Daniel Petric

You're a long way from 8 Mile, kid.

Daniel Petric is a dirty, zit-faced 16-year-old Serbian from Ohio who, in October 2007, decided to Pwn his parents for taking Halo 3 away from him because he was addicted to it. The case came to light in January 2009, when the judge finally rejected his defense of insanity and left him and his asshole open for the maximum penalty.

	“	Close your eyes, I have a surprise for you.	„
	—Daniel Petric, before shooting his parents in their respective heads (srsly).

Soon after he double-headshotted his mom and placed his dad in critical condition, Petric's relatives arrived to watch a football game together. Daniel, displaying the brilliant cunning of Xbox Live players everywhere, tried to dissuade them by calling out to them, "You shouldn't come in - mom and dad had an argument!" He would have gotten away for it too, if it wasn't for his meddling, gurgling dad who survived a point-blank gunshot to the head (LOLWUT overshield?). The family members promptly called 911 after hearing daddy's moans for help. His dad survived, which meant that Daniel failed to unlock the achievement for a double-kill.

	“	I firmly believe that Daniel Petric had no idea at the time he hatched this plot that if he killed his parents they would be dead forever.	„
	—Lorain County Common Pleas Judge

Following this, Daniel made good his escape in the family van. When the police caught him, the only thing he had with him was his copy of Halo 3 and a bottle of lube. Needless to say, he got into one little fight, and if his mom didn't get dead, she would have sent him to live with his Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air.

On June 16th, 2009, Petric was sentenced to 23 years of having his asshole reshaped.

Daniel's Lawyer Discusses His Bright Young Client

	“	He's -- he's a nice, real nice young man	„
	—Daniel's Jew, describing his client's impeccable character

Daniel Petric and You

Advice Dog Explains

You may have classified Daniel as a sick fuck at this point, and you are probably right. But let's not forget that Daniel Petric simply represents your dark side. You must remember the 5th of November (or rather, sometime in October) and consider how it applies to yourself. You are no doubt a basement dweller, and you shouldn't be judged for it. However, the next time your parents tell you to shut off Gaia Online and go do something with your life, think of Daniel. The next time they try to force their own form of Halo rehab on you, think of Daniel. Don't shoot your parents in the head. Save your parents, shoot yourself. Besides, it was all just a video game in his head, Wait, no respawn?

	“	Unlike adults who kill their parents, teenagers become parricide offenders when conditions in the home are intolerable but their alternatives are limited.	„
	—Psychology Today, on how not being able to play Halo 3 causes intolerable conditions in the home

How To Avoid A Similar Fate

	“	Daniel...please, put down the Halo 3...	„
	—Daniel's Mother, totally asking for it

MASTER CHIEF SAID SO

Obviously, nobody wants to be shot in the head; it's something that very few of us strive for. So here's a list of ways to keep yourself safe from a fate similar to that of Daniel's parents:

• Buy a dog
• Install an alarm
• Ascend the stairs from the basement and discover the outside world
• Never come between a boy and his Halo 3
• Try to avoid things like The Matrix, Camp Rock, Star Wars and Twilight
• Encourage your mistake to play Battletoads instead
• Spend some time with your miscreant offspring, you aimless NORP
• Beat the little shitheads once in a while

See Also

• Halo
• An Halo
• An Wiiro
• 13 year-old boy
• Xbox

External Links

• Daniel Petric killed mother, shot father because they took Halo 3 video game, prosecutors say
• Wellington teen Daniel Petric convicted of aggravated murder in mother's death (LOL, Pwnt)