My Inner Life: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 01:35, 18 April 2015

My Inner Life is the result of a perverted, sexually frustrated and insane individual named Jen, under the screen name of Link's Queen, playing the renowned and overrated Legend of Zelda game Ocarina of Time. After this she began to have lucid ~~wet~~ dreams about herself and Link in Hyrule, presumably because her real life was so crappy. For some reason, Jen decided it would be a good idea to write down her wet dreams for the innocent morons of FanFiction.net to suffer through. Not surprisingly, her work was not well received. One does have to wonder why Jen thought of Link as 'the perfect man' (which she admitted to in her Author's Notes) when the guy is a silent protagonist with virtually no personality whatsoever. She thinks he's hot because, you know... How could anyone not find a bunch of N64-graphic polygons hot?

Like Tara, Jen flew off the handle when her reviewers told her her writing sucks, countering with caps-lock-abuse-filled ranting and screaming for several pages in her Author's Notes. She was also a huge hypocrite; she criticized her readers for being immature because they told her she is bat-shit insane, then told them it was childish (as in, The Legend of Zelda series' target audience) to scream and whine when one came across something one didn't like... even though she was doing exactly the same thing by screaming and whining about getting unfavorable reviews.

Sadly, Jen never finished My Inner Life, ending it on somewhat of a cliffhanger (as much of a cliffhanger as the plotless piece of shit could have, at least). Despite toning down the creepy sex-scenes in later chapters (thank God), Jen was still hounded for her fic, leading her to rage-quit and delete the fic from Fanfiction.net. Of course, once something is on the internet, it's very rarely gone forever, and several helpful trolls continue to mirror My Inner Life to this day. Jen threatened legal action towards one such person, but she seems to have disappeared off the face of the interwebs since then.

'Plot'

The fic's 'plot' follows the first-person-narrated (no surprise there) adventures of Jen's self-insert Sue, Jenna. Jenna's parents, both powerful element-wielders, died when she was fourteen. Since then, she's been raising herself in a medieval-like world, making her living as a traveling merchant. Sounds believable, right?

Jenna meets Link upon returning to Hyrule after being away for two years by her time (and seven years by Hyrule's time) and reuniting with her 'good friends,' Zelda, Impa and King ~~Hyrule~~ Zelda. See, unlike in the game, where Link's spirit is merely sealed in the Sacred Realm for seven years while time passes normally in Hyrule, in this cluster-fuck of a story, time jumps ahead seven years in Hyrule, but for some reason only two years pass in the rest of the world. It seems that, in this universe, the Master Sword has the power to open up worm-holes in certain areas of the world. Either that or Jen is just a fucking moron who can't even grasp the simple plot of a children's game.

The rest of the fic shows Link and Jenna getting married after knowing each other for barely two months, building a house in the Lost Woods, going through a fucked up bonding ceremony that includes drinking each other's piss (SRSLY), having lots of creepy tiger-sex with each other, Jenna having Link's Sue babies (the first of which is able to do math... at four months old), and Jenna being a complete Mary Sue who can control the elements after almost zero training. ...Oh, and there's also some shit about fighting Dark Link in the Water Temple, meeting some griffins and evil dragon-controlling guys, preparing for a possible war against some guy called Ariakas, and fighting off Ariakas when he attempts to break into their house and rape them. But no one gives a shit about that stuff. The creepy sex-scenes and Jenna's Sueness are the only important things.

Writing

Jen is a horrible writer. For one thing, she seems unable to grasp the fact that, unlike in scripts, one should not put vocalizations such as 'sigh' and 'grumble, grumble' in the freaking dialogue. In addition, her writing is often very redundant, with such gems as, "It was a warm spring night and night had just arrived," and, "The morning sickness hit when I got up in the morning." She also doesn't understand the use of the vocative case (or basic comma-use in general), and she constantly mixes up homophones and similar-sounding words. Some good examples of this are 'threw' with 'through,' 'your' with 'you're,' 'manor' with 'manner,' 'fowl' with 'foul,' 'bread' with 'breed,' and most lulzy of all, 'minuet' with 'minute.' She also spells 'so' as 'soo' and has no idea how to use quotation marks, opening and closing them when there's no need to and encasing them around stuff for no fucking reason.

Jen's ideal living situation is also quite chauvinistic and anti-feminist (proving that, as insane as Jen is, she at least knows her place), and Link is often quite controlling and indifferent to his wife's opinions. Additionally, Jen is very detached from reality. She seems to think that, since her fic is set in a fantasy world, basic logic and limitations need not apply. For example, Jenna's wagon is able to contain much more than a normal, horse-pulling-sized wagon possibly could, indoor plumbing exists despite The Legend of Zelda's middle-ages setting, Link and Jenna have a 21st-century-styled wedding, Link and Jenna's first son, Link Jr., can do math at four months old, Link is able to erect and climax three times in only a few minutes, and Jenna drinks, participates in fights and has lots of heavy sex while pregnant with no damage to the fetus. Also, for some reason, Link and Jenna are constantly booting their horses in the legs to make them go, rather than squeezing them gently in the ribs like normal people.

On another note, Jen constantly shows her utter ignorance for the Zelda universe, despite claiming to be a huge fan of the series. Aside from the utter fail she shows with the Master Sword and Temple of Time's functions, she thinks that blue rupees are worth ten green ones, rather than five and that there is more than one Kokiri Sword. She also constantly messes up characters' names - most notably, calling the King of Hyrule 'King Zelda' and Ganondorf 'Gannondorf.' Plus, Link builds a house for himself and Jenna in the Lost Woods, despite an NPC clearly stating in-game that any Hylian who stays in the Lost Woods for too long will turn into a monster. Perhaps if Jen spent less time thinking about boning a bunch of primitive polygons and more time playing the actual games, she would know more about the Zelda universe.

Sex Scenes

If you thought My Immortal had bad sex scenes, you haven't seen anything yet. As bad as My Immortal was, its smut was at least written by a dyslexic illiterate, so it was hard to take it too seriously. Jen, on the other hand, despite not having a grasp on basic grammar and punctuation (and being insane), is still coherent enough to scar her readers immensely when she writes smut. In fact, her sex scenes are the most well-written parts of the entire fic (which isn't saying much, since they also suck), almost as if the author didn't care about her plot, setting or characters and just wanted to write wank-fests for herself before deciding to inflict it on everyone else.

As previously mentioned, Jen is very fond of using tiger metaphors while ~~she~~ Jenna and Link are fucking, with such phrases as, "...as I cried out loudly like a tiger in heat," "...grunting like a female tiger to urge him on," and, "...crying like tigers mating as we came to a full climax and exploded together one last time." As an interesting piece of trivia, the word 'tiger' appears fifteen times in all the sex-scenes combined. In fact, the above three examples all appear within the space of two short paragraphs. Redundancy is awesome. Though, to be fair, it's probably difficult to think of creative metaphors for sex while you're masturbating. Jenna also frequently digs her nails into Link's back and makes him bleed during sex.

In one scene, Jenna sucks Link off until he orgasms, then, not three short sentences later, Link is able to become erect again and fuck her. Then, after coming a second time, Link proceeds to fuck Jenna again two sentences later. Either Link is some kind of sex god, or Jen has no freaking idea how the male retraction period works. Jenna also excretes far too much liquid for a woman when she orgasms, often 'gushing' down Link's leg. It gets to the point where it's a wonder (and a shame) Jenna doesn't get dehydrated and/or die, since she obviously has some serious health problems... much like the author.

Characters

Jen mangles every canon character that appears in her fic (if they're given enough screen time), and the few original characters she brings in have next to no personality at all (much like the author, amirite?).

Jenna Silverblade

Jen's self-insert who gets married to Link after knowing him for two months. She proceeds to have lots of tiger-sex with him that we have to suffer through. Before she met Link, Jenna was a traveling merchant who visited Hyrule once a year to sell her shit. And for some reason, Jenna's sales wagon is able to comfortably contain a bath with an indoor plumbing system, a full-length mirror, a wardrobe and sleeping quarters in addition to all her sellable shit. Because of this, many believe Jenna's merchant's wagon is actually The Doctor's tardis. Also, despite being a close friend of Hyrule's royal family and being thought of as a second daughter by the king of Hyrule, Jenna still has to make her own living for some reason. You'd think the royal family would've invited someone they were supposedly so close to into their own house.

Upon seeing Jenna, Link falls instantly in love with her just because, and after sticking his hand into her cunt and fucking her, asks her to stay in Hyrule and marry him. At first, Jenna doesn't want to stay in Hyrule because she doesn't want to let down all the other kingdoms who rely on her ~~whoring~~ sales, but a page or so later she forgets about all the people counting on her and happily accepts Link's request. After that, Link and Jenna go on a honeymoon, fuck several times, build a house in the Lost Woods (because that's such a great place to live), fuck several times, partake in a ceremony that involves fucking several times and drinking each other's piss, fuck several times, fight Dark Link - during which time Jenna discovers she's a descendant of a powerful, almost-extinct race known as the Silverlites - fuck several times, have a baby, fuck several times, meet a gryphon or some shit, fuck several times, etc., etc. TL;DR: It's utter shit.

Character-wise, Jenna is described as beautiful, special, and as she herself points out, compassionate. She's also a huge sex-addict who jumps on Link's fictional disco stick whenever she gets the chance. She is at least a good wife though, in that she knows her place. Jenna is very skilled with a bow, as well as with some stupid, made up weapon called phoenix circles. Every canon character is either hopelessly enraptured by her beauty and awesomeness or else goes out of their way to make sure she's happy. In addition, Jenna, being a Silverlight, inherited her parents' control over the elements. She was also born with some of her own powers, so she didn't have to actually do any work or hard training to become so powerful. She also has 'cat-like' instincts, which may explain why she constantly grunts like 'a tiger in heat' while fucking Link. If you haven't figured it out yet, Jenna's a fucking Mary Sue.

Link Silverblade

Wielder of the Triforce of Courage. Link falls in love with Jenna right after meeting her because she's beautiful, and after the two have premarital sex, he marries her and impregnates her several times. Then he builds a house in the Lost Woods for some reason, possibly because he wants to turn into a monster so he won't have to deal with Jenna anymore. Then he and Jenna drink each other's piss and become bonded.

Unlike Jenna, Link at least has a fucking job. He's the captain of King Zelda's fleet, which Jen might have realized is not that impressive if she'd known anything about history. He goes away to war for several months at one point, but since Jen glosses over this in literally only a few paragraphs, it's not that noteworthy. Another interesting thing about Link is that, despite having previously saved Hyrule from certain destruction almost singlehandedly, he is almost always pushed aside and/or made helpless so Jenna can shine. He's also pretty sexist, never listening to Jenna and manipulating her into doing things she doesn't want to do. Oh, and Jen gave him a last name, Silverblade. Creative.

Sue babies: Link Jr., Elyesia, Roan and Reena

Link Jr. is Link and Jenna's first Sue baby. Link named him after himself because he's an arrogant asshole. Jenna becomes pregnant with him shortly after she and Link marry, and under the advisement of Zelda's healer, has lots and lots of sex with Link during her pregnancy in order to make the fetus stronger. Link Jr.'s birth does at least cause Jenna pain, which in addition to being very enjoyable to read, is actually halfway realistic. I say halfway because the birth only takes, like, five minutes, and there's no mention of an umbilical cord or placenta. The Sue baby's birth is, of course, made much of by King Zelda and all of Hyrule. Zelda and all the others sages bestow gifts such as friendship and courage upon the baby at a huge naming ceremony, which everyone in Hyrule is forced to attend.

Either because Jen has no idea how real babies work or because the Sue baby is just that special, Link Jr. is a truly exceptional (and unrealistic) baby. He rarely cries in the night, there's no mention of him pissing or shitting over people while they hold him, he giggles and plays with butterflies instead of crying and bitching the way babies do, and he is able to repeat words and do basic math at four months old, despite babies not developing any logic skills until at least nine months of age. Link Jr.'s math skills are particularly impressive when you consider the fact that Jenna drank while she was pregnant, which usually results in your baby being a retard, not a genius. Despite his epic skillz however, Link Jr. is pretty useless to the plot. He really only exists so people can marvel at what good parents Link and Jenna are, even though they frequently send Link Jr. away so they can fuck.

Jenna becomes pregnant again shortly after Link Jr. is born (not surprising with all the tiger-sex she and Link have), though Jen sadly ended her fic before the baby could be born. She drank during that pregnancy too (Mother of the Year, amirite?), but it probably wouldn't have had any effect, unless alcohol does make babies geniuses in this fic, since it's pretty obvious that Jenna's second child would have been just as unrealistically smart as Link Jr. It's also mentioned in the author's notes that Jenna eventually gives birth to twins, her and Link's third and fourth kids, so it's safe to assume there was more tiger-sex planned.

Actually, Jen wrote this other craptastic fic in which Jenna turns into some God and kills ~~Ganondorf~~ Gannondorf, and we get to see Link and Jenna's other children as kids. Oh, joy. The second kid is a girl called Elyesia (honestly, it's a miracle it wasn't called Jenna Jr.) and is two years younger than Link Jr.. The twins are a boy called Roan and a girl called Reena, who are about seven years younger than Link Jr. and five years younger than Elyesia. However, since no one believes for a second that Link and Jenna actually went without fucking for five whole years, there were probably a couple of miscarriages too. Either that or Link became sterile. Or maybe they bought some Deku Condoms or something. Who cares? Oh, and the kids are all really brave, smart, caring and are excellent fighters. Are we even surprised?

Fairies: Navi, Lilly and Aria

Navi (yeah, the most annoying canon character in the Zelda universe is brought back after Link finally managed to get rid of her) and Lilly are given to Link and Jenna respectively (shortly after they get married) by The Great Deku Tree. This is in order to protect them in case Gannondorf returns, but Link and Jenna treat their fairies more like servants and disposable decoys than anything else. The fairies act unbearably annoying and helpful, though admittedly they aren't in the fic that much. The Great Deku Tree gives Aria to Link Jr. shortly after he's born (because every baby needs to know how to Z-target), and as impossible as it is to believe, Aria is even more useless to the plot than Navi and Lilly. In fact, she only has a couple of sentences of dialogue throughout the whole fic.

Horses: Epona, Star Dancer, Midnight Star and unnamed 'younglings'

Link and Jenna's horses. Epona, the only canon horse, is constantly put out of action from pregnancies so Jen's Sue horses can have the spotlight. Star Dancer is Jenna's horse and may possess extremely powerful abilities, as she is able to pull a wagon big enough to contain an entire living quarters by herself (assuming Jenna's wagon isn't really the tardis, which is unlikely). Midnight Star is a horse King Zelda was able to ~~breed~~ bread especially for Link and Jenna (since they're so close to the royal family and all). Link uses him when Epona is too pregnant to be of use (which is all the fucking time). He is also the father of Epona's 'younglings,' which Link and Jenna intend to give to their children when they have them.

Epona's first youngling is unnamed, but we can rightly deduce that it would've had a name just as stupid as the other original horses'. Her second youngling is yet to be born by the time the fic ends, but it can be safely assumed that Epona would've continued to be forced into bearing fouls until she died from internal bleeding.

Princess Zelda

Wielder of the Triforce of Wisdom. Princess Zelda is a good, dear friend of Jenna's (despite not even inviting Jenna to live with her in Hyrule Caslte or giving her any money so she can quit being a traveling merchant). Even though she and Link show obvious romantic interest for each other in canon, she is nothing more than a platonic friend to Link in this fic. Together with her father, she constantly goes out of her way to make Jenna happy, even giving her a cherished bracelet that belonged to her deceased mother and entrusting her with the Ocarina of Time. She is somewhat important to the 'plot,' but mostly only as someone Link and Jenna can talk with about what little action this fic has or to praise Jenna's Sue powers. Or to act as Link and Jenna's personal babysitter that they can turn to when they want to get their son out of the house so they can fuck. Before that, she bestows the gift of knowledge upon the baby at a huge naming ceremony, despite her known trait being wisdom (Impa bestows that one instead). She also helps Jenna control her Suey element powers. Although, since this only took, like, five minutes for Jenna to learn, that wasn't such a big deal.

King Zelda

Zelda's father, King ~~Hyrule~~ Zelda. He thinks of Jenna as a daughter (again, despite not inviting her to live with him and Zelda or giving her any money to support herself) and is always pampering the shit out of her. He spends a shit-load of money on an elaborate, 21st-century-styled wedding for Link and Jenna, gives them a summer cabin to fuck in for their honeymoon, promises he'll have Link brought back home during a war if Jenna gives birth to their son before he returns, and insists that all of Hyrule turns out for the naming ceremony of Link Jr. For some reason, the king also thinks of Link and Jenna as secondary heirs to the throne, even though he's not related to them at all. When he's awarding Link with a medal for his services in his army, King Zelda allows Jenna to stand beside him and be cheered for by all of Hyrule, even though she didn't participate in the war. King Zelda also speaks in 'old English,' and by old English I mean he misuses ye, thou and words like hath.

Impa

The Sage of Shadow. Zelda's caretaker and another good friend of Jenna's. Just like in the game, she doesn't get much screen time, despite being an important character. She praises Jenna's 'skills,' helps her get ready for her and Link's 21st-century-styled that takes place in a middle-ages-like setting, gives Link Jr. the gift of wisdom (even though Zelda is the one with the Triforce of Wisdom), and... That's about it, aside from being the occasional babysitter for Link Jr. when Zelda's too busy. For this fic though, that's actually quite generous, considering Impa isn't Jenna.

The Great Deku Tree

Another 'old English'-abusing twat. Although, one has to wonder how the Deku Sprout grew into a full-sized tree in only a few short months, since the original Deku Tree died seven years previously and its replacement was just a baby sprout by the time Ocarina of Time ended. It could be the magic of the forest, but more likely it's the result of Jen not knowing the Zelda universe beyond Link's 'hawtness.' He appears shortly after Link and Jenna's wedding, where he praises Jenna for being spiritual and beginning a vagabond's journey. He then gives Link and Jenna two fairies, Navi and Lilly, to protect them in case Gannondorf returns. He appears very briefly after Link Jr. is born to give him a fairy, Aria, for no reason other than that he's a Sue baby. It's never explained where he found Lilly and Aria though. Does he just have an endless supply of annoying fairies or something? He is also constantly slumbering when seen, clearly exhausted from all the energy it takes to break the laws of the Zelda canon.

Saria

The Sage of the Forest. Saria, despite arguably being Link's most obvious love interest in Ocarina of Time, is, like Zelda and Ruto, nothing more than a good friend of Link's in this fic. She also gets along very well with Jenna, going out of her way to seat Link and Jenna together at the night of the Spring Festival so they can get to know each other better (not that Jenna needed to know much about Link before she decided to spend the rest of her life with him). She, along with all the other sages, is forced by the king to attend Link and Jenna's wedding. Later, when Link and Jenna get fairies from the Great Deku Tree and Mido states that they have no reason to have them, Saria practically goes into a murderous rage over Mido's daring to question a Sue. She even calls Link and Jenna special, and she probably doesn't mean it in the same way we do.

Saria tends to and fetches Link and Jenna's horses whenever they visit, almost like she's their servant instead of their friend. Jenna also apparently spent a lot of time with Saria when Link was away at war, but we never got to see any of that because Jen can't bear to write more than a few paragraphs of her and Link apart. She notably calls Jenna 'Jen' at one point, probably ~~because Jen is a freaking moron who can't even pretend Jenna isn't a Mary Sue~~ as an affectionate nickname. Saria also bestows the gift of friendship upon Link Jr. at the naming ceremony, so with any luck Link Jr. won't grow up to be a total selfish, arrogant, sex-craving sociopath like his parents. She appears a few more times and does absolutely nothing when she does. Big surprise.

Mido

The apparent leader of the Kokiri. He's somewhat OoC in that he's very responsible and concerned for the wellbeing of his people, whereas in the game he appeared to be very childish and stubborn (though arguably he could've grown up in the ~~seven year-period while Link was sealed in the Sacred Realm~~ time-skip that happened when Link pulled the Master Sword). Jenna describes him as having a sense of humor, even though this was never shown in-game - or in the fic, for that matter. He's a bit of a Scary Sue later when he (rightly) points out that, since Link and Jenna aren't Kokiri, they shouldn't have fairies. Saria practically bites his dick off for daring to speak badly about Jen's self-insert though. Later, Mido apparently masters the art of duplicating items by use of a GameShark, since he's able to provide every Kokiri with a Kokiri Sword, despite there only being one in the game. Mido also has the somewhat memorable line of, "Grumble, grumble," and while this worked in-game since there wasn't really any other way to portray such sounds there, a fic does have... you know, narration. You should probably use it, Jen.

Princess Ruto

The Sage of Water. The only female character who still actually has feelings for Link in this fic, though that doesn't stop her from going out of her way to kiss Jenna's ass and make sure she's happy. Like all the other sages, she's forced by King Zelda to attend Link and Jenna's wedding (proving that King Zelda is an insensitive ass), but she makes a point to leave the wedding early. Mind you, this isn't because she's heartbroken from seeing her love interest marry someone else, it's to make a romantic meal for the married couple to enjoy on their honeymoon (which they don't even bother to finish before they start fucking, the ungrateful dicks). She leaves Jenna a note (which she signs, "Ruto the Water Sage") that praises Jenna for making Link happier than a canon, non-Mary Sue character could ever hope to. She urges them to bring their first baby to her when they have it so she can ~~rape~~ ~~murder~~ ~~eat~~ bless it. Ruto's out-of-character kindness moves Jenna so much, she actually spares a short paragraph being teary-eyed with gratitude which, for this fic, is fucking generous.

Ruto later attends the blessing ceremony for Link Jr., which Jenna expresses surprise at, even though Ruto specifically stated in her note that she wanted to see their baby. There, she bestows the gift of love upon the baby (which is lucky, because Link and Jenna are certainly incapable of loving anyone but themselves). Although, given that Ruto obviously wanted to bang Link in-game (and still wants to in this fic), the fact that she's the one to give the gift of love to Link Jr. is a bit creepy. She appears a bit later at Link and Jenna's house with the news that Dark Link somehow survived Link's beating in Ocarina of Time and is still hanging around in the Water Temple. Link and Jenna then set off (on Midnight Star and Star Dancer, because God forbid the canon horse should get any screen-time) to the Water Temple, leaving Ruto behind. As a very powerful sage, she'd obviously be of no help in such a quest.

When Link and Jenna return from their Sue adventure, Ruto is by the fire with Link Jr., which isn't creepy at all. She's allowed to stay the night in the house by the fire, with the fairies attending to her every need as if they're servants, rather than guardians. The next day, she suggests Link and Jenna go to Hyrule Castle and visit Zelda, which they do. While they're gone, Ruto ~~steals all their stuff,~~ leaves and isn't heard of for the rest of the fic.

Daurina

The Sage of Fire, ~~Darunia~~ Daurina. You can probably guess it by the fact that Jen couldn't even get his name right, but Daurina doesn't play much of a role in the 'plot.' He has no appearances aside from being Link's best man at his modern-styled wedding and bestowing the gift of power upon Link Jr. This is confusing, since it's ~~Ganondorf~~ Gannondorf who has the power trait, not ~~Darunia~~ Daurina, leading to the possibility that Daurina is really Gannondorf in disguise and/or that Jen's a fucking moron. He's completely disregarded after that.

Nabooru

The Sage of Spirit. Perhaps even more useless than Daurina, if you can believe it. She does nothing except attend Link and Jenna's wedding (because King Zelda forces her to) and give the gift of compassion to Link Jr. at the naming ceremony, because we all know how compassionate ~~Gerudos~~ Gerduos are. Although, growing up with parents like Link and Jenna, Link Jr. will need all the help in developing compassionate feelings he can get, since he's certainly not going to learn them form his parents. She also gets a brief mention near the end of the fic, preparing for the suspected war against Ariakas.

Rauru

The Sage of Light. Easily the most useless sage in the fic (which is saying a lot), Rauru is forced to attend Link and Jenna's wedding by King Zelda - even though he was never really shown as having the ability to leave the Sacred Realm in-game, being one of the original sages and all. But as we already know, Jen doesn't give a rat's ass about the Zelda canon, so it's not too surprising. He bestows the gift of courage upon Link Jr. at his naming ceremony, proving that he stole Link Sr.'s Triforce part when he wasn't looking, the bastard. Jenna also mentions that Zelda is 'almost as powerful' of a sage as Rauru, even though it is clearly shown in-game that she's the strongest (mind you, that's clearly a lie because women can't do anything right).

Malon

Malon is just as vital to this fic as she is to the plot of Ocarina of Time. In other words, she's fucking worthless. She sings at Link and Jenna's wedding, choosing the song Your Love Floats on The Wings of a Dove, which we can safely guess sounds just as stupid as its name. After that, she never appears or is mentioned again. Also, any hints of affection she showed towards Link in-game obviously would have been taken out in the fic, if she'd appeared for long enough.

Perrino

One of the king's guards. Jenna met him a few years before this shit-fest of a fic takes place. Although she refers to him as her friend, she treats him like her servant, even though she doesn't even live in Hyrule Castle. Every time he appears, he kisses Jenna's ass completely, even calling her 'Mistress Jenna.' He's about as important to the plot as he sounds.

Dalamar

Yes, this fic has griffins. Just when you thought it couldn't get any stupider... They live in the Black Mountains just north of Dragonmount, and they do not trust humans (though little evidence of this is actually shown in the fic). Dalamar, a member of the Griffin Council (which sounds incredibly stupid), is first seen when Link and Jenna are on a picnic with their fairies and son at Lake Hylia. Link hears him from across the lake and sends Navi and the other fairies to investigate (because they're disposable).

Jenna then heals an injured Dalamar, mostly to show off what a compassionate Mary Sue she is, and they go back to Hyrule Castle and drink tea. If you want a laugh, try to visualize a griffin picking up a tiny teacup and drinking from it. Dalamar explains that even though his race is peaceful, they're at war with this guy called Ariakas and the his army of ~~niggers~~ Dark Knights and ~~dragons~~ Draconians. So he, Link and Jenna go to his village to make an alliance with the Griffin Council or some shit. It's not important because it doesn't involve tiger-sex with Link and Jenna. Dalamar is also constantly telling everyone to make ~~haste~~ hast, probably so he can escape the story as soon as possible.

Unipegs

A combination of a unicorn and a Pegasus, hence the very creative name. Just about every rainbow-coated fantasy cliché applies to these things. They live in a mythical Rain Forest that only appears by the light of the full moon, are magical, can only be seen by someone with a pure heart who believes in them, will usually run from a human, will make all your dreams and prayers come true, etc. Despite being supposedly peaceful and non-war-like, the Unipegs are quick to team up with Zelda when war threatens Hyrule. Like many other characters in this nightmare, the Unipegs serve no purpose to the plot whatsoever.

Dark Link

A mini-boss that appeared in-game in the Water Temple who was commonly referred to as one of the hardest enemies in the history of The Legend of Zelda series, even though he could easily be defeated by spamming Din's Fire. Despite being utterly destroyed by Link in-game, Dark Link somehow survived. He continued to reside in the Water Temple, where he's seen by Princess Ruto, who informs Link and Jenna. The hero and his Sue journey to the Water Temple and are promptly knocked out, disarmed, tied up and placed in the middle of the temple by Dark Link. When they wake up, Dark Link reveals he's a bad villain by admitting that he's not sure what he's going to do with his prisoners (hell, the fact that he didn't just kill them while they were unconscious proves he's an idiot). However, he does hint that he plans to rape the beautiful Jenna.

After saying she doesn't want anything to do with Dark Link in that ~~manner~~ manor and spitting in his face, Jenna is bitch-slapped by Dark Link (which makes him a pretty awesome character by default). Dark Link then demonstrates his awesome villainous mind again by leaving Link and Jenna unattended with their confiscated weapons lying only a few feet away. Jenna's cat-like instincts kick in, and she's able to free herself and Link and reclaim their weapons. Dark Link also has a bad habbit of spouting horribly clichéd villainous lines. Seriously, a five year-old could come up with better shit than him. Despite his terrible clichés however, Dark Link is still a very awesome character because he beats the shit out of Jenna several times and causes her a lot of pain, though ultimately he's no match for her Sue powers.

Ariakas and the his Dark Knights and Draconians

The would-be main villains of the fic, but Jen ended the story before they got much screen-time. Given her awful track record, Ariakas probably would've been just as badly written as every other villain in the story. Ariakas' Dark Knights are at war with the Griffins for some reason. With their Draconians (Jenna's special version of Dragons), several of them attack Link, Jenna and Dalamar on their way to the griffin village. Jenna kills them, obviously. Ariakas himself appears as a dark shadow and almost manages to kill Link, Jenna and their kid, but he fails because Jenna is amazing in every way and cannot be killed. No, the fact that Link, the hero who defeated the king of evil, was there had nothing to do with it.

Gannondorf

Wielder of the Triforce of Power, ~~Ganondorf~~ Gannondorf. He was king of a sand nigger race that, besides him, consisted only of women. Because he was a homo in denial though, he left his home to go pursue world domination. He got his ass handed to him by Link before the events of this fic, but even so he's always being mentioned, and it's heavily implied that he may someday return to Hyrule. Jen constantly misspells his name because she's a fucking idiot.

In Jen's godawful one-shot, Gannondorf returns and tries to murder Link's family. Take note that Jenna, Zelda and the six sages are nearby when he's doing this, yet none of them rush to Link's aid, for some reason. Jen writes Gannondorf as badly and clichédly as she does Dark Link, and just like Dark Link, Jenna soon saves the day by killing Gannondorf with little effort.

Audiobook

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There are 42 of these videos. Go ahead, nobody has to know.

My Inner Life: The Drinking Game

If you're planning on killing yourself for some reason (maybe your parents took away your xBox 360 or something), a particularly lulzy way of doing it would be finding a few bottles of 75%-level (or higher) alcohol and seeing how far you can get with the My Inner Life drinking game. You're probably not going to get past chapter 3, but it doesn't hurt to try, right?

Take a shot every time there's a sex-scene.
Take a shot every time you come across an unnecessary Triforce symbol.
Take a shot every time a canon name is misspelled.
Take a shot every time there's a contradiction of Zelda canon.
Take a shot every time a character goes out of their way to help Jenna in some way.
Take a shot every time someone boots the horses in the legs.
Take a shot every time someone takes Link and Jenna's horses to a stable.
Take a shot every time you come across the words 'ecstasy,' 'bliss' or 'pleasure.'
Take a shot every time you come across the phrase 'heavenly naked body.'
Take a shot every time the words 'shock' or 'concern' modify a dialogue tag.
Take a shot every time a line of dialogue is sneered.
Take a shot every time someone's eyes grow as big as saucers.
Take a shot every time someone's face goes white as a sheet.
Take a shot every time there's a reference to Link's eyes.
Take a shot every time Jenna's 'cat-like instincts' are mentioned.
Take a shot every time there's a reference to cats or tigers in a sexual capacity.
Take a shot every time there's a needlessly complicated substitute for the words 'penis' or 'vagina' (such as 'member,' 'swollen organ,' 'flower' 'or 'mound').
Take a shot every time 'Goddesses' is used as an expletive or exclamation (such as 'Oh my Goddesses!').
Take a shot every time Jenna refers to Zelda or her father as her good friends, either in dialogue or in narration.
Take a shot every time Jenna hugs Zelda or her father.
Take a shot every time Link Jr. (both before and after he is born) is referred to as a miracle.
Take a shot every time Link Jr. giggles.
Take a shot every time you come across the word 'hast' in place of 'haste.'
Take a shot every time you come across the word 'Hugh' in place of 'huge.'
Take a shot every time you come across the word 'soo' in place of 'so.'
Take a shot every time you come across the word 'threw' in place of 'through.'
Take a shot every time you come across the word 'minuet' in place of 'minute.'

If you're not dead by the end of the fic, you either didn't do it all in one sitting, or you cheated. Go back to the beginning and try again.

Gallery

Artist's depiction of Link.
He's got candy.
Artist's depiction of Jenna.

Quotes

	“	IF ALL US HERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ADULTS, WELL THEN, LETS CONDUCTIVE OURSELVES LIKE ADULTS AND NOT LIKE LITTLE KIDS!	„
	—Jen, abusing the caps-lock key, failing at grammar, and apparently forgetting that The Legend of Zelda series was made for little kids

	“	You cannot just act childish when you come across something that you DO NOT approve of.	„
	—Jen, on hypocrisy

	“	"My name is Jenna, I'm a traveling merchant from the Great Lebian Coast." "My village is there." "I have been a friend of the Royal Family for a long time." "And I come every year for Hyrule's annual Spring Festival."	„
	—Jen, not knowing how the fuck to use quotation marks

	“	His eyes were like looking down into deep blue pools of water. His lips firm. His ears long and sexy. Beautiful blond hair that parted in the middle. And his body was so tight and muscular that it took my breath away.	„
	—Fap, fap, fap

	“	There was a great abundance of food to eat.	„
	—Jenna, telling us what people do with food

	“	He gently brushed his hand across the lips of my mound and I groaned to tell him to continue. Slowly his fingers probed around the inside of my flower, sending strange new pleasurable feelings cursing threw my body. I moaned louder as his fingers caressed the inside of my mound, moving in a slow up and down motion. Then his fingers brushed against my clit, and I screamed out as a pulse of pure ecstasy raced threw me. I grabbed his hand and pulled it closer, telling him that I wanted more. Taking the hint, he teased me, as his hand brushed across my clit every few strokes. My body shuddered under his touch as my soft moans turned into cries of pleasure and pure ecstasy. As Link's fingers teased and caressed my mound, his fingers moved down until they brushed over the entrance. Slowly Link inserted a finger, slipping it into the wetness probing me inside, causing animal like cries to pass my lips. Then I arced my back and screamed in pure ecstasy as he begun to thrust his broad fingers deep inside my hot wetness.	„
	—Basically the entire 'plot' of this fic

	“	There was a "Just Married" sign tied to the saddle over Epona's behind.	„
	—No comment

	“	Painting from the intense experience I got up and looked into his eyes, and knew what he wanted.	„
	—Jenna, on manual labor

	“	"And one piece of advice on a personal note, if you and your husband make love a lot while your pregnant, you'll help make the baby stronger."	„
	—Yyyup

	“	The morning sickness hit when I got up in the morning.	„
	—Jenna, explaining to us when morning sickness occurs

	“	I nodded that I was ready and we were handed two small cups and told we had to urinate in it. It was hard to do what was requested, but as I did what I had to do a small feeling of uneasiness tingled inside me. When I sat back down, Link had already finished and placed his cup down in front of him. I then placed mine down in front of me and waited for what to do next. The head monk said a few words then we were told to exchange the cups and drink from them. Link went first and I watched as his face twisted slightly as he drank from the cup. Then I took my cup, slowly lifted it to my lips, and crinkled my nose as I drank from it. A sour taste was left behind after I finished.	„
	—This really happens in the fic. The most creepy thing is that Jen somehow knows how urine tastes

	“	Then we had a small celebration to celebrate Link's return home.	„
	—Jenna, telling us how a celebration works

	“	We had a small feast, then we danced and drank.	„
	—Take note that Jenna is pregnant during this

	“	I peered into the mug before lifting it to my lips and drinking the concoction that was within it. Lowering the mug back to the table I smiled at Link. "Mmm…you were right love, this stuff is great." I said pleasantly. We just sat there and reveled in the Griffin Spice, drinking the entire jug then calling for seconds. Soon after, we were falling slouched in our chairs, the ale had gone to our heads.	„
	—And this

	“	"I'm pushing......as hard as I can,...DAMNIT!" I screamed. "Princess, do you see the head yet." "No, not yet!" Zelda cried. "Damnit....GIVE....me something, LINK...you did this to....me!" "DAMNIT.....get this thing....out of me....NOW!" I cried as the pain got worse. I started to curse as the pain became more intense. "Damn YOU...Link!" I screamed as I looked up at him.(but afterwards I told him I was sorry.)	„
	—Jenna, giving birth to her first Sue baby

	“	"You're right, I smell something fowl."	„
	—Jenna, using her 'cat-like instincts' to smell a bird

	“	"I want nothing to do with YOU in that manor!" I cried as I spat in his face.	„
	—Jenna, ~~demanding to be raped in a different building~~ saying she doesn't want to be raped

	“	With another sinister laugh, he grabbed me by the tunic and threw me across the room, sending me flying across the water and into the twisted tree. With a loud thud, I fell to the ground, stunned and hurt.	„
	—One of the more enjoyable scenes in the fic

	“	"Nothing has happened that I remember, only thing is when my parents died when I was a little girl." I returned solemnly.	„
	—Just in case you had any doubts that Jenna is a Mary Sue

	“	"I will have Tara show you to your room." The Griffin added, a slight grin upon her beaked face. After a minute, the cream colored Griffin we saw earlier emerged from the kitchen, a soft smile upon her beaked face. "Come, I will show you to your room." She said as she turned and started heading up the stairs.	„
	—Tara's unintentional cameo in this terrible fanfic

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Links

kelticdragon - Yes, she has a deviantART. She barely gets on it though.
A shrine dedicated to Link's Queen, showing all her godawful 'stories' and her arguments on LiveJournal with little kids.
The suicide-inducing fanfic.
The TV Tropes page.
A Wiki dedicated to the masterpiece.
A dramatic reading of the torture.

My Inner Life is part of a series on

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[...and then there was a gay orgy.It was a dark and stormy night...]

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My Inner Life: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 01:35, 18 April 2015

Contents

'Plot'

Writing

Sex Scenes