|
|
| (19 intermediate revisions by 10 users not shown) |
| Line 1: |
Line 1: |
| {{DISPLAYTITLE:''Grand Theft Auto''}}
| | [[Image:Death race 2 a.jpg|thumb|Not quite the original version but probably the inspiration.]] |
| {{spoilers|Trevor kills the guys from The Lost, you spend most of the game doing missions for the FBI and then they betray you at the end of the game, Brad was dead the whole time, Franklin can choose to kill Michael, kill Trevor, or the trio can just kill everyone instead}}
| |
| {{TOCright}}
| |
|
| |
|
| [[Image:Death race 2 a.jpg|thumb|left|Not quite the original version but probably the inspiration.]] | | The '''Grand Theft Auto''' games are nominated as "best gamez evar" by thousands of [[13 year old boys]] across the world for featuring childish and juvenile innuendo, driving, shooting, killing, pools of pixellated blood and other such shite. Though first thought of [[at least 100 years ago]], [[Luser|lusers]] who've no clue about what an [[battletoads|amazing game is]] still consider these concepts to be "amazing" and "ground-breaking". |
|
| |
|
| The '''''Grand Theft Auto''''' or '''''GTA''''' games are nominated as "best gamez evar" by thousands of [[13 year old boys]] across the world for featuring childish and juvenile innuendo, driving, shooting, killing, pools of pixellated blood and other such shite. Though first thought of [[at least 100 years ago]], [[Luser|lusers]] who've no clue about what an [[battletoads|amazing game is]] still consider these concepts to be "amazing" and "ground-breaking".
| |
| [[File:GTA muslim edition.png|thumb|Islamic Version]]
| |
| All of the games in the series are very [[basketball|diverse]] and ever-changing, but your goal is always to drive generic cars through generic checkpoints and shoot or ram generic pedestrians and other cars with the aid of cartoon violence. Some would argue that killing people in a game is [[lulz]]. Regrettably, every one of you [[13 year old boys|13 year olds]] has to learn that it's only lulz if you [[Anders Behring Breivik|go for the '''IRL''' high score]]. | | All of the games in the series are very [[basketball|diverse]] and ever-changing, but your goal is always to drive generic cars through generic checkpoints and shoot or ram generic pedestrians and other cars with the aid of cartoon violence. Some would argue that killing people in a game is [[lulz]]. Regrettably, every one of you [[13 year old boys|13 year olds]] has to learn that it's only lulz if you [[Anders Behring Breivik|go for the '''IRL''' high score]]. |
|
| |
|
| Unrealistically, you are able to kill/[[pwn]] thousands of people and get away with it. This pisses off the average soccer [[woman|mom]] and [[politics|politician]]. In the 2009 installment, ''Chinatown Wars'', you can even make hundreds of thousands of meaningless virtual [[dollar]]s by dealing in meaningless virtual [[drugs]]. ''GTA'' is [[The Internet is serious business|SERIOUS BUSINESS]], the idea being that if kids or even adults play this game they are just about certain to go on random, unprovoked killing sprees. All kinds of violent events are blamed on this game, completely ignoring all of the violence in the world before it came along. | | Unrealistically, you are able to kill/[[pwn]] thousands of people and get away with it. This pisses off the average soccer [[woman|mom]] and [[politics|politician]]. In the 2009 installment, ''Chinatown Wars'', you can even make hundreds of thousands of meaningless virtual [[dollar]]s by dealing in meaningless virtual [[drugs]]. ''GTA'' is [[The Internet is serious business|SERIOUS BUSINESS]], the idea being that if kids or even adults play this game they are just about certain to go on random, unprovoked killing sprees. All kinds of violent events are blamed on this game, completely ignoring all of the violence in the world before it came along. |
|
| |
|
| ==GTA I, II & London== | | ==Series== |
| | [[File:GTA muslim edition.png|thumb|Islamic version.]] |
| | *[[Grand Theft Auto: Classics]] - ''GTA I, II & London'' |
| | *[[Grand Theft Auto III]] |
| | *[[Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories]] |
| | *[[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City]] |
| | *[[Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]] |
| | *[[Grand Theft Auto IV]] |
| | *[[Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars]] |
| | *[[Grand Theft Auto V]] |
| | *[[Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Definitive Edition]] |
| | *[[Grand Theft Auto 6]] |
|
| |
|
| [[Image:Death race 2 b.jpg|thumb|Typical view.]]
| | ==GTA-Based Wikis== |
| | |
| [[Image:GTA1.jpg|thumb|teh bst gaim evar!]]
| |
| | |
| ===Introduction=== | |
| The [[Old|2D]] ''GTA'' games were presented in birds-eye-view and originally released for the PC, then for the [[PlayStation]] and Dreamcast. They failed to generate any buzz in the world of gaming because they were totally out-of-date crap.
| |
| | |
| These 2D games are quite notorious for the worst handling of vehicles and player movement in possibly all of gaming history. Of course, to save time you're going to drive as fast as possible to get to where you need to be, avoiding obstructions and being as l33t as possible. However, even after years ([[Jesus|God]] help) of 2D ''GTA'' experience, you'd still remain a gameplay [[n00b]]. Driving any faster than 5 mph would result in an inevitable crash into a building or vehicle. Reason being the vehicle under your control moving faster than the display scrolls, so you could never see where the fuck you're heading. Not only that but (the [[BDSM|suffering]] continues), the terrible control system for the vehicle is not suitable for small children or the [[retard|differently abl]]ed: in reverse, you have to press '''right''' to go '''left''' and '''left''' to go '''right''' once back in forward. The graphics are total crap, remnants of the time when PC games really did have the world's worst graphics, so these games will soon drive you to become [[An hero|an hero]].
| |
| | |
| You played in ''GTA 1'' & ''GTA: London'' as a little blob of color that moved around farting, belching, punching, shooting yellow blobs and getting into vehicles. In ''GTA 2'', however, you were a little <i>black</i> blob of color with a white head, that could do the above AND jump! OMG! AMZNG!1 That's all that was different other than moar weaponriez.
| |
| | |
| | |
| | |
| ===Characters===
| |
| The games had no original characters or memorable events. The only thing to be related to any sort of original character would be a terribly animated picture of a black person whose mouth moved a little bit that appeared when you answered his Blackberry.
| |
| | |
| === Story and Gameplay ===
| |
| | |
| <youtube>MQGf3jRSBOc</youtube>
| |
| [[Image:GTA2.jpg|thumb|anotha bst gaim evar!!!]]
| |
| | |
| Plots were mostly absent from ''1'', ''2'' and the ''GTA: [[England|London]]'' expansion fad. From the start you were wondering what's meant to be done, and eventually found yourself answering one of many constantly ringing payphones. Answering a phone would result in you being given unclear instructions on a "job" you were then forced to attempt. These missions would involve [[Pain series|killing any amount of people]] and blowing something up. Yes, they're that detailed. Should you succeed you were given pocket change, and left to answer another payphone.
| |
| | |
| After you've rinsed and repeated this task; you're then bored and decide you're going nowhere in life. Soon after, you'll become [[An hero|an hero]]. They aren't considered very exciting, but you at least get new areas to unlock.
| |
| | |
| ===Revolutionary Marketing===
| |
| | |
| [[Image:GTALondon.jpg|thumb|moar bst gaim evar!!]]
| |
| | |
| ''GTA: London'' was a massive con. Most people in [[England|Britain]] bought this game [[Cum|cumming]] over the thought of shooting people outside Buckingham Palace.
| |
| | |
| After buying the disc (only worth using as a tea coaster) and putting it into their [[PlayStation]]s, n00bs cried when a message appeared on screen saying <b>"Un-fucking-lucky! You need to buy ''GTA 1'' and insert it first to play this!! n00b!"</b> Some became [[an hero]], while others actually went out and bought ''GTA 1'' as well.
| |
| | |
| ''GTA II'''s creators also created a promo movie or some [[Shit|shit]] that involved real people making complete [[Jews|fools]] of themselves as they attempt to act. Beginning with a [[Bruce Campbell]] look-alike being chased by [[Niggers|nigrahs]], it ends with that same [[Bruce Campbell]] look-alike being assassinated by [[Osama bin Laden|Osama bin Laden]]. Not worth watching. Period.
| |
| | |
| Here it is anyway.
| |
| | |
| <youtube>ObDvqmpdiO0</youtube>
| |
| | |
| [[Amirite|amirite?]]
| |
| | |
| ===Gameplay Footage===
| |
| | |
| <youtube>3CM2ItGDFbs</youtube>
| |
| | |
| (Above) ''GTA II'''s Job #1 & tutorial which pretty much says it all about how [[Shit|shitty]] this game really is. The clip fully demonstrates the game's depth and involving gameplay. Or lack of it [[Amirite|amirite]]?
| |
| | |
| <b>''GRAND THEFT AUTO I'', ''II'' & ''London'' = FAIL/100!</b>
| |
| | |
| ==GTA III==
| |
| | |
| [[Image:GTA3 Box US.jpg|thumb|Teh b3st g3m evar?]]
| |
| | |
| ===Introduction===
| |
| Many people believe <b>''Grand Theft Auto 3''</b> is the ''first'' in the series because they are too stupid to read Roman numerals.. Set in "[[Jew York|Liberty City]]" , you played as some [[luser]] with no name who had his vocal chords ripped out as a kid. The NPCs didn't seem to mind him being a mute because he was such a badass, so would often have whole, albeit one-sided, conversations with him.
| |
| | |
| According to [[GameFAQs|GayFAQs]], [[Shit nobody cares about|his name is "Claude Speed".]]
| |
| | |
| [[Image:CrippleTheyHatin.jpg|thumb|left|''GTA'' IS NOT REAL LIFE. Do not attempt this and always wear a seat belt!]]
| |
| This is so [[you]]r character in ''GTA: San Andreas'' (if you're stupid enough to play it) can date "Claude's" [[girlfriend]] Catalina and be dumped, with some mention of how her new boyfriend is "Claude Speed".
| |
| | |
| The Mr. X/Claude Speed controversy led to massive trolling of [[GameFAQs]] boards, giving the [[Mod|mods]] a field day.
| |
| | |
| ===Story and Gameplay===
| |
| The game begins with a boring FMV that takes a couple of hours to show a bit of [[drug]] taking and bank robbing.
| |
| | |
| If you wait long enough to discover that parts of the game are playable, you get to take [[Bix Nood|8-Bix]] and X through a 0.02-second journey on foot before they discover a conveniently placed car, complete with radio (happens all the time).
| |
| | |
| Mister X then somehow finds himself doing "[[Blowjob|jobs]]" and "[[Buttsechs|favors]]" for the Mafia (Don Salvatoré, Tony Cipriáni & Maria), a gang named "El Diablos" (El Burro) and some pervert named "[[Mario Brothers|Luigi]]" who runs a sicko strip bar.
| |
| | |
| [[Image:Ublwhitehouse.gif|thumb|Osama, moments before heading for ''GTA 3'''s Liberty City.]]
| |
| | |
| [[Lulz]] ensues with the [[MysteryBot|AI]] that is in every ''GTA'' to date causing pedestrians to [[Suicide|dive in front of your car]] more often than they avoid it.
| |
| | |
| For some bizarre reason which can only be the result of a drug cocktail enjoyed by Rockstar employees, some missions include taking photographs of fat men in diapers. '''I shit you not'''. Other missions involve the theft of [[Sick fuck|bestiality porn]].
| |
| | |
| [[At least 100|At least 100 years]] of hard labor later, the infamous bridge that was [[Osama Bin Laden|Osama'd]] at the beginning of this game is miraculously repaired, granting you "Staunton Island": five more square centimeters to run around in.
| |
| | |
| The game ends when you've killed all of your past buddies because someone told you to on the phone, rescued your [[Tubgirl|booty call]] from earlier in the game, and Mr. X and her walk off into the sunset (original, eh?). Mister X then puts a bullet in her mouth because she can't shut up and he can't say [[STFU]].
| |
| | |
| | |
| ===The [[lulz]] that never were===
| |
| | |
| Being developed in the lulzy 90's , when [[terrorism]] was seen as something cool and transgressor, and [[amateur porn|amateur]] bombings and shootings happened every week (see [[Waco]], [[Timothy McVeigh]], [[Columbine]] and [[unabomber]] as examples), the game originally included a character named Darkel that ordered you [[lulz|to commit massacres of random pedestrians]], and it is even rumored that one of the missions [[9/11|was to drive and airplane into some building]] and another one had [[Sick fuck|you blow up a schoolbus full of kids.]]
| |
| | |
| But because it was supposed to be released just 3 weeks after [[Jews did WTC]], the game was modified and the character was [[baleeted]]. sniff
| |
| | |
| === Gallery of GTA III ===
| |
| | |
| {{cg||galleryofgtaiii|left|<gallery>
| |
| File:Claude Speed.jpg|[[Brian Peppers|Claude Speed]] is [[Batshit Insane|prone to taking orders from talking pieces of paper]] and can drive vehicles that handle like a swim in dog-[[Shit|toffee]].
| |
| File:CuteGuy.jpg|If you saved the photo of Mr. Underpants you'll find a bonus pic of him wearing none. WIN!
| |
| File:8 Ball.jpg|Generic nigger owns bomb shops in plainly advertised view of everybody and will fit anybody's car with explosive material. [[Allahu Akbar]]! Voiced by recently deceased nigger [[Rapper|Guru]]
| |
| File:Luigi and Mick.jpg|Mr. and Mrs. Goterelli run [[MySpace|a brothel]] in ''GTA III''.
| |
| </gallery>|
| |
| <gallery>
| |
| File:Catalina and Miguel.jpg| Retard Hambeast (left) & Miguel (right): This is entitled ''[[Feminist]] ex-girlfriend with spic''
| |
| File:Joey and Misty.jpg|Guess who's going to die of AIDS first? Greaser or [[Britney]] clone?
| |
| File:Toni Cipriani.jpg|[[Some Guy|Some virtual guy]] voiced by Michael Madsen (''Driv3r'', ''Kill Bill''), [[OMG]], so exciting!
| |
| File:Salvatore_Leone.jpg|Chef Boyardee
| |
| File:Maria.jpg|Some [[whore]]
| |
| File:Asuka.jpg|The main dude is a [[weeaboo]]: this is his girlfriend. She is into [[BDSM]]!!1! Oh noes, it is just too much!
| |
| File:Kenji.jpg|...and this is his boyfriend.
| |
| </gallery>}}
| |
| {{clear}}
| |
| | |
| === Gameplay Footage ===
| |
| | |
| {{center|
| |
| <youtube>3cKNY04IwWY</youtube>
| |
| }}
| |
| | |
| (Above) [Intro and Mission #1] Osama's h4xX rampage on Portland's bridge, the escaping negro etc...
| |
| | |
| {{ytlink|rZJtxz0fUQg|Mission #02}}
| |
| Oh NOEZ! People taking drugs and having fun? Kill kill kill. The piece of paper told you to!
| |
| | |
| {{ytlink|eOYNnyziTCI|Mission #03}}
| |
| Picking up an ugly prostitute with Boy George's dress sense, driving her to [[you]].
| |
| | |
| {{ytlink|X7vrL6zlskM|Mission #04}}
| |
| Moar killing, same old shit after just four missions. DESU.
| |
| | |
| Let's skip forwards...
| |
| | |
| {{ytlink|5LKhkMRpQu4|Mission #15}}
| |
| Collecting ''Donkey Does Dallas'' magazines that float, are orange, and are everywhere. Just like reality.
| |
| | |
| {{ytlink|sRpmDk-96yc|Mission #16}}
| |
| Maria. Boring driving, annoying voice, doesn't stop talking and killing her = WIN.
| |
| | |
| {{ytlink|G_rL8ls6dAA|Mission #17}}
| |
| [[Your mom]], another talking letter and moar boring driving!
| |
| | |
| {{ytlink|s-iBTmRBN0o|Mission #18}}
| |
| Wut? Moar boring driving? DESU DESU.
| |
| | |
| Let's skip again, it's all the same...
| |
| | |
| {{ytlink|VGSy62WBnKg|Mission #21}}
| |
| Moar talking letters. Man this shit is whack. Moar of the same.
| |
| | |
| That's it! Skipping by 40 should lead to something new? Right?
| |
| | |
| {{ytlink|preYNzgu38g|Mission #61}}
| |
| Oh shit. Driving? But crashing atall = FAIL? DESU DESU FUCKING DESU! It's all the same!!
| |
| | |
| {{ytlink|Ltuw5Nrc_UY|Final Mission}}
| |
| Driving?...Shit-hard shooting? Amazing action? A mission most people alive cannot complete without cheats you say? YES! Oh it's all over...
| |
| | |
| '''''GRAND THEFT AUTO 3'' = FAIL/100'''
| |
| | |
| ==GTA: Liberty City Stories==
| |
| | |
| In ''GTA: Liberty City Stories'', you play as Toni Cipriani who is the Capo of the Leone Family. Like, Vice City Stories, there is nothing too much different than that of GTA III. Liberty City Stories takes place 3 years earlier and you play as a different character. The game is only available on the Playstation 2 and Xbox.
| |
| | |
| With an overall goal to suck up to the Don of the Leone Family, Salvatore Leone, you will often find yourself bored as fuck whilst playing this game because the missions are all the fucking same.
| |
| | |
| [[File:Toni-cipriani.png|thumb|The protagonist of ''GTA: LCS'', Toni Cipriani.]]
| |
| | |
| ===Characters===
| |
| | |
| Toni Cipriani - The protagonist of the game. Still lives in his mother's basement and runs a shitty restaurant. Nothing much to say other than he is just one big suck-up.
| |
| | |
| Salvatore Leone - The Don of the Leone Family. A [[fat]] old man who does nothing but repeatedly fuck his wife in the ass every day, and sit around while his men do the [[Murder|dirty work]].
| |
| | |
| Maria Latore - Primarily known as the Boss's bitch. Salvatore's supposed wife in which he hooked up with while he was in San Andreas for "business" reasons. She is a free-loader and was only after his money. [[Fact|Surprisingly, he was stupid enough to believe that she was "interested" in him.]]
| |
| | |
| ===Gameplay Footage===
| |
| | |
| <center>'''Is this Grand Theft Auto or Texas Chainsaw Massacre?'''</center>
| |
| <center><youtube>Adq0G0Rc-bM</youtube></center>
| |
| | |
| ==GTA: Vice City==
| |
| | |
| {{rainbowsmall|THIS GAME CONTAINS LOVE FIST}}
| |
| | |
| <center><youtube>cOwqGZR0dDs</youtube></center>
| |
| | |
| ''Vice City'' (''GTA IV'' would have made too much sense) is set in [[Miami]] of the 1980's and displays all manner of loud shirts, bad songs, and pastel colors to prove the point.
| |
| | |
| The promoted "stunning quality of graphics" became [[shit]] hitting the fan from the second the disc spun, with trees and walls appearing from thin air whenever the player character traveled any faster than 5 mph. Textures were as [[Fugly|fugly]] as ever.
| |
| | |
| In a monumental step forward for the ''GTA'' series, ''Vice City'''s main character [[OH SHI-|had a name]] (Tommy Vercetti).''Vice City'' also gave the dedicated player the first chance to ride a [[motorcycle]] ([[OMG]] not featured in ''GTA III'')!
| |
| | |
| The game is also renown for having illogical missions, such as [[Stupid|controlling an RC helicopter into a building while dropping dynamite all over the place, while a bunch of fat bastards try to shoot you down]]. Also, the box art looks nothing like the in-game characters, and [[fat|falling into the sea is an insta-kill]], because nobody in the 80's knew how to swim.
| |
| | |
| <center>[[image:Sonnyforelli.jpg|600px|]]</center>
| |
| <center>This is meant to be the same character, you can't blame bad pixels on this</center>
| |
| | |
| This is also the first game where you can run around with a chainsaw and a minigun at the same time, meaning you can go on the [[sick fuck|killing spree you always dreamed of]]. Watch out though, once the police are onto you, [[why|every single car and person in the game vanishes for no reason]], meaning you're gonna have to run your fat ass into a safe spot where you can hammer in the code to spawn a tank.
| |
| | |
| ==GTA: Vice City Stories==
| |
| | |
| ''Vice City Stories'' is the same thing as ''Vice City'', except for the protagonist is a [[nigger]] named Victor Vance and that the game takes place two years earlier. The game has also been known to have rather [[shit|shitty]] graphics and a tremendous amount of bugs and glitches. The radio stations are also all the same, except with some different songs.
| |
| | |
| [[File:Victor-vance.png|thumb|Protagonist of ''GTA: Vice City Stories''; Victor Vance]]
| |
| | |
| ===Characters===
| |
| | |
| Victor Vance - The main character of the game, who was the second nigger to become a protagonist ever in GTA history, apart from Carl Johnson. He is also the brother of a [[fucktard]] by the name of Lance Vance.
| |
| | |
| Lance Vance - A waste of fucking space and human resource. Long story short, a fucktard who tries to be funny by cracking lame jokes in his over-raspy voice and annoying the living shit out of his brother, Vic.
| |
| | |
| Louise - Some random crack-whore who you are forced to rescue from her [[redneck]] husband early on in the game. Vic tries to establish a relationship between him and her, but she dies later on in the game.
| |
| | |
| Ricardo Diaz - A fat Colombian who Vic does missions for, because being the obese ball of fat he really and truly is, [[Fact|he is much too lazy to take care of it himself]]. Double-crosses Vic two years later, by instructing his men to ambush a drug deal between Tommy Vercetti and Victor Vance.
| |
| | |
| Diego Martinez - Vic's old army Colonel. This is the guy who Vic wanted to kill the minute the game started, because he was [[butthurt]] that he got kicked out of the army for him having stashed Cocaine under his bed. He eventually managed to gun him down, as well as his bodyguards on the roof of a skyscraper.
| |
| | |
| ===Gameplay Footage===
| |
| <center>'''How the game ends.'''</center>
| |
| <center><youtube>9H7TGJg51M8</youtube></center>
| |
| | |
| ==GTA: San Andreas==
| |
| (aka The Sims: Nigger Edition
| |
| )
| |
| [[Image:GTAHooker.jpg|thumb|Niggers love the white meat: from a much later take.]]
| |
| [[File:GTASASexWithDeadProstitute.jpg|thumb|300px|Also, necrophilia is accepted.]]
| |
| | |
| Rather than an actual GTA game, this is just an [[emo|angst]], nigger Tamagotchi. You play as a nigger called [[BJ|CJ]] who [[Pussy|chickens out]] after one of his brothers got killed, then has his mom killed by a rival gang. Long story short, he eats fried chicken, fucks [[insane]] women, eats fried chicken, [[gay|gets a pink Mohawk]], eats fried chicken, blows up police cars with a M4, eat fried chicken, help Eazy E steal boxes from the [[Army|National Guard]] and has [[Buttsecks|hot coffee]] with [[ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT|Samuel Jackson]], [[Fail|never actually becomes a rapper]] (but other [[racist|people]] insist he did), and did we mention eat fried chicken (srsly)?
| |
| | |
| This game also contains the failed meme known as [[OG Loc]], who is to CJ what [[Weegee]] is to Mario. He makes no sense, is kinda disturbing, and [[Shit nobody cares about|nobody cares about him]]. Copying Weegeee even further, you go-kart race [[azn|Oriental]] [[Gentlemen|gentleman]] Loc and near the end, CJ gets to shoot him, but instead he [[Facepalm|takes his rhyme book and his record company]]. Anyway, as the story develops, you go to Las Vegas, shoot some azns, rob a bank with some azns, get [[rich and beautiful]], however your crackhead nigger wants to stay at the hood and C-[[Gay|Jay]] is forced to go back to his dump. The game ends when <s>you</s> CJ finally kills [[Biggie Smalls]] and [[Troll|Officer Tenpenny]]. That didn't solve anything though, because CJ's mom is still dead and everything is still fucked up.
| |
| | |
| [[Image:Hot coffee.png|thumb|220px|Needless to say... [[Fap]] [[fap]] [[fap]]]]
| |
| | |
| Also, you can get fat and [[steal|ride]] bicycles to Liberty City.
| |
| | |
| === [[Controversy]] ===
| |
| ''San Andreas'' generated a lot of [[lulz]] after a couple of [[13 year old boys]] found ways to make the lead playa [[fuck]] his [[Slut|girlfriend]]. Rockstar [[fangirl]] [[Jack Thompson]] became wet at the possibility of new lawsuits over the game enabling events such as [[fap]]ping over pixelated sex. Rockstar pwned the prick's ass in ''GTA IV''; he gets shot in the head whilst screaming "Guns don't kill people, video games do!...BANG!"
| |
| | |
| [[Hilary Clinton]] soiled her panties after seeing this, pulled out her tampon, and called for [[jihad]] against Rockstar.
| |
| | |
| == GTA IV ==
| |
| | |
| {{spoilers|text=[[Imaginary girlfriend|Kate]] dies if you choose "Revenge", Roman dies if you choose "Deal", and Saints Row 2 is better than Grand Theft Auto IV}}
| |
| | |
| [[Image:GTAsign.jpg|thumb|left|The state of New York does not approve of ''GTA IV''.]]
| |
| | |
| '''''Grand Theft Auto IV''''' was bullshited as a "turning point in video game history" and unsurprisingly ended up being the most boring, unoriginal game in the series. It features [[Ragdoll Physics|on-the-fly ragdoll physics]], [[Fat Larry's Band|washed up music bands]], a [[Habbo Hotel|pixelated subway system]] twice as confusing as New York's [[Airplane|Boeing 747s]] that never take off or land, endless taxing on runways, unoriginal vehicles ([[tracing|based]] on IRL cars), annoying-ass characters who wont stop fucking CALLING YOU 24/7, and a fuckload of useless dialogue.
| |
| | |
| === [[TL;DR|The Storyline]] ===
| |
| ''GTA IV'' catches up on the 2008 American media theme of presenting [[Serbian]]s as ultimate villains (because calling the villain [[Muslim|Achmed Raschid]] would cause too much [[butthurt]] whining and between massive bombing and manipulation the Serbs can't do much about it). So the main character, Niko Belic, comes to [[New York City|Liberty City]] in hopes of [[unrealistic expectations|escaping the harsh life of his country and meet up with his rich cousin Roman]]. But turns out that Roman not only bullshitted about his rich life, but also owes a metric fuckton amount of money to a lot of people. So Niko, being the [[Serbia]]n immigrant that he is, finds himself taking up a life of murder, crime, and theft.
| |
| | |
| As badass as that sounds, Rockstar managed to make the game fucking boring since the first 5 hours consist of chasing a laundromat owner and stealing a Honda Civic, and the rest is only driving ugly-ass cars that drive like shit.
| |
| | |
| The only fun from the game comes from going on killing sprees like the people who made the following videos did:
| |
| | |
| {| style="margin: 0 auto"
| |
| |{{frame|{{videoframe|RYTP|background-color: #DBD8CD;|font-weight: bold;
| |
| |<youtube>IRV4hVq2AHo</youtube> <br> <center>'''Cluckin' HELL'''</center>
| |
| |<youtube>boLaKXCOiBY</youtube> <br> <center>'''Palestine GTA'''</center>
| |
| |<youtube>ax-2wyKGbJc</youtube> <br> <center>'''Chimpout'''</center>
| |
| }}|border=#000000|background=#FFFFFF}}
| |
| |}
| |
| | |
| | |
| | |
| === Characters ===
| |
| | |
| [[Image:NIKOMYCOUSIN.png|thumb|EVERY FIVE MOTHERFUCKING MINUTES]]
| |
| | |
| *'''[[butthurt|Niko Bellic]]'''- The euro-trash, [[Russia|trackpants]]-wearing, main character in Grand Theft Auto IV. He is the Irish mafia's [[bitch|errand boy]] and looks exactly like Sasha from Behind Enemy Lines and Victor Zakhaev from Call of Duty modern warfare.
| |
| *'''[[Troll|Roman Bellic]]'''- Niko's fat, annoying cousin who only wants to see [[breast implants|BEEG AMERICAN TEETEES]]. NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! Fortunately he dies in his wedding if choose "Deal".
| |
| *'''[[Alcoholic|Packie]]'''- [[stereotype|Generic]] Irishman who drinks heavily yet is able to perfectly fire a gun. He shows up again in GTA5 in a "[[Just as planned|random]]" event you can stumble upon. Him and his [[retard|mentally challenged]] friend are robbing a [[drugs|drugstore]], [[Fail|but his aforementioned mentally challenged friend forgets to arrange for a driver or car to escape]]. So you help him and he becomes a [[lie|new]] crew member on robberies, which can mean that unless you get him before you do the all 3 or 4 planned "scores" in the game he is completely fucking useless as a character.
| |
| *'''[[steroids|Brucie]]'''- A [[drugs|hyperactive]] [[Douchebag|FPS Doug]]-ripoff who does steroids, [[Rape|fixes]] cars, and has orgies with Roman.
| |
| *'''[[Jamaica|Little Jacob]]'''- A Jamaican nigger that talks like he has a dick in his mouth and most likely smells like shit. "Wha gwan me bredda."
| |
| *'''[[emo|Dwayne]]'''- Another nigger, but at least this one wants to kill himself (probably because he got raped in prison). Kill him instead of Playboy X. [[pussy|If you let Dwayne live]], the only thing he gives you is a change of clothes and a penthouse.
| |
| *'''[[whore|Michelle/Karen]]'''- The [[slut|local town bicycle]] who pretends to be your girlfriend, but [[It's a trap|ends up being a double agent]].
| |
| *'''[[Stalin|Dimitri Rascalov]]'''- A Russian who looks just like Steve Jobs. He gets pissed when his comrades sell porn without him. You eventually kill him.
| |
| *'''Jimmy Pegerino'''- Useless Wop who betrays you in the end.
| |
| *'''[[fag|Bernie]]'''- One of Niko's [[fuck|war]]-buddies. Apparently, the only reason Niko came to Liberty City was because he thinks this guy is the one that [[baw|betrayed him and caused the death of his village]]. Unsurprisingly, turns out that the traitor is another guy.
| |
| *'''[[fugly|Darko Brevich]]'''- The guy that sold Niko out. He looks exactly like Niko except that he [[Brit|looks like he has never brushed his teeth]]. Whether you choose to kill him or not doesn't matter, sinse Niko bitches about his decision either way.
| |
| *'''[[asshole|Vlad]]'''- Some asshole who makes you throw bricks at Asian people and steal Honda Civics. You kill him after you realize that he's fucking Roman's fiancee.
| |
| *'''[[Osama Bin Laden|Hossan]]'''- Roman's taxi driver. The only worthwhile character in the game.
| |
| *'''Jew'''- A dirty Jewish biker. Need I say more?
| |
| *'''[[Mexican|Luis Lopez]]'''- A Mexican who fucks up your diamond deal ''and'' your bank robbery.
| |
| *'''[[Bitch|Gracie Ancelotti]]'''- Rich mafia boss's daughter, you kidnap her for a [[Rape|ransom]].
| |
| *'''[[Nobody|Kate McCreary]]''' - The love interest of the [[tl;dr|story]] (the story nobody gives a shit about when playing the game). She's not worth dating, doesn't give you anything special, thus is completely fucking useless.
| |
| {{quote| This isn't pinball! | Random in-game hobo ||color=silver|size=360%|textColor=black|textSize=200%|sourceColor=black|sourceSize=100%}}
| |
| === Expansion packs ===
| |
| ====The Lost and Damned====
| |
| TLAD follows the story of [[jewish]] [[Bestiality|hogrider]] Johnny Clitrubz doing drive-bys with his buddies from their clubhouse.
| |
| | |
| ====The Ballad of Gay Tony====
| |
| AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG I don tink das a good idea, Tone mang.
| |
| | |
| === Media attention and Drama ===
| |
| Even before it was released, ''GTA IV'' was causing drama in the tubes. [http://news.teamxbox.com/xbox/13137/GTA-IV-Crashed-the-Internet/ So many obsessed] fat [[fanboy]]s tried to access the preview trailer at once they [[fail|crashed Rockstar's servers]], leading to much butthurt and bitching.
| |
| | |
| Of course, [[Jack Thompson]] jumped on ''GTA IV'' before it was released, calling it the spawn of Satan and the very tool that will unravel the fabric of modern society. Sadly, Jack didn't realize Rockstar wasn't in the mood for frivolous lawsuits, and immediately told him to [[STFU]] by tap dancing on the [[First Amendment]].
| |
| | |
| Does it end there? Fuck no. Multiplayer is perhaps the funniest retard haven this side of the internets. Free mode often leads to tears from 14 year old boys. It's "free mode", so you'd expect people's player characters to die while fucking around. But no, killing people in free mode is really murder and you should be executed if you do it! They have [[shit nobody cares about|deathmatch]] for that!
| |
| | |
| [[Image:FPSdoug.gif|thumb|Brucie Kibbutz [[Headshot|in real life]]. Why does a [[black]] guy have a Jewish name?]]
| |
| | |
| === Awesome New Features ===
| |
| Awesome new features of ''GTA IV'' include:
| |
| *Air Hockey - FUCK YEAH, OH TOTALLY!
| |
| *Bowling - HOLY SHIT! WHAT, OH MAN!
| |
| *Darts - YEAH BOIII
| |
| *Drinking & Driving - OH, MOM WOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOU, GANGSTA!
| |
| *In-game comedy skits and television shows - YEAH, I WANNA SIT THERE AND WATCH A MOVIE IN MY GAME, DAWG!
| |
| *Low-brow humor - OH YEA I'M SO GANGSTA FOR SAYING "COME ON NIGGA!!"
| |
| *Recycled washed-up celebrities as DJs
| |
| *Music you can barely tolerate - FUCK YEA BITCH!
| |
| | |
| Oh yeah, and be a pedophile...
| |
| | |
| <center><youtube>2gaC1aJIb6g</youtube></center>
| |
| | |
| ===Typical online convo===
| |
| <pre>
| |
| A: Hey, how do you get the BEST ESTER EG EVAR?!
| |
| B: Go to the statue of Apenis
| |
| A: TAKE ME THERE THEN YOU STUPID LITTLE KNOBCHEESE!
| |
| B: Get there yourself you bald ass niggra.
| |
| A: BUT I CANT FLY A CHOPPER
| |
| </pre>
| |
| | |
| === GTA IV XBAWKS 360 DLC ===
| |
| In order not to look like assholes who sold you the shitty half of a revamped game originally made [[at least 100 years ago]], Rockstar announced shortly after releasing the game, that they would be developing exclusive content exclusively for the ultra-exclusive Xbox360. This time, instead of playing with that Eastern European fuckrag, Niko, you get to plays with a white-trash, Hell's Angel spoof, with a heart of gold. It features an extra thirty seconds of gameplay, four hours of videos showing you how cool it would be to play, and none of the great things that the original game had (Why the fuck do I want to swim with a goddamn leather jacket on?).
| |
| | |
| The Ballad of [[Ghey]] Tony was released a bit later, and all the 13 year old GTA fanboys went crazy. The story follows this guy who works for a fag and carries out his [[rape|daily chores and bidding]], along with having to work for and later fight an [[Redundant|alcoholic Russian]] and his fuck-ugly assistant. The game was universally panned by [[niggers]] since none of them understood the plot and the controls seemed foreign because of their short term memory. The game was praised by many dick sucking video game reviewers and [[13 year old boys]] because they have sold their souls to adequate graphics, predictable plots and a story revolving around [[fags]]. Among the [[goatse|hardcore]] gaming community, the game was played for five years until the [[retards]] realized it was exactly the same as the first two, except with a [[gay]] title and 28 missions. The only true new addition is that there are [[Fail|CHAMPAIGNE DRINKING MINI GAMES OMG!!!11]]
| |
| | |
| The shittiest and/or weirdest part is that GTA IV and its two bastard DLCs involve $2 million worth of diamonds, who [[LOL WUT|the fag buys from some ship's cook and then the biker guy takes them and throws them in the trash and the Eurotrash guy has to dress up like a garbageman and steal them, but then he gets them stolen from him and some Russians get involved and...]] shit, now I'm confused. But, on the brighter side, you get to kill a bunch of [[Stereotype|Jewish diamond dealers]] and their thugs.
| |
| | |
| Like everything ever on the 360 the "exclusive content" stayed exclusive, and don't let any store tell you other[http://www.amazon.com/Grand-Theft-Auto-Episodes-Playstation-3/dp/B0036FDHT2/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=videogames&qid=1282534994&sr=8-2 wise]
| |
| | |
| ===Gallery===
| |
| {{collapsegallery|Gallery of GTA IV|galleryofgtaiV|center|<gallery perrow="5">
| |
| File:Clingy Friends Simulator.PNG
| |
| File:GTA Bridge crossing.jpg
| |
| Image:GTAIV_Jacob.jpg|Jacob, the only worthwhile person in the game.
| |
| Image:GTA_Bike.jpg|You only wish it was this good..
| |
| Image:Burning_SUV.jpg|If it looked this good, it'd be worth it.
| |
| </gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
| |
| Image:United_Liberty_Paper.jpg|What the CIA really looks like.
| |
| Image:GTAIV Liberty City.jpg|Welcome to [[Fail|Liberty City]].
| |
| Image:GTAIV_Roman.jpg|Roman Bellic: '''HEY NIKO WANT TO GO PLAY SOME DARTS?'''
| |
| Image:GTAIV Kiki Jenkins.jpg|Oh, what a hottie with a body! Player's ideal of a crim's wet dream, a public defender who enjoys dating the [[psycho]]s she represents.
| |
| Image:GTAIV_Patrick.jpg|Paddy is a typical [[Irish]]man, except for spending all his time in [[Ketamine|a k hole]].
| |
| Image:Francis_McCreary.jpg|Frankie is [[the man]]! What a role model!
| |
| Image:GTAIV_Shootout_01.jpg|Shame that it's not this fun..
| |
| Image:GTAIV_Coney_Island.jpg|Did we really need a fake Coney Island?
| |
| Image:GTAIV_taxi_chase.jpg|The camera angles aren't this good, sadly.
| |
| Image:Alex Chilton GTAIV.jpg|You too can date Paris Hilton!
| |
| Image:Gta4 nudity.jpg|[[true|'''Actual screenshot''']] from GTA4: Lost and the Damned
| |
| File:Gta4americantv.jpg
| |
| File:Gta4pedestrian.gif
| |
| </gallery>}}
| |
| | |
| ==GTA: Chinktown Wars==
| |
| This is the 2009 title for the [[Nintendo DS]], [[PSP]] and [[IPhone]]/IPod Touch, proving that Rockstar wants to expand their customer base to include [[Shotacon|children]] and [[fags]] (and [[You|combinations]] of the two), these being the only people to possess the console. Developed by [[England|Rockstar Leeds]], the game is shit and features a couple of [[England]]-derived place names but the usual right-side driving, which is just like totally [[gay]]. There were many fake pre-release videos and screens on the [[Internets|tubes]]. One example:
| |
| | |
| {{ytlink|p82lbGyaYEY|Here}}
| |
| | |
| The game carries a "Licensed by [[Nintendo]]" screen. Nintendo apparently [[Do not want|did not want]] to release a [[Japanese]] version but ended up getting some third-party outfit to do it. Chinatown Wars features the best-named power-up in gaming history: '''Flame Retard'''.
| |
| | |
| ==Grand Theft Auto V==
| |
| | |
| [[Image:1212481246242.png|thumb|center|600 px|''GTA [[IRL]]'']]
| |
| Sometime [[Last Thursday]], CockStar released their next miscarriage, '''GTA V''', which resulted in more cum spillage from fat, fanboi cargo-shorts than when their High School forgot the [[CP|cheese pizza]] web filter.
| |
| | |
| In this sequel of the [[shit|esteemed]] franchise you get to control three faggots who met at a local circle-jerk and try to take over the city while poppin' gangbangers, raping police officers and beating old women to death with the baseball bat you bought from the money you saved by killing that hooker ([[recolor|OMG ORIGINALITY]]).
| |
| | |
| But [[srsly]], '''GTA V''' is GTA IV pasted over GTA III: San Andreas... and PC-fuckers already made mods for that.
| |
| | |
| === Characters ===
| |
| | |
| [[File:trevor dick.gif|210px|thumb|Typical Trevor gameplay.]]
| |
| | |
| *'''[[Gangsta|Franklin Clinton]]''': A typical street [[nigger|nigger]] who is the least interesting of the group, the only thing that's worth keeping him is the slow-mo driving technique [[Illiterate|sense]] every GTA player sucks at driving.
| |
| *'''[[Pussy|Michael De Santa]]''': A bad father yet he's a successful thief, most of the time he's saving his family from dumb shit they get into. He's also an FBI snitch.
| |
| *'''[[Badass|Trevor Philips]]''': A [[batshit insane]] man who has [[RAGE|anger problems]], [[Doing it right|if you try to reason with him you will have a boot being stomped in your face.]] his ability makes him go super saiyan mode.
| |
| *'''[[asshole|Devin Weston]]''': What happens when you give a liberal shit loads of money? Devin Weston is the abortion of that, the moment you first saw him you would want to break his face into small pieces with a dildo, he also never gave you money for your work, so he's considered a [[Jew|jew]], most satisfying thing is you can kill him in the end, unless you're a fucktard who didn't choose C of course.
| |
| *'''[[Dickhead|Steven Haines]]''': Some FBI dickhead who wants you to forcefully suck his dick by doing his work, you can kill him in the end.
| |
| | |
| ==Grand Theft Auto Online==
| |
| | |
| Rockstar's highly anticipated online version of the game that features [[world of warcraft|an open world where players can explore]], level up, team up and do heists, and buy property. It was released two weeks after GTA V came out.
| |
| | |
| When it was released, it came with a [[fail|shitload of game breaking glitches that bleeds into corrupting the story mode]]. This could have been foreseen, but Cockstar only tested GTA Online with five people in the weeks they had to prepare. They didn't expect [[over 9000|17 billion]] players on launch. This took more than three days to fix, and in order to keep their fans happy, Cockstar gave away $500,000 in GTA:O currency to anybody playing their online game on October 2013, as a thank-you for people putting up with their tenuous bullshit.
| |
| | |
| That won't matter for those who did the LSC money glitch and made millions. Note: don't even try it, as it's been fixed with Patch 1.0.4, and with said patch, Cockstar nerfed the payouts per mission, so there's no way to make quick money anymore.
| |
| | |
| And as for the $500,000 stimulus package, no one got it yet; Cockstar mentioned that players will get it in the following week after its announcement.
| |
| | |
| {{center|
| |
| <youtube>LtjP6tK3rcQ</youtube>
| |
| }}
| |
| | |
| == ''GTA'' Wikis ==
| |
| Proving that everything needs its own [[wiki]], the ''GTA'' games have spawned at least three wikis ([http://www.grandtheftwiki.com/ grandtheftwiki.com], [http://en.wikigta.org/ wikigta.org], [http://gta.wikia.com/Main_Page gta.wikia.com]). The one on [[Wikia]] predictably features 1000% more [[stupid]], and just like on [[TOW]], changing minor details or telling people they're wrong when they are will lead to an instant [[flamewar]]. | | Proving that everything needs its own [[wiki]], the ''GTA'' games have spawned at least three wikis ([http://www.grandtheftwiki.com/ grandtheftwiki.com], [http://en.wikigta.org/ wikigta.org], [http://gta.wikia.com/Main_Page gta.wikia.com]). The one on [[Wikia]] predictably features 1000% more [[stupid]], and just like on [[TOW]], changing minor details or telling people they're wrong when they are will lead to an instant [[flamewar]]. |
|
| |
|
| == ''GTA'' Forums == | | ==GTA Forums== |
| [http://www.gtaforums.com The GTA forums] provide a cesspit where [[AIDS|14 year olds]] can argue over which car looks or acts more like which real car, which weapons rate most highly, and stretch the definition of [[Easter Egg]] until the egg cracks. Much of the content is just strange, since ''GTA'' is not [[IRL|real]]. | | [http://www.gtaforums.com The GTA forums] provide a cesspit where [[AIDS|14 year olds]] can argue over which car looks or acts more like which real car, which weapons rate most highly, and stretch the definition of [[Easter Egg]] until the egg cracks. Much of the content is just strange, since ''GTA'' is not [[IRL|real]]. |
|
| |
|
| == GTA: A Video Guide == | | ==Video Guide On GTA: RL== |
| {| align="center" style="padding:0px;" | | {|style="margin:0 auto" |
| |<center><big>'''How to [[irish|steal]] a car'''</big></center><br> | | |{{videoframe|GTAVids|background:none|font-weight:bold |
| <center><youtube>BbeDgiou6-U</youtube></center>
| | |<youtube>BbeDgiou6-U</youtube><br>'''How to properly steal a car.''' |
| <br> | | |<youtube>NZefh269Fxc</youtube><br>'''How to lose the cops.''' |
| | | |<youtube>LEtSGcbjcH8</youtube><br>'''Escaping a two star wanted level.'''}} |
| | | |} |
| {| align="center" style="padding:0px;"
| |
| |<center><big>'''Losing the [[cops|cops]]'''</big></center><br>
| |
| <center><youtube>NZefh269Fxc</youtube></center>
| |
| <br> | |
| | |
| {| align="center" style="padding:0px;"
| |
| |<center><big>'''Escaping a 2 star wanted level'''</big></center><br>
| |
| <center><youtube>LEtSGcbjcH8</youtube></center>
| |
| <br>
| |
| | |
| Remember, unless you have a [[communism|nationalized health service]], hospitals cost a lot more [[IRL|IRL]] - so try to be more like this [[Colton_Harris_Moore|goy]], not this [[Elliot_Rodger|jew]]. | | Remember, unless you have a [[communism|nationalized health service]], hospitals cost a lot more [[IRL|IRL]] - so try to be more like this [[Colton_Harris_Moore|goy]], not this [[Elliot_Rodger|jew]]. |
|
| |
|
| Line 455: |
Line 60: |
| </gallery>}} | | </gallery>}} |
|
| |
|
| ==Also See== | | ==See Also== |
| *[[GTAForums|GTA Forums]] | | *[[GTAForums|GTA Forums]] |
| *[[OG Loc]] | | *[[OG Loc]] |
| Line 461: |
Line 66: |
| *[[San Andreas Roleplay]] | | *[[San Andreas Roleplay]] |
|
| |
|
| ==External links== | | ==External Links== |
| *[http://www.gtaforums.com The GTA Forums] Where the 13 year old boys who play these games argue over which car looks/acts more like a real car, which weapons rate most highly, and stretch the definition of [[Easter Egg]]. Pay these idiots a visit and [[troll|remind them how ''GTA'' is not real]]. | | *[http://www.gtaforums.com The GTA Forums] Where the 13 year old boys who play these games argue over which car looks/acts more like a real car, which weapons rate most highly, and stretch the definition of [[Easter Egg]]. Pay these idiots a visit and [[troll|remind them how ''GTA'' is not real]]. |
| *[http://www.grandtheftwiki.com/ grandtheftwiki.com] | | *[http://www.grandtheftwiki.com/ grandtheftwiki.com] |
| *[http://en.wikigta.org/ wikigta.org] | | *[http://en.wikigta.org/ wikigta.org] |
| *[http://gta.wikia.com/Main_Page gta.wikia.com] | | *[http://gta.wikia.com/Main_Page gta.wikia.com] |
| | *[http://gtaglitches.xyz/ Glitches for GTA Online] Where online retards are able to get rich an famous by using glitches. |
| | *[http://www.se7ensins.com/forums/forums/grand-theft-auto-v-glitches.432/ se7ensins GTA] More online retards with way more glitches and such. |
|
| |
|
| {{Gaming}} | | {{GTA}} |
| | |
| [[Category: Gaming]] | | [[Category: Gaming]] |
Coming soon: GTA: Mexico City
Now out on DS.
GTA IRL
Another rare preview shot of GTA V.
