Battlefield 1

Battlefield 1, also known as Verdun 2: Electric Boogaloo and I Killed Call of Duty, and also Battlefield Won is another entry in EA's equally cancerous CoD rivaling Battlefield franchise, unique because it is one of the first major FPS games to take place in World War I. Battlefield 1 gained massive fame after it singlehandedly caused a mass exodus of CoD fanboys to Battlefield after Infinity Ward unveiled the next Star Wars movie known as Infinite Warfare. One can assume it will just be Battlefield 4 with swords, horses, and more trenches.

White Guilt cover art

Strangely enough (to non SJWs/revisionists) the developers went with a dindu nuffin for their box art and in game main screen. Considering WWI was a European war with over 95% of the participants and casualties being white males(Turks don't count as human), it seems like a complete slap in the face to the millions of war dead. As if getting gassed, machine gunned, bayoneted and pwned by high explosives on a daily basis for four years wasn't bad enough.

The Beta

Battlefield 1's open beta test dropped last Thursday and in typical EA fashion, the servers couldn't handle the swarms of the former CoD fanboys flocking to the game. The servers were basically broken for over an entire day and the few Conquest games that were live had queues of over 50 fucking people. By the time the issues cleared up you were greeted to endless Conquest and Rush games on the Sinai Desert map while playing as either Turkish Sandniggers or Britbongs. The reality of the Beta was that guns are horrendously unbalanced; you can be using a fucking Lewis Gun and a guy with 50% health can shit all over you with his M1911 like it was nothing. Tanks are insanely overpowered, particularly the fucking Renault FT-17 light tank which can kill infantry and light vehicles in one shot or run circles around heavy tanks and blow those shit up too. If the thing gets damaged you can just drive away and self repair it safely inside the fucking tank. Bayonet charges are impossible to counter; the only way to stop one is by some fucking miracle to be facing the guy charging you and unload your entire mag into him, however the guy runs like he's a fucking Kenyan so good luck hitting him. On top of that the menus are completely broken and navigating them takes like five minutes. Easiest way to succeed in the Beta is to just get a light tank. Watch your K/D ratio skyrocket as you go 40 to nothing every fucking game.

The campaign

The gameplay elements are an insult, they're all about shoving fast-moving things and submachine guns in your face. It's a modern game given a WW1 coat of paint. (An oversaturated blue/orange coat of paint).

In terms of story, it's even more ridiculous.

There's five characters:

1. Tank driver who operates a Mk1 like it's a cruiser tank, driving behind enemy lines and destroying approximately a quarter of the German army's entire tank production in his campaign mission.

2. A dumb American imposter who operates a biplane in the Alps, leads a WW2-style bunker-buster bombing run on a fort, crash-lands, is suddenly in the trenches behind German lines, climbs back to British lines with an injured man on his back, then is brought back to London where he hijacks another plane when a fleet of German zeppelins and biplane bombers attack Westminster. He even walks on top of the fucking Zeppelin while it is blowing up, and survives a fall to the water. Then there's a "but did this really happen" bullshit after that by the smarmy American cunt (voiced by a hipster, not an accurate Review-brah style accent).

3. Next there was an Italian arditi who was the most developed character but who had absurd gameplay, since the plate armour they had him wear made him function gameplay-wise like some kind of space marine. Then he single-handedly mans an exposed AA-gun against 20 Austrian biplanes and is only defeated when the Austrian planes shoot rockets at the mountain and cause it to collapse. (???)

4. Then there is Australian Big Boss, who wears a cape and is treated like some kind of supersoldier. His exploits aren't particularly out of the ordinary, except for the fact that he single-handedly captures a Turkish fort and is killed by the mainland Brits, who are portrayed as incompetent cowards who retreated while sending their men to attack with no support right into the area they were all of a sudden bombarding with battleships. Very forgettable.

5. Finally, there is that weird pale Arab woman who goes unveiled and leads soldiers alongside Lawrence of Arabia, apparently. She also has some weird pagan-looking facepaint on, for double haram points. The Turks are downright sympathetic in the face of the Arabs (kind of historically accurate). The main Turkish antagonist did nothing wrong, gives a Metal Gear-esque speech about technology's progress being inevitable, since there was an armoured train headed to attack the Arabs (they were giving off lots of Dune vibes, though it's doubtful the Swedish lefties have read that). Naturally, she destroys the train single-handedly with a row of field guns which are pre-deployed in a row for somehow.

The black guy on the cover was in the game for all of five minutes. He literally dies in a split-second in the prologue, and all he does is give a monologue at the beginning and the end. Kind of meta-cuckoldry. Kangz and cucks who wanted a statue of the "average doughboy" only ended up getting a statue of a useless nigger.

His speech, and the "title cards" between each "episode" are full of maudlin, left-wing bullshit that pretends to "honour" the real people whose memory their shambolic game dishonours.

Suggestions for New Classes

Trenchrat - The medic class, although you may find that all they can do is give you a shot of penicillin and euthanize you. Weapons include Stale Bread, Porno Magazine, and Cyanide.

Mounted - This assault class isn't gonna let a little innovation in weaponry stop them from charging at their enemies on a domesticated animal. Weapons include Horse, Sword, Signed Copy of Last Will and Testament.

Raider - Nobody's invented night-vision goggles or the Geneva Convention, so try not to trip over a landmine as you move to slit your sleeping enemy's throat. Weapons include Machete, Bayonet, and Brass Knuckles for when you gotta go old school.

Survivor - Weapons speak for themselves; includes Machine Gun, Sniper Rifle, Mustard Gas, and Gas Mask.

Suggestions for New Modes

Team Genocide - One team is unarmed, the other team is given infinite ammo resupply.

Imperialism - Same as Conquest except both teams are in Africa.

Village Raid - One team is trying to pillage,rape, and burn a village. The other team is playing as wimminz,trying to avoid teh raep.

Armenian Genocide - Speaks for itself, view goes to top down mode a la "Smash TV", prizes inc kebabs and Turkish delight

Related Articles

• Battlefield 3 - Expect vast similarities.
• Jonathan McIntosh - Went #FullMcIntosh over this game.

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