, including:

Schmalfeldt also enhanced his PedoBear profile by being barred from harassing a 3-year-old child.

Before fleeing to Wisconsin in 2015, Bill Schmalfeldt (alias "Cabin Boy" and "Dumbfuck" was a frequent defendant in the Maryland Courts. He also has racked up restraining orders in a half-dozen states.

Cub Scout CP

Bill thinks we're as fascinated by his feces as he is.

	“	Be proud of the filth in your head	„
	—--Bill Schmalfeldt

In the interest of taste, we won't dwell too much on how Bill got the banhammer at Daily Kos. Let's just say it involved Schmalfeldt's fascination with anal rape and Cub Scouts. 'Nuff said.

A few months after getting booted from Daily Kos, Schmalfeldt tried to sneak back on under an alias, only to get banhammered again for cyberstalking and harassment.

In 2015, Microsoft dumped Bill Schmalfeldt's Outlook email account, following an investigation which found that Schmalfeldt had used his account for "illegal activity, to spread malware or to view/distribute CP"

Coprophilia

	“	I think I really, really need to go poo-poo, but the meat seems to be blocking progress down there. Maybe a cheeseburger would push everything through?	„
	—--Bill Schmalfeldt, May 24, 2010

Gail Schmalfeldt bitchslaps Bill from the grave.

Gail Schmalfeldt bitchslaps Bill **AGAIN** from the grave.

Bill Schmalfeldt's fascination with "pooty holes" (usually those of children) and his own feces is some pretty sick shit. Only someone drunk and/or stupid would BLOG about that shit, right?

	“	I made my way to the bathroom to assess the damage. Let’s just say it was moderate. My brain eventually realized what my bottom was doing and managed to close the barn door after only SOME of the horses had gotten out. Unfortunately, some of those horses had made their way up the back of my Depends where they soiled my underpants and the shorts I was wearing. My shirt was spared. I got everything all cleaned up, the unfortunate adult diaper was bagged and tossed into the trash, the soiled clothing was dropped into the wash, I put on a new Depends, new shorts, and some long pajama pants. I was a MESSY little baby.	„
	—--Bill Schmalfeldt blogs about shitting himself

MOAR exciting adventures of Bill Schmalfeldt shitting himself can be found ***HERE!***

Cursing Out His Catholic Jailers: Canticle and Juniper Courts

Welcome to Canticle and Juniper Courts in St. Francis, Wisconsin! They accept Section 8 housing vouchers, obviously (since how ELSE would a lazy fatass like Bill Schmalfeldt get housing anywhere?!)

It's also managed by the local Catholic diocese, which is pretty funny, once you know Schmalfeldt's background blogging pedo and misogynist shit:

	“	The stupid people one satirizes are generally too stupid to get that they are being lampooned. It's like in a fight when you slam your opponent between the eyes with a two by four, and they stand there blinking. The brain knows something just happened. It just doesn't know what.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt 11 Mar 2016 who amusingly calls other people "stupid"...when HE is the one who got his ass kicked in court by a 3-year-old

	“	Whose MARRIAGE am I meddling in, you diseased, smegma caked dick?	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt 21 Feb 2016, being his typical vile self.

	“	She just couldn't fucking do it. So much for her wanting peace. I'm not "bargaining" with the evil twat. I was offering her a way out.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 20 Feb 2016.

	“	And some sick-ass mother fucker sends me this. HOW CAN YOU CLAIM THE MORAL HIGH GROUND when you do this shit?	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 20 Feb 2016, ensuring that people will send him MOAR of that shit for the lulz

	“	Ye torrents roar Ye tempests howl! Your wrath outpour With angry growl! Do ye your worst, my vengeance call Shall rise triumphant over all!	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 29 Nov 2015, quoting the Mikado, which gives Bill Schmalfeldt fuzzy memories of that tranny he fucked on a stage in Japan srsly!

	“	Now, let me slip into my HAZMAT suit so you can give us a cuddle, and then off to beddy-bye, you adorable psychotic gash.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt 13 Nov 2015

	“	Here's what I'd like you to do before the end of the weekend, Pabs. Reach down into your throat until your hand comes out your stinking ass, grab one of your dingleberry encrusted ass hairs and pull yourself inside out.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 20 May 2015, who wonders how he ended up with NINE restraining orders....

	“	Given that I have stage IV Parkinson's disease, and it is affecting not just my body but my mind in the form of executive functioning and impulse/emotional control, I thought I could plea Not Guilty by Reason of Diminished Mental Capacity. Judge Ellinghaus-Jones told me that meant the trial would stop, I would be taken to a state mental facility to determine if I could tell the difference between right and wrong. I decided to drop the idea and gave a straight not guilty.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, April 2015, trying to evade responsibility for his criminal behavior by playing the "But I'm A Retard!"-Card

	“	Have a nice weekend, boys. Ya went and pissed off a guy with PD Dementia. Who knows what'll happen? I sure don't.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 10 Oct 2014, trying to play the "I'm a psycho, so you better not make me MAD!"-Card

	“	You clever boys had me pegged. I am just so stupid, that I am going to stumble into the court and totally fuck myself over.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 13 Oct 2013, who has a habit of stumbling into courts and totally fucking himself over.

	“	Just wondering if the adulterous slut @cgable63 would like to take a moment from her ass kissing of the #DallasDimwit to tell her kids that their grandma died.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 8 March 2013, tweeting to his ex-wife that her mother-in-law died

	“	I am just thinking you might consider taking a 72 hour break from sucking Stranny dick to honor my mother	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 8 March 2013, turning on the charm to request a favor

	“	That cunt would smother her mom and eat her corpse	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 6 March 2013

	“	How many heterosexual men reading this diary right now have never asked their wife or girlfriend to just take a deep breath, relax, "I'll just put in the tip and we'll see how it goes," and then you ram it home like Captain Kidd jamming his sword back into his scabbard while she hollers "takeitouttakeitouttakeitout" and you tell her to just relax and it won't hurt so bad and she starts kicking and screaming "takeitOUTtakeitOUTtakeitOUT youfuckingbastardpieceofshit" and you finally do (because the walls are thin and your neighbors just LOVE calling the cops) and you tell her she should have at least given herself a chance to relax and enjoy it and she (if she's your wife) doesn't let you anywhere near her with "that thing" for weeks and if she's your girlfriend she stops returning your calls?	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 18 May 2012, describing the fun he has anally raping the womens.

	“	Any time I've been in a bar fight, I'm generally the guy standing. I can't do it physically any more, but if you dipshits really want to go to court with me, BRING IT. And send me pictures of your homes, because they will be mine. And your wives. They'll be mine, too. Everything you own. Mine. Anything else you want to talk about, dickface?	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, Internet Tough Guy, 2012

	“	How about we find out where you are staying and rape YOU? Of course, no one would actually DO that, for fear of getting genital warts from your filthy, unwashed, unwiped ass. How many men do you figure it would take to hold you down, Stranny. I bet one could do it.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 2012, who wonders how he ended up with Restraining Orders against him in 6 States (and counting...)

	“	Nobody wishes any harm to @stranahn's wife. Being married to a cunt is hard enough on the poor girl	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, 27 August 2012.

	“	I had a stroke near the inferior frontal gyrus on the left three weeks ago today, but it was a minor one and I'm already getting better.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, Nov 18, 2011, trying to claim that his brain is not massively fucked up.

	“	I'm not shy about self-promotion. I've used my own blog as well as this one on Technorati to tell you about my quest. I've spent EASILY over $1,000 of my own money to promote these books with press releases, SEO tools, and other such self-promotional expenses.And in the year that has gone by, you could count the number of books I've sold on two hands. You don't NEED hands to count the Zazzle products I've sold. Zero doesn't REQUIRE a digit.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, Oct 6, 2011, admitting he is an attention whore (and an epic fail at it).

	“	We’re in Milwaukee and having a wonderful time… even though I had an embarrassing moment...I — uh — had a repeat of a previous gastrointestinal incident that I wrote about yesterday. This time, it soaked through the pants and into the chair I was sitting on… something every adult child dreams of. Poopin’ on one of Mom’s chairs.	„
	—Bill Schmalfeldt, Apr 17 2010, blogging about shitting himself. again.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

On the other hand, given the Catholics' tight relationship with misogynists and pedophiles, Bill Schmalfeldt must fit in there pretty darn well!

Lolsuits

What do you do when you're a bloated drunk pedobear with homosexual tendencies and the Internet won't stop laughing at your tough-guy routine and pounding you with butthurt?

FILE A LOLSUIT!

Bill has filed 6 lawlsuits in the last 2 years. All of them turn out the same way: Dumbfuck Bill's ignorance of the law has judges sailing his complaints right into the shitpile. Since Schmalfeldt doesn't work for a living, he tries to suck the government's tit some MOAR by demanding to file in forma pauperis. Sometimes the court shows mercy, sometimes the court tells Bill to GTFO.

List of Bill's Past Fails

Here's a list of Schmalfeldt's attempts to shut his detractors up, and the predictable result:

Lolsuit 1: Schmalfeldt v. Hoge. Filed 20 May, 2014; withdrawn by Plaintiff (after turning his panties into a fudge factory) 22 May, 2014.
Lolsuit 2: Hoge v. Schmalfeldt. Counterclaims filed on 3 June, 2014; counterclaims dismissed with prejudice 15 August, 2014.
Lolsuit 3: Schmalfeldt v. Johnson. Filed 2 February, 2015; motion to proceed in forma pauperis denied 18 February, 2015; dismissed for lack of jurisdiction 18 February, 2015.
Lolsuit 4: Schmalfeldt v. Hoge. Filed 23 February, 2015; dismissed for lack of service of process and improper venue 18 June, 2015.
Lolsuit 5: Schmalfeldt v. Grady. Filed 27 April, 2015; dismissed with prejudice 19 August, 2015.

Lolsuit 6

After fleeing Maryland to escape his criminal troubles, Bill was pissed to learn that people where still mocking his fat drunk ass. On 17 December 2015, Schmalfeldt filed his latest shitpile in Milwaukee Federal Court. After a real lawyer answered Bill's lawlsuit, Bill pissed his panties and quickly dropped most of the defendants from the suit.

Two months later, when the dumbfuck realized his defendants might actually have the resources to rape him in court, Bill began begging for a settlement.

The response?

	“	Hmmm. Interesting words from someone who has absolutely no compunction about bringing in completely un-related parties – INCLUDING A FUCKING TODDLER – into the “conversation” because he wants to intimidate me into silence. He’s figured out that that won’t work, so now he thinks that dangling being dropped from his pathetic FAIL of a lawsuit will.	„
	—LOLSUIT Defendant mocking Bill's "offer", 20 February 2016

That sounds like a no.

After weeks predicting that the defendants would default, Schmalfeldt's prediction turned out to be typical bullshit as an attorney for defendants appeared and filed a shitload of lulzy motions:

Motion to Dismiss
Motion to Strike Plaintiff's Motion to Disqualify Counsel (As usual, Internet Tough Guy Schmalfeldt pissed his panties when a real lawyer appeared on the scene, desperately filing a Motion to exclude the lawyer from the case. So the lawyer filed this reply to Bill's self-shitting maneuver)
Motion for Leave to File An Immediate Motion for Sanctions Under Rule 11 (Presenting evidence that Bill Schmalfeldt is a willful, ignorant plaintiff who needs to be disciplined by the Court.)

Lolsuit 7

Christmas comes early!

	“	On 2 March, I filed a lawsuit in the Circuit Court for Carroll County, Maryland, against...William Schmalfeldt [and other assorted assholes]...I allege that all the defendants are members of a civil conspiracy, ...engaged in defamation,...and that William Schmalfeldt breached a settlement agreement. The suit seeks monetary damages and injunctive relief.	„
	— Opening volley in LOLSUIT VII: Hoge vs. Schmalfeldt et al

Vandalizing This ED Page!

Let's see if Bill Schmalfeldt gets the point the first time.

On March 11, Bill Schmalfeldt tried to work off some of his drunken butthurt by vandalizing this ED page. The edit lasted 6 WHOLE MINUTES...which is about 5 minutes longer than Bill's laughable microdick could last inside a shemale (back in the days before Bill got too obese to raise that midget soldier aloft, of course).

Next time Bill Schmalfeldt feels tempted to take out his inadequacies on an innocent ED page, might we suggest that he fucking READ THIS FIRST?

Violent Fantasies and Threats

Bill Schmalfeldt's rage is as impotent as his softbatch cock, but that doesn't stop Bill from repeatedly fantasizing about doing violence to his enemies, while beating his eternally soft meat.

Bill Schmalfeldt, 13 Mar 2016

Did they seriously threaten you, or do you just have shitty taste in men?

Bill Schmalfeldt, 8 Jun 2015

Bill Schmalfeldt, 15 Jul 2014

Otherwise they will believe what you said, oh wait...

Bill Schmalfeldt, Sept 2013

Bill Schmalfeldt, 29 Jul 2013

Bill Schmalfeldt, 28 Jul 2013

	“	Julie and Wagatwe Wanjuki began a Twitter hashtag about sexual assault survivors, which took off.	„
	—"Curator" Andrea Vargas on Why they're not real campus rape victims to fit our narrative?

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Gail Schmalfeldt

Gail Schmalfeldt become a zombie on June 17, 2015. Some say that Gail an heroed herself to escape from Bill Schmalfeldt's constant neglect, abuse and humiliation. Like being forced to endure photographs on your deathbed. Or having to endure Bill's enjoyment of anal rape.

Unfortunately for Gail, even death didn't deliver her from Bill's abuse of her dignity. After giving her corpse a creampie, then getting the bitch cremated, Bill took the classy step of posing with the Ziploc bag of her ashes.

Gail Schmalfeldt memorialized by a Wordpress surfer.
Gail Schmalfeldt photographed by her psychotic exhibitionist abuser Bill.
Gail Schmalfeldt photographed by her psychotic exhibitionist abuser Bill, postmortem.]]

Gail Schmalfeldt Yes, Bill really blogged this photo of his rapidly zombifying wife.
Gail Schmalfeldt photographed ( and tweeted) by abuser Bill.
Gail Schmalfeldt now better known as "Saint Gail of the Clockwork Urn" (don't ask; it's a long story)

You stay classy Bill Schmalfeldt!

Gallery

Gallery of Creep About missing Pics

Bill Schmalfeldt fucks livestock when he can't find a willing Cub Scout
Gail Schmalfeldt
Bill and Gail Schmafeldt in happier times....sort of
Gail Schmalfeldt

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Gail Schmalfeldt ashes
Gail Schmalfeldt is happy to be free of her abuser.
Gail Schmalfeldt
Gail Schmalfeldt was just a meal ticket to lazyfuck Bill
Gail Schmalfeldt Bill couldnt wait for her to DIE

External Links

IS BILL SCHMALFELDT HARASSING YOU? Helpful advice if you end up getting harassed/stalked by Bill Schmalfeldt
Billy Sez (A website devoted to daily Bill Schmalfeldt LULZ
Thinking Man's Zombie (Another website devoted to daily Bill Schmalfeldt LULZ
Hogewash (Often reports on Bill Schmalfeldt's illegal behavior and his latest restraining orders.)
The Other McCain (Often reports on Bill Schmalfeldt.)
The *original* Artisan Craft Blog! (Often reports on Bill.)
Kimberlin Unmasked (Home of Bill Schmalfeldt Mockery Comix, Inc.)
Urban Dictionary entry for "Schmalfeldt"
WARNING: Cardinal Capital Management allows psychostalkerpedo to live @ Juniper Court (Someone's not happy about the newest resident of Canticle and Juniper Courts in St. Francis Wisconsin...)
Deranged Cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt Inspires Epic Downfall Parody Video
Meet Bill Schmalfeldt
Bill Schmalfeldt: The Stranger Who Harassed My Family (Dated 2012, an early profile of Schmalfeldt's psychotic trolling behavior.)
Bill Schmalfeldt's Lies
Criminal Arrest Warrant Was Issued for Bill Schmalfeldt
The Rhetoric of Deranged Cyberstalker Bill Schmalfeldt
Cardinal Capital Management has PsychoGunPedophile Bill Schmalfeldt living @ Juniper Court Wisconsin
Blubber Sues Bloggers (A brief blog covering the early Lolsuits)

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