Russell Brand

The buck-toothed face only a Christ-fag could love.

Russell Brand - He has a bigger cock than you.

Russell Brand is the latest untalented Britisher twat to cross the Atlantic and trick Americans into thinking he's worth paying attention to. Looking like a transvestite crack-whore from the Stone Age, he has become as accepted as Andy Capp, Benny Hill, Austin Powers, Jack Sparrow and the GEICO Gecko, except he's a real person and you can tell that by the smell.

So easy a caveman could do it

A walking Uncyclopedia from somewhere in England who resembles all the rumors of The Missing Link with none of the being black, he was until recently hooking up with Katy Perry, a well-known cockmongler. On a cold winter's night you can find wizened old men telling yarns about the young Brand working the streets, sucking dicks and squeezing titties.

Well, Brand somehow found his way into the international spotlight and became famous for calling the daughter of some rich old dude a whore, stripping buck-naked during the G-## protests in European countries, and making a career being a silly-haired, IRL trolling, hipster Adam Sandler minus the Jewish humor and, thank goodness, the use of Yiddish words.

Russell Brand's "Career"

First appeared in 2004 hosting Big Brother's Big Mouth, a 'zany' British spin off chat show created by Endamol. He quickly became a minor IRL meme by prancing around a studio (clearly coked up), spouting vaudevillian nonsense in mock Victorian English, shouting down trolls, sitting in the laps of audience members, and arguing with his floor staff who vainly tried to get him to stick to the script.

Around 2008, he had made a name for himself in North America as a British art school drop-out in some movies to a point that he blew enough TV excutives that run MTV into allowing him to host an awards show. Nothing of merit really happened there, but Brand was sure to horrify the crowd with his Acid-fueled rants and jokes about George W. Bush being a retarded chimp - y'know, high-brow humor. Whatever the hell he did, it once again impressed MTV enough to bring him back in 2009 for yet another awards show. Granted, this one was a little less forgetful, but he still spent most of it making fun of Bush months after he was ejected from the Black House, saying he'd buttfuck Lady Gaga, and of course, meeting his future bride after saying he could see her ass hanging out of her pants.

Enter 2010, and his notoriety, beard, man-leggings and pointy shoes may have earned him the status of Katy Perry's Brand new husband. What's more, they figured they would have the most awesome of cocaine-and-private-jet-fueled pre-marriage parties with Kanye West. Jay Z, and Simon Cowell in Brand's corner, and Katy hanging out with Rihanna and Beyonce. Yes, that's right, the whitest people on this fucking planet are rolling deep with the Rocafella niggas, and they have Satan along for the ride to make sure Russell signs his pickled, LSD-drenched soul over for being the LUCKIEST asshole to ever live. As part of the deal, he'd be a lead role in one of the highest-grossing shit movies of the summer so far, which is a continuation of a movie he'd done some years ago and also made loads of money on for no particular reason (or talent, for that matter).

...Wat?

Are you upset?

Remember how your parents always said if you tried your best, and worked hard and stayed in High School and College, you'd succeed in life? Look at this fucking guy. No really, I'll give you a minute. Still haven't killed yourself in frustration? Well just remember that while you're not getting laid, playing D&D with your friends in Study Hall, and reading a 500+ page book for a 10+ page essay you'll probably steal information from on Wikipedia anyway, this guy literally made a career in DOING NOTHING. There truly is no God, or at least, not a just one.

See Also

• Katy Perry
• Potty Pete
• Amy Whinehouse
• Jack Sparrow

External Lonks

• Rusty's twitter

Russell Brand is part of a series on Trolls Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.