Grand Theft Auto: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 13:57, 3 April 2015

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT Trevor kills the guys from The Lost, you spend most of the game doing missions for the FBI and then they betray you at the end of the game, Brad was dead the whole time, Franklin can choose to kill Michael, kill Trevor, or the trio can just kill everyone instead!!!1

The Grand Theft Auto or GTA games are nominated as "best gamez evar" by thousands of 13 year old boys across the world for featuring childish and juvenile innuendo, driving, shooting, killing, pools of pixellated blood and other such shite. Though first thought of at least 100 years ago, lusers who've no clue about what an amazing game is still consider these concepts to be "amazing" and "ground-breaking".

All of the games in the series are very diverse and ever-changing, but your goal is always to drive generic cars through generic checkpoints and shoot or ram generic pedestrians and other cars with the aid of cartoon violence. Some would argue that killing people in a game is lulz. Regrettably, every one of you 13 year olds has to learn that it's only lulz if you go for the IRL high score.

Unrealistically, you are able to kill/pwn thousands of people and get away with it. This pisses off the average soccer mom and politician. In the 2009 installment, Chinatown Wars, you can even make hundreds of thousands of meaningless virtual dollars by dealing in meaningless virtual drugs. GTA is SERIOUS BUSINESS, the idea being that if kids or even adults play this game they are just about certain to go on random, unprovoked killing sprees. All kinds of violent events are blamed on this game, completely ignoring all of the violence in the world before it came along.

GTA I, II & London

Introduction

The 2D GTA games were presented in birds-eye-view and originally released for the PC, then for the PlayStation and Dreamcast. They failed to generate any buzz in the world of gaming because they were totally out-of-date crap.

These 2D games are quite notorious for the worst handling of vehicles and player movement in possibly all of gaming history. Of course, to save time you're going to drive as fast as possible to get to where you need to be, avoiding obstructions and being as l33t as possible. However, even after years (God help) of 2D GTA experience, you'd still remain a gameplay n00b. Driving any faster than 5 mph would result in an inevitable crash into a building or vehicle. Reason being the vehicle under your control moving faster than the display scrolls, so you could never see where the fuck you're heading. Not only that but (the suffering continues), the terrible control system for the vehicle is not suitable for small children or the differently abled: in reverse, you have to press right to go left and left to go right once back in forward. The graphics are total crap, remnants of the time when PC games really did have the world's worst graphics, so these games will soon drive you to become an hero.

You played in GTA 1 & GTA: London as a little blob of color that moved around farting, belching, punching, shooting yellow blobs and getting into vehicles. In GTA 2, however, you were a little black blob of color with a white head, that could do the above AND jump! OMG! AMZNG!1 That's all that was different other than moar weaponriez.

Characters

The games had no original characters or memorable events. The only thing to be related to any sort of original character would be a terribly animated picture of a black person whose mouth moved a little bit that appeared when you answered his Blackberry.

Story and Gameplay

Plots were mostly absent from 1, 2 and the GTA: London expansion fad. From the start you were wondering what's meant to be done, and eventually found yourself answering one of many constantly ringing payphones. Answering a phone would result in you being given unclear instructions on a "job" you were then forced to attempt. These missions would involve killing any amount of people and blowing something up. Yes, they're that detailed. Should you succeed you were given pocket change, and left to answer another payphone.

After you've rinsed and repeated this task; you're then bored and decide you're going nowhere in life. Soon after, you'll become an hero. They aren't considered very exciting, but you at least get new areas to unlock.

Revolutionary Marketing

GTA: London was a massive con. Most people in Britain bought this game cumming over the thought of shooting people outside Buckingham Palace.

After buying the disc (only worth using as a tea coaster) and putting it into their PlayStations, n00bs cried when a message appeared on screen saying "Un-fucking-lucky! You need to buy GTA 1 and insert it first to play this!! n00b!" Some became an hero, while others actually went out and bought GTA 1 as well.

GTA II's creators also created a promo movie or some shit that involved real people making complete fools of themselves as they attempt to act. Beginning with a Bruce Campbell look-alike being chased by nigrahs, it ends with that same Bruce Campbell look-alike being assassinated by Osama bin Laden. Not worth watching. Period.

Here it is anyway.

amirite?

Gameplay Footage

(Above) GTA II's Job #1 & tutorial which pretty much says it all about how shitty this game really is. The clip fully demonstrates the game's depth and involving gameplay. Or lack of it amirite?

GRAND THEFT AUTO I, II & London = FAIL/100!