William Hague

William Hague has been a Yorkshire Member of Parliament since 1989 and would later succeed John Major as Tory (Conservative Party) leader. In 2005 he effectively became David Cameron's deputy. Then in 2010, after the formation of the Coalition Government, Hague was appointed to Foreign Secretary.

Young rebel

Years before his election, Hague was remembered as that odious little teenage shitbag who cleaned Thatcher's arse in public during a Tory conference. Here's that embarrassing footage again, folks, as Wee Willie urges Thatch to set my people free, the young soul rebel:

But that's not why you're here. So let's get down to basics.

Hague the lightweight

Can't take his beer. At all. One sniff of a bag of wine-gums and Hague falls over then wets himself. This is more of an embarrassment than you'd think, because for an Englishman, especially a Northern Englishman, and particularly a Yorkshire Englishman, it's the equivalent of having your micropenis photographed and the pics sent to your employer (in case this oh-so-sophisticated analogy is lost on readers in the colonies, the employer is the electorate).

As a nipper, he worked as a drayman (look it up, fucko) and in 2000, in a transparent attempt to gain some sort of "man of the people" street-cred, the then-Tory leader claimed to have drunk 14 pints of beer a day on a regular basis. (English beer, we mean, not that carbonated piss they sell over the Atlantic).

Sadly, his boast backfired and hit him splat in the face like a drunk tying to projectile vomit into a force nine headwind, as it emerged that not only could reporters locate absolutely no witnesses to Hague's alleged imbibing in his home town, but on the contrary he had a reputation among contemporary acquaintances as a man who just couldn't hold his ale. Scornful nicknames for the young would-be PM included "Billy the Pop" and "Billy Fizz".

Then-Prime Minister Tory B Liar (lolololol!1!11!) may be an evil cunt of unparalleled magnitude, but he did catch the national mood of disbelief and mirth by using Hague's extravagant claim across the floor of the Commons in what was (by Parliamentary standards) a devastating putdown:

	“	Everything makes sense after 14 pints. John Redwood looks sane. Michael Portillo looks loyal... even William Hague looks like a prime minister.	„
	—Tony Blair

And with that, having been thoroughly pwnt in the ass, Hague sank back into well-deserved obscurity and half a diet Coke with ice and lemon. No, wait, that's not what happened at all.

Hague: A manly man's man

William Hague

Hague used to engage regularly in judo matches with notable Britfag celebrity athlete Sebastian (Lord) Coe, and indeed WH invested a handsome sum in a company run by Coe (he sadly lost the lot when Coe's business went down the shitter). But there have been persistent rumours that the pair's sweaty, grunting, all-wrasslin', no-holds-barred one-on-one sessions went a bit deeper than that. Knowing Hague, about four inches deeper. These claims have almost been kept out of the media, but were included in a book about MI6 and its legendary dirt-files on prominent MPs. Sadly, the reference was struck out prior to publication, but happily the missing bits were subsequently restored, and the pertinent bit reads: "The services are also aware of the sexual relationship between Mr Hague and Mr Coe."

Oddly enough, as Foreign Secretary William Hague is now in charge (or notionally in charge, at any rate) of MI6. In 2010, Hague denied the obvious innuendo about his relationship with a handsome young graduate called Christopher Myers, who he had taken on all-expenses paid jaunts across Europe while Foreign Secretary.

Oh and turns out they'd also shared an overnight hotel room prior to Myers's appointment as Hague's special advisor, although Hague denied that any impropriety occurred. He claimed that they'd bunked up together to save money. While this excuse smells as fishy as a whorehouse in August during a soap shortage, Hague is both a Yorkshireman and a Tory so it's just about possible to believe him on this one.

But it's not just the British public who are pruriently curious about what Hague does with his dick (assuming he has one). US spies were sufficiently intrigued to cable their London Embassy for information on one Alan Duncan, ahead of the UK's 2010 General Election.

Alan Duncan? Who he? He's an openly gay tory MP who used to share a flat with his old friend William Hague, and who somehow got a job under Dave as International Development Minister. The cable to the USA's London Embassy called the information received concerning the "friendship" between Hague and Duncan "particularly insightful and exceptionally well timed" ... but what that information was we have no idea, because British comms weren't compromised in the leak. Boo!

Moralfag PS

There is of course nothing wrong with being a disgusting, diseased, pox-ridden, poppers-soaked arsebandit who can hide a traffic bollard just by sitting on it, but since happily-married William Hague isn't one of those, and has endorsed anti-gay-equality views both in and out of Parliament, it hardly matters.

Gallery

See also

• Involvement in Welsh paedo cover-up at Margaret Thatcher

External links

William Hague is part of a series on Politics.

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