IPad

Warning! WANTING AN iPAD WILL CAUSE YOU TO SELL YOUR KIDNEY ON THE BLACK MARKET. SRSLY.

	“	It's the in-between between a laptop and a computer.	„
	—Some clueless douche, Completely misunderstanding the differences between tablets, notebooks, and PCs, as a proper Apple user should.

In what can only be described as the "Crystal Pepsi" of technology, the iPad (also known as the maxiPad, AssPad, or Big Ol' i-Pod Touch) is Apple's latest creation, designed so that neckbearded, trust funded art history majors can pay twice as much money for a product with half as many features as a competing product. In what is Steve Jobs' latest attempt to give you AIDS and to appear relevant in the new decade, the iPad gives you the option of using your own WiFi, or having AT&T come and rape you. Like the iPhone, it is just as gay, just as fragile, and just as white. The iPad does not support tethering. Think of it as a giant vegetable (iPad) comparing areola size to an amputated incestuous retard cousin (iPod).

Steve Jobs presents the iPad.

Clearly, there is a lack of originality in name choice. Sources say that the Creative Team spent around fifty minutes trying random combinations of letters after the letter "i", before some bright spark realized that they could easily replace the "o" in iPod. As a result of this, Apple has trademarked the iPed and iPud.

Origins

In June 2009, Michael Arrington, a douchebag masquerading as a lawyer masquerading as a tech blogger, launched a prototype called the Crunchpad. But he made one fatal mistake; he posted pics and specs to his blog. Jews IM'd his Singapore based hardware contractor, Chandra Rathakrishnan of Fusion Garage, to sabotage the project. They then had Rathakrishnan relaunch the Crunchpad on his own as the "JewJew," SRSLY!. They then betrayed him by leaking the specs to the superjews at Apple, who launched the iPad (iPad hardware is a clone of the JewJew/Crunchpad). Arrington is currently suing Rathakrishnan while Rathakrishnan is trying to get production started by having you chip in by "preordering." He accepts both your VISA and Mastercard.

Also known as Tablet/UMPC

Believe it or not, the iPad is merely a poor knockoff of Microsoft's Tablet/UMPC platform. This is saying something, because Microsoft Tablets are pure liquid shit. Like everything else that runs Windows, tablets run hot, have about six minutes of battery life (because Microsoft can't use anything other than Intel chips) and are manufactured by a bunch of Taiwanese corner-cutting Jews with drivers written by 12-year-old script kiddies. Or trained monkeys, no one's really sure.

Rather than improve on the platform, Apple removed the QWERTY keyboard, USB ports, webcam, HDMI/VGA output, GPS, actual software supported multitasking, and 100GB+ of storage, and still managed to charge more than everyone else. Typical Win7 for netbooks is rumored to restrict to 3 apps, and it still thrashes the hard drive like an epileptic hummingbird on crack. The iPad restricts you to one app approved and signed by the lord and master's root certificate. This, of course, is absolutely revolutionary and a stroke of genius on Apple's part.

iTampon

Just like regular pads, the iPad comes in three different sizes, depending on how heavy your flow is.

Yes, the name is terrible. Everyone has made the already incredibly played out joke that women bleed into pads. You are neither funny nor original.

Note that this video is five years old. Someone made your joke an old meme while Dubya was still in office.

Another relevant parody created years before the iPad was released.

DATA PLAN!

Coming soon to an Apple store near you!

Utterly blatant

The latest way Apple and AT&T have combined forces to rape you is to provide you with a Data Plan, forcing you to pay $14.99/month for 250 MB and $29.99/month for 2GB tubes privileges, should you not be part of the 21st century or own a WiFi router. Essentially, you'll be using AT&T's 3G network without the ability to make phone calls.

Public Response

But can you get the stone in a staggering three varieties?

What was supposed to be a joyful day of circle jerking ending prematurely, as the Apple Fanboys did not like the iPad. It may have been because they realized their assholes were not big enough to shove it up their asses or they realized that they don't have a vagina.

Upon hearing the news of Apple's new extra large iPhone, Apple shareholders collectively shit themselves.

Despite this, Steve Jobs told everyone that on April 3, 2010, that if they didn't show up and received the rape the Macfags so eagerly were asking for, he would send an Apple Expert bottom bitch to their house to skullfuck them in the eye sockets until their ears ejaculated brains.

The MacFags understood that it was wrong to disobey the master pimp, and sure enough many of them camped out near their local Apple Store to pay the bottom bitch their money to give to the master pimp in exchange for their iPad.

Apple Responds

Featuring Betty White.

See also: Unwarranted Self Importance

You liar! Of course you can!

Things the iPad can't do

Much like Apple's other failures (iPhone, iPod, iMac), the iPad has features.

• It can't run two programs at once.
• It can't be used to type documents, as there is no keyboard.
• It can't play 99% of internet videos or animated graphics because Apple still won't allow Flash (this, however, doesn't stop them from false advertising).
• It can't be used in any sunlight and the slightest bit that touches the screen will permanently ruin it (so much for being the "Kindle killer").
• It doesn't support stylus input, so it is of no use to the Photoshop artfags who will inevitably buy it. Screw that, it can't even run Photoshop!
• It doesn't support SD expandable memory, so you're stuck with it's 16GB storage unless you want to get reamed an extra $100/200 for the 32 or 64GB models.
• It can't be used for presentations because there's no HDMI/VGA.
• It can't be used to plug in any of your USB devices like your USB vibrating dildo.
• It won't support Picasa and it probably won't support any other Google products because the Macfags are trying to start shit with Google.
• It can't right click.
• You can't change out the battery.
• It can't touch water, milk, blood, sweet, tears, piss, shit, cum, or any cleaning product like alcohol, ammonia, or soap.
• It can't be tethered to your iPhone. So hang yourself with the cable.
• It won't alleviate that PWNed feeling you'll have when its replacement comes out in four months. Or when a better Droid clone comes out in six. Or when you realize that most laptops do more for less money right now.
• It won't let you share content.
• It won't feed a family in Haiti.
• It won't stop AT&T from raping you each month.
• It won't pay for the coffee at Starbucks you'll buy attempting to avoid AT&T rape by using their free WiFi.
• It won't prevent laptop users from rolling their eyes and snickering when you whip this lame toy out in front of them.
• It doesn't support voice recording.
• It won't cure Steve Jobs' AIDS.
• You can't take it to Israel.[1] But why the hell would you do that...you damn dirty Jew!
• It can't have any extra functionality, despite being Over 9000 times as big as an i-Pod Touch
• You can't fuck it. (that's what you wanted to do with it, right?).
• It won't get you laid.
• It won't pick up chicks.
• It won't turn on
• It won't stop mac butthurt
• It won't be cool

Who will actually buy/use this crap

A nigger using the iPad

• Macfags
• Steve Jobs
• Everyone who works at a Technology magazine, though not by their own volition; it's just part of their job... for about two weeks.
• Your Mom
• Black People
• Jews except for Cory Doctorow[2] and anyone in Israel.
• Hitler
• Stephen Colbert[3][4]
• Alex Jones
• Chris-chan

Who will enthusiastically recommend this crap

• Tech reviewers employed by desperate old media venues who have a vested interest in its success because they have an agreement with Apple to flog "special editions".[5]

Buy an iPad, Lose a finger

Apparently, some guy lost his finger after buying an iPad and it was stolen by some black nigger. The bag was around his pinky finger, the nigger took the bag, Ending up pulling off the victims finger.

Goatse Security Breach

On June 9, 2010, AT&T admitted to a Gawker report that they accidentally 114,000 iPads including some owned by some major dignitaries and A-List people when a group called Goaste Security gained access to their email accounts. AT&T tried to downplay the severity of the problem.

What to do if you have an iPad

• Show it off.
• Post it on 4chan and troll /g/
• Take out a mortgage to purchase text-RPG and fart apps, because that's what comes out first.
• Smudge the screen up with your greasy cum fingers.
• Enjoy gay hardcore CP with screaming sloshy slurping noises.
• Cry yourself to sleep in Apple Debt.
• Get it stolen by a nigger and become the new an hero to impress your /iFriends.
• Take it to Israel and have it confiscated.
• Break it and buy another, you fucktard.
• Kill yourself...seriously.

Memory Alpha drama

The image that caused most of the Memory Alpha sysops to an hero over their fantasy being destroyed.

Ever since the iPhone came out in 2007, people would occasionally go to the Memory Alpha (Star Trek) wiki and mention that the "PADD" fictional device from Star Trek is similar to an iPhone. For unknown reasons, this shattered the fantasy lives of the basement dwellers who ran the site. Unable to cope with this reality, they reverted all mention of it on site. After a digg article appeared, it led them to simply permanently remove any contributions related to it, falsely labeling them all as vandalism. Here is a link to the talk page logs alone, with them all deleted. This led to real vandalism from Digg users. Three years later, in 2010, when the iPad was released, many of these admins committed suicide, so no one remained alive to censor the article and mention crept in.

Apple pays $220, You pay $500

The materials to create the iPad will only cost $220 [6], giving the iPad a profit margin of over 50%. Although $500 is in fact more than 100% greater than $220, you the consumer will still get butt hurt. However like mobile phones and other gadgets 99.99999% of the cost of the product is paying for endorsements. This fits well with their motto, "Think Different," as the industry standard for profit margins after material prices is 15-20%.

Analysts suggest that this will leave room for price reductions, which Apple will no doubt do six months after the iPad's release with the iPad Mini, a version of the iPad with half the features costing Apple $80 per iPad that they will sell for the more affordable price of $399!

Gallery

• 
  "The Lord Jehovah has blessed me with this tablet and the one commandment: BUY MY SHIT!"
• 
  A prototype iPad: It's all been done before.
• 
  The real IPAD was released in 2002.
• 
  Always stick with the winning team.
• File:Ipad shop win.jpg
• Proof that everyone hates the iPad
  Proof that everyone hates the iPad
• The most horrifying thing
  The most horrifying thing
• 
  Plagiarism
• Tough choice
  Tough choice
• Tougher choice
  Tougher choice
• 
  The Winner
• 
  sage

See also

• Apple
• AT&T
• Fail
• iPhone
• iPod
• MacRumors
• D8

External links

• iPad official case for sale and guess what it looks like.

IPad is part of a series on Softwarez Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage.