Battlefield 1

Battlefield 1, also known as Verdun 2: Electric Boogaloo and I Killed Call of Duty, and also Battlefield Won is another entry in EA's equally cancerous CoD rivaling Battlefield franchise, unique because it is one of the first major FPS games to take place in World War I. Battlefield 1 gained massive fame after it singlehandedly caused a mass exodus of CoD fanboys to Battlefield after Infinity Ward unveiled the next Star Wars movie known as Infinite Warfare. One can assume it will just be Battlefield 4 with swords, horses, and more trenches.

White Guilt cover art

Strangely enough (to non SJWs/revisionists) the developers went with a dindu nuffin for their box art and in game main screen. Considering WWI was a European war with over 95% of the participants and casualties being white males(Turks don't count as human), it seems like a complete slap in the face to the victims, the victims children and the victims hot sexually vibrant wives. As if getting gassed, machine gunned, bayoneted and pwned by high explosives on a daily basis for four years wasn't bad enough.

The Beta

Battlefield 1's open beta test dropped last Thursday and in typical EA fashion, the servers couldn't handle the swarms of the former CoD fanboys flocking to the game. The servers were basically broken for over an entire day and the few Conquest games that were live had queues of over 50 fucking people. By the time the issues cleared up you were greeted to endless Conquest and Rush games on the Sinai Desert map while playing as either Turkish Sandniggers or Britbongs. The reality of the Beta was that guns are horrendously unbalanced; you can be using a fucking Lewis Gun and a guy with 50% health can shit all over you with his M1911 like it was nothing. Tanks are insanely overpowered, particularly the fucking Renault FT-17 light tank which can kill infantry and light vehicles in one shot or run circles around heavy tanks and blow those shit up too. If the thing gets damaged you can just drive away and self repair it safely inside the fucking tank. Bayonet charges are impossible to counter; the only way to stop one is by some fucking miracle to be facing the guy charging you and unload your entire mag into him, however the guy runs like he's a fucking Kenyan so good luck hitting him. On top of that the menus are completely broken and navigating them takes like five minutes. Easiest way to succeed in the Beta is to just get a light tank. Watch your K/D ratio skyrocket as you go 40 to nothing every fucking game.

Suggestions for New Classes

Trenchrat - The medic class, although you may find that all they can do is give you a shot of penicillin and euthanize you. Weapons include Stale Bread, Porno Magazine, and Cyanide.

Mounted - This assault class isn't gonna let a little innovation in weaponry stop them from charging at their enemies on a domesticated animal. Weapons include Horse, Sword, Signed Copy of Last Will and Testament.

Raider - Nobody's invented night-vision goggles or the Geneva Convention, so try not to trip over a landmine as you move to slit your sleeping enemy's throat. Weapons include Machete, Bayonet, and Brass Knuckles for when you gotta go old school.

Survivor - Weapons speak for themselves; includes Machine Gun, Sniper Rifle, Mustard Gas, and Gas Mask.

Suggestions for New Modes

Team Genocide - One team is unarmed, the other team is given infinite ammo resupply.

Imperialism - Same as Conquest except both teams are in Africa.

Village Raid - One team is trying to pillage,rape, and burn a village. The other team is playing as wimminz,trying to avoid teh raep.

Armenian Genocide - Speaks for itself, view goes to top down mode a la "Smash TV", prizes inc kebabs and Turkish delight

Related Articles

• Battlefield 3 - Expect vast similarities.
• Jonathan McIntosh - Went #FullMcIntosh over this game.

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