Resident Evil 5

CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS

Finally! A game that does what we're all thinking! Pool's CLOSED

Resident Evil 5 (otherwise known as "PUNCH NIGGERS RECEIVE CAKE") is the fifteenth game in the Resident Evil series. It was released for the Tre Shitty and some other really expensive thing. The only thing that distinguishes this game from the fourteen that come before it is (except number fourteen itself), instead of killing zombies, you walk around Africa endlessly shooting entire villages of pissed off mutant locals and nigger people. This requires no logic or strategy like numbers zero through thirteen, but instead relies solely on aim. Because of this fact alone, the game is destined to be a top seller.

Gameplay

How to win at Resident Evil 5

Dead Space with shittier controls, no curb stomp and no movement while aiming. The physics engine, leveling up, gore, textures and soundtrack are radically different than the fourth game since it's much prettier and has co-op. Oh, and a woman with a crazy accent.

There are a wide variety of enemies that players will face off against in Resident Evil 5. These include niggers, niggers with axes, niggers with crossbows, niggers with chainsaws, niggers with dynamite, niggers with molotovs, nigger dogs, niggers with rifles, the African version of Hell's Angels, tribal niggers, fat niggers, skinny niggers, a giant bat, black niggers, Lickers that aren't nearly as bad-ass as they used to be, a big thing with black tentacles that might as well be a nigger, monsters that pop out of niggers, sandniggers, the obligatory final boss who comes back from the dead for the umpteenth time (not a nigger), and niggers.

To wit:

Storyline

Resident Evil 5 summed up in one image

No exceptions.

You play as Chris Redfield (Mexican), now a member of the BSAA(Bull.Shit.Anal.Alliance). He is sent by his chapter's Grand Wizard to Africoon to lynch the loads of black person that the Klan has begun to ship back home (Just because you sent them back to Africa doesn't mean you can't follow and kill them anyway.) Accompanying him is Sheva Alomar, an African whose light skin and British accent almost allows her to pass as a human. They fight against a greedy businessman named Irving, some wop bitch named after Microsoft Excel, and Albert Wesker who obviously watches the Matrix,just look at the way that fag fights,he dodges bullets,runs fast,wears a trenchcoat and sunglasses, plans to exterminate mankind for the lulz and become God. In the process, they rescue Jill Valentine (who suddenly has long blonde hair) all before finally killing Wesker with a rocket launcher (oh yeah, spoiler). There's some other shit about Tricell funding Ouroboros research and people huffing bugs, but seriously if you were expecting anything more than that, you're probably a fat nerd.P

Also the third boss is named Ndesu

Controversy

Not surprisingly, the niggers are complaining that, since the game will feature white heroes shooting black villains, the game is racist and should not be released Too late. One disgruntled black mother had this to say:

	“	It's apparently the white character's job to destroy the black people and save humanity. This is problematic on so many levels, including the depiction of black people as inhuman savages, the killing of black people by a white man in military clothing, and the fact that this video game is marketed to children and young adults. Start them young... fearing, hating, and destroying black people.	„
	—An upstanding community member

This is, however, completely false, as niggers are inhuman savages IRL and it is pretty much every white guy's job to destroy black people and save humanity. Of course, none of these diverse defenders of civil rights and multiculturalism had anything to say when Leon S. Kennedy was blasting through crowds of rabid Spaniards and Nazi clichés. These stupid shitheads seem to forget that the game is made by Asian people, and Asian people hate whites and blacks evenly. To add, the game takes place in Africa, who else do you expect to find more of? Furthermore, the idea that this game will make people start hating blacks is completely unfounded, as most people hate niggers already without the help of a video game. It should be also noted that Chris' English-accented partner Sheva is black and they both team up with the African branch of the squad.

Of course - all the concerned single mothers are just having a knee-jerk reaction, as only a faggot would think that people who play video games are completely unable to distinguish between them and real life and therefore believe that stealing cars, killing prostitutes, jumping on turtles, and searching for agility orbs IRL is serious business. Also killing niggers in the game is one reason its so epic and full of win, faggots.

Versus Mode

On April 7, 2009 a paid-for add-on known as Versus Mode was offered on XBox Live and PSN. This is referred to as "paid-for", because the size of the download was only 2 megabytes. Capcom went the Activision route and became Jewish, but the fanbase didn't give a shit and bought it anyway. While it retained the tank-like controls, a few enterprising individuals figured out how to move more quickly and get the drop on their opponents. A few also learned that by damaging an enemy player with certain types of grenades, they could force them to stand still and get raped by a Magnum. In the early days, these few players (and the noobs who played endlessly to unlock STARS Wesker purely for his Hydra shotgun) were the focus of much hate and accusations of modding. Predictably, these sort of players are now the standard and most of them are prior haters of the previously-mentioned tactics.

The mode is divided into two basic types of matches, known as Slayers and Survivors. The object of Slayers is to kill as many Majini as possible within the time limit. This is most similar to The Mercenaries mode, except that you can shoot and kill other players. Survivors is meant to be straight-up player against player, but there are still annoying regular enemies and mini-bosses running around to troll the players. There are team versions of these game types, where two teams of two players each compete against one another using the same basic premise as single Slayers and Survivors, except that you have a butt buddy following you around. The character pool is the same as Mercenaries, featuring: Chris (BSAA, Safari or STARS), Sheva (BSAA, Clubbin' or Tribal), Jill (BSAA or Battle Suit) and Wesker (Midnight or STARS).

As of April, 2012 (3 years after release), people still play this game mode. It limps along on shitty servers, and with no add-on material to further its replay value. Regardless, there are people who refuse to ditch their RE 5 disc and play Operation Raccoon City (even though that game is already full of fuckwits too). Most who still get on Versus regularly are incapable of playing more than 2-3 games decently. The rest enjoy stirring up drama and idiotic feuds over an outdated video game and the Internet in general.

Gallery

Resident Evil 5 Gallery About missing Pics

• 
  lol spoiler
• 
  The mandatory Tentacle Rape
• 
  Hawt
• 
  Wow.
• 
  It just keeps getting better.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
• 
  Godhand
• 
  I got in one little fight and my mom got scared...
• 
  black person
• 
  I hope that doesn't count as a crossover.
• 
  Team Fortress 2 Special Edition
• 
• 
• 
  COMPLETE GLOBAL SATURATION
• 
  this is a bonus outfit. Seriously.
• 
  Black Woman are fucking hawt.
• 
  Dat Ass
• 
  DAT ASS.
• 
• 
• 

See Also

• Resident Evil 2
• Resident Evil 3
• Resident Evil Outbreak
• Resident Evil 4
• Umbrella Corporation
• Zombie
• Capcom

External Links

Black blogger gets butthurt over the game

It's now Cloverfield-tastic!

Resident Evil 5 is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

---