Battlefield 1

Battlefield 1, also known as Verdun 2: Electric Boogaloo and I Killed Call of Duty, and also Battlefield Won is another entry in EA's equally cancerous CoD rivaling Battlefield franchise, unique because it is one of the first major FPS games to take place in World War I. Battlefield 1 gained massive fame after it singlehandedly caused a mass exodus of CoD fanboys to Battlefield after Infinity Ward unveiled the next Star Wars movie known as Infinite Warfare. One can assume it will just be Battlefield 4 with swords, horses, and more trenches.

White Guilt cover art

Strangely enough (to non SJWs/revisionists) the developers went with a dindu nuffin for their box art and in game main screen. Considering WWI was a European war with over 95% of the participants and casualties being white males(Turks don't count as human), it seems like a complete slap in the face to the millions of war dead. As if getting gassed, machine gunned, bayoneted and pwned by high explosives on a daily basis for four years wasn't bad enough.

The Beta

Battlefield 1's open beta test dropped last Thursday and in typical EA fashion, the servers couldn't handle the swarms of the former CoD fanboys flocking to the game. The servers were basically broken for over an entire day and the few Conquest games that were live had queues of over 50 fucking people. By the time the issues cleared up you were greeted to endless Conquest and Rush games on the Sinai Desert map while playing as either Turkish Sandniggers or Britbongs. The reality of the Beta was that guns are horrendously unbalanced; you can be using a fucking Lewis Gun and a guy with 50% health can shit all over you with his M1911 like it was nothing. Tanks are insanely overpowered, particularly the fucking Renault FT-17 light tank which can kill infantry and light vehicles in one shot or run circles around heavy tanks and blow those shit up too. If the thing gets damaged you can just drive away and self repair it safely inside the fucking tank. Bayonet charges are impossible to counter; the only way to stop one is by some fucking miracle to be facing the guy charging you and unload your entire mag into him, however the guy runs like he's a fucking Kenyan so good luck hitting him. On top of that the menus are completely broken and navigating them takes like five minutes. Easiest way to succeed in the Beta is to just get a light tank. Watch your K/D ratio skyrocket as you go 40 to nothing every fucking game.

Campaign

The gameplay elements are an insult, they're all about shoving fast-moving things and submachine guns in your face. It's a modern game given a WW1 coat of paint. (An oversaturated blue/orange coat of paint).

In terms of story, it's even more ridiculous.

There's five characters:

1. Tank driver who operates a Mk1 like it's a cruiser tank, driving behind enemy lines and destroying approximately a quarter of the German army's entire tank production in his campaign mission.

2. A dumb American imposter who operates a biplane in the Alps, leads a WW2-style bunker-buster bombing run on a fort, crash-lands, is suddenly in the trenches behind German lines, climbs back to British lines with an injured man on his back, then is brought back to London where he hijacks another plane when a fleet of German zeppelins and biplane bombers attack Westminster. He even walks on top of the fucking Zeppelin while it is blowing up, and survives a fall to the water. Then there's a "but did this really happen" bullshit after that by the smarmy American cunt (voiced by a hipster, not an accurate Review-brah style accent).

3. Next there was an Italian arditi who was the most developed character but who had absurd gameplay, since the plate armour they had him wear made him function gameplay-wise like some kind of space marine. Then he single-handedly mans an exposed AA-gun against 20 Austrian biplanes and is only defeated when the Austrian planes shoot rockets at the mountain and cause it to collapse. (???)

4. Then there is Australian Big Boss, who wears a cape and is treated like some kind of supersoldier. His exploits aren't particularly out of the ordinary, except for the fact that he single-handedly captures a Turkish fort and is killed by the mainland Brits, who are portrayed as incompetent cowards who retreated while sending their men to attack with no support right into the area they were all of a sudden bombarding with battleships. Very forgettable.

5. Finally, there is that weird pale Arab woman who goes unveiled and leads soldiers alongside Lawrence of Arabia, apparently. She also has some weird pagan-looking facepaint on, for double haram points. The Turks are downright sympathetic in the face of the Arabs (kind of historically accurate). The main Turkish antagonist did nothing wrong, gives a Metal Gear-esque speech about technology's progress being inevitable, since there was an armoured train headed to attack the Arabs (they were giving off lots of Dune vibes, though it's doubtful the Swedish lefties have read that). Naturally, she destroys the train single-handedly with a row of field guns which are pre-deployed in a row for somehow.

The black guy on the cover was in the game for all of five minutes. He literally dies in a split-second in the prologue, and all he does is give a monologue at the beginning and the end. Kind of meta-cuckoldry. Kangz and cucks who wanted a statue of the "average doughboy" only ended up getting a statue of a useless nigger.

His speech, and the "title cards" between each "episode" are full of maudlin, left-wing bullshit that pretends to "honour" the real people whose memory their shambolic game dishonours.

A campaign spanning a whole whopping 6 hours

Multiplayer

Weapons

Assault

Submachine Guns

• MP-18: Pretty much the only fucking gun anyone needs to use. Kicks ass in all situations.
• Hellriegel 1915: The SMG tryhards who hit Assault Level 10 use because it carries a absolute fuck ton of ammo.
• Automatico M1918: Italian SMG that fires fast as fuck and tears faggots a new asshole at close range.
• SMG 08-18: Basically a light machine gun for Assault players. I don't get it.
• Ribeyrolles 1918: Rivals the MP-18 in terms of ass kicking capability except it comes with a bipod.

Shotguns

• 12G Automatic: Semi-auto Browning shotgun used for spamming the fuck out of close quarters.
• M97 Trench Gun: Pump action but can be slam fired in a retardedly fast manner. Fuck this gun.
• Model-10A: Basic tier, pump action shotgun. Nothing special. Fucks shit up in close quarters.
• Sjogren Inertial: A slightly better, uglier alternative to the weak ass 12G Automatic.
• Model 1900: Double barrel shotgun that can use slugs or buckshot. It rocks but you will die reloading.

Sidearms

• Gasser M1870: High damage, slow as fuck reloading revolver. Use it if you want to fucking die.
• 1903 Hammerless: Pistol with a high ass fire rate cap that can be spammed to fucking oblivion.
• Howdah Pistol: A four barreled piece of shit that looks like it was made in prison.

Medic

Self Loading Rifles

• Cei-Rigotti: Literally a piece of shit. Only use it if you have to.
• M1907 SL: Semi-auto with big detachable magazine. Overpowered as fuck spammer.
• Autoloading 8: Can fire fast as fuck but it only has 5 rounds so fuck all.
• Mondragon: Spic rifle tuned for long range shit. Used by everyone and their fucking mother.
• Selbstlader 1906: German rifle that literally nobody fucking uses.
• Selbstlader 1916: Fires slow as fuck but can kill in as few as two shots. This gun is made of hax.
• Federov Avtomat: The only true assault rifle in the game. Pretty nice.
• RSC 1917: It's French and it sucks. That's all you need to know.
• General Liu: Chinese rifle. Why? I don't know.

Sidearms

• Auto Revolver: Similar to the piece of shit Gasser but does less damage and reloads faster.
• Taschenpistole M1914: Literally identical to the 1903 Hammerless in that it does jack shit for damage yet shoots fast as fuck.
• C96: The famous broomhandle Mauser. Nothing really to get triggered about.

Support

Light Machine Guns

• Lewis Gun: Fuck ton of ammo spammer weapon but it can overheat so fuck all. Rapes at close range.
• M1909 Benet-Mercie: French LMG made purely to piss people off at range.
• MG-15 NA: Low damage spamming weapon that also overheats. Use the Lewis Gun instead of this fucking thing.
• Madsen MG: Takes up half your fucking screen. That's enough to avoid this shit.
• BAR M1918: Low ammo capacity but high mobility and it basically fucking instakills.
• Huot Automatic: A full auto converted bolt action made by some Canadian fuck. Nobody uses this shit.
• Chauchat: Slow as fuck but very powerful. You will probably miss and run out of ammo.
• Perino Model 1908: Incredibly overpowered water cooled machine gun that can multi-kill from across the map. This thing is fucking massive.
• Parabellum MG-14: Basically take the Perino and increase the rate of fire and recoil. It's still massively overpowered. Notorious for requiring you to shoot down two planes to unlock.

Sidearms

• Bulldog Revolver: Pretty much the same as the Gasser. Don't even fucking bother.
• Modello 1915: Literally identical to the 1903 Hammerless again.
• Repetierpistole M1912 : Weird ass pistol that loads from a stripper clip and can kill at notable ranges.

Scout

Rifles

• Gewher 98: Pretty basic ass sniper rifle. It gets shit done.
• Gewher M95: Smaller brother of the 98. Straight pull allows it to cycle fast as shit to compensate for it's lower damage.
• Martini Henry: High damage, black powder rifle that's breach loading only. Nobody uses it.
• M1903: Another basic sniper rifle with the exception that it has a semi-auto model that does fuck all damage and shoots fast as fuck.
• Russian 1895: Lever action rifle that fires absurdly fast but the clip is fucking tiny. Remember to empty the clip before you reload.
• SMLE MKIII: High powered bolt action rifle that is used by fucking everybody. Almost guaranteed some tryhard in your game is going 50 and 8 with this thing.
• Lebel Model 1886: French and nobody uses it.
• Verterli-Vitalli M1870: See the Lebel Model 1886 but replace French with Italian.
• Mosin-Nagant: Watch gun nuts cream themselves over the inclusion of this.

Sidearms

• Bodeo 1889: Pretty much the same as the Bulldog but with a shorter reload.
• Frommer Stop: Low ass magazine capacity with high rate of fire. Don't even bother.
• Mars Automatic : This gun is fucking cancer. Basically the Desert Eagle of this game and it drops fuckers dead in two to three shots.

Tankers & Pilots

Pistol Carbines

• C96 Carbine: Piece of shit.
• Frommer Stop Auto: God-tier pistol.
• M1911 Extended: Piece of shit.
• Pieper M1893: Piece of shit.
• P08 Artillerie: Piece of shit.

Shotguns

• Sawed Off Shotgun: Piece of shit.

All Kits.

Sidearms

• M1911: What would World War 1 be without this legendary piece of Amercunt gun porn?
• P06: Less damage than the M1911 but fires slightly faster. Points earned because Luger.
• C93: First semi-auto pistol ever made. Looks like it has fucking cancer growing on the back.
• Mle 1903: High rate of fire, low damage. No real reason to use this.
• No. 3 Revolver: High damage but slow as fuck like almost every other revolver in the game.
• Kolibri: The most lulz worthy gun in the whole game. Absolutely massive for a pistol and it does an absolute fuckton of damage. Piss people off with this shit.
• Nagant Revolver: Who cares.
• Obrez Pistol: Sawed off Mosin-Nagant. That says enough, this thing is nuts.

Elite Kits

• Wex: It's a fucking flamethrower. Need we say more?
• Tankgewher M1918: Powerful as fuck anti-tank rifle. Can only be fired lying down.
• Villar Perosa: Double barreled aircraft SMG that fires ungodly fast and shreds targets in seconds. Fuck this gun.
• MG-08/15: Heavy machine gun that completely fucks up infantry. More controllable than the Villar Perosa but much heavier.
• Raider: Melee weapons and prayers. Literally all this guy has.

Vehicles

Ground

• FT-17 Light Tank: Bar none, the most overpowered vehicle in the game. Can withstand attacks from vehicles twice it's size and blow them the fuck up with ease thanks to it's maneuverability.
• A7V Heavy Tank: Basically a bunker on treads. Fill it up with people and go camp an objective. Watch the points fly.
• Mark V Landship: Basically useless without passengers. With skilled people on the guns, it can massively fuck shit up but most Battlefield players are incompetent idiots so the Mark V is pretty much useless.
• St. Chamond: Basically a rehash of the A7V. Slightly less massive of a target.
• Assault Truck: Come with a cannon and makes absolutely no sense but can carry an ass load of gunners.
• Artillery Truck: Probably the most underrated vehicle in the game. Quick as hell once it gets up to speed, the MG can shred infantry and aircraft, plus the transition to the main gun is stupid quick. The gun can fuck almost anything up from across the map.
• Armored Car: Exactly what it says it is. Enough gun ports to wipe out an enemy spawn.
• Scout: Lightly armored jeep like vehicles at are only good for hit and run type shit.
• Motorcycle: Comes with a sidecar so you and some other poor bastard can get BTFO by a passing Light Tank.

Aircraft

• Bomber: Slow as fuck and most people suck ass at defending it from attackers but it can get multi-kills if used right.
• Attack Plane: Bridges the gap between the fighter and bomber. Best of both, also the worst of both.
• Fighter: Fast as fuck and it can shred enemy aircraft with it's machine gun before blasting off into the horizon to self repair it's weak ass armor.
• Heavy Bomber: Makes the regular Bomber look like an F22 Raptor in terms of maneuverability. Massive fucking payload though.

Naval

• Torpedo Boat: Only good for taking out the Dreadnought by spamming torpedoes. Nothing else about it.

Behemoths

• Airship L30: Big ass zeppelin loaded with bombs and a million fucking guns. Can get holes the size of your mothers pussy ripped into it and it still stays afloat.
• Dreadnought: Battleship that's practically unkillable unless you Jihadi strike it with planes or use the Torpedo Boat. Can get multi-kills easily with it's main guns.
• Armored Train: Loaded with a fuck load of cannons and shit. Choo choo motherfuckers.
• Char 2C: Massive, and I seriously mean massive fucking tank that unfortunately seems to get stuck in every little trench you try to cross.

Emplacements

• Field Gun: Powerful as fuck but so slow that your target will simply just go behind you and blow you up.
• Heavy MG: By campers. For campers.
• Anti- Air Gun: Use these to fuck with helpless Bomber pilots.
• Fortress Gun: Giant ass double barreled naval cannons that deal absurd amounts of damage but someone will just throw gas in the bunker and fuck everything up.
• Siege Gun: Basically a giant ass mortar. Lulz worthy.
• Coastal Gun: Similar to above. Just as capable of multi kills.

Other

• Horse: You get a lever action and a sword. Use the sword and rape the shit out of helpless infantry. You also have boosted health if you spawn on a horse which is fucking cheap.

Suggestions for New Classes

Trenchrat - The medic class, although you may find that all they can do is give you a shot of penicillin and euthanize you. Weapons include Stale Bread, Porno Magazine, and Cyanide.

Mounted - This assault class isn't gonna let a little innovation in weaponry stop them from charging at their enemies on a domesticated animal. Weapons include Horse, Sword, Signed Copy of Last Will and Testament. It made it into the game, and it's annoying as shit.

Raider - Nobody's invented night-vision goggles or the Geneva Convention, so try not to trip over a landmine as you move to slit your sleeping enemy's throat. Weapons include Machete, Bayonet, and Brass Knuckles for when you gotta go old school. How the fuck did you assholes get this one right too?

Survivor - Weapons speak for themselves; includes Machine Gun, Sniper Rifle, Mustard Gas, and Gas Mask.

Suggestions for New Modes

Team Genocide - One team is unarmed, the other team is given infinite ammo resupply.

Imperialism - Same as Conquest except both teams are in Africa.

Village Raid - One team is trying to pillage,rape, and burn a village. The other team is playing as wimminz,trying to avoid teh raep.

Armenian Genocide - Speaks for itself, view goes to top down mode a la "Smash TV", prizes inc kebabs and Turkish delight

Related Articles

• Battlefield 3 - Expect vast similarities.
• Jonathan McIntosh - Went #FullMcIntosh over this game.

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