Oregon Trail

The game.

Official state food stamp card. Frequently used in Crystal meth transactions.

Push the door, I'm home at last.

If you ever set foot in an elementary school computer class between the years of 1984 and 2046, you must have played this poor excuse for a video game on your Apple computer or Commodore 64. The game told the story of a pioneering family that resorts to prostitution of Indians to make their way to Portland, OR and start up Danga.

Main Characters

• You. You can choose between a carpenter, who can fix your felt-covered Ferrari, a farmer, who will come in handy growing food in places you won't be staying for more than a day, or a banker, who will spend all his money on hookers and blow while your 401k craters. In a typical run of the game, you will come down with dysentery and die.
• Your spouse. The tramp you knocked up. In a typical run of the game, she will come down with dysentery and die.
• Three children. Their main role in the game is to die of cholera early and often. In the Oregon Trail: Hot Coffee build, however, you can sell your 16 year old daughter into sexual slavery for 10 pounds of coffee beans and a puppy.
• Oxen. They die due to too much bestiality which was quite common back in them days.

Fun With Your Trail of Oregons

Even in the olden days, niggers would steal the wheels off your vehicle.

If you're reading this, the only fun thing about Oregon Trail is remembering that you were playing a video game at school. But the video game wasn't the fun part of it.

The original, well-known version of Oregon Trail lacked any sort of filter or rollback function, allowing the children in class to give their family inappropriate names (like Fuckface, Asswipe, and Jameth), as well as mark the gravestones with inappropriate messages. Thus, years later, when new people begin playing the game, they can see the naughty messages you left for them.

Profanity is fun!

Later Editions

Since the original edition, about a million other editions have come out. Some of these feature realistic 3D graphics that really show you what those old-timey diseases were like. You can also collect wildflowers (if you're a pansy), go fishing (boring), or like the original, go hunting (and shoot yourself accidently). Unfourtunately, every new edition is harder than the one before it, so by the time you read this, it is unlikely that you can even depart your city of origin without stepping on a nail and developing gangrene.

Various Ways of Dying

• Dysentery.
• Measles.
• Dysentery
• Being a fucktard and drowning in the river.
• Dysentery
• Snake bite.
• Dysentery
• Being gay because them pioneers hate the queers.

Useful Tips

• Always ford the rivers, Caulking is for pussies and the indians will Jew you out of wheels and grandfather clocks, real men ford the fucking river ARE YOU A REAL MAN ARE YOU?!

• ALWAYS start in winter, because the cold builds character. Go at a grueling pace to get there quicker, and give the fuckers meager rations because pioneers hate fatties.
• Shortcuts=fatality.

ED's Epic Adventure

On Sunday, April 1st, 2007, Kate decided she would play a game of Oregon Trail with her party named after people in #ed. The very First party consisted of: Kate herself as the leader, Sheneequa, Blargh, A_RAPE_SPIDER, and janus zeal. Before the adventure began everyone bet on who would die first. Everyone in the channel voted janus zeal would die, Janus voted for someone else, but Noone cares about that.

Here is the drama of ED's first voyage to the Promised land on the Wagon named INTERBUS:

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External Links

• Interview with the creator of Oregon Trail
• Oregon Trail at Classic Gaming
• Play Oregon Trail 1.0 online (requires GS Firefox plugin

Oregon Trail is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.