Gabe Newell

Gabe Newell, Gaben or Gay Ben, is the head of Valve Corporation. Gabe is famous for being a fat yet cheerful soul, and spends his days at work eating, sleeping and delaying Episode Three. Whilst doing all of this, Gabe gives out games for free in order to distract Half-Life fans from the decade-long wait for their most-wanted game.

History

Gabe was thrown out of University for eating his roommates. From there he went to work at Micro$oft, scoring millions of dollars and then ditching the company years later to create vidya gaems.

Gabe soon thought up Half-Life, where the protagonist was opposite to him in every way (thin, good looking, etc). Half-Life took over 2 years to make due to Gabe revising his Valve Time technique.

After almost making himself bankrupt, Gabe released Half-Life and got rich again. He used the money to develop Steam, attracting 13 year old boys all over the globe. He also found groups of suckers who created games such as Counter-Strike and Day of Defeat, employing them and making money off of their work. CAPITALISM, HO!

Gabe then made Half-Life 2 6 years after its prequel. He and his company now stick to updating the same old games to use newer engines rather than working on making new games, which explains why the Half-Life 2 episodes took so fucking long to arrive and why one of them doesn't exist yet (Spoiler: it never will).

To this day Valve Time is proven to be successful since Gabe has been using it on Episode Three since it was supposed to come out in 2005. Valve's fanboys continue to defend the title, proving that Valve Time helps to keep fans attached to the games. Gabe has also distracted his fans with releases such as Team Fortress 2, Left 4 Dead, Left 4 Dead 2, Portal and a bunch of other titles.

Today, Gabe still runs Valve and continues to delay Episode Three. Calling Gabe fat via the Steam Community extends the delay by at least 10 minutes.

Gabe on camera

The original. Skip to 0:55

The better version

The truth

Meanwhile at Valve

Gabe Newell as a farmer.

Gabe Newell as a phat rapper.

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Gabe's interviews

tl;dr

In short, all of Gabe Newell's interviews can be summed by this: "We're currently working on blah blah blah blah, and a big surprise will be revealed really really soon!"

Gabe's official theme song

I want to be the very fat
Like no one ever was
To develop them is my real test
To delay them is my cause
I will travel across the couch
Searchin' far and wide
Each piece of food to digest
The power that's inside!

Gaben!
It's you and me.
I know it's my destiny!
Gaben!
Ooh you're my best friend
In a game we must delay!
Gaben!
A heart so true
My stomach will pull me through
You eat me and I'll eat you
G-A-B-E-N!
(Gotta delay 'em) Gotta delay 'em Gotta delay 'em all!

Every game along the way
With hunger I will face
I will eat everyday
To claim my rightful place!
Come with me, the time is right!
There's no better team
Arm and arm, we'll piss the fans!
Episode 3 always been a dream!

Gaben!
It's you and me.
I know it's my destiny!
Gaben!
Ooh you're my best friend
In a game we must delay!
Gaben!
A heart so true
My stomach will pull me through
You eat me and I'll eat you
G-A-B-E-N!
(Gotta delay 'em) Gotta delay 'em! (Gaben!)

Gaben!
It's you and me.
I know it's my destiny!
Gaben!
Ooh you're my best friend
In a game we must delay!
Gaben!
A heart so true
My stomach will pull me through
You eat me and I'll eat you
G-A-B-E-N!
(Gotta delay 'em) Gotta delay 'em Gotta delay 'em all!
G-A-B-E-N!

tl;dr another Pokemon ripoff.

Emails sent to Gabe

Gabe sometimes responds to emails sent to his corporate address no matter how lulzy they may be.

Gabe is subtlety trolled
Gabe on being a smartass
Gabe in response to what he will do after E3
Gabe on his supreme knowledge of food
Gabe in response to a randomly generated email sent by /v/

/v/'s visit to Gabe

Around August 2010, /v/, in their wholehearted love for Gabe, sent Gabe an email with an image containing hundreds of signatures from /v/ users. Gabe responded the next day inviting /v/ to the offices of Valve. Whether /v/ will go or not is unknown since their charter buses are likely to break down under the weight of so many /v/irgins.

/v/ plans to visit Gabe sometime later in 2010 (~~considering they don't forget to go~~; lol oops). Their strict set of rules mean there will be no underageb&, furries or girlfriends. This makes shit easier (no responsibly of retarded kids, no furry pride crap and no repetitive whining about how everyone in the bus stinks of manchild sweat).