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{{boring}}
[[File:Smyth.jpg|thumb|right|<s>Alfred E. Neuman</s><br>Sylvester P. Smythe was Cracked Magazine's mascot for many years until the Internets happened.]]
{{pixplz}}
[[File:Cracked1958.png|link=|center]]
[[File:Cracked1958.png|center]]
[[File:Cracked.jpg|thumb|right|From frats to twats]]
Once upon a time, Cracked was a magazine that competed with Mad Magazine for the honor of being the top glorified comic book. The editors and owners of Mad Magazine had a difficult time adapting to the series of [[series of tubes|tubes]] we now call our [[internet]]s. Cracked's magazine tanked after some [[faggot]] that history won't remember [[fail|attempted]] to poison some people with anthrax. Their website continued on and they shifted focus towards building a "comedy" website aimed at very immature women, [[Nigger|black people]], [[Transgender]] people, and anyone else who isn't a [[Privilege|young, white, male who must be a sexist, racist gamer because Cracked said so]], anyone with an appreciation for [[cock|dick]] jokes, pointless comment flame wars, and 50% off cheap Chinese knock offs while finding tall people to fuck.
[[File:Cracked addicted to cp.png|thumb|Typical cracked article]]
'''Cracked.com''' is an unfunny MAD Magazine ripoff that, after years of declining readership, made a few attempts at changing from ripping off more successful humor magazines to ripping off more successful men's magazines before giving up, shutting down and "moving to an online format" (Read: Giving up but still not being able to just let it go) which it is now repeating the same pattern.
 
Ever since its conception, Cracked has been nothing more but a wretched hive of complete dickass white nerd snark fuckery with''''' 'TUDE''''', complete with a collection of [[clickbait]] list articles, frat boy wannabe "mandom philosophy" garbage about how humans need to evolve to shit pizza and piss beer, "self aware" pedantic myopia with a side of ass to mouth know it all smugness, and manchild levels of "look at the freak" attention whoring that has not been funny <s>for years</s> ever to anyone with even a neuron of brain matter. If future society ever wants to know what killed America, we at ED can recommend them excavating Cracked.com for doing that.
 
Many say that since Gamergate, Cracked has sunk to a new low with its recent attempts to try and turn back time to when anyone cared about them by catering to the [[SJW]] crowd instead of just cutting their losses and closing up shop, but truth has always remained, nice, long and hard- It's always been at the bottom of the septic tank. This place has more self pitying hypocrite dick size frustrated geeks of such self righteous indulgence and white knighting that it's practically the suckling fountain wellspring for fatheaded atheists and ego seeking hobby abusing socially inept cringe inducing nerds that attempt to play dress up with the man pants, testosterone highs, and 50 caliber guns.


==Content==
==Content==
Much of [[unfunny|Cracked's content]] is generated by its members though it is overseen by editors. Some of these contributors would not know comedy if it was sodomizing their virgin ass. But that's alright, because periodically there is some shit that is hilarious, albeit unintentionally. It's sort of like jacking off, you don't know when you'll cum (28 seconds) but it'll feel good until you get there. Depending on how deeply the dildo is lodged in your ass.  It is worth noting that Cracked has become condescending, tame, and [[unfunny]] as of 2010, instead choosing to pander to the [[You|lowest common denominator]] of humor. Their [[faggot|writers]] would rather poke fun at such easy targets as [[gay|hipsters]], [[hippy|hippies]] and [[conspiracy theory|conspiracy theorists]] than saying anything truly edgy [[fail|at the risk of (god forbid) offending anyone and losing precious ad revenue]].
[[File:CWC Offended.png|thumb|right|[[TL;DR|Summary]] of [[BAWWWWWW|every ''Cracked'' article since 2014]]]]
 
Much of [[unfunny|Cracked's content]] was generated by its members straight on their flies and out their asses out of the use of smug and complacent "manly White Man/First World self aware superiority and exception". The title of editor also is just a front for the guy who helps supply beer and cocaine to help fuel their loose cannon writing and is simply a yes man. Ironically, you could give a roomful of monkeys the same logistics and you would get a better result over 9000 fold. These contributors would not know comedy if it was sodomizing their virgin ass. But that's alright, because periodically there was some shit that happened to be hilarious, albeit unintentionally. It's sort of like jacking off, you don't know when you'll cum (28 seconds) but it'll feel good until you get there.  
 
It is worth noting that Cracked is condescending, tame, and [[unfunny]], instead choosing to pander to the [[You|lowest common denominator]] of humor, including using stereotypes as facts and focusing on "normalfags" and likeminded immature men wannabees. Their [[faggot|writers]] would rather poke fun at such easy targets as [[gay|hipsters]], [[hippy|hippies]], "weird" things like god forbid, different cultures a border away, anything that doesn't fuel their "cool self aware image", and [[conspiracy theory|conspiracy theorists]], rather than saying anything truly edgy [[fail|at the risk of (god forbid) offending anyone and losing precious ad revenue]]. In return, all of this shit is so passive aggressively two faced and backassed that it feels like it's facetious and pussyfooting that it only appeals to likeminded douchebags.
===Numbered Lists===
===Numbered Lists===
Numbered lists are one of the two main sources "entertainment" that Cracked provides us. Said numbered lists are given in no real order, instead serving as break-points for the [[ADHD]] addled readers of the e-publication. The comments sections of said lists are usually full of circle-jerking, bitching, or spam-botting. Though some readers tend to follow the website daily for updates, [[fail|they somehow missed the memo that lists are not given in any particular order.]]
Numbered lists are one of the two main sources "entertainment" that Cracked provides us. Said numbered lists are given in no real order, instead serving as break-points for the [[ADHD]] addled readers of the e-publication. The comments sections of said lists are equally ADHD addled, but more on that later. Despite the fact that some readers tend to follow the website daily for updates, [[fail|they somehow missed the memo that lists are not given in any particular order.]]


===Video Content===
===Video Content===
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===Topics===
===Topics===
Cracked Topics are pretty much a complete and total waste of fucking time. The premise was a good idea; short [[Wikipedia]]-like entries for a few quick laughs and done in an easy format so [[retard]]s that can't write could contribute. The problem is the [[retard]]s that can't write that contribute. For every 50 Topics that are submitted, 1 of them is bearable. Normally, you simply end up with graphs and flowcharts that attempt to make amusing quips and observations. Most of the time, these sections are worth skipping.
Cracked Topics are pretty much a complete and total waste of fucking time. The premise was a good idea; short [[Wikipedia]]-like entries for a few quick laughs and done in an easy format so [[retard]]s that can't write could contribute. The problem is the [[retard]]s that can't write that contribute. By the end of 2010, Cracked ran completely out of topics for articles, but did that stop them? Hell no, it just made them try to pump out more shit. What used to be two articles, and a blog a day, and one weekly craption or photoplasty contest, turned into four shit articles, a pretentious unfunny blog, and daily horribly unfunny photoplasty contest with shit topics. For every 50 Topics that are submitted, 1 of them is bearable, and an ungodly majority of these articles are about World War Two (never showing Nazis in a positive light, because that would be offensive), and about shit you already knew. Normally, you simply end up with graphs and flowcharts that attempt to make amusing quips and observations. Most of the time, these sections are worth skipping. [http://www.cracked.com/funny-3956-chris-chan/ Here] is an example of a topic, regarding a [[Chris-Chan|subject]] that us EDiots know and love.
 
====Titles====
For a very long time now, Cracked has baited people into reading these articles, by blowing every fucking title out of proportion, no matter how mundane the topic. These titles are as if they are written by a 90's manchild, stuck in a 2007 infinite time loop, as all of them are EXTREME!
 
'''Examples'''
 
*5 '''Shocking''' Things You Didn't Know About Taxes
 
*7 '''Horrendous''' Ways People Store Their Food
 
*4 '''Hysterical''' Incidents Of People Forgetting To Set Their Alarm
 
*6 '''Weird''' Japanese Things That Are Weird Because Of It Being Japanese (Japanese Are Weird Backwards People Aren't They Weird It's So Weird readourshititssointerestingndweird)
 
*12 '''Humongous''' objects that you won't believe we can shove into our editors' assholes!
 
*6 '''Insane Places''' You Should Go To On Vacation
 
*9 '''Appalling'''  Ways Air is Racist
 
*5 '''Shocking''' Ways People Keep Making Technology Racist (that wasn't parody, that's the [http://www.cracked.com/article_24934_5-ways-technology-can-unintentionally-become-racist.html actual article])
 
*5 '''Disturbing''' ways Donald Trump is worse than Hitler, the Antichrist and Satan. (most recent) 
 
* Why *insert movie villain from a movie everyone stopped giving a shit about [[100 years ago|ages ago]]* is actually the good guy
 
* Why this 90's movie is secretly about child molestation, slavery or the holocaust.
 
* How *insert popular movie franchise* ruined movies [[ALL CAPS|FOREVER]]


===Comics===
===Comics===
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</gallery>}}<br>
</gallery>}}<br>


==14 Bloggers You Wouldn't Want Your Children to Meet==
==14 ''Terrible'' Bloggers You Wouldn't Want Your Children to Meet==
The [[bloggers]] of Cracked are where one typically will look for funny. Most of the bloggers offer up a warped persona so that the basement-dwelling denizens of the comments section can have someone to relate to. Unless you're Cody, who everyone seems to simply want to crucify. Thus making him an [[epic]] troll; since he is getting paid to produce work that does little other than piss people the fuck off. Visit any one of his articles (and most videos) and you can be privy to the death threats and hatred for his humor and writing style.
The [[bloggers]] of Cracked are where one typically will look for funny. Most of the bloggers offer up a warped persona so that the basement-dwelling denizens of the comments section can have someone to relate to. Unless you're Cody, who everyone seems to simply want to crucify. Thus making him an [[epic]] troll; since he is getting paid to produce work that does little other than piss people the fuck off. Visit any one of his articles (and most videos) and you can be privy to the death threats and hatred for his humor and writing style.
[[File:Seanbaby.png|thumb|Does something smell like AXE?]]
[[File:Madcracked.jpg|thumb|right|300px|[[MAD magazine|Oops, wrong picture.]]]]
<ol>
<ol>
<li value="14">'''Felix Clay''': Crazy-ass motherfucker. It is a known fact that he eats [[Your_mom|anything]] and everything, from cum-stained sweets to flavored condoms. No, [http://www.cracked.com/blog/9-things-you-can-eat-when-youre-hungry-at-porn-store/ seriously.] He has also [[buttsex|took it up the ass]] by [[Daddy|fat men]] at orgies. [http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-hilarious-things-i-learned-about-orgies-by-going-to-one/ Again, this is not a joke.] His final article may be entitled "1 Reason Why I Learnt [[do it faggot|You Shouldn't]] Make a Cocktail From [[Bleach]] and [[Autistic|Caustic]] Lye."
<li value="14">'''Felix Clay''': Crazy-ass motherfucker. It is a known fact that he eats [[Your_mom|anything]] and everything, from cum-stained sweets to flavored condoms. No, [http://www.cracked.com/blog/9-things-you-can-eat-when-youre-hungry-at-porn-store/ seriously.] He has also [[buttsex|took it up the ass]] by [[Daddy|fat men]] at orgies. [http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-hilarious-things-i-learned-about-orgies-by-going-to-one/ Again, this is not a joke.] His final article may be entitled "1 Reason Why I Learnt [[do it faggot|You Shouldn't]] Make a Cocktail From [[Bleach]] and [[Autistic|Caustic]] Lye."</li>
<li value="13">'''[[Asshole|Adam Todd Brown]]''': Used to be funny, [[Never|many moons ago.]] Only ever writes about the [[music]] industry. As of 2014, his writing has become too edgy for Cracked commenters to handle, and may be shown the door very soon. The two types of his articles can be summed up as:
<li value="13">'''[[Asshole|Adam Todd Brown]]''': Used to be funny, [[Never|many moons ago.]] Only ever writes about the [[music]] industry. As of 2014, his writing has become too edgy for Cracked commenters to handle, and may be shown the door very soon. The two types of his articles can be summed up as:
* Why I Hate Your Favorite Band By Adam Todd Brown
* [[Hipster|Why I Hate Shit That Everybody Likes By Adam Todd Brown]]
* Why I Like Shit That Everybody Hates By Adam Todd Brown
* [[Trying Too Hard|Why I Like Shit That Everybody Hates By Adam Todd Brown]]
And that's about it. Next columnist.</li>
And that's about it. Next columnist.</li>
<li value ="12">'''Winston Rowntree''': The [[newfag|newest]] addition to Cracked's regular [[faggots|columnists]], and was a fairly decent [[TomPreston|cartoonist]] before joining Cracked. His style of humor quickly ran out though, and has now degenerated into [[Feminazi|DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY!]] and [[Unoriginal|OH MY GOD, NICKELBACK SUCKS BALLS!]] It's ok though, because [[cartoons]]. (It's a proven [[fact]] that a typical [[idiot|Cracked reader]] has so short of an attention span, any drawing worth two cents will be enough to captivate them for the rest of the day).
<li value ="12">'''Winston Rowntree''': The [[newfag|newest]] addition to Cracked's regular [[faggots|columnists]], and was a fairly decent [[TomPreston|cartoonist]] before joining Cracked. His style of humor quickly ran out though, and has now degenerated into [[Feminazi|DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY!]] and [[Unoriginal|OH MY GOD, NICKELBACK SUCKS BALLS!]] It's ok though, because [[cartoons]]. (It's a proven [[fact]] that a typical [[idiot|Cracked reader]] has so short of an attention span, any drawing worth two cents will be enough to captivate them for the rest of the day).</li>
<li value="11">'''Christina Hendricks''': [[Unfunny]] [[azn]] that shares her name with a well known [[Whore|actress.]] Likes to tell you about her [[cat|cats.]] Was supposedly [[b&|fired]] from Cracked in early 2012, and one look at her writing tells you why. It should be noted that she [[BAW|really doesn't like]] being told how shit her writing is in the comment section, and her loyal rabid fanboys, fangirls and fantrans will be sure to let you hear about it.</li>
<li value="11">'''Christina Hendricks''': [[Unfunny]] [[azn]] that shares her name with a well known [[Whore|actress.]] Likes to tell you about her [[cat|cats.]] Was supposedly [[b&|fired]] from Cracked in early 2012, and one look at her writing tells you why. It should be noted that she [[BAW|really doesn't like]] being told how shit her writing is in the comment section, and her loyal rabid fanboys, fangirls and fantrans will be sure to let you hear about it.</li>
<li value="10">'''Dan O'Brien''': ''[[EDiot]]'s Note: This is NOT the British pedophile Dan O'Brien.'' DOB has been with Cracked for quite some time and serves as one of the members of the editorial team in addition to being a regular contributor. He blogs once a week and his range usually scopes from amusing misadventures to utterly mocking the more moronic facets of society at large. DOB is also the first and last winner of the weblog awards webLAME award webSTUPID award for jerks; presented to him after trolling weblog for not including him on the ballot for best blogger.</li>
<li value="10">'''Dan O'Brien''': ''[[EDiot]]'s Note: This is NOT the British pedophile Dan O'Brien.'' DOB has been with Cracked for quite some time and serves as one of the members of the editorial team in addition to being a regular contributor. He blogs once a week and his range usually scopes from amusing misadventures to utterly mocking the more moronic facets of society at large. DOB is also the first and last winner of the weblog awards webLAME award webSTUPID award for jerks; presented to him after trolling weblog for not including him on the ballot for best blogger.</li>
<li value="8">'''Michael Swaim''' is a blogger cum vlogger (lol; 'cum') with a [[Hipster|twisted sense of humor and a propensity for mocking the more stupid aspects of pop culture]]. His videos typically follow the same grain and make for some amusing material. His delivery always seems to be in the punch you in the face direct variety. But that's okay because S.ex W.ith A.ntelopes I.s M.erry.</li>
<li value="9">'''Michael Swaim''' is a blogger cum vlogger (lol; 'cum') with a [[Hipster|twisted sense of humor and a propensity for mocking the more stupid aspects of pop culture]]. His videos typically follow the same grain and make for some amusing material. His delivery always seems to be in the punch you in the face direct variety, but that's okay because S.ex W.ith A.ntelopes I.s M.erry.</li>
<li value="9">'''Robert Brockway''' fits the mold of most of the rest of the bloggers at Cracked as much as any of them. His writings tend to focus on peeling back the stupidity of different facets of society. His version of Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventures have endeared him to the community. Probably because most of the community are too busy to bother hot-railing back some fat rails of [[crystal meth]] and going on a multi-day adventure that usually ends in being locked up.<br />
<li value="8">'''Robert Brockway''' fits the mold of most of the rest of the bloggers at Cracked as much as any of them. His writings tend to focus on peeling back the stupidity of different facets of society. His version of Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventures have endeared him to the community, probably because most of the community are too busy to bother hot-railing back some fat rails of [[crystal meth]] and going on a multi-day adventure that usually ends in being locked up.<br />
Besides this he receives bribes to write about games that are actually shit. [http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-all-games-could-learn-from-saints-row-iv/ evidence 1] [http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-awesome-flaws-in-new-bioshock-game/ evidence 2]. Notice the fellatio he gives.</li>
Besides this he receives bribes to write about games that are actually shit ([http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-all-games-could-learn-from-saints-row-iv/ evidence 1] [http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-awesome-flaws-in-new-bioshock-game/ evidence 2]). Notice the fellatio he gives.</li>
<li value="7">'''[[douchebag|Soren Bowie]]''' surprised many of the readers of Cracked by [[bullshit|actually being pretty amusing]] in his writing even though he was playing the quietly psychotic retard angle of a personality. Which is basically what [[retard|everyone that contributes]] plays. Sort of like how the entirety of ED is convinced that [[Jews did 9/11]]. As of 2014, has degenerated into a [[meme]] of himself, with even the male commenters admitting that they'd [[buttsex|bend over]] for him.</li>
<li value="7">'''[[douchebag|Soren Bowie]]''' surprised many of the readers of Cracked by [[bullshit|actually being pretty amusing]] in his writing even though he was playing the quietly psychotic retard angle of a personality, which is basically what [[retard|everyone that contributes]] plays. Sort of like how the entirety of ED is convinced that [[Jews did 9/11]]. As of 2014, he has degenerated into a [[meme]] of himself, with even the male commenters admitting that they'd [[buttsex|bend over]] for him.</li>
<li value="5">'''Chris Bucholz''': The utter chaos that exists in Bucholz creative brain is something to behold. His articles are usually a combination of extremely conflicting topics that he somehow manages to bring together in an amusing fashion. Some of his writings are what the fuck'ish in nature, but that seems to be fairly in line with Cracked's policy of fucking with it's readers.</li>
<li value="6">'''Chris Bucholz''': The utter chaos that exists in Bucholz creative brain is something to behold. His articles are usually a combination of extremely conflicting topics that he somehow manages to bring together in an amusing fashion. Some of his writings are what the fuck'ish in nature, but that seems to be fairly in line with Cracked's policy of fucking with it's readers.</li>
<li value="6">'''[[Seanbaby]]''': You can find more information on [[Seanbaby]] at the link. To be noted is the popularity amongst the users of his 50's style comic book pages featuring such memorable characters as Dick Whiskey and Punch Master. Doesn't write jackshit anymore, although when he does it's usually quite [[Shit|humorous.]]</li>
[[File:Seanbaby.png|thumb|Does something smell like AXE?]]
<li value="4">'''Gladstone''': He hasn't contributed much to the site as of late, though did for a long time. Believed to be one of "those" [[Jews did WTC|that did 9/11]]. You know who I'm talking about.</p> [http://www.cracked.com/blog/3-reasons-there-are-so-many-jews-in-comedy Yup, he is "one of them".]
<li value="5">'''[[Seanbaby]]''': You can find more information on [[Seanbaby]] at the link. To be noted is the popularity amongst the users of his 50's style comic book pages featuring such memorable characters as Dick Whiskey and Punch Master. Doesn't write jackshit anymore, although when he does it's usually quite [[Shit|humorous.]]</li>
<li value="4">'''[[Unwarranted Self-Importance|Gladstone]]''': He hasn't contributed much to the site as of late, though did for a long time. Believed to be one of "those" [[Jews did WTC|that did 9/11]]. You know who I'm talking about. [http://www.cracked.com/blog/3-reasons-there-are-so-many-jews-in-comedy Yup, he is "one of them".]</li>
<li value="3">'''Cody''' is the proof that the upper management of Cracked are [[troll]]s of the greatest variety. Cody became a blogger shortly after the popularity of some of his videos shot him up. His Game Helpin' Squad videos are pretty entertaining for those of us no life losers who will understand obscure gaming practices. His blog posts are almost all terrible. His sense of humor seems to be nonexistent in them, so much so that it is just as likely that he is doing it on purpose for the [[lulz]]. Scroll down to the comments of his blog posts for all the creative death threats the 18-30 male demographic can muster.</li>
<li value="3">'''Cody''' is the proof that the upper management of Cracked are [[troll]]s of the greatest variety. Cody became a blogger shortly after the popularity of some of his videos shot him up. His Game Helpin' Squad videos are pretty entertaining for those of us no life losers who will understand obscure gaming practices. His blog posts are almost all terrible. His sense of humor seems to be nonexistent in them, so much so that it is just as likely that he is doing it on purpose for the [[lulz]]. Scroll down to the comments of his blog posts for all the creative death threats the 18-30 male demographic can muster.</li>
<li value="2">'''[[Internet Tough Guy|John Cheese]]''': Real name Mack Leighty; former columnist at Pointlesswasteoftime.com. He drank for your sins, stepped down to rehab, and now won't shut the fuck up about it. Much less funny, now that his [[Camwhore|drunken webcam capers]] have come to an end. He has recently become a preachy [[moralfag]] who, like the father he is, won't stop chewing his audience out to get off their asses and [[An hero|improve their pitiful lives]]. He was abused as a child by his [[Daddy]] as well, which, like his former drinking problem, he also won't shut the fuck up about. Lulz are frequent in his articles' comment sections, as everyone and anyone likes to mock his shit writing skills.</li>
<li value="2">'''[[Internet Tough Guy|John Cheese]]''': Real name [[Powerword|Mack Leighty]]; the fake name is a parody of John Cleese, somebody more funny than a hack like Leighty will ever be. Former columnist at Pointlesswasteoftime.com. He drank for your sins, stepped down to rehab, and now won't shut the fuck up about it. Much less amusing, now that his [[Camwhore|drunken webcam capers]] have come to an end. He has recently become a preachy [[moralfag]] who, like the father he is, won't stop chewing his audience out to get off their asses and [[An hero|improve their pitiful lives]]. He was abused as a child by his [[Daddy]] as well, which, like his former drinking problem, he also won't shut the fuck up about. Comes off like the one kid at school who tries to be more mature than everybody else and lets everybody else know how mature he thinks he is. Needs to <strike>stop writing articles about how to</strike> grow up. His quest for maturity led to him getting married [http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-5-reasons-marriage-scares-men-arent-what-you-think/?wa_user1=5&wa_user2=Sex&wa_user3=blog&wa_user4=companion|and then divorced] leaving his three children with a broken family. [[Schadenfreude|Lulz]] are frequent in his articles' comment sections, as everyone and anyone likes to mock his shit writing skills.</li>
<li value="1">'''David Wong''': Another holdover from [[Gay.com|PWOT]], with yet another fake name, this one being [[Powerword|Jason Pargin]]. whose horror-themed [[slash|fiction]] has garnered intense interest on the Web. One of his rape stories has been adapted into a feature film starring [[God|Paul Giamatti]].</li>
<li value="1">'''David Wong''': Another holdover from [[Gay.com|PWOT]], with yet another fake name, this one being [[Powerword|Jason Pargin]]. whose horror-themed [[slash|fiction]] has garnered intense interest on the Web. One of his rape stories has been adapted into a feature film starring [[God|Paul Giamatti]].</li>
</ol>
</ol>
==Drama==
==Drama==
[[Image:Majorcitiesdestroyed.jpg|thumb|WE WANT YOUR BLOOD!]]
[[Image:Majorcitiesdestroyed.jpg|thumb|WE WANT YOUR BLOOD!]]
===The 5 Major Cities Most Likely to Be Spectacularly Destroyed===
On April 15th, 2013, an article was posted entitled "The 5 Major Cities Most Likely to Be Spectacularly Destroyed". The article was relatively non-noteworthy, until a few hours later, something rather [[Boston Marathon Bombing|significant]] went down in Boston. Despite the article being about NATURAL disasters and not [[terrorist|man]]-made ones, the article was [[Delete Fucking Everything|wiped clean]] and a message was put up in its place. This remained in place until the 17th. Quite rightly, the comment section went into a frenzy between [[moralfags]] who thought it was right to take the article down, and indignant readers who wanted to read the rest of the article [[lol|(some turned the page at the precise moment the article was took down.)]]
On April 15th, 2013, an article was posted entitled "The 5 Major Cities Most Likely to Be Spectacularly Destroyed". The article was relatively non-noteworthy, until a few hours later, something rather [[Boston Marathon Bombing|significant]] went down in Boston. Despite the article being about NATURAL disasters and not [[terrorist|man]]-made ones, the article was [[Delete Fucking Everything|wiped clean]] and a message was put up in its place. This remained in place until the 17th. Quite rightly, the comment section went into a frenzy between [[moralfags]] who thought it was right to take the article down, and indignant readers who wanted to read the rest of the article [[lol|(some turned the page at the precise moment the article was took down.)]]
===[[The Bloody Board]]===
[[File:Jamie Marsters.jpg|thumb|Which one the fuck she is?]]
In one article called "[http://www.cracked.com/article_18792_the-7-most-unintentionally-creepy-places-internet.html The 7 Most Unintentionally Creepy Places on the Internet]", Cracked decided to list just that. Among the list were [[Edarem]] and [[Kerry]], but the one that caught most of the internet's attention was [[The Bloody Board]]. An abandoned message board that was run and used by one user almost exclusively.
Over the course of a few years, the owner of this forum had amassed about 70,000 posts about [[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]] and her obvious desire to be fucked in the ass by Spike. Almost all threads were empty except for her posting and replying to herself.
At the sight of this, the epitome of patheticness, the internet raided the forum and forced it's owner into hiding.
{{clear}}
===SJW shilling The [[Zoe Quinn|Quinnspiracy]]===
{{achtung|BREAKING NEWS: According to Cracked.com admins gamers invented [[AIDS]]}}
[[File:Crackedban0.png|thumb|right|Three articles about how GamerGate is fake on the front page and there is a fourth one just off-screen]]
[[File:Stillgamergate1.jpg|thumb|right|Cracked's plan backfires as they start losing traffic more rapidly than before]]
In the wake of their plummeting pageview count, the owners of Cracked had to find a new way to get their hand on that sweet, sweet Jewgold. A solution was soon found and the site dropped all pretenses of not being a [[Libtard]] echo chamber and cranked it up all the way to 11 and into [[SJW]] territory.
Seeing as how social justice warriors were looking for some place other than tumblr that will tell them they aren't a bunch of losers, Cracked stepped up and the site was soon being flooded with more and more articles about trannies, feminism, social justice, how MRAs are a bunch of faggots that are angry because they can't get laid and how air is racist. After a couple of years, an opportunity arose to jump on the bandwagon on the newest hot-button issue, [[GamerGate]].
Cracked, like many websites, at first refused to report upon the [[Zoe Quinn]] scandal and outright deleted anyone's attempts to create a discussion. This is because in the wacky world of Cracked, it is impossible for a woman to do anything wrong and objectionable. Considering the main topics on Cracked are video games and SJWs, there was absolutely no way they had not heard of this and were simply pretending it didn't exist, a tactic employed by babies during a game of peekaboo.
Needless to say, they soon realized that they could not longer ignore the issue and found it better to go from avoiding the issue of Zoe to full-on doing PR for her and thereby profiting by pandering to their newly found readerbase. They soon wrote not one, not [http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/a-90-second-guide-to-determine-if-your-internet-cause-bs/ two], not [http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-ways-gamers-still-suck-at-dealing-with-women/ three], not  [http://www.cracked.com/video_19092_4-types-bullying-we-are-shockingly-ok-with.html four], not [http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-ways-gamergate-debate-has-made-world-worse/ Five (This one out right saying anyone against a social justice warrior is a bad guy)], But [http://www.cracked.com/article_22230_5-ugly-realities-being-woman-in-gaming-industry.html six fucking articles] about how GamerGate is shit and gamers are nerds (6.5 if you count [http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-everyone-gets-wrong-about-free-speech/ this one] which was so shit that [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/greg-lukianoff/7-things-cracked-got-wron_b_5888258.html?utm_hp_ref=tw The Huffington Post wrote a response to debunk it]), one of which [http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-i-learned-as-internets-most-hated-person/ was written by Zoe herself] and at its end [[Unrealistic Expectations|she declares GamerGate to be over]] as if that will magically make it true and get people to leave her alone.
All of this happened in the span of four days. They shat out an article on [[The Fappening]] before they even considered making an article on GamerGate, despite the latter being a pressing issue 3 weeks before. On the first day they published an article implicitly denouncing GamerGate, on the third they let Zoe write an article herself and use the site as a soapbox and on the fourth, after noticing a spike in traffic unlike their dying site has seen in years, wrote two more articles on the same day.
David Wong was quick to brag about how the Zoe article gained them tons of traffic (further illustrating how far they have fallen), and on the next day say that it seems that he has "lost the GamerGate's attention", not realizing that this loss of attention is a big chunk of what is left of his readership leaving him like rats escaping a sinking ship.
But don't go to the forum to try and talk to them about it because [http://the-senpai-police.tumblr.com/post/97674772174/so-cracked-com-let-zoe-quinn-write-an-article-about-how this will happen]:
<center>
{{frame|{{Template:scrollpic|Crackedban.png|600|400|'''No deviations from the groupthink prohibited'''}}|border=yellow|background=red}}
</center>
(guess who published a [https://archive.is/StppG sixth] [https://archive.is/59OIj article] about GamerGate? Not mention of AIDS in this one)
====Offering to Write Articles Under Other People's Names====
See that guy up there saying gamers cause AIDS? That's JF Sargent. You know what else he does? Offer people to write articles pretending to be them for [[clickbait]].
[[File:CRACKED2.jpg|link=|center]]
When some other guy was the center of some [[internet drama]], JF contacted him and asked if he would let him write an article and slap his name on it. This would have stayed secret were it not for him getting involved in GamerGate and the info being exposed by [http://theralphretort.com/journalist-alleges-cracked-editor-offered-write-article/ The Ralph Retort]. It makes you wonder if Zoe even really wrote that article or if it was JF again.
====Cracked's Message to ED in response to Quinnspiracy====
[[File:Cracked browses a better website.PNG|thumb|right|You think we're joking?]]
{{quote|Before you chime in against the "white knights", ask yourself this simple question: "Would what I'm about to say get me yelled at or punched in my stupid fucking face if I said it in real life?"|Cracked in its [[Tumblr]] hugbox}}
{{quote|Say that to my face fucker not online and see what happens|How ED sees the call-out.}}
Yeah Cracked, a bunch of hipsters who can't even get a real job [[sarcasm|are frightening us.]]
*ED: 1
*Cracked: -4
== Ratings ==
[[File:Cracked Popularity V2.png|link=|center]]
==Comments==
==Comments==
The true lulz behind Cracked however comes from the comments as their target audience migrates over from [[Youtube]].
 
===Top Commenters===
Below are the people that all readers of Cracked must aspire to, for they are the übermensch, but to anyone else, they are [[The cancer that is killing /b/|the cancer killing Cracked]].
{{center|{{Textframe|commenters|border: 2px solid gray; padding: 5px; width: 60%; background-color: #FFFFFF;|font-weight: bold;
|{{center|<big>'''{{colortext|red|Reallifegirl}}'''</big>}}Is supposedly a girl in real life, but [[GOTIS|we all know that's false]]. Gets highest comment roughly 75% of the time, and has never had a single red-thumbed comment. Ever. Has all the male commenters in a virtual dick-lock as even suggesting you have a slightly different opinion to her will make everyone call you "sexist" and bury you in red thumbs, so don't even try it silly over-privileged cishet white male!<br />[[File:Cracked Reallifegirl.jpg|center]]
|{{center|<big>'''{{colortext|red|MissVivian}}'''</big>}}When Reallifegirl can't be arsed to whore more thumbs, here is the other [[Feminazi]] that steps in to take over. Regales the rest of the comment section with boring tales about all the evil boyfriends that have cheated on her, and how she aims to destroy the patriarchy.<br />[[File:Cracked Missvivian.jpg|center]]
|{{center|<big>'''{{colortext|red|Darkstrolm}}'''</big>}}[[No|Hahahahahaha, this guy is so punny! He must own a Pungeon! He makes the Comment section more punner!]] Has the highest rated comment if neither of the previously mentioned women have made a comment first. Unlike them, Darkstrolm has had a few unpopular comments which got unceremoniously red-thumbed. Such a shame the rest of his shitty comments can't be dealt with in the same way. Seriously though, it shows how much of a life Cracked readers have if one of his unfunny-as-fuck comments has [[Over 9000|over 1300]] thumbs. Has a cartoon bear avatar, like a [[Tom Preston|certain someone]].<br />[[File:Cracked Darkstrolm.jpg|center]]
|{{center|<big>'''{{colortext|red|EricTheBearJew}}'''</big>}}The other "bear" (read: Autistic Jew) is this asshole. Is characterized by his threats of [[BAW|"mauling"]] anyone, online or IRL that doesn't agree to the strict code of Cracked. Has currently fulfilled none of these threats, because he isn't actually a bear you dumbfuck.<br />[[File:Cracked ETBJ.jpg|center]]
|{{center|<big>'''{{colortext|red|All The Others}}'''</big>}}The rest of Cracked is made up of large congregations of the following:
<ol>
*[[Internet Tough Guy|Internet Tough Guys]]
*[[Gamers]]
*[[SJW|SJWs]]
*[[Internet Humanitarian|Internet Humanitarians]]
*[[Aspies]]
*[[Keyboard Warriors]]
*[[Virgin|Virgins who care too much what society thinks of them]]
*Followers of the [[White Nerd's Burden]]
*Rejects from every other section of the Internet
*Combinations of all of the above
</ol>
}}}}
 
===Hall of Faggotry===
The true lulz behind Cracked however comes from the comments as their target audience migrates over from [[Youtube]]. As much as they want to deny it, they aren't much better than the aforementioned commenters they like to make fun of.
{{cg|According to themselves, they are smarter than Youtube. (What?)|Comments|center|<gallery perrow="5">
{{cg|According to themselves, they are smarter than Youtube. (What?)|Comments|center|<gallery perrow="5">
File:Cracked_Pun_Thread.png|How an average pun thread on Cracked works. A bunch of [[unfunny]] people ride on the coattails of people who are very slightly funnier. That's about it.
File:Cracked_Pun_Thread.png|How an average pun thread on Cracked works. A bunch of [[unfunny]] people ride on the coattails of people who are very slightly funnier. That's about it.
Line 89: Line 215:
File:Cracked_Beta.png|Spot the [[beta]].
File:Cracked_Beta.png|Spot the [[beta]].
</gallery>}}<br>
</gallery>}}<br>
 
=== '''18 Ways [[You]] Can Piss Off The Entire Comment Section''' ===
== '''16 Ways [[You]] Can Piss Off The Entire Comment Section''' ==
<ol>
<ol>
<li value="1"> Call out the female commenters for using their gender as an excuse to thumb-whore.
<li value="1"> Call out the female commenters for using their gender as an excuse to thumb-whore.
Line 97: Line 222:
<li value="4"> Tell them that [[Jeff Dunham]] is a better [[faggot|comedian]] and is more successful than any of the so-called "comedians" ever will be.
<li value="4"> Tell them that [[Jeff Dunham]] is a better [[faggot|comedian]] and is more successful than any of the so-called "comedians" ever will be.
<li value="5"> Inform them of the well-proven [[fact]] that Die Hard 4 ([http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/live_free_or_die_hard/ 82%]) is a better film than Die Hard 3 ([http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/die_hard_3_with_a_vengeance/ 51%]).
<li value="5"> Inform them of the well-proven [[fact]] that Die Hard 4 ([http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/live_free_or_die_hard/ 82%]) is a better film than Die Hard 3 ([http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/die_hard_3_with_a_vengeance/ 51%]).
<li value="6"> Be a [[teenager]]. It seems that Cracked has a hard-on for [[oldfags]] and their crippling inability to get with the times, whilst using decade-old stereotypes.  
<li value="6"> Be a [[teenager]]. It seems that Cracked has a hard-on for [[oldfags]] and their crippling inability to get with the times, while using decade-old stereotypes.  
<li value="7"> Everything [[Truth|WASN'T]] better in the [[90s]].
<li value="7"> Everything [[Truth|WASN'T]] better in the [[90s]].
<li value="8"> [[No|Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a good film.]]
<li value="8"> [[No|Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a good film.]]
<li value="9"> Say that [[Bronies]] are [[Pedo|pedophilic]] [[Manchild|man-children]]. Seriously, they'll get pissed.
<li value="9"> Call out the readers and writers as White Knighting SJW phony Democrat Liberal pussy seekers and yell out how much you "support" Donald Trump.
<li value="10"> The fact that ALL of the people behind novelty accounts are just [[forever alone]], [[autistic]] [[NEET|NEETS]] who have no life.
<li value="10"> The fact that ALL of the people behind novelty accounts are just [[forever alone]], [[autistic]] [[NEET|NEETS]] who have no life.
<li value="11"> [[Firefly]] was a lame series that will never return.
<li value="11"> [[Firefly]] was a lame series that will never return.
Line 106: Line 231:
<li value="13"> [[Batman|Miller > Moore]]
<li value="13"> [[Batman|Miller > Moore]]
<li value="14"> Spanking is [[child abuse]]. Anyone who practices it is too much of a [[pussy]] to hit an animal that can defend itself.
<li value="14"> Spanking is [[child abuse]]. Anyone who practices it is too much of a [[pussy]] to hit an animal that can defend itself.
<li value="15"> [[GTA]] is the greatest game ever made, not some obscure [[Weaboo]] [[Japanese]] [[RPG]] made for the [[Nintendo DS]].
<li value="15"> Claim Obscure [[Weaboo]] [[Japanese]] [[RPG]]s made for the [[Nintendo DS]] are better than faggot tryhard gorefest military man wish fulfillment FPSes and the shit that Zoe Quinn and her secret society of followers push out as "video games".
<li value="16"> No matter how much time passes and how good they try to cover it, the fact that [[Transgender|Transgendered]] people have the wrong set of chromosomes, and a plastic-moulded [[vagina]]/[[penis]] will never beat the real deal. Also, anyone who fucks them is technically a [[faggot]].
<li value="16"> No matter how much time passes and how good they try to cover it, the fact that [[Transgender|Transgendered]] people have the wrong set of chromosomes, and a plastic-moulded [[vagina]]/[[penis]] will never beat the real deal. Also, anyone who fucks them is technically a [[faggot]].
<li value="17"> Say anything to the effect of, Edison was better than Tesla.
<li value="18"> Rag out everyone and the writer on a "Weird Japan" list for being unfunny racists. See the sparks fly, and then laugh at how pathetic the despondents are by acknowledging that they are keyboard warriors with a shitty quality of life brought to them by their own flawed system.
</ol>
</ol>
'''''COMING SOON''''': The 50 Reasons Why The 18 Ways You Can Piss Off The Entire Comment Section On Cracked List On Encyclopedia Dramatica Is The Product of Satan's Asshole By Cracked On Cracked.com READ TODAY
==Pissed At Us==
[[File:ButthurtLmao .jpg|thumb|right|Really ironic to use the goblin as representation when the website is run by literal [[Kikes]]]]
Because of their innate [[Faggot|faggotry]] and their deepest and darkest desire for the Anti-Lulz, Cracked wrote an article called “ 5 Terrifying Bastardizations of the [[Wikipedia]] Model” in which they attempt to [[Pwnt|pwn]] the good name of [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] by lumping us in with [[Conservapedia]] and Metapedia while using a photo of [[Hitler]]. That’s right, these people are so far up their ass that they decide to use the “Everyone I don’t like is literally Hitler” trope on Wikis like Conservapedia, an obvious [[Zionist]] shill. To see the shit storm, click here: https://www.cracked.com/article_17341_5-terrifying-bastardizations-wikipedia-model.html
==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
File:Crackedthenundnow.jpg|Cracked: Then and Now
</gallery></center>
==External links==
*{{archive|jRtDV|5 Things I Learned From Being Addicted to Child Porn}} No, this is a legit article on there. We are not making this up. It is not a [[photoshop|sh00p]]. Parody is dead.
*{{Archive|2f2oo|5 Ways The MRA Indoctrinates New Members With Cult Tactics}} - That's funny, MRAs make up the vast majority of Cracked's readerbase. Way to reveal your bribe, you two faced SJW bitch
*[http://www.cracked.com/pictofacts-696-18-people-who-elevated-sarcasm-to-art-form/ 18 Acts Of Sarcasm That Make Us Proud To Be Smartasses] - [http://www.cracked.com/members/gicusudoru/ Cracked user gicusudoru] ranked [[Brianna Wu]] #4 in the list.
*[http://www.returnofkings.com/51878/5-uncomfortable-truths-about-cracked-magazine 5 Uncomfortable Truths About Cracked Magazine]


==See Also==
==See Also==
*[[MAD magazine]] — the magazine that Cracked originally ripped off
*[[Clickbait]]
*[[Buzzfeed]]
*[[Comedy]]
*[[Comedy]]
*[[Seanbaby]]
*[[Seanbaby]]
*[[The Bloody Board]]
*[[The Bloody Board]]
*[[Edarem]]
*[[Kerry]]


==External Links==
 
*[http://www.cracked.com/ Cracked]
{{GamerGate}}


{{Sites}}
{{Sites}}
{{sj}}
{{timeline|Featured article September 25 & 26, [[2014]]|[[Anita Sarkeesian]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Leigh Alexander]]}}

Latest revision as of 22:40, 18 October 2024

Alfred E. Neuman
Sylvester P. Smythe was Cracked Magazine's mascot for many years until the Internets happened.
From frats to twats
Typical cracked article

Cracked.com is an unfunny MAD Magazine ripoff that, after years of declining readership, made a few attempts at changing from ripping off more successful humor magazines to ripping off more successful men's magazines before giving up, shutting down and "moving to an online format" (Read: Giving up but still not being able to just let it go) which it is now repeating the same pattern.

Ever since its conception, Cracked has been nothing more but a wretched hive of complete dickass white nerd snark fuckery with 'TUDE, complete with a collection of clickbait list articles, frat boy wannabe "mandom philosophy" garbage about how humans need to evolve to shit pizza and piss beer, "self aware" pedantic myopia with a side of ass to mouth know it all smugness, and manchild levels of "look at the freak" attention whoring that has not been funny for years ever to anyone with even a neuron of brain matter. If future society ever wants to know what killed America, we at ED can recommend them excavating Cracked.com for doing that.

Many say that since Gamergate, Cracked has sunk to a new low with its recent attempts to try and turn back time to when anyone cared about them by catering to the SJW crowd instead of just cutting their losses and closing up shop, but truth has always remained, nice, long and hard- It's always been at the bottom of the septic tank. This place has more self pitying hypocrite dick size frustrated geeks of such self righteous indulgence and white knighting that it's practically the suckling fountain wellspring for fatheaded atheists and ego seeking hobby abusing socially inept cringe inducing nerds that attempt to play dress up with the man pants, testosterone highs, and 50 caliber guns.

Content

Summary of every Cracked article since 2014

Much of Cracked's content was generated by its members straight on their flies and out their asses out of the use of smug and complacent "manly White Man/First World self aware superiority and exception". The title of editor also is just a front for the guy who helps supply beer and cocaine to help fuel their loose cannon writing and is simply a yes man. Ironically, you could give a roomful of monkeys the same logistics and you would get a better result over 9000 fold. These contributors would not know comedy if it was sodomizing their virgin ass. But that's alright, because periodically there was some shit that happened to be hilarious, albeit unintentionally. It's sort of like jacking off, you don't know when you'll cum (28 seconds) but it'll feel good until you get there.

It is worth noting that Cracked is condescending, tame, and unfunny, instead choosing to pander to the lowest common denominator of humor, including using stereotypes as facts and focusing on "normalfags" and likeminded immature men wannabees. Their writers would rather poke fun at such easy targets as hipsters, hippies, "weird" things like god forbid, different cultures a border away, anything that doesn't fuel their "cool self aware image", and conspiracy theorists, rather than saying anything truly edgy at the risk of (god forbid) offending anyone and losing precious ad revenue. In return, all of this shit is so passive aggressively two faced and backassed that it feels like it's facetious and pussyfooting that it only appeals to likeminded douchebags.

Numbered Lists

Numbered lists are one of the two main sources "entertainment" that Cracked provides us. Said numbered lists are given in no real order, instead serving as break-points for the ADHD addled readers of the e-publication. The comments sections of said lists are equally ADHD addled, but more on that later. Despite the fact that some readers tend to follow the website daily for updates, they somehow missed the memo that lists are not given in any particular order.

Video Content

Videos on Cracked are rather hit and miss. With more misses than hits. One simply needs to stop and take a look at said videos to determine whether or not they are a complete waste of time, breath, and effort. There is no real typical video from Cracked as there is plenty of fan submissions as much as from the regular contributors.

   
 
Well fuck me with a live fish.
 

 
 

—Agents of Cracked, the Chief

Topics

Cracked Topics are pretty much a complete and total waste of fucking time. The premise was a good idea; short Wikipedia-like entries for a few quick laughs and done in an easy format so retards that can't write could contribute. The problem is the retards that can't write that contribute. By the end of 2010, Cracked ran completely out of topics for articles, but did that stop them? Hell no, it just made them try to pump out more shit. What used to be two articles, and a blog a day, and one weekly craption or photoplasty contest, turned into four shit articles, a pretentious unfunny blog, and daily horribly unfunny photoplasty contest with shit topics. For every 50 Topics that are submitted, 1 of them is bearable, and an ungodly majority of these articles are about World War Two (never showing Nazis in a positive light, because that would be offensive), and about shit you already knew. Normally, you simply end up with graphs and flowcharts that attempt to make amusing quips and observations. Most of the time, these sections are worth skipping. Here is an example of a topic, regarding a subject that us EDiots know and love.

Titles

For a very long time now, Cracked has baited people into reading these articles, by blowing every fucking title out of proportion, no matter how mundane the topic. These titles are as if they are written by a 90's manchild, stuck in a 2007 infinite time loop, as all of them are EXTREME!

Examples

  • 5 Shocking Things You Didn't Know About Taxes
  • 7 Horrendous Ways People Store Their Food
  • 4 Hysterical Incidents Of People Forgetting To Set Their Alarm
  • 6 Weird Japanese Things That Are Weird Because Of It Being Japanese (Japanese Are Weird Backwards People Aren't They Weird It's So Weird readourshititssointerestingndweird)
  • 12 Humongous objects that you won't believe we can shove into our editors' assholes!
  • 6 Insane Places You Should Go To On Vacation
  • 9 Appalling Ways Air is Racist
  • 5 Shocking Ways People Keep Making Technology Racist (that wasn't parody, that's the actual article)
  • 5 Disturbing ways Donald Trump is worse than Hitler, the Antichrist and Satan. (most recent)
  • Why *insert movie villain from a movie everyone stopped giving a shit about ages ago* is actually the good guy
  • Why this 90's movie is secretly about child molestation, slavery or the holocaust.
  • How *insert popular movie franchise* ruined movies FOREVER

Comics

There are two parts of Cracked that make it seem as though they thoroughly enjoy trolling their own user base. One of them is Cody (More on him in a minute), and the other is the comics. The comics that they post are generally submitted from external sources for a run until enough of the fans get pissed enough to mob Cracked HQ and threaten to burn it down. The comment section of most comics will typically be smoking some 50 years after the original posting due to the rabid amount of hatred, flaming, and gnashing of teeth their posted comics typically warrant. Mainly, this is because the humor in them is generally drier than your mother's twat with more text than the unabridged version of War and Peace. (Google it, retards.)

Craptions

The Craptions contest is simply putting a funny and/or disturbing caption to a strange picture they happen to dig up for the day. They had to put a giant fucking countdown timer on it because of the number of people butthurt over missing entry periods. Though if contributors are so stupid that it even mattered that much, large digital numbers probably won't help. Winners of Craptions are typically fairly varied. Some are amusing, others; not so much. Since 2010, Craptions are being very slowly phased out of Cracked. This may be because the typical winners make fun of other races, genders or religion, and we can't have that, can we?

Photoplasty

"Photoplasty" is Cracked's counterpart to Something Awful's Photoshop Phriday, renamed so as not to offend gimps. A couple of years ago, it was revealed that only the winner is actually picked by the Cracked staff, and everything else is in a random order, meaning you can have a 5 minute MSPaint job ahead of someone's Photoshopped 9th Symphony. Strangely, this hasn't stopped some fail entries from winning the entire competition, and the comments section made their opinions felt at the outcome.

According to Cracked, these images are worth $100. Each. About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


14 Terrible Bloggers You Wouldn't Want Your Children to Meet

The bloggers of Cracked are where one typically will look for funny. Most of the bloggers offer up a warped persona so that the basement-dwelling denizens of the comments section can have someone to relate to. Unless you're Cody, who everyone seems to simply want to crucify. Thus making him an epic troll; since he is getting paid to produce work that does little other than piss people the fuck off. Visit any one of his articles (and most videos) and you can be privy to the death threats and hatred for his humor and writing style.

Oops, wrong picture.
  1. Felix Clay: Crazy-ass motherfucker. It is a known fact that he eats anything and everything, from cum-stained sweets to flavored condoms. No, seriously. He has also took it up the ass by fat men at orgies. Again, this is not a joke. His final article may be entitled "1 Reason Why I Learnt You Shouldn't Make a Cocktail From Bleach and Caustic Lye."
  2. Adam Todd Brown: Used to be funny, many moons ago. Only ever writes about the music industry. As of 2014, his writing has become too edgy for Cracked commenters to handle, and may be shown the door very soon. The two types of his articles can be summed up as: And that's about it. Next columnist.
  3. Winston Rowntree: The newest addition to Cracked's regular columnists, and was a fairly decent cartoonist before joining Cracked. His style of humor quickly ran out though, and has now degenerated into DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY! and OH MY GOD, NICKELBACK SUCKS BALLS! It's ok though, because cartoons. (It's a proven fact that a typical Cracked reader has so short of an attention span, any drawing worth two cents will be enough to captivate them for the rest of the day).
  4. Christina Hendricks: Unfunny azn that shares her name with a well known actress. Likes to tell you about her cats. Was supposedly fired from Cracked in early 2012, and one look at her writing tells you why. It should be noted that she really doesn't like being told how shit her writing is in the comment section, and her loyal rabid fanboys, fangirls and fantrans will be sure to let you hear about it.
  5. Dan O'Brien: EDiot's Note: This is NOT the British pedophile Dan O'Brien. DOB has been with Cracked for quite some time and serves as one of the members of the editorial team in addition to being a regular contributor. He blogs once a week and his range usually scopes from amusing misadventures to utterly mocking the more moronic facets of society at large. DOB is also the first and last winner of the weblog awards webLAME award webSTUPID award for jerks; presented to him after trolling weblog for not including him on the ballot for best blogger.
  6. Michael Swaim is a blogger cum vlogger (lol; 'cum') with a twisted sense of humor and a propensity for mocking the more stupid aspects of pop culture. His videos typically follow the same grain and make for some amusing material. His delivery always seems to be in the punch you in the face direct variety, but that's okay because S.ex W.ith A.ntelopes I.s M.erry.
  7. Robert Brockway fits the mold of most of the rest of the bloggers at Cracked as much as any of them. His writings tend to focus on peeling back the stupidity of different facets of society. His version of Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventures have endeared him to the community, probably because most of the community are too busy to bother hot-railing back some fat rails of crystal meth and going on a multi-day adventure that usually ends in being locked up.
    Besides this he receives bribes to write about games that are actually shit (evidence 1 evidence 2). Notice the fellatio he gives.
  8. Soren Bowie surprised many of the readers of Cracked by actually being pretty amusing in his writing even though he was playing the quietly psychotic retard angle of a personality, which is basically what everyone that contributes plays. Sort of like how the entirety of ED is convinced that Jews did 9/11. As of 2014, he has degenerated into a meme of himself, with even the male commenters admitting that they'd bend over for him.
  9. Chris Bucholz: The utter chaos that exists in Bucholz creative brain is something to behold. His articles are usually a combination of extremely conflicting topics that he somehow manages to bring together in an amusing fashion. Some of his writings are what the fuck'ish in nature, but that seems to be fairly in line with Cracked's policy of fucking with it's readers.
  10. Does something smell like AXE?
  11. Seanbaby: You can find more information on Seanbaby at the link. To be noted is the popularity amongst the users of his 50's style comic book pages featuring such memorable characters as Dick Whiskey and Punch Master. Doesn't write jackshit anymore, although when he does it's usually quite humorous.
  12. Gladstone: He hasn't contributed much to the site as of late, though did for a long time. Believed to be one of "those" that did 9/11. You know who I'm talking about. Yup, he is "one of them".
  13. Cody is the proof that the upper management of Cracked are trolls of the greatest variety. Cody became a blogger shortly after the popularity of some of his videos shot him up. His Game Helpin' Squad videos are pretty entertaining for those of us no life losers who will understand obscure gaming practices. His blog posts are almost all terrible. His sense of humor seems to be nonexistent in them, so much so that it is just as likely that he is doing it on purpose for the lulz. Scroll down to the comments of his blog posts for all the creative death threats the 18-30 male demographic can muster.
  14. John Cheese: Real name Mack Leighty; the fake name is a parody of John Cleese, somebody more funny than a hack like Leighty will ever be. Former columnist at Pointlesswasteoftime.com. He drank for your sins, stepped down to rehab, and now won't shut the fuck up about it. Much less amusing, now that his drunken webcam capers have come to an end. He has recently become a preachy moralfag who, like the father he is, won't stop chewing his audience out to get off their asses and improve their pitiful lives. He was abused as a child by his Daddy as well, which, like his former drinking problem, he also won't shut the fuck up about. Comes off like the one kid at school who tries to be more mature than everybody else and lets everybody else know how mature he thinks he is. Needs to stop writing articles about how to grow up. His quest for maturity led to him getting married then divorced leaving his three children with a broken family. Lulz are frequent in his articles' comment sections, as everyone and anyone likes to mock his shit writing skills.
  15. David Wong: Another holdover from PWOT, with yet another fake name, this one being Jason Pargin. whose horror-themed fiction has garnered intense interest on the Web. One of his rape stories has been adapted into a feature film starring Paul Giamatti.

Drama

WE WANT YOUR BLOOD!

The 5 Major Cities Most Likely to Be Spectacularly Destroyed

On April 15th, 2013, an article was posted entitled "The 5 Major Cities Most Likely to Be Spectacularly Destroyed". The article was relatively non-noteworthy, until a few hours later, something rather significant went down in Boston. Despite the article being about NATURAL disasters and not man-made ones, the article was wiped clean and a message was put up in its place. This remained in place until the 17th. Quite rightly, the comment section went into a frenzy between moralfags who thought it was right to take the article down, and indignant readers who wanted to read the rest of the article (some turned the page at the precise moment the article was took down.)

The Bloody Board

Which one the fuck she is?

In one article called "The 7 Most Unintentionally Creepy Places on the Internet", Cracked decided to list just that. Among the list were Edarem and Kerry, but the one that caught most of the internet's attention was The Bloody Board. An abandoned message board that was run and used by one user almost exclusively.

Over the course of a few years, the owner of this forum had amassed about 70,000 posts about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and her obvious desire to be fucked in the ass by Spike. Almost all threads were empty except for her posting and replying to herself.

At the sight of this, the epitome of patheticness, the internet raided the forum and forced it's owner into hiding.

SJW shilling The Quinnspiracy

BREAKING NEWS: According to Cracked.com admins gamers invented AIDS
Three articles about how GamerGate is fake on the front page and there is a fourth one just off-screen
Cracked's plan backfires as they start losing traffic more rapidly than before

In the wake of their plummeting pageview count, the owners of Cracked had to find a new way to get their hand on that sweet, sweet Jewgold. A solution was soon found and the site dropped all pretenses of not being a Libtard echo chamber and cranked it up all the way to 11 and into SJW territory.

Seeing as how social justice warriors were looking for some place other than tumblr that will tell them they aren't a bunch of losers, Cracked stepped up and the site was soon being flooded with more and more articles about trannies, feminism, social justice, how MRAs are a bunch of faggots that are angry because they can't get laid and how air is racist. After a couple of years, an opportunity arose to jump on the bandwagon on the newest hot-button issue, GamerGate.

Cracked, like many websites, at first refused to report upon the Zoe Quinn scandal and outright deleted anyone's attempts to create a discussion. This is because in the wacky world of Cracked, it is impossible for a woman to do anything wrong and objectionable. Considering the main topics on Cracked are video games and SJWs, there was absolutely no way they had not heard of this and were simply pretending it didn't exist, a tactic employed by babies during a game of peekaboo.

Needless to say, they soon realized that they could not longer ignore the issue and found it better to go from avoiding the issue of Zoe to full-on doing PR for her and thereby profiting by pandering to their newly found readerbase. They soon wrote not one, not two, not three, not four, not Five (This one out right saying anyone against a social justice warrior is a bad guy), But six fucking articles about how GamerGate is shit and gamers are nerds (6.5 if you count this one which was so shit that The Huffington Post wrote a response to debunk it), one of which was written by Zoe herself and at its end she declares GamerGate to be over as if that will magically make it true and get people to leave her alone.

All of this happened in the span of four days. They shat out an article on The Fappening before they even considered making an article on GamerGate, despite the latter being a pressing issue 3 weeks before. On the first day they published an article implicitly denouncing GamerGate, on the third they let Zoe write an article herself and use the site as a soapbox and on the fourth, after noticing a spike in traffic unlike their dying site has seen in years, wrote two more articles on the same day.

David Wong was quick to brag about how the Zoe article gained them tons of traffic (further illustrating how far they have fallen), and on the next day say that it seems that he has "lost the GamerGate's attention", not realizing that this loss of attention is a big chunk of what is left of his readership leaving him like rats escaping a sinking ship.

But don't go to the forum to try and talk to them about it because this will happen:


Use scrollbar to see the full image

No deviations from the groupthink prohibited


(guess who published a sixth article about GamerGate? Not mention of AIDS in this one)

Offering to Write Articles Under Other People's Names

See that guy up there saying gamers cause AIDS? That's JF Sargent. You know what else he does? Offer people to write articles pretending to be them for clickbait.


When some other guy was the center of some internet drama, JF contacted him and asked if he would let him write an article and slap his name on it. This would have stayed secret were it not for him getting involved in GamerGate and the info being exposed by The Ralph Retort. It makes you wonder if Zoe even really wrote that article or if it was JF again.

Cracked's Message to ED in response to Quinnspiracy

You think we're joking?
   
 
Before you chime in against the "white knights", ask yourself this simple question: "Would what I'm about to say get me yelled at or punched in my stupid fucking face if I said it in real life?"
 

 
 

—Cracked in its Tumblr hugbox

   
 
Say that to my face fucker not online and see what happens
 

 
 

—How ED sees the call-out.

Yeah Cracked, a bunch of hipsters who can't even get a real job are frightening us.

  • ED: 1
  • Cracked: -4

Ratings

Comments

Top Commenters

Below are the people that all readers of Cracked must aspire to, for they are the übermensch, but to anyone else, they are the cancer killing Cracked.

Reallifegirl
Is supposedly a girl in real life, but we all know that's false. Gets highest comment roughly 75% of the time, and has never had a single red-thumbed comment. Ever. Has all the male commenters in a virtual dick-lock as even suggesting you have a slightly different opinion to her will make everyone call you "sexist" and bury you in red thumbs, so don't even try it silly over-privileged cishet white male!
MissVivian
When Reallifegirl can't be arsed to whore more thumbs, here is the other Feminazi that steps in to take over. Regales the rest of the comment section with boring tales about all the evil boyfriends that have cheated on her, and how she aims to destroy the patriarchy.
Darkstrolm
Hahahahahaha, this guy is so punny! He must own a Pungeon! He makes the Comment section more punner! Has the highest rated comment if neither of the previously mentioned women have made a comment first. Unlike them, Darkstrolm has had a few unpopular comments which got unceremoniously red-thumbed. Such a shame the rest of his shitty comments can't be dealt with in the same way. Seriously though, it shows how much of a life Cracked readers have if one of his unfunny-as-fuck comments has over 1300 thumbs. Has a cartoon bear avatar, like a certain someone.
EricTheBearJew
The other "bear" (read: Autistic Jew) is this asshole. Is characterized by his threats of "mauling" anyone, online or IRL that doesn't agree to the strict code of Cracked. Has currently fulfilled none of these threats, because he isn't actually a bear you dumbfuck.
All The Others
The rest of Cracked is made up of large congregations of the following:

Previous  |  Next

Hall of Faggotry

The true lulz behind Cracked however comes from the comments as their target audience migrates over from Youtube. As much as they want to deny it, they aren't much better than the aforementioned commenters they like to make fun of.

According to themselves, they are smarter than Youtube. (What?) About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


18 Ways You Can Piss Off The Entire Comment Section

  1. Call out the female commenters for using their gender as an excuse to thumb-whore.
  2. Say that you are glad that Roger Ebert died.
  3. Say that an article sucked and give the author a death-threat.
  4. Tell them that Jeff Dunham is a better comedian and is more successful than any of the so-called "comedians" ever will be.
  5. Inform them of the well-proven fact that Die Hard 4 (82%) is a better film than Die Hard 3 (51%).
  6. Be a teenager. It seems that Cracked has a hard-on for oldfags and their crippling inability to get with the times, while using decade-old stereotypes.
  7. Everything WASN'T better in the 90s.
  8. Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a good film.
  9. Call out the readers and writers as White Knighting SJW phony Democrat Liberal pussy seekers and yell out how much you "support" Donald Trump.
  10. The fact that ALL of the people behind novelty accounts are just forever alone, autistic NEETS who have no life.
  11. Firefly was a lame series that will never return.
  12. The Matrix sequels, the Alien sequels and Catwoman were all films that actually happened. Saying they didn't is like saying any of the commenters have lost their virginity.
  13. Miller > Moore
  14. Spanking is child abuse. Anyone who practices it is too much of a pussy to hit an animal that can defend itself.
  15. Claim Obscure Weaboo Japanese RPGs made for the Nintendo DS are better than faggot tryhard gorefest military man wish fulfillment FPSes and the shit that Zoe Quinn and her secret society of followers push out as "video games".
  16. No matter how much time passes and how good they try to cover it, the fact that Transgendered people have the wrong set of chromosomes, and a plastic-moulded vagina/penis will never beat the real deal. Also, anyone who fucks them is technically a faggot.
  17. Say anything to the effect of, Edison was better than Tesla.
  18. Rag out everyone and the writer on a "Weird Japan" list for being unfunny racists. See the sparks fly, and then laugh at how pathetic the despondents are by acknowledging that they are keyboard warriors with a shitty quality of life brought to them by their own flawed system.

COMING SOON: The 50 Reasons Why The 18 Ways You Can Piss Off The Entire Comment Section On Cracked List On Encyclopedia Dramatica Is The Product of Satan's Asshole By Cracked On Cracked.com READ TODAY

Pissed At Us

Really ironic to use the goblin as representation when the website is run by literal Kikes

Because of their innate faggotry and their deepest and darkest desire for the Anti-Lulz, Cracked wrote an article called “ 5 Terrifying Bastardizations of the Wikipedia Model” in which they attempt to pwn the good name of Encyclopedia Dramatica by lumping us in with Conservapedia and Metapedia while using a photo of Hitler. That’s right, these people are so far up their ass that they decide to use the “Everyone I don’t like is literally Hitler” trope on Wikis like Conservapedia, an obvious Zionist shill. To see the shit storm, click here: https://www.cracked.com/article_17341_5-terrifying-bastardizations-wikipedia-model.html


Gallery

External links

See Also


#GamerGate Series

[RagequitPress Start]



GamerGate

Zoe Quinn
 


IGN

Destructoid

Mighty No. 9

Gone Home


Ian Miles Cheong

Phil Fish

m00t sells out

EviLORE


8chan

Wizardchan

Cracked

NeoGAF


Jimbo Wales

Ryulong

Ben Kuchera

Jonathan McIntosh


Randi Harper

Shanley Kane

Leigh Alexander

FemFreq


Sarah Butts

Laurelai

Brianna Wu

Chloe Sagal


Arthur Chu

Milo Yiannopoulos

Peter Coffin

Tim Schafer


Kotaku

Sarkeesian Effect

Vivian James

Gawker


GG Faggots

*Nods Respectfully*

Moviebob

Tom Preston


DQ Sim

Cathedral of Misogyny

Law & Order

Kung Fu Guy


Other People and Sites That Got Involved:


People:
Anti-GG Faggots: Videogame "Journalists"Videogame ReviewersCameron BakerJoss WhedonEgoraptorChris ChanAhuviya Harel/ADF-Fuensalidam00tA Man in BlackNick DentonEllen PaoDarksydePhilAdam SesslerJed WhitakerAlison RappNolongersilencedTony SidawayAlex WuoriAndrew HussieTransFrequencyWil WheatonAsalieriJerry PeetAngry JoeMaxofs2dChris KluweTauriq MoosaTodd in the ShadowsMaddoxFaggot Who Started OWSSceptre‎NorthBySouthBaranofIronholdsGeorge R.R MartinStephen ColbertJim SterlingValisHDNerdcubedJoshua IdehenVordrakRian JohnsonJulia Alexander


Pro-GG Faggots: Adam BaldwinAnne RiceWilliam ShatnerHideki KamiyaBoogie2988JonTronDerek SmartMrRepzionSuey Park‎Richard DawkinsRichard StallmanFilthy FrankShoe0nHeadTotalBiscuitTheamazingatheistThunderf00tJulian AssangeWeevIcze4rRoosh VGabe and TychoTheRalphRetortParkourDude91The Wannabe DickridersJewWarioLordKatCowkittyCraig BrittainSir WulfingtonSargon of AkkadLane Davis (Seattle4Truth)Carly FiorinaAlisonPrimeZoe AskalonDJBPlaythroughsMister MetokurArmored SkepticMundaneMatt.


Sites: RedditVoatRationalWikiSJWiki76chanTwitterWikipediaTGWTGBoingBoingVICEGOGTheMarySueStormfrontScrewAttackThe EscapistBuzzfeedSalonPatreonJezebelSomething AwfulTV Tropes4chanEDF 2: Electric BoogalooEncyclopedia DramaticaWe Hunted The MammothMicVox MediaResetERA.

Others: 2064: Read Only MemoriesFacadeFire EmblemFleetCOMMDead or AliveCards Against HumanityGNAABill Waggoner CrewMSNBC/CNN/BBC etcThe GuardianElectronic ArtsIntelAdobeGoogleShirtgateMillion Dollar ExtremeHatredPostal 2BaphometAnonymousGamersEverybody else on the internet and their dog.

Minor Related Pages: Censored article about Brianna WuSarah Butts FFshrine chatlogsList of people defending Butts' pedophiliaThe DMCA Butts sent usMilo Yiannopoulos ✡ The feminist versionShanley Kane's butthurt rantThe Great Gawker Implosion of 2015Skype Con LeakRalph's retarded group to monitor people trolling him.



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Featured article September 25 & 26, 2014
Preceded by
Anita Sarkeesian
Cracked Succeeded by
Leigh Alexander