Android

Android (Apple + Steroid) is Java bloatware built into a disabled Linux distribution, made for mobile phone faggots too afraid to sell their kidney for an iPhone. Starting out in 2003 as a dickless Frankenstein, it was made popular after Google bought the rights in 2005 and made the shitbrick G1. Android runs on various devices because of their open source nature (AOSP), with just about any phone by HTC, Samsung, Asus, OnePlus, Motorola and any other non-iPhone mobile devices. It's the 21st century's one-for-all OS, and the glue holding many markets in a harmonious circlejerk. It is currently the most popular mobile platform in the world with over 1 billion recorded users.

WHO MADE THIS CRAP

Not to be confused with this android.

Or this one

That's easy -- it was a giant hack-job thanks to Andy Jew Rubin, who started Android Inc. as a separate company and sold it off to Google in 2005 for a shit-river of cash. Or rather; he hired a few dozen nameless coders who assembled the main codebase, so Andy could claim HE invented it all. After Android created the most popular smartphone OS in history, Larry'n'Sergey gave Andy $90 mil to go away in 2014. Because Andy was fond of shtupping female employees. He promptly started several other tech firms, one of which is an "incubator" for new ideas. And that is how to disappear an excess $90 million.

“	What Google did not make public was that an employee had accused Mr. Rubin of sexual misconduct. The woman, with whom Mr. Rubin had been having an extramarital relationship, said he coerced her into performing oral sex in a hotel room in 2013, according to two company executives with knowledge of the episode. Google investigated and concluded her claim was credible, said the people, who spoke on the condition that they not be named, citing confidentiality agreements. Mr. Rubin was notified, they said, and Mr. Page asked for his resignation. Google could have fired Mr. Rubin and paid him little to nothing on the way out. Instead, the company handed him a $90 million exit package, paid in installments of about $2 million a month for four years, said two people with knowledge of the terms. The last payment is scheduled for next month.	„

The System

Pros

Google Chrome thinks that the Android Market is a cover for attackers to install malware on your computer, and they are correct!

• Make phone calls. (Unless you have AT&T, then fuck you.)
• Exploit critical/unpatched security holes and act like its a feature. (also known as "root")
• Download additional battery raping security holes.
• Rape battery raping security holes.
• Overclock and melt processor.
• Tether your phone to your laptop to share your phone's Internets illegally because you're too fucking poor to pay for it. This can be done via USB or WiFi. Verizon and AT&T may banz free illegal tethering here Just root it and you can download an app that still does it for free.
• Play Farmville.
• Download shit-grade free apps.
• Download pirated apps that MAY CONTAIN AIDS MALWARE!
• Customizing your fucking homescreens with widgets

Yes you can download it. DO IT Faggot!

• Download porn apps. (As long as the Parents Television Council keeps their hands off the Android Marketplace!)
• Download Sound /b/oard.
• Install apps remotely with Appbrain so you can fuck things up good.
• Use your bluetooth headphones/Bluesniping
• WiFi / Wardriving like a script kiddie.
• Take photos in the dark. (some android phones have double flash all the way)
• Scan barcodes.
• Live Wallpapers to make your clit hard.
• Use as a big screen TV. (see: Droid X, lol DISCONTINUED)
• Tell Google everything that you are doing. (This can be minimized by turning off "Submit usage to Google" and by not using Google Buzz. Unless you're a FUCKING MORON like 99% of Android users.)
• Buy a fucking piece of plastic to protect the screen from your dirty fingers from Verizon for $15. (WTF?!)
• Flood the Android Market with over 9000 bogus apps that do nothing but show you a couple of images of Justin Bieber with huge tits, ripped from Google Images; and sell them for 99 cents.
• Download viruses and make yourself miserable, sucker.
• Pinch to zoom. Like an iPhone diddling pussy.
• Use Google Goggles to solve Sudoku.
• Use Google Goggles to identify fucking everything.
• Play retro video games with NES, SNES, Genesis, PS1 emulators and more.
• Use a physical keyboard (on many Motorola and HTC phones). Beware that if you are a fatty with fat fingers nobody cares about you or your ability to use a hardware keyboard. (lol DISCONTINUED, all Android phones are fucky iPhone clones now)
• Watch apps crash from over 9000 memory leaks.
• Buy yourself some hookers and blow with the extra money you won't be shelling out to buy an iPhone.
• Laugh at people walking out of an AT&T or Mac Store who will be sleeping in a cardboard box with their Apple Debt.
• Take photos of said cardboard dwellers as they cry their salty tears into the gutter because they have no home to go to anymore.
• Make your own apps...CSIII style!.
• Troll Steve Jobs or Tim Cook (if they aren't dead yet).
• Troll iPhags, especially if they paid $1200 for an iPhone Xs.
• Automatic application updates.
• REAL MULTITASKING. Whatever that means.
• Voice Actions using Voice Search. Not only will your phone display all the disgusting furry porn you talk about all day, it will also report everything back to Larry Page.
• Be forced into using Bing (root will let you uninstall)
• Sync with Google Chrome. You have no choice, the phone AND the PC will harass you until you do it.
• Fuck it. (lol BANKRUPT)
• Freedom lolol
• Send an SMS intended for a chick you're fucking to your girlfriend, your boss, and your grandma without you knowing.
• Randomly delete all of your messages.
• Reboot for no apparent reason.
• Reboot for no apparent reason during an important phone call.
• Share your authTokens with everyone.
• Destroy brain tissue with the Facebook app. A billion flies can't be wrong, eat shit!

Cons

Main promotional photo for the G1, where the clock is set to 2 different times 2:47 and 9:11. This is thought to be a message from an elite group of Google engineers tho are desperately trying to get out the truth.

• You can't use it with any iPod enabled device. Like you would want to anyways, not a big loss there. You can, however, plug it into any standard audio jack or USB port. Something the iPhuck can't do anymore lol.
• Some devices can't be used with a Mac because it hasn't been approved by your Apple Genius, and nothing of value was lost.
• You can't use IRC on some 3G networks that only allow for secure connection. You can however IRC using WiFi or through 3G on browser based clients like Mibbit. You could also be 1337 and SSH in through a UNIX server and screen irssi you Mary. Nothing is more fulfilling than unleashing the power of gay.pl while you are driving.
• Install it on an iPhone. Now you can. (oopsiedaisy nevermind DEAD PROJECT as of 2015)
• Have an acceptable battery life. (GIANT EXTERNAL brick battery will fix this, and make you look like a cuntboy)
• Have a mediocre battery life. (Root+CPU manager fixes this) (lol NOTHING FIXES IT ANYMORE)
• Back up your phone log or text messages. (3rd Party has this covered nao)
• Back up your browser bookmarks (Again, 3rd party has it covered)
• Back up any of the apps you downloaded for free. (Most of the apps that you paid for are remembered. PDANet won't appear in that list because you paid the folks at PDANet not Google.)
• Back up any other data stored on internal memory. (See root)
• Get the guy at the phone store to DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING off your old Android phone.

What you will be able to do with it in the future

I, for one, welcome our new Android overlords.

• Play WebM/HTML5/VP8 games just barely....
• Play music over the cloud without buffering or hiccups (Google is making music to stream over your network instead of using space).
• Use it with Google TV to run your porn apps.
• Divide by Zero (According to Gizmodo).

Apps

“	Give it up, you turd. It's a java sandbox wrapped in another sandbox.	„
—User:h64

If for some in-fucking-credibly misguided reason you do decide to make an app, heed this warning; you will want to fucking shoot yourself half way through.

Banned Apps

SIEG HEIL!!!

Just like Apple, Google also has a blacklist of apps, although they have yet to blacklist most of the shit apps that flood the Android Market everyday. Verizon, in particular, doesn't like any app that allows users to avoid paying their $20 add on fee for Wifi tethering. The average Android user is paying about $107 per month for service through Verizon Wireless, so fuck them AND YOU.

• Easy Root was removed from thew market for stealing the source for the app from DMUpdate, a FREE rooting process.
• Android recently decided to remove a slew of Hitler and Nazi themed add-ons from the Market for being obscene in the eyes of Jews. No word yet on when the Star of David is going to be taken down for being offensive. But you can still have all the weev dick pics you want.

Community

Bitch I Got An Android, fuck you iPhone fanboys [Music Video]     “   Android been doing that shit, plus they got Flash, and if you talk shit about Android I'll slap you on your ass. Stick my finger up it, and then I'll say fuck it.   „     —TripperOnDaTrack - Not realizing that it is impossible to sound gangsta and gay at the same time unless you are in prison.

People who use/buy this

• Poorfags
• Software developers
• Schizos
• Megan Fox[1]
• Oprah[2] and by proxy, everyone who worships Oprah.
• People who can't live with out Flash/Porn (everyone)
• Crapple fans who can’t take any more of their shit

How to Troll Androids users

Android, more so than any other OS, attracts unrivaled numbers of fanboys. Android users are very defensive about their phones, and tend to tell users of other phones how great Android is even when nobody gives two shits. They also believe that rooting makes them computer gods. Because Android users are so pointlessly in love with their phones, they make for easy trollng. Any of the following are effective both online and irl.

• Complain about the "platform being too fragmented". Like a pussyass.
• Say Apple's app store is better than Android Market/Google Play/whatever and be sure not to give any supporting evidence.
• Say iOS has better multitasking.
• Say they're too poor to afford an iPhone.
• Tell them Google is tracking everything they do with it and everywhere they go. (Apple does the same with iOS devices so LOLOL.)
• Point out that root apps are taking advantage of serious security flaws, and that any other app could as well.
• Say that more apps are free on android because they suck dick.
• Tell them that the Motorola-Google merger will MAKE GOOGLE ONLY PRODUCE MOTOROLA PHONES AND WILL SCARE AWAY ALL OTHER MANUFACTURERS-hence destroying Android. As if Motorola phones were not shit anyway.
• Android users really hate Apple, so just say anything good about Apple. Mega-lols.

Under The Surface

Android Kill Switch

On June 25, 2010, Google added a new remote feature to the Android Operating system: The Android Kill Switch. While Google defends this new backdoor program will be used for good to allow Google to delete shit apps off your Android phone, it is essentially Google's version of the Internet Kill Switch.

UPDATE: As a wise sage once predicted, Google has in fact used the kill switch. Google is an enemy of your freedom. And don't bother Googling a way to disable the kill switch. It's possible but Google is forcing people who post it online to take it down. You do not own your phone, Google and their marketing partners do. SUCKER.

Oracle Gets Butthurt

In a move that seems like one part dickery and twenty parts stupid, Oracle, not mere months after acquiring Sun, have decided to sue Google over their use of Java as the primary development language for Android. If Oracle somehow wins this suit, it could mean the end of Java on Android. All things considered, this would not be the worst thing to happen considering Java is pure and utter shit. Besides, didn't Google make some other compiled language? Why the fuck don't they just use that? Anything is better than fucking Java.

The case is still being fought as of 2018. It will NEVAR END because Larry Ellison is a fuckhead. He laughs at you.

Gallery

Android About missing Pics

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  typical android user
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  Average argument from an Android fanboy. Note the bad spelling.
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  and nothings sacred
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  Trolls on my Best Buy?
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  AnonAndroid
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  no..
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  almost creepypasta
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  Qualified SMS bomber

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

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  stole my bike on my phone
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  On my droid?
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  Epic pic is Epic
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  very easy trolling topic
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  This is what most android fans fap to
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  ???
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  MAKE THIS YOUR PROFILE PICTURE
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  google fantards fap to this

See Also

• iPhone
• Internet Kill Switch
• IPhone killer
• iPad
• Google
• Samsung Sam
• T-Mobile
• Verizon
• AT&T
• Randroid
• Fairphone

Android is part of a series on Softwarez Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage.

External Links

• Android tablet came preloaded with porn, ruins Christmas, LULZ ensued.