Dark Souls

WUT R U???

A CASUL???

Dark Souls is an epitome of artificial difficulty action RPG developed by the non-jewish company From Software. Known for its anally devastating fps drops difficulty, Dark Souls has gained a reputation amongst gaymers as a game that only elitist hardcoar gaymers who are gods at cowadoodys that got bored at pwning n00bz play. This is entirely untrue. It has a spiritual predecessor called Demon Souls that no one played, but this isn't the article for shit that no one cares about. On another interesting note, this game has a shithole PC port that the fans themselves asked for.

This is the average equipment choice of the pros.

Gameplay

The gameplay is fairly simple to start off with, but being made by japs, it is over complicated. All you generally have to do is swing your dinky weapon at enemies until they die. OR if you're a casual, you can use spam pyromancy or magic. There are a few starting classes to choose from and depending on which class you choose generally doesn't mean jack shit in the long run. There are also starting gifts to choose from, but all of them but one is useless.

Starting Classes

• Warrior

Generic warrior kind of guy. An okay starting class.

• Knight

Tank class. For people who have no skill and just run through shit.

• Wanderer

Emo faget class. For the edgier sort of folk.

• Cleric

Christfags #1 starting class. For pussies that like to heal with miracles and swing around blunt instruments.

• Pyromancer

The homeless guy who lives under the bridge on North Main St. apparently got a role in a video game. Uses pyromancy which is pretty cool and shit.

• Thief

The other edgy class. Starts off with the best starting gift by default allowing you to get another gift because the game thinks you're special.

• Bandit

Inferior shittier version of Knight class and tank version of the Thief. Has the highest STR of all of the classes.

• Hunter

Wears pimpin leather armor and has high DEX. Pretty much the best class in the game.

• Sorcerer

Gayest and shittiest of all of the classes. Uses magic which is completely useless.

• Deprived

Besides hunter it's the only other class really worth playing. You start off nekkid.

Weapons

To sum up the game it's just a whole clusterfuck of weapons thrown in. Most of the normal, shittier looking weapons, are the best in the game. And of course the big and bad weapons that the cool kids use like the Greatsword of Artorias or basically any boss weapon, are complete shit and only exist to fill cosplayfags wet dreams about having a threesome with Ornstien and Smough.

Give Halp pls The subsections Magic, Soceries, Pyromancy, and Miracles need heavy editing from someone else because these subsections need a cleanup/better humor because I barely did shit to write these. Also someone please add a PvP section somewhere on the article. All help is appreciated. Your friend, Dovah-kun :3 (Delete this notice when the changes are made)

Magic

Magic is the most overpowered thing in the game. It is primarily used for cheap kills in PvP. There exists 3 different kinds of "magic". We put that in quotes because the game isn't sure what the fuck its trying to do with all this shit.

Sorcery

This kind of magic is just plain old fucking magic. It's what those "uppity scholars" in a place called who gives a fuck used. Debatably, this is the strongest kind of magic because of one spell. It has many applications in the game and is very useful for things such as; murdering the innocent, disguising yourself as random shit to avoid social interaction with other players in PvP, getting past those fucking silver knights in Anor Londo (any experienced player knows what were talking about), and being a complete dick. Also it can make your weapons OP as fuck if you buff them. Many new players in PvP who die by Homing Crystal Soulmass or get one-shotted by a soul spear will usually accuse the other player of hacking. If they whine about how you keep invading them and one-shotting them, they eventually rage-quit or will send a long and sad message about how they are just trying to beat the boss/get back the fuckload of souls they lost after you invaded them. So magic is good for trolling newfags and shit but other than that its not really good for anything.

Pyromancy

The real man's magic is fucking pyromancy. This is the fuckin shit right here nigga. Not only is it ranged and powerful as fuck, it has much more of a limited range and a bit longer cast time than most sorceries making this much more fair for real PvP. Although gankers won't like this, moralfags will. Despite that, this shit is actually pretty fuckin cool. You can throw giant balls of fire and shit, puke poisonous gas, whip biches, and cause pillars of OP fire to rise from the depths of hell itself. There also exists black fire which is pretty cool and shit.

Miracles

Christfags style of magic. Basically the magic of the gods and all but one sucks. For betas and people who can't get enough estus to heal their sorry tanking-asses.

How To Play The Game

1. Choose Pyromancer
2. Go straight down to Darkroot Gardens, grab the Elite Knight gear
3. Grab a crossbow
4. Go to Andre, level all your shit up
5. Go to the Capra Demon, sit on stop of the door and ping arrows at his head till he dies
6. Open The Depths, free Laurentius and grab the Large Ember
7. Level up your shit even more, max out the pyromancy flame
8. Go to Blighttown, ascend the pyromancy flame
9. Invade other players' games, make them an hero with despair as a level one character hits them for 400+ damage a hit
10. You win the universe. Kill yourself.

How You Will Probably Actually End Up Playing The Game

1. Get lost. End up in the Catacombs. Skeleton raped.
2. Go a different way. Get lost again. End up in New Londo. Ghost raped.
3. Go a different way again. Still lost. End up in Valley of the Drakes. Dragon raped.
4. Run past dragons. Completely lost by this point. Hydra raped.
5. Somehow end up going the right way. Reach Undead Parish.
6. Probably end up raped anyway because by this point you're too angry to concentrate.
7. Hurl XBox through brick wall. Kill yourself.

List of Widely accepted GOOD Weapons

• Lucerne
• Claymore
• Balder Side Sword (Balder Swag Sword)
• Demon's Greataxe
• Man-serpent Greatsword
• Falchion
• Ricard's Rapier
• Any Black Knight weapon
• Uchigatana (Or Iatio for fags)
• Painting Guardian Sword (Almost shitty for its piss-poor range)
• Shit

List of Shitty Weapons

• Nearly every boss weapon
• Every dragon weapon
• Any weapon not listed in the list above

Story

So you want to know the story huh? Well too fucking bad because if this game had a story it wouldn't be as "deep" or "immersive" as it is. In reality it's just laziness from the devs who are just laughing their asses off because you faggots thought a fucking pendant that said IT DOESN'T DO SHIT actually did shit. Okay so you should at least get acquainted with the fucktards who make up the "wonderful" land of Lordran.

Important People to know

• Lord Gwyn

God Sunlight. Pisses lightning and shits thunder. Is the final boss of the game and is extremely easy if you can parry. Apparently is the biggest an hero in the world.

• Gravelord Nito

Edgiest thing in existence. Made up of a bunch of dead bodies. Another really easy boss.

• Seath the Scaless

Dragon with a small, scaless penis. Betrayed the dragons for Gwyn's entire porn collection. Kidnapped lolis and turned them into tentacle rape monster thingys. Raped Gwynevere and had her give birth to Priscilla, every fanboys waifu.

• Gwynevere

Some bitch who isn't even in the game. (At least not the real one.) Gives you something so you can jizz in it. Also has tits bigger than the player character's head.

• Dark Moon Gwyndolin

Token trap of the game with snakes up his skirt. Whiny little bitch who hides in his father's fake tomb. The bitch at the Anor Londo bonfire is his hoe.

• Witch of Izalith

Some witch that tried to copy a flame or shit and royally fucked up. (What did you expect from a woman?) Is the reason why that fatass nigger demon in the asylum and the most annoying boss in the game exists.

The World

So you bought the game and you're expecting an immersive world amirite? Well you just wasted money as this world is complete dick. It is mainly just a bunch of cliffs and cheap deaths by falls. The only good area in the game is Ash Lake and its hidden really good too. I mean, how was the player supposed to know you were supposed to hit a wall behind some chest and then hit a wall behind ANOTHER chest then go down a gigantic tree with lizard things that will curse you with their shit breath and mushroom people that can one-shot nearly any player? The shittiest place in the game by far has to be the Tomb of the Giants. No one wants to go there as it is just a frustrating piece of shit. It has giant skeleton beasts that can one-shot you if you're not paying attention (And by how dark it is and boring your attention span is next to none).so basically to sum up the whole place, it's all shit.

The Enemies

Every game needs good challenging enemies. Well this one just fucked up. All the enemies are bland and totally unoriginal. They range from stupid niggers throwing shit at you to one-shotting giant Hydras. We at ED have saved you the time and effort of actually playing the game and listed most of the enemies below for you.

This the common players reaction towards death.

• Hollow Soldier

Easiest enemy in the game. Takes 1-2 hits to kill. Generic.

• Black Knight

For experts this enemy is no problem at all but to beginners this one is your worst nightmare. Even if you rest at the bonfire they do not reset and will stop at nothing until you're dead. Basically really big assholes.

• Skeletons

Speaking of assholes we have another generic enemy. Most frustrating aspect of these guys is they DON'T DIE.

• Negromancers

Okay so if you kill these guys the skellies don't respawn. Neat huh?

• Wheel Skeletons

Biggest assholes in the game. Will drain your stamina bar in under 10 seconds flat if you try to block at all.

• Silver Knight

Copy-paste shittier versions of the Black Knight. Despite wearing metal their armor has high lightning resistance for no reason.

• Tree-Human-Things

No one knows what these fuckers are called. Annoying as fuck though. Most likely involved in tentacle porn another sign of being made by japs.

• Hydra

A huge dragon-thing with many heads. Shoots cum at the player from like 100 feet away. There are only two in the game and neither one respawns.

• Royal Sentinels

Slow as fuck guys in giant armor. Lives in Anal Long Dong. Easy to dodge.

• Other Enemies

No one really feels like reading through a whole list of stupid shit so we'll cut it short here. tl;dr they all suck

Lists

If there is one thing this game seems to have a problem with its lists. The whole game is basically just one big list of shit. The amount of weapons you get is the biggest list you'll see in your life.(Even longer than the list of niggers in the unemployment line.) Not only are there a metric ass ton of weapons already in the game, you can have more than one of the same weapon and the weapons you have multiple of don't make a neat stack no they just add on to the already huge ass list. (And strangely enough other non-weapon items such as humanity or cracked red eye orbs do make neat little stacks.) The game isn't the only thing suffering from this list disease. The whole community (even this article) suffers from this strange disease. I mean just open any article on the wikidot wiki and just look. It's just a list of fuck.

Gallery

Art About missing Pics

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  Card crusher Dark Souls style.
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  Obviously.
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[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

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  Note the ponyfaggotry in this picture.
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  What DS would like as a manga
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  Funfact: He actually laughs during the boss battle.
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  This image would make even the most hardcore players scream.
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  How you are greeted when your stupid ass goes to the Catacombs at the very start of the game
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  Elemental weapons aren't overpowered guys! We swear!!!1!
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  This guy is the most badass character in existence.
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  What to do when arriving at the Tomb of the Giants

See Also

• Link to the best build in the game
• Demon's Souls
• The place you'll be spending the most time at other than actually playing the game.
• The other place where fags will spend their time at.

Dark Souls is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.