Moonie

Enjoy your new life with a total stranger.

Moonies, also known as Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church, are a cult that got famous for having mass weddings. Most members of the cult reside in Japan, Korea, or the U.S. While the Unification Church is legally a religion, it is in reality a number of businesses owned by the Moonie Family.

History

The Face of True Love.

This Asian dude claims to be, in reality, the second coming of JESUS CHRIST. (ASIAN JESUS!! imagine that...) And he therefore was able to convince thousands of people that he knew their soul mates. He gathered these people in a stadium and he chose their mates. Quite literally, he went "You and you, ya'll are gonna get married. Okay, now you two," and so on. The spiritual basis of this selection process is questionable though, on account of Moon sometimes leaving the matching up to his high-ranking cronies.

Heil Moon!

What most people don't know is that while the church was in its (only) rapid growing period, when pretty much all the members joined, Moon had his minions slave away on the streets selling overpriced trinkets and working low-wage (or no-wage) jobs in his businesses. How did he get them to do this? Well, just proclaim a certain number of years as a separation from your spouse "condition"! A "condition" in the Moonie church is something pointless that you do, often like giving your money to the church, which is somehow supposed to make your life better. Not that he didn't already have a condition to slave away a certain number of years before you could even get married.

After slaving away in Father Moon's business for years, most eventually lost their low paying jobs on account of the major fuck up every single business in the Unification Church is; and after all this time any career they had previously been in was no longer relevant do to the long period of absence from any time of real work. One example of fine business fail is the Washington Times, which as of 2003 had lost approximately 1 billion dollars. Another fine example of the church's business fuck up is the movie Inchon, which lost 44.1 million dollars! So how does the church keep going? Well it's simple! Just make up new massive donation requirements per family for Special Conditions! Just cough up 1000 bucks and everything will be better! Speaking of children, the poor families of Moonies are encouraged to have as many children as possible! In fact, coming from the mouth of "True Father" himself as his minions call him: "A women who uses contraceptives is like an animal". Since when do animals use contraceptives?

Businesses

Another fine business establishment of the church is STF (Special/Slave Task Force). Basically kids are encouraged to sign up after high school believing that this one year minimum ordeal will make them into a great spiritual holy person. Most just sign up so they can wear cool black T-Shirts though.

Mandatory issue Slave Task Force shirt.

So what happens in STF? A bunch of kids get into vans, drive around to urban areas, and walk around all day selling overpriced shit. After the day is over, they go back to sleep at a church center. Early mornings are mandatory (by Korean tradition allegedly) and late nights are too (by ??? tradition?). Many go on for 2 years, or some even 3 years. When asked by a junior Moonie what they eat and stuff, an ex-STF agent replied, "We're self supporting", meaning they pay for their own meals and stuff (bringing to mind John Smith's phrase: "He who does not work, does not eat!"). Due to the non-existent salary of STF members, STF is probably the only business in the Unification Church that turns a profit (besides the churches).

Another business owned and used exclusively by the church members is CheongPyeong Heaven and Earth Training Center, a mountain-top complex located about an hour and a half from Seoul, Korea. Moonies go there and pay money to sit in rows and beat the shit out of each other, which supposedly removes spirits embedded in their bodies. In the early days CheongPyeong was just a bunch of tents with no showers or bathrooms in sight (they used holes). Showers were eventually introduced however, on account of passengers on flights back to Japan and the U.S. complaining that all these people smelled like ASS. However, no showers may have been a better alternative than what is in place now: Bath Houses! For those of you who don't know what these are, they are basically big rooms with a few baths and shower heads. Oh yeah, and lots of naked people walking around.

These people even run the UPI "news organization" and the notorious Washington Times, an unworthy competitor to the Washington Post, in an attempt to legitimize their skullfuckery. Fishmongers won't use even the Times to wrap fish, as the low-quality ink gives you AIDS. The Washington Times is yet to pull a profit once in its time of existence.

Racism

Father Moon is known for his not-all-too-few racist ideologies. He constantly reminds his minions that "KOREA IS NUMBER ONE!" and encourages all members to learn Korean and eat kimchi. It is also believed that he encourages young Moonies play Starcraft at least 10 hours a day. According to Moon, Asians are "balanced" because they come from a temperate climate, Whites are "industrious" because they always had to move around to keep their asses from freezing off, and black people are "laid back" (i.e. lazy) because it's too damn hot in Africa so they just sit around all day wiping their asses with coconut leaves. Moon also still holds the ancient notion that Africans were created as a result of surprise buttsecks between Cain and a monkey. Which just proves that even a crazy person can get it right sometimes.

When he isn't talking about monkey buttsecks and coconut leaves, Moon constantly calls Americans fat and lazy and reminds them that if it weren't for Korea their entire economy would collapse as a result of loss of God's blessings. Korea is the oldest civilization on earth according to Moon. Science may not agree with him, but he's the fucking Messiah. He outranks science.

However, Moon stresses the importance of interracial marriage as the only way to rid the world of racism. A lot of the people Moon marries are from different races, but for some reason, he marries most Koreans to other Koreans.

According to Moon, the Holocaust was "Indemnity" (paying back for sins) of the Jewish people. It was how the Jews redeemed themselves for killing Jesus.

See also:

Co$ and L. Ron Hubbard, who compared to the Moonies and Moon are rank amateurs

External Links

• Official Moonie Kult Website
• Other Official Moonie Kult Website

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Moonie is part of a series on Cults

Moonie is part of a series on Obscure Religions

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