Kiki Kannibal: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 06:29, 10 November 2016

Toucan Kiki without makeup and extensions

The reason Kiki photoshops and makes sure to not turn her head while live on Stickam.

At the height of her fame, Kiki Kannibal was a self-proclaimed 17 year old girl, internet celebrity, and attention whore from Illinois who now lives in Orlando, Florida. On the surface, she was just another raccoon-eyes, organic vegetarian, but her toxic personality, history of plagarism, and propensity for drama elevated her to become one of early web 2.0's most infamous figures. Most of Kiki's initial fame was conjured by means of Satan's own copy of Adobe Photoshop that she's managed to abuse a couple times after some of the revealing photos her daddy took began circulating, but she later sealed her popularity as one of the most attractive females on Stickam (which is like being the classiest crack whore in a Motel 6 parking lot). She is down right FUGLY without her makeup and fake hair as seen here and her self-proclaimed au-naturel look that involves makeup here. One of her many exes demonstrated the hideousness sans-makeup to Kiki's best friend with this picture. In an attempt to convince herself that she's not ugly, Kiki goes on twitter to comparing herself to irl celebrities that she actually doesn't look like at all. Her little sister rose to e-fame in her own right by shooping herself into an alien baby, and today, both sisters try desperately to milk their so-called internet fame even though it's long gone. After going through several failed (and sometimes illegally run) business ventures, attempts to break into modeling and entertainment, poorly thought-out trend-riding, sockpuppeting, and meltdowns, Kiki now lives a double life, wherein she alternates between pretending to be a New Age goddess and shitposting as anonymous on Lolcow.farm, obsessively shit-talking obscure jvlogger Taylor R., defending herself and her sister, accusing the admin and farmhands of conspiring against her, and spamming gore with semi-coherent ALL CAPS rambling.

LAWLZZZ L1K3 ITZ KIKIKANNIBALLLL Z0MGZZZ

Kiki's photoshop abuse, or maybe this is what not enough photoshop looks like

Kiki's real name is Kirsten Ostrenga, and she first gained attention from the Internet at the age of 14 when pictures of herself in revealing scene attire and raccoon-striped hair began to circulate. In her first of many acts of hubris, she claimed to have "brought stripes back" into style. This caused a stir, as Motley Crue, Juggalos, Pedo Dahvie, most scenewhores in general, and Muriel the Merpony (see photo) had all been wearing stripes. Regardless Kiki's hair was serious fucking business to her, and anyone who put stripes in their hair, be they vertical or horizontal, was obviously copying her. After all, Kiki has been doing fug-stripes for at least 100 years according to her (or maybe 2-3 years according to reality) and styles it with bleach, a rake, and her daddy's cum. Despite Kiki's obsession with her stripes, interwebs chatter revealed that Kiki's hideous coon tails may never have actually existed, but were simply a mirage brought to us by the miracle of Adobe Photoshop. Credence is given to this theory by the fact that she never donned the stripes in any of the shit videos or stickam livestreams she made of herself acting like a 12 year old dumbfuck on YouTube. Of course, any debate of this topic would invoke a visit from the Scene Queen herself, who would adamantly insist that they're real.

Kiki has no IRL friends, which is typical of most internet users. Legend has it that her mullet devours all subjects of friendship before Kiki can develop any social bond with them. She also believes that The Man, the government, the FBI, and about every other fucking person on the face of the Earth is out to get her and bring her down. Of course, she'd probably be right if she were a minority, but nay, she's a white bitch from the 'burbs who talks in poor slang in an attempt to become the next Lexi Bee. Ever self-focused, Kiki accuses her h8rs of clearly being obsessed with her, though in reality, most of them simply find her explosive anger and failed ventures funny. Similarly, Kiki operates under the belief that all men who look upon her are instantly dazzled by her beauty, which causes her to fear leaving the house lest she be stalked or sexually assaulted. In Kiki's heyday, just one comment or post that doubted Kiki's perfection, intelligence, and creativity would always end in BAW, making her an easy and popular target for rabble-rousers of all sorts.

Keeks and Kota show their respect for the Japanese people.

Daniel Cespedes

Ever the caring parent, Mommy Ostrenga encouraged her daughter to start dating a legal adult, Daniel Cespedes, at the ripe old age of 13. It turns out that Cespedes had a liking for young teen girls, and after soliciting other girls on Stickam for nudes and cybersex, one of his victims alerted the police to the fact that the man was living with and having sex with the now 14-year-old Kiki. Police cornered Cespedes on the second story of a mall parking garage, and as the arresting officer scrambled to gather papers blown by a gust of wind, he jumped over the guard rail in an attempt to land in a dumpster and run away. He landed in a coma instead and died a few months later. Now free from her statutory rapist, Kiki mocked his death on Stickam soon after.

OMG PARENTAL DRAMA

Since Kiki's parents, like those of many other dumb e-whores, failed at raising their daughter with a sense of shame and self-respect, they now try to gain all those years of childhood misguidance back by arguing on the internet with anyone who dare speak down on their beloved little girl. Fighting Kiki's battles for her does not always prevail, and she simply blocks anyone who dares get in the way of her quest for Epic World Domination.

The one thing that they could not block, however, was the nude photo that somehow leaked onto Buzznet last Thursday. Kiki insisted that the government had posted the picture, because she will never own up to the fact that she is a cheap slut who was, is, and will always be 100% asking for it. And Pedobear was happy.

In late 2010, Kiki Kannibal and her equally snobby, anorexic sister Dakota Ostrenga proved their fuckery of a life and their parents' terrible parenting by having a domestic dispute that involved the police.

In early 2011, the Ostrengas were pressing for any chance of recognition for Kiki, so they reached out to Rolling Stone Magazine to tell the story of how their daughter was helplessly launched into the spotlight and became a victim of cyberbullies. RS mentioned Kiki's desperation for online fame even after her path drove her shitty parents into bankruptcy and foreclosure, quoting her words:

"If you take me off the Internet, the bullies will win."

The article painted a sympathetic portrait of Kiki, taking the Ostrega's words for fact despite their history of lying in official documents, but most of the article's comments saw through the Ostrengas' crocodile tears and blamed failed parenting for the girl's plight. Kirsten tried to get her supporters to defend her against the meanies telling lies, but nobody bothered to do so. Naturally, the torrent of call-outs upset the litigation-loving Cathy Ostrenga, who had RS remove truthful comments and eventually suspend comments entirely. Remnants of the evidence used on the article's comments still exist, though Cathy has gone through the depths of the internet to get her daughter's own wrong-doings baleeted, claiming copyright infringement on behalf of some dead-end, laughable 'company' called Kiki Kannibal Korporation. Obsessed with curating Kiki's online presence and reputation, Cathy Ostrenga later tried to enlist a livejournal snark community that is notorious for calling Kirsten out on her bullshit to help her build a case against notorious attention whore Chris Stone, who had been pestering Kiki, but she was met with mockery.

How To Whore Out Your Children For Fun and Profit

There have been various rumors floating around that Kiki's parents support and approve of her internet whoredom, and now these rumors have been proven as absolute fact. Kiki's parents, Scott R. Ostrenga and Cathy L. Ostrenga, incorporated the "Kiki Kannibal Corporation" in 2007. If Kiki was indeed 17 then, this means that they made a conscious and intentional decision to start exploiting their daughter online when she was 13 FUCKING YEARS OLD.

Unfortunately for the Ostrengas, the brainstorm of pimping out their daughter online may have come a little too late. All those t-shirt sales and plagarized plastic crap still weren't quite enough to keep their house from getting foreclosed on.

Financial Crisis: The Ostrengas Are Broke

Cathy Ostrenga's obsession with deleting her daughters' online failures was so intense that that she and husband Scott Ostrenga didn't realize that their own financial court records are published online for the world to see. In 2010, the Internet collectively laughed when the Ostrengas sacrificed their non-existent dignity to a delusional internet dream for their daughters by filing bankruptcy and having their home foreclosed after paying a pathetic $11,500 on their house. They further proved they had no concept of money and real life by becoming too retarded to mow their lawn, which landed them more hefty fines. Though 2010 was a golden year for the Ostrengas' finances, their journey to financial ruin began in 2006 when they forgot how to pay for a $1,000 hospital bill that Kiki racked up from poor nutrition and starving her body at her mother's demand.

The Ostrenga parents spent a length of time mooching off of their relatives as they tried to nurse their finances, while Kirsten Ostrenga and Dakota Ostrenga continued spending the money their father didn't have to purchase designer clothes and instruments so they could update her twitters about it. Kiki tried to defend her unnecessary spending by going out and purchasing a vintage camera that she didn't know how to use, went on Tumblr to ask for donations because her life sucks. While Kiki is now an adult, she refuses to get a real job and start earning honest money, instead sitting at home and spending the money her family doesn't have to buy frivolous shit.

Failed Ventures

Jewelry

After huffin' jenkem one time too many, Kiki decided to make profit from the stupidity of her fans, cutting up some plastic and gluing sparklies to it to lure in teen girls. She then called it jewelry, made a website for it, and tried to sell it for shitloads of cash. Next, she thought that she would claim her jewelry is durable and unbreakable, with is obviously bullshit because bedazzling plastic doesn't make it unable to survive a fall off a desk, much less be bulletproof. After numerous complaints about the quality of the jewelry, as well as allegations that she was selling crafts produced by others against their wishes, Kiki closed shop and moved onto her next failed ventures.

Music

For a time, Kiki liked to think of herself as a budding musician with a potential career ahead of her, which of course anyone with an IQ above 70 can see is bullshit. Undoubtedly spending more of Daddy's lack of money on her venture, Kiki finally released the noise of dying cows in mid-2011 under the name Kiki Mimieux. She had spent months building up anticipation from her ass-suckers claiming she couldn't give away any details of her dying cows because she didn't want anyone to steal her flawless, Russian-Irish, toucan, Angelina Jolie, vintage vegan ideas. She had big plans for her dying cows, and even created a faux-VEVO youtube account in hopes people would think it's real. The first song she released was an insulting Nancy Sinatra cover on top of a karaoke track. Not long after, she put more try-hard dying cows on the internet in a failed attempt to sound like CocoRosie, and everyone told her to fuck off. After she couldn't figure out how stupid she was, in late 2011 she hopped on the dub-step trend-wagon and released more noise she let her autistic brother make in fruityloops and garageband under the name IDORU. People laughed, and soon noticed that her song 'Space Vampyres' contained copyrighted material she had stolen from a Silent Hill track. Kiki is too desperate to make $100 by selling stolen music on itunes that she tried to justify her theft by using google wrong. She eventually baleeted her tweets because she was wrong and wanted to make her $100.

Drug Use

Kiki likes to excuse almost every part of her that is hypocritical, which is pretty much all of her, so it is no surprise to see her condoning the use of Salvia considering she is allegidly 'anti-drug-use'. "And I know salvia is legal, the herb is in some of my Chinese medicines that I take to regulate blood stagnation and painful menses."

Sure, Kiki, 'Chinese medicines'.

Veganism

In addition to being pro-ana, Kiki has been an outspoken vegetarian throughout her Internet career, and she frequently uses social media to pontificate about how cruel we are to the animals. Unfortunately, she has not realized yet that all of her fans are either retarded or too busy fapping at her loli pics to care about what she has to say.

As posted in her old Stickam profile, which nobody reads since they immediately enter her room and ask for tits:

	“	People need to stop hurting animals. There are only three MAIN categories on this earth scientifically: Plant, Animal, Mineral Guess what guys, we're in the animal section. We need to stop hurting our OWN kind. We are not in the STONE AGES ANYMORE. STOP EATING MEAT. ANIMAL RIGHTS. It's 2007! There's sooo many ways to get our protein in a healthier less heart ache way. Organic vegetarian since I was an 8 years old boy, all by choice baby!!!	„
	—Fuck your preachy bullshit, veggie-fag

It's still technically up for debate the way in which she is more of an ironic champion of hypocrisy: decrying being a carnivore while calling herself KIKI FUCKING KANNIBALL, or given her discussion on ex-boyfriends, LOL, her love of at least one kind of meat.

Kiki After Scene

After the death of Stickam and the rise of other social media sites, Kiki's sister rose to popularity by shooping herself into the uncanny valley on Tumblr and eventually got signed to a modeling agency in Japan. All the while, Kiki was quickly fading into obscurity. Scrambling to grab at her sister's newfound fame, she tested the waters in social media. Trying on different styles and personas, the fallen Scene Queen eventually decided to be a ~spiritual elven indigo child of Mother Earth~. She maintained a slightly successful youtube account where she gave makeup tutorials, vlogs, and videos attempting to be cutsey, but her fame never launched. Similarly, her twitter account account maintained only a small following, and she shied away from tumblr after being caught asking herself questions. Kiki's record of plagiarism also followed her into this era, where she blatantly copied a recipe on her short-lived blog.

"I am a divine expression of love and light. I love and accept myself more and more every day."

Japan

While Kiki maintained her New Age persona, she couldn't help but copy people who are more successful than her, and when her sister Dakota got signed to a Japanese modeling agency to be a kawaii doru, Kiki flew to Japan in hopes of getting noticed as well. Of course, with her angular features, which don't meet Japan's beauty standards, poor social skills, and zero drive or desire to leave the house and work to get noticed, Kiki's journey was in vain. However, Kiki's trip produced great entertainment for her hate-fans, as she mistook a casual lay for a boyfriend, pretended to visit China, and, when she came home, pretended that she was coming back on an entertainment visa. Despite having no modeling prospects in Japan and almost no command of the language, Kiki clung to the Japan dream, searching for a gaijin hunter husbando on language learning/mail-order bride website Interpals.

After the Interpals account was discovered and the screenshot shared, Kiki flew under the radar for many moons, neglecting her social media. However, she was very busy elsewhere, becoming the scourge of one website under a new name: Sperg-Chan.

Sperg-Chan

For months, internet trainwreck-gawking website Lolcow.farm was plagued with a phenomenon they affectionally dubbed 'Sperg-chan'. Sperg-chan seemed to be paranoid and obsessed with a fairly boring, run-of-the-mill jvlogger named Taylor R. Farmers wondered whether Sperg-chan was one person or many, as the amount of time and effort that went into bitching about the jvlogger, telling farmers to kill themselves, justifying why her thread should exist, and weaving conspiracies about the admin and farmhands was enormous. On top of that, Sperg-chan had made hundreds of posts worth of gore and insane ALL CAPS rambling about "TAY TAY" and the Ostrengas. By following a trail of technical breadcrumbs, lolcow's admin discovered that the posts had all come from one source: Kiki, who had gotten a VPN just to talk shit about some bland weeb's knees. And not only that, but she had maintained an account on gossip site PULL just to bitch about Taylor. In a whirlwind of glory, Kiki was outed to the farmers, and the discovery was celebrated with posts across the internet, fanart, and side-by-side comparisons of her ~peace and love~ tweets and angry lolcow posts.

Kiki Kannibal Words of Love and Light About missing Pics

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Don't worry- she'll be back tomorrow!

External links

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Kiki Kannibal: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 06:29, 10 November 2016

Contents