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Rozen Maiden
Rozen Maiden is one of the more up-and-coming anime series out there, meaning that it features lolicon, incest, and dolls. For extra lulz, they decided to combine the pedophilia and robots by having the main human character, Jun, in love or something with his walking, talking, hateful dyke of a doll named Shinku. The real reason for its popularity, though, is that the main character is a shut-in social reject, much like all anime fans, and thus serves as a convenient method of living vicariously through someone who isn't real. Naturally, there's a real girl with a crush on him, Tomoe Cameltomoe, or Clitorsu or some shit, but Jun prefers his little pedo-doll, who regularly beats him, srsly. Throw in a sister, who it reveals in one episode has a thing for him, and this series more than meets your daily requirement of sick fuckery!
Rating
- Action: 2. Imagine a bunch of loli barbies attacking each other with feathers, jewelry, possesed toys, and plants. Now imagine that while they cry about why their father doesn't love them.
- Lulz: 5. Tries to be funny and cute but ends up being painfully annoying. If you somehow manage to watch an entire episode, you won't be able to get the term DESU out of your head.
- Pedophilia: 9. Doesn't have actual sex, but the dolls strip on some occasions and there's no doubt Jun and Shinku have some creepy pseudo-romance going on. Also, Jun's sister totally wants to bend him over his sewing table and J-J-J-JAM IT IN.
- Music: 4. The soundtrack could be worse but after hearing the same fucking songs on each and every single episode, you'll realize that the pedophiles who made this show couldn’t afford more than three songs.
Characters
Dolls
Due to loose character development, not much is known about the Rozen Maiden dolls. What quickly becomes obvious, however, is that all of them have about as many social skills as the average /b/tard, which is usually enough to keep the lulz coming from one episode to the next. They're all pretty much just a bunch of narcissistic-annoying lolis that only pedophiles wouldn't want to smack halfway across the internet.
- Suigintou - aka Junk. She's constantly made fun of by Shinku, forcing her to turn into a vengeful bitch with wings that turn into machine guns that shoot feathers. She has no abdomen because the Nazi who created her
forgot todidn't give her a waistline, or doll boobs. She throws shittons of feathers at her 300-year-old loli sisters, and rips the soul right out of at least one of them. Hates the shit out of her sister Shinku for having a more successful career as a camwhore. Dies several times, but won't fucking stay down. - Kanaria - aka Kanada. Midget, often confused for a loli, with a violin and an umbrella and yellow puffy pants. Has an egg fetish and a giant ego despite being the most useless, unnecessary, and unpopular character in the series. She gets beat up by crows for her lunch and is constantly molested by the even crazier bitch she rooms with.
- Suiseiseki - aka Desu. The most annoying of the dolls due to her habit of saying DESU after every sentence which spawned 4chan's most spammed meme EVAR. Hates humans due to her traumatic experience with her last one. She shows up literally out of nowhere at the beginning of the plot and has mismatching eyes due to the fact her creator was obviously drunk at the time. She is later encased in carbonite by Barasuishou, silencing her forever, but forever wasn't long enough as she was later revived.
- Souseiseki - aka Boku. Desu's twin sister. She has short hair, wears a top hat, and lives with one of the guys from lemonparty. Devotedly followed among dickgirl fans worldwide. In the anime, she flips out after eating a bad burrito and gets her soul ripped out Temple of Doom style. She's described as being masculine, however weeaboos often forget that she's skinny as a rat. She is the only one not revived at the end.
- Shinku - aka Teabitch. Dressed in red and has a thing for Jun despite beating the shit out of him for the lulz, especially if her tea is late. In her spare time, she's a financial dominatrix and a puppet-show fangirl, maxing out Jun's credit card just about every month with her weeaboo purchases. Hates the shit out of her sister Suigintou for crushing the precious brooch her sugardaddy gave her. She hates cats.
Teabitch hates cats. - Hinaichigo - aka Nano. The second most annoying of the dolls due to her being obnoxious and whiny; but that's ok because she's also the token loli, which makes you want to fap to her, doesn't it, you sick fuck. Tastes like strawberries, especially when watered. Also notable for dying in sick, twisted ways.
- Barasuishou - A pirate that somehow found her way into the show after being created by two gay lovers. Doesn't say much, because her agent couldn't get her a part with more than three lines per season. She does however manage to kill almost everybody but she immediately fucks it up by crumbling into a weepy pile of cement like a little pussy. Turns out she wasn't the "final doll" everyone was creaming their pants over, as the real one doesn't exist physically.
- Kirakishou - Another pirate, but wears her eye patch on the other side. Likes strawberries, bananas and cannibalism. Doesn't say anything at all, ever, and only shows up for five seconds in the animu, seeing as she has an even shittier agent than Barasuishou. Only notable for eating Hinaichigo.
Humans
- Jun - A squeaky, 13 year old boy who started all this shit by finding Shinku and trying to buttsex her. Got emo after getting made fun of at school for being a dumarse. Gets kicked in the shins a lot. Later on in the series, he buys a gun and climbs up to the top of the school tower trying to beat Cho's high score.
- Nori - Jun's sister. Dreams of incest with her little brother, among other people and objects. She plays lacrosse, a game intended to turn women into lesbians. It's super effective!
- Tomoe - Jun's stalker, whom he constantly rejects due him being a dollfie. Was abducted by Hinaichigo and forced to endure days of torture in one of those Japanese Hello Kitty BDSM rooms.
- Meg - Whiny emo suicidal girl who has been hospitalized due to
a heart defectAIDS. Due to being imperfect, she doesn't have the will to live and wants to kill herself. Become's Suigintou's medium in an attempt to die because she wanted Suigintou to use up all of Meg's energy. - Rozen - The German faggot that created the seven psycho dolls to make them kill each other and rape the last one alive for the sole purpose for creating the perfect girl for him to mary because he is a foreveralone who cannot get any pussy and decided to make his own pussy. When apart from him, the dolls scream his name every night. He is an alchemist or wizard/sorcerer or some other shit.
- Enju - Remedial student of Rozen's Dollsexing 101 for Dummies. He's homocidally jealous of Rozen for making nicer doll clothes than him. Created Barasuishou because he's too much of a pussy to do the dirty work himself.
- Laplace - Enju's gay lover, turns into a giant rabbit when he clicks his heels three times. He's immortal and omniscient or some shit.
Story
Battle Royale with dolls.
Typical scenes from Rozen Maiden
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Rozen Maiden: Jun's highschool years -
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Desu tells Hina to STOP POSTING -
Just as planned -
Shinku provides /b/lackup on 7/12
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BAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW -
Even two bitter rivals know when to TAKE IT EASY -
lol -
Desu sandwich -
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Dolls CANNOT open doors, this picture is proof. -
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Jum loev loli -
Another Card Crusher derivative -
Fandom
The *chan's
Rozen maiden not only spawned a beloved meme, but has also spawned many imageboards.
The cosplay
Because the Japanese are obsessed with everything they see on TV, it is obligatory for them to dress up as their favourite cartoon heroes, Rozen Maiden being no exception. In fact, a law was recently passed in Moonland to make it illegal for people not to cosplay. All of this means, of course, that you can expect a shitload of ugly, ugly people wearing shit costumes anywhere you go, especially in America, where being ugly and overweight is a prerequisite for being a Japan-loving Weeaboo.
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OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE -
Concentrated ugliness at an anime con -
Large Desu -
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Not even trying Desu. -
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Manseiseki -
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The drama
Rozen Maiden came out as a manga in September 2002, first appearing in a non-notable magazine on the Moon called Comic Birz, which was staffed with retards and fuckups. After many years of doodling lolis with dolljoints, the authors decided that the time was right to make a cartoon out of this shit, and so work began on what was to become the most loved /b/ meme of all time. In due time, the animu was released, and elevens everywhere (including some high-profile government officials) fapped their hearts out with joy. Somewhere in the real world, someone noticed what was going on and realized that the internets needed to know about this wonderful development, and thus, through the magic of MS Paint, DESU was born.
Then suddenly, late one evening in early 2007, disaster struck when the editorial department of Birds Comics got absolutely shitfaced drunk and pissed all over the latest Rozen Maiden chapter they were supposed to run in their next issue. To try to cover up their epic failure, they ran an old copy of Naruto instead. Remarkably, nobody seemed to notice until someone pointed out that Suiseiseki wasn't saying DESU as much as she usually did. Shit hit the fan, lawsuits were filed, and the crowd of pedos on Desuchan wailed at the prospect of losing their main source of dollicon. The fail became even more epic when the authors of Rozen Maiden announced they would be severing their contract with Burger Comics, thus throwing the fate of the series in doubt and unleashing wave after wave of bawwwww from despondent weeaboos. To make things worse, the Elevens cancelled North American sales of the Animu DVDs, shattering dreams of the coveted Season Three everywhere.
As of July 2nd, 2008, the cunts responsible for putting the OVER 9000 line in the Dragon Ball Z series have announced that they rescued the Rozen Maiden series for release in North America, in addition to the countless lolicon titles that had been lost due to the aforementioned epic fail of 2007. Throughout the 4th of July holiday weekend of 2008, the joyous cheers of /b/tards, newfags, weeaboos, dollfies, and pedophiles could be heard all over the world.
The Manga
Once every 100 years, Peach-Pitt puts out a new tale, just to give false hope to dollfags that the Anime will be revived.
See Also
External links
Official
- PEACH-PIT The drunken,female,
gaylesbian creators of Rozen Maiden - Rozen Maiden Anime Official anime website of the second season and third season
- Rozen Maiden "Official" anime website of first season
Fan
UkrDramatica's article on this- Desuchan, a *chan for everything Rozen Maiden.
- Hugachan, a backup site for Desuchan.
- Junkuchan, Some shit chan no one cares about. Has a shitload of Rozen Maiden doujins though.
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Rozen Maiden is part of a series on Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage. |
| Article of the Nao May 15, 2011 | ||
| Preceded by Rusty Ray |
Rozen Maiden | Succeeded by Suzumiya Haruhi no Yūutsu |
