David Miscarriage

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WHY IS THERE NOT A SHOOP OF THE GOOSEBUMPS VENTROLIQUIST DUMMY ON HERE?! I DEMAND TO KNOW!!!

David Slappy Miscavige Miscarriage (born Jakob Greenberg) is the leader of the Scientology organized crime syndicate. He took this position at the age of 26 in 1986, when L. Ron Hubbard accidentally died during a sexual role-playing game they were playing together. Miscarriage insisted that in his dying words, "LRH" had anointed him Scientology's new leader. David Miscarriage is infused with the same batshit insane ideology as Hubbard, but unfortunately lacks any of the krazie-smarts that lay behind those ravings.

In February 2008, in the early days of Project Chanology, Miscarriage's niece Jenna "came out" to announce that Scientology is made for retards. Miscarriage was reported to be furious but embarrassed.

Why should I care about this faggot anyway?

Researchers are also very interested in Miscarriage because:

• He is believed to actually be a gnome, or maybe some sort of black person.
• He has enough mental problems to keep our Psych overlords in business for the next 9,001 years
• He is believed to be the densest object known to man, and scientists are still trying to figure out how such a small body could contain so much fucktardedness
• Should Tom Cruise ever contract AIDS from the $17 transsexual hooker-bots he pays for sex and kick the bucket, a sex starved David Miscarriage would almost certainly give Pedobear a run for the money.
• He is a squirrel, he alters the "tech" and changes things around to whatever he seems fit

Miscarriage is also a danger to the entire planet - its inferiority complex is so massive it may well collapse into a black hole and devour us all. Various reasons have been given for this, including, but not limited to:

• Though Miscarriage is the beloved leader of a world wide cult, he will never be its messiah as L. Ron Hubbard was.
• His inferiority complex has its own inferiority complex.
• He has an inferiority complex about other people having more inferiority than he.
• He has an inferiority complex about having an inferiority complex.
• It is embarrassing to have to buy your clothes at Gap Kids when you're almost 50.

The Birth of a Scilon

Miscarriage and fellow Scientologists croon some of LRH's brilliant sea chanties

DM presiding in uniform

Dave Miscarriage (known as DM to the drooling Scifag masses) was born into an ultra-orthodox Hasidic Jewish family, but became a Scientologist in the early 1970s. Turns out DM had a lot of problems when he was a kid: namely allergies and a propensity to take dick in the ass. This resulted in a stunting of his growth and he never grew taller than 4ft 6. He was a total, utter failure at school because of this. However, Scientology offered a solution: not only would they cure his allergies but they would also make him rich and beautiful without needing to be intelligent in the least. DM took to the religion like a slut to a cock, and the Miscarriage family moved to Scifag HQ in England. DM was listed as a CIA source, but that was very soon covered up and denied.

Young David quickly made friends with L. Ron Hubbard. DM joined the elite SeaOrg, meaning that the teenage DM spent months at sea with L. Ron wearing a sailor's outfit. DM was part of the even-more-elite-than-the-SeaOrg Commodore's Messenger Organization, serving as L. Ron's cameraman. Young DM became L. Ron's right hand man and perpetual slave to Hubbard's undying cock.

DM vs. Mary Sue

In the 1980s, Scientology was enduring a crisis. L. Ron was far too fucked up to run the organization effectively, meaning that his wife Mary Sue was the de facto ruler. There was a problem though: in 1979 the party van had rolled deep on Mary Sue and other top-ranking Scifags in Operation Snow White. DM faced a dilemma: should he stay in the background and be happy as L. Ron's receiver or should he try to wrestle power away from the Suethor? For obvious reasons he chose the latter.

Somehow, DM managed to topple the beast. He then struck Mary Sue's name from all Scientology references that she helped co-author and "disconnected" her from the Co$. L. Ron - apparently too tired from fucking little boys to notice - didn't lift a finger to spare his wife.

Rise to Power

The glamorous Mr. Miscarriage

David Miscarriage is just asking for it.

TOW. No Free Image. Too short for camera anyway.

DM now stood to inherit the Scientology fortunes. By 1982 DM owned all the copyrights to Scientology's main scriptures. He instituted new draconian rules regarding copyright claims on new Scientology materials. By the mid-1980s DM was the god-king of the Co$, a position guaranteed by the fact that by this point L. Ron was too fucked up to make it out of bed in the morning.

Then one day in 1986, L. Ron "discarded his body...[to] live on a planet a galaxy away". DM was suddenly fresh out of messiah cock to fellate. A year later, he was the head of all of Scientology.

DM has presided over this pretend-religion with an iron fist. Some of the Idiotic things he has done whilst in office include:

• Accusing the Psychs of murdering a leading Scifag.
• Saying a German medical school spearheaded the Holocaust thusly:
  • Ignoring the fact that the school didn't exist until 1966.
• Fighting to keep L. Ron's works out of the public domain because he can pretty much print money as long as he can charge for them.
• Sucking Tom Cruise's cock.
• Telling Ted Koppel that that the American government wanted to send all insane Americans to the Alaskan wilderness.
• Being married since 1981 but not having a single child with his wife.
• Thinking that Anonymous are the tip of an invasion force of the evil Psychlos.
  • This might be the only thing that DM believes that is true. The Fifth Invader Force is coming, Dave, and we're gonna blow your mind.

How To Troll

DM is a micromanaging fuckwit who is concerned about his public image. All Scientologists who work on staff (from the friendly stat-hungry robots at your local org to the recently re-incarnated Footbullet Man) are required to write a Knowledge Report (KR) on anything negative they see about him. He demands to know whenever he is mentioned anywhere.

Trolling him is simple and effective: call him out by name and title (so there's no doubt its him), insult him (pointing out his height and asthma are pluses), then carry on with your day. Keep it simple: he hasn't even graduated high school, so that's the intellectual level we're dealing with here.

	“	COB David Miscavige is a bug-eyed, wheezy, enema-enjoying, slap-happy midget faggotboy.	„
	—example troll

That's all it takes. That alone will make him sacrifice 20 Sea Org members to the flea pond. Every negative thing about him on ED, e/b/aums, and jewtube has been seen by him personally, and each makes him rage more than the last.

Hi Davey. Thanks for visiting. Kiss kiss.

DM's CoS executive underlings that know exactly what he is capable of, are SO AFRAID of him, that when he gives speeches in front of scientologists, nobody wants to be the first to stop clapping for him in fear of what might happen to the physical safety of them, and/or their families. Clapping goes on for hours until someone rings a bell for it to stop.

Gallery

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  True pic
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  Photoshopped version
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  An Hero
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  wink
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  I find your faith enturbing
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  Thank goodness Xenu for the Blockatiel!
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  Miscavige giving a speech
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  Miscavige has to stand on a box when being photographed with other scifags.
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  DM flashing his stolen cheddar.
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  DM asking Tom Cruise to protect him from the hackers on steroids group; anonymous.
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  DM arrested, probably for sexually assaulting niece Jenna Miscavige
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  DM as a young buck with his adopted parents.
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  DM blaspheming against ceiling cat.
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  Upon seeing someone playing Battletoads, DMs facial features are enlarged.
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  DM rolling with his "Bad Boyz" crew.
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  DM didn't put up with enough before becoming the head of CoS.
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  Davey gets hit by a lorrey.
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  The metaphorical fight between anonymous and DM.
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  DM looks on in astonishment at the power of ceiling cat.
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  Davey is a curious gorilla.
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  Davey admits to being depressed to /b/.
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  Davey asking Tom to pinch his ass.
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  What some members of the Sea Org are forced to do, demonstrated by DM.
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  DM and TC on a girls night out.
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  DMs past life as a midget gorilla.
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  Davey as a bum after being refused change.
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  Davey wearing a hot dog hat.
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  Davey making a sci joke whilst flashing all the money he has stolen from Scientology.
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  DMs policy on fair gaming.
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  Davey DOESN'T GET ANGRY!!1
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  Sadly, Davey gets no love from the neighbors.
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  DM trying to get people to leave his bf alone.
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  Davey locked up for sexual assault
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  After installing curtains and a dog to stop anonymous invasions, Davey also bought an orange torch. And he's not afraid to use it.
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  MiniMiscavige
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  Moments after DM hatched.
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  Davey trying to be the center of attention at parties.
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  After a 75 million year heroin binge.
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  Davey practicing his new OT powaz.
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  Davey mid argument.
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  Davey showing the bullies at school his OT powers.
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  DM talking at his radio show "Radio Miscavige".
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  Davey riding a pony with his father.
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  On one of his crazy nights out, Davey discovers scientology makes you do CRAZY shit.
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  Davey calm.
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  Davey not mad.
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  Davey's sex face.
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  DM as a small monkey.
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  DM the squirreler.
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  Davey's best friend.
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  David Letterman trying to rip off DM's legs.
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  Miscavige offering free ride.
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  Davey offering sex for monies.
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  TC giving DM a BJ

David Miscarriage is part of a series on Truth Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.

David Miscarriage is part of a series on Scientology

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