The Holders

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The Holders is a series of posts gathered from 7chan's /x/ board that tells of an epic quest to gather a shitload of random items that, when brought together, are supposed to end the world. Or something. People think it's serious business.

Information

There's a website that someone made specifically for this series, namely this shit, which somehow finds all the posts on 7chan and puts them up in a database. It's supposed to be creepy, and a lot of it deals with people going bat-shit crazy when they look for or find these items, but only idiots get scared of shit like this. It's an interesting read if you want to waste some time that you'll never get back.

History?

Apparently there was some blind guy that they found these documents next to (which is retarded because they were supposed to be invisible by means of - no joke - a magic thumbtack, but it apparently isn't retarded that the guy was blind, fuckwit) when they found his body, which was being eaten by cats. Then some shit happened with his body disappearing and never being seen again while in transit to the government, go figure. There are supposedly 538 of these magic items, and if you get one, then you are doomed forever, they say. The story is a blatant ripoff of House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski.

Formula

All of the different sections that tell how to get the different objects have a very formulaic nature that at first seems a bit interesting, but eventually becomes too repetitive and boring for the stories to be creepy anymore. The formula is:

1. You go to a mental hospital and ask for "The Holder of X." There's usually some kind of trick as to how you have to ask for them.
2. You're led to a room or a door, and inside there's another dimension or some shit that functions as a hallway. You have to go to the end of it, and if you mess it up, you're fucked six ways since Sunday.
3. In the next room, there's some asshole who has the item you want. They are always either too hideous to look at, or too beautiful to look away from, but if you don't look straight at them the whole time, or never even glance at them (respectively) they'll kill the fuck out of you.
4. You have to ask them a very specific question, if you say anything else they will swallow your soul and devour your mind.
5. They tell you something that is always too horrible to know (or write for that matter), then they either give you the object, or you have to kill them for it.
6. This is object Y out of 538. It is Z.
7. ????

There is no profit, just continual ???? because no one ever bothers to read all 538 of them, so no one knows what's supposed to happen.

Fun Times

Killing a newborn baby.*
Resisting the urge to dance as a naked, semi-decapitated woman strokes her turgescent manhood at you.*
Not watching as a beautiful, naked woman masturbates in response to "Are they alive?", then digging through ashes for her uterus.*
Obtaining the massive hypnotic dick of an 8-year-old girl in an open nightgown.*
Chatting with the head of a 4-year-old girl, then taking an AIDS-infested needle from under it.*
Meeting the girl from The Ring.*
Experiencing the movie Labyrinth firsthand.*
Drowning in the toilet water of a hardware store restroom.*
NINTENDO 64!!!!*
Being an hero. 1 2
Taking instructions from a talking stone head.*
Not doing anything at all.*

Some of the Items

Aforementioned thumbtack, which makes shit invisible.
The Knife. It's sharp.
The Cup. Never runs out of what is put in it; probably being used in Ireland.
The Wolf. A serial killer in a green fursuit that follows you around. Who the fuck would want this?
The friggin' knowledge of the aforementioned items.
A tattoo on some whore's tits.
An eye from a guy like the grim reaper.
A music box from a cripple.
A head.
An urn.
Candlejack. Don't say his na
Some money.
A...look. This is fucking retarded. I give up.
A freakishly large potato.

How to become a Seeker

A seeker is one who wastes their life looking for these magic things. All you have to do is be retarded, really. It's not hard. If you go crazy, though, then you'll never die and instead waste the rest of eternity protecting your "precious." However, a common recommendation is that an aspiring seeker would be more useful by becoming an hero instead.

Summary of these "Holders" is tl;dr.

Fine, don't believe me.