Steam: Difference between revisions

**Steam**
Developer(s)	Valve Corporation
Initial release	September 12, 2003
Available in	25 languages
Website	store.steampowered.com

← Older edit Newer edit →

Revision as of 01:11, 2 May 2015

BREAKING NEWS!!
~~You have to pay for fucking mods now!~~ OH lol, canceled.

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT You pay more for the games if you live in Europe or Ausfailia. Enjoy paying 40% more for the same game!!!1

Steam is a digital dictatorship, commonly known as an online distribution platform, used to distribute video games, related media and even non-gaming software. It's developed by Valve, a company that was founded by two former Microsoft employees, and this amazingly didn't raise any red flags.

Development

Initially the software was developed because Valve wanted a better way to update their mods, as they had done with Counter-Strike. As development continued, Valve realized it's platform could be used to constrain and control its community. This also opened the door for opportunities such as enforced product marketing and forcing unwanted downloads onto users' machines.

Before the initial release, Valve worked tirelessly to hype its gibberish to other companies, hoping some would be dimwitted enough to promote their dictatorship. Valve had little success but development continued anyways, during this time the release date was always uncertain, and working titles included "Socialism v2" and "Money Extraction Tool".

Rise of the dictatorship

To advertise their newly developed monstrosity, Valve partnered with companies such as Gamespy. Video game developer and publisher PopCap Games was lured to the platform, a company that established itself by creating ripoffs of old 2D arcade games. In a stroke of luck for Valve, the gimmick worked and thousands of shortsighted individuals where attracted to the digital dictatorship, and much like the iPhone, developers in turn followed, hoping to make a fortune. Steam is now the deciding factor in which indie games will become winners or losers.

Online requirement

Due to the rising popularity of the platform, gamers now are forced to install Steam if they wish to play certain games. Steam requires an internet connection, even if a game itself has no online options. If Valve were to ever to close its doors or suffer from an irreparably permanent accident, over 7 million users would become hysterical and rage because their precious games would no longer be downloadable or playable.

Customer support

Steam is well known for its specials and discounts, giving everyone the opportunity to waste money on games they'll play a couple times, mostly for treasure hunt achievements. Also being true to capitalism, Valve doesn't factor currency fluctuations into the price of games, meaning they cost the same in euros or dollars.

What gamers get in return for their investment is the worst customer support in gaming history, there isn't a toll-free number to call, everyone must use email. After an email is sent, depending on the alignment of the planets and stars, customer support will respond... eventually.

Market and achievements

Let us explain how the Steam Market works.

There are retards. They buy pixels with their own money.
There are non-retards. They sell pixels they got for free and thus save money on video games.
There are financial geniuses. They created a system where non-retards sell pixels to retards, and take a share from each sale.

If you are too lazy to earn the shitty achievements then you can use this tool

~~Steam Achievement Manager~~ Gets you VAC banned now. ~~Recommended that you not use this.~~ Do it faggot.

Steam hates Europe and Australia

Because nobody cares about anything but USA, Steam has decided to make Europeans and Abos pay more for the shitty games, so they can help fund The United States before its bankruptcy. They clever way they came up with this is by proposing that one USD is equal to one Euro. And for Abos, they just charge double.

Forums and chats

Like any other gaming community, Steam's user base is a bunch of sophomoric and uncultivated morons from around the world, whose only real comfort in life is landing that perfect headshot and using hacks while trading sparkly multicolored pixelated hats and accessories.

Steam's friends and chats features can generate massive amounts of lulz when used correctly, much like is possible with Cleverbot. If you can do it rite the first time then you can upload the images and as a b-b-bonus, you will make the children rage. Is there a downside?

Dear Steam Users and Steam Forum Users:

Our Steam forums were defaced on the evening of Sunday, November 6. We began investigating and found that the intrusion goes beyond the Steam forums.

We learned that intruders obtained access to a Steam database in addition to the forums. This database contained information including user names, hashed and salted passwords, game purchases, email addresses, billing addresses and encrypted credit card information. We do not have evidence that encrypted credit card numbers or personally identifying information were taken by the intruders, or that the protection on credit card numbers or passwords was cracked. We are still investigating.

We don’t have evidence of credit card misuse at this time. Nonetheless you should watch your credit card activity and statements closely.

While we only know of a few forum accounts that have been compromised, all forum users will be required to change their passwords the next time they login. If you have used your Steam forum password on other accounts you should change those passwords as well.

We do not know of any compromised Steam accounts, so we are not planning to force a change of Steam account passwords (which are separate from forum passwords). However, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to change that as well, especially if it is the same as your Steam forum account password.

We will reopen the forums as soon as we can.

I am truly sorry this happened, and I apologize for the inconvenience.

Gabe.

Moar info: Steam Forums.

Greenlight

Have a good idea for game? Well then Steam Greenlight isn't for you. Steam Greenlight is a place where indie developers can release a game in early access (read unplayable) mode, and where big companies can get people to vouch for their games, so they don't have to take any chances.

Games that were greenlit

Here is why Greenlight is a complete and utter failure:

Depression Quest - Not even a game
Five Nights at Freddy's
Gender Bender DNA Twister Extreme - DeviantArt the game
Air Control - Doesn't work

Hatred removed from Greenlight

Despite being actually approved by a majority, Steam still saw fit to remove a game from Greenlight, because it contained violent graphic pixels. In a rare moment of lucidty, Gaben himself restored it.

Steam Cloud

Valve developers had no idea of what to do next. One of them suddenly awoke in the brainstorming room and threw the idea of making something so Steam victims could bring their fucks everywhere with them. They call it Steam Cloud and you can upload your saves and stuff. That's all. Well, you may also leave your computer and go try to get a life, you faggot.

September 2014 update

Curator

Have you thought about how great it would be if only gaming was a bit more corrupt? Thankfully Valve has the solution for you in the form of curator. YouTube personalities and alike can now and will be paid to promote games on front page. Expect to see TotalBiscuit and his list of games he was paid to like.

MP3 player

About 3 years too late, like it has always been the case with Valve, they thought about implementing a MP3-player to Steam, not knowing that nobody listens to MP3 anymore, or are smart enough to use an external player, that can be configured with the keyboard anyway.

Steam Memes

Some generic chats you'll see riddled across the Steam network.

Rippy my Dippy
GABE NEWELL CANT COUNT TO THREE!!1!
To stop a Gaben
Every time you make fun of Gaben's weight, Half-Life 3 is delayed another (x amount of time)
MICSPAM!!!!!!
Based God fucked my bitch
Worth the weight

Interview with All Your History

Previous Video | Next Video

Quotes

	“	So, in practice, a really likable person in our community should get Dota 2 for free, because of past behaviour in Team Fortress 2. Now, a real jerk that annoys everyone, they can still play, but a game is full price and they have to pay an extra hundred dollars if they want voice.	„

	“	We're trying to figure out ways so that people who are more valuable to everybody else [are] recognized and accommodated. We all know people where if they're playing we want to play, and there are other people where if they're playing we would [rather] be on the other side of the planet. It's just a question of coming up with mechanisms that recognize and reward people who are doing things that are valuable to other groups of people.	„

Previous Quote | Next Quote

YouTube

The best game on Steam now

Steam for Mac

503 Error won't give up without a fight.

Previous Video | Next Video

The death of modding

In April 2015, Steam announced paid game mods. Valve would receive a 75% cut to help satisfy Gaben's hunger. As a protest 75% of the PC Master Race committed suicide, and nothing of value was lost. Many mods that were once free are now being sold for between $2 to $5 each, which adds up to more than the original of Skyrim when you consider PC retards use 50+ mods at a time. Oh look they are still free here

April 23, 2015. NEVAR FORGET

Surprisingly Steam actually heard the crying of all the 13 years who didn't want to spend all their parents' money at mods, so they removed it. So the new way for GabeN to make more money is to fire all his 4 employees.

Gallery

Gallery About missing Pics

Official product from the Steam store. Gabe now on your mouse pad and feels real!

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

When this happens, you know that Gaben's been downloading furry porn overriding the servers.

External links

The ED Steam group.

Valve Class Action Lolsuit site Let the lolsuits begin.
A description of their lackluster support

Steam is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

Featured article January 19th & 20th, 2014
Preceded by Raoul DeMarest	Steam	Succeeded by EmiNet