Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a toy franchise turned cartoon about four anthropomorphic turtles living literally in a shithole with their master (an old rat) fighting the ninja version of Darth Vader. Like any other cartoon that managed to get aired in a major TV network for five minutes, 90's kids are oblivious to the fact that the show was only made to sell them plastic crap and that the franchise has been milked to death. It has spawned multiple movies and TV series, each worse than the last.

Characters

The Turtles

Turtles au natural on set between takes while waiting for their prostitutes (her colleagues...).

Shredder

Leonardo: He leads. Or, maybe he was the one that just kept demanding things of his brothers. He had a voice that was a combination of heroic and whiny, and refused to allow his brothers to cheat or cut corners or be lazy or lure naive, tender children into the sewers with promises of adventure. He would often yell that "Turtles fight with honor!" If the honor of a turtle was supposed to override the sneakiness of the ninja, it would explain why these so-called ninjas almost never did anything remotely ninja. He's armed with two katanas, which despite being the only cutting weapon in the series, he has never stabbed anyone with.

Michelangelo: The loud and annoying retard, most likely a stoner. His main role on the team was to be irresponsible and get everyone else in trouble. Michelangelo was armed with the nun-chucks, which were ironically the most useful weapons in a series considering the lasers that never hit anything and swords that never stabbed anyone.

Raphael: The bitchy whiner armed with two corn holders. It's no surprise that none of the kids who watched the show liked him.

Donatello: The smart one, apparently living in the sewers with no access to schools, libraries, or adult education centers can make furries into mechanical geniuses. Then again, he's armed with a long stick so he may not be as smart as people think.

Other Good Guys

Splinter: A giant rat man who is the Turtles' master. However, he did not start as a rat. After getting kicked out of Japan for not liking anime enough, he spent his free time wandering around the sewers of New York where he found some turtles soaking in glowing slime that somehow turned them all into furries.

April O'Neil: The Turtles' human contact. A news reporter who wore a tight jumpsuit and had tits the size of small children. Potential zoophile and pedophile considering how much time she spends with the turtles.

Irma: April's nerdy best friend and presumably her lesbian lover. She often gets paired with Donatello by people depraved enough to write Ninja Turtles fanfiction.

Bad Guys

Shredder: The main bad guy. Also a ninja, and like all ninjas he dressed in lots of pointy metal and named himself after a kitchen utensil. Took orders from a big talking brain that was jammed in a robot's crotch and lived in a giant round tank with an eyeball on top. In the 2003 cartoon, he turns out to be an alien that somehow has a human daughter.

Krang IRL, before the accident.

Krang: An alien from another dimension who lost his body in an accident and was banished to Earth. The end result of this accident is that he was reduced to a brain with a face and goofy little flipper hands. Rather than get all whiny about it, he pulled himself up by his spinal cord straps and apparently conquered an entire dimension. How he managed this is a mystery, seeing as how every attempt to conquer Earth was thwarted by four genetic freaks and their paparazzi bimbo.

Bebop and Rocksteady: Shredder's henchmen. One has the head of a rhino while the other of a warthog. Much like the Turtles being named after dead European artists, they are both named after shit genres of 80's music.

The Comic Book

Most fans of the Ninja Turtles really didn't give a shit about the comic book but comic nerds get butthurt because the series didn't follow the comics. It appears the creators of the show had other intentions like actually making money and not appeasing basement dwellers who only change their underwear when the Comic-con is in town. The pieces of shits that were the fans of the 87 cartoon city were too afraid of reading the comics, fearing it would ass rape their childhood. All that you need to know about the comic is that Splinter trains the turtles to kill Shredder in cold blood, and succeeds.

Movies

Typical live-action TMNT

The First One

In 1990, Corey Feldman would attempt to summon Satan by making a live-action Ninja Turtles movie. However, he only succeeded in contracting AIDS, and soon after died. Everyone, even your mom, saw the movie. Few hate it, most love it. Notable scenes include the Turtles gang-raping April, Michelangelo teaching kids to not leave tips to Pizza delivery boys, Leonardo watching Raphael while he takes a bath, Casey Jones going insane due to claustrophobia, and the Shredder being defeated by a garbage truck. Tragically, every child that saw the movie when it was first released was given AIDS, transferred through the eyes.

The Sequel, Secret of the Ooze

A Sequel with Butterfingers, donuts, Vanilla Ice, an Asian pizza delivery boy, and a rabid Alf was released afterwords. The movie, while not as good as the first one, achieved popularity due to Vanilla Ice making the Ninja Rap which is as follows "GO NINJA GO NINJA GO, GO NINJA GO NINJA GO, GO GO GO GO" infinitum. Donatello also goes temporarily emo in the movie when he realizes he is not special and his existence is all thanks to some randomly dropped tank of acid.

The Third One, Turtles and Samurais

This one is when they start milking things. The Turtles go back in time to Samurai periods, and 4 Samurai warriors go to the Turtles time and play Pac-Man with Casey Jones. The Turtles kill a bunch of British guys with guns, then kill Japanese guys with guns, then everyone goes back to their own time. They used this shitty idea because they'd already killed off Shredder twice. When they were writing the end of the first movie they thought, "We should kill the Shredder!" Upon deciding to make a second movie, they decided that Shredder could have survived. When they wrote the end of that one they thought, "Let's kill the Shredder, again! Because it's not like he's their only enemy and we're not corporate whores trying to suck this franchise dry! We wouldn't possibly want to make another sequel...wait...fuck." Hence, the third movie.

The 2007 Movie

The new 2007 movie uses no Live Action guys in suits, however it uses CGI. The whole movie is just Raphael and Leonardo having an angsty emo argument, the other two Turtles are in the background, the whole movie drowned out by punk music. AIDS was unleashed yet again, people saw it in theaters but because it was full of emo faggotry, no one bought the DVD.

The 2014 Movie

Michael Bay Made this one. the only reason Anyone saw is because Megan Fox Whoopi Goldberg was in it.

Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation

Live-action show created by the people who made Power Rangers, notable for adding Venus DeMilo, a fifth turtle, with a vagina and magical powers. Nobody remembers anything else about it, except they did a crossover with Power Rangers: In Space.

2003 Series

Since it's the '80s kids' turn to have their childhoods thoroughly raped, someone at 4Kids decided to make a new Ninja Turtles series. This caused many fantards to flood the internets with complaints, clogging at least 100 tubes in the process. Since the series sucked so hard, they did what everyone does when something sucks hard: send them into the future to suck even harder. In this series, Shredder was Ch'rell (????) and he had a daughter called Karai who took it in the pussy from Leonardo, up the ass from Raphael, and in the mouth from Michelangelo. This love pentagon unfortunately left poor Donatello in a homosexual relationship with his best friend Leatherhead. Japan decided to take the series and dub it, all the way before things go to the future (yes, Japan dubs our cartoons as we do theirs). Since the show was full of 4kids faggotry, the Japanese decided to use special comic book effects and other stuff to make it seem better than it is but few people bought it, so the Japanese ended up making it Naruto-like.

Nickelodeon Takes Over

As of now, Nickelodeon has purchased the rights to Ninja Turtles which will either result in an epic new relaunch of the series or send the toilets' popularity back down to the shitter. To be frank, it's happened before...twice. Since Viacom has a tendency to ruin whatever it owns for ratings...well, you get the picture. The original creators sold out to the unholy media conglomerate that to this day, still cries foul for anyone putting their favorite Spongebob, Real World and now TMNT episodes on YouTube.

The series turned out not only to be popular because it featured shitty CGI Turtles, but also for the fact that Nickelodeon mashed all TMNT shipping fanfics together to create a massive orgy of the merchandise: interspecies (Donatello's obsession over April), possible incest (Leonardo and Karai's love affair despite sharing Splinter's DNA), cheating (Karai hitting on Raphael) and a butthurt threesome (Shredder/Tang Shen/Splinter with Shredder being kicked into observer status). Basically, teenage girls' wet dreams rolled into one show.

Leonardo - Reprises his role as the leader, a decision made on a whim by Splinter. It is later revealed he was chosen only because he begged like a little bitch. Leo tries hard and fails to sound heroic by emulating a lulzy Star Trek-esque show within the show. His brothers think he's a joke and cause him to eventually ragequit. He is forced to reassume leadership when his brothers get tentacle raped by a plant monster. Drama ensues as he pursues zoophilia with Shredder's adoptive daughter, Karai. He's voiced by the main faggot Jew from the American Pie films.

Donatello - The same inexplicable super-genius as before. In order to distinguish him as the nerd amongst his brothers, with pronounced gapped teeth and a misshapen head, he's noticeably the ugliest of the four. He is shipped with April in this series, but in typical beta fashion, his creepy advances are promptly rejected. He's portrayed by the same voice actor that gave Raphael his sass in the classic series; however this becomes almost unrecognizable through Donatello's constant shrieking and whining. He's usually seen getting pwnd when he's not crying over April. An entire episode is dedicated to his complaining about having a useless stick for a weapon; learns to deal with it.

Michelangelo - Originally known as the "party dude", Mikey's persona has evolved increasingly dumber after each incarnation; loud goofball in the 2003 series, drooling mongoloid in the CGI-film, all the way to full retard here. Mikey's party rep goes no further than the theme song; instead we're constantly reminded he's the asshat of the group as his idiocy is the butt of every joke in the show. He has the same voice as Beast Boy (another retard) from Teen Titans. Splinter introduces Mikey as his "special" son.

A running gag in the show is Mikey's penchant to name everything (usually the villains). Most of the names were already established in prior series, so the dumb names given by a dumb character could be seen as an interpretation of the original creators. In example, "His skin is leathery and he has a head, Leatherhead!" Brilliant.

Raphael - The moody tough guy of the pact once again, and much like the 2003 series, he takes out his aggression by abusing Mikey. No one knows why he is so angry, but it is rumored he was molested as a young terrapin. The only other character he can open up to is Spike, his pet turtle (lolwat). He is voiced by Sean Astin, who you might remember from the Goonies, or more recently a gay fat hobbit.

Shredder - No longer the clumsy idiot bitch slave of a pink wad, but a bonafide turtle slayer. Upon meeting the turtles, he made quick work of all four, prepping them with enough bruises for turtle soup. They escaped when he turned his attention to his mutating henchmen. No sign of Bebop or Rocksteady, instead he is accompanied by a Chuck Norris look-a-like and a Brazilian nigger, now mutated into a dog "dogpound" and fish "fishface" respectively. Even original characters get the Michelangelo treatment of dumb names. Karai, shredder's adoptive daughter, makes her return but she spends her time whoring herself out to Leonardo. That's why Leo claims there is "good in her."

Splinter - The turtles fear him more than Shredder because he's a strict badass and a bigger challenge. Ironically, he suffers from nightmares and PTSD when he learns Shredder is in town, and cowers in the sewers. His past is sketchy, but basically Shredder beat him up, raped and murdered his wife, and possibly took his daughter. That would reveal Leo and Karai's relationship to be wincest.

Galleries

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  Shredder delivering one of his snappy one-liners.
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  If you can call gay scaly incest "awesome", then yes, the show is pretty awesome.
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The real reason kids watched the show About missing Pics

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Videos

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See Also

• Alligator
• Battletoads
• I Like Turtles
• Pizza
• Transformers

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