Grand Theft Auto V

GTA IRL

Sometime Last Thursday, CockStar released their next miscarriage, Grand Theft Auto V (AKA America Simulator), which resulted in more cum spillage from fat, fanboi cargo-shorts than when their High School forgot the cheese pizza web filter.

In this sequel of the esteemed franchise you get to control three faggots who met at a local circle-jerk and try to take over the city while poppin' gangbangers, raping police officers and beating old women to death with the baseball bat you bought from the money you saved by killing that hooker (OMG ORIGINALITY).

But srsly, GTA V is GTA IV pasted over GTA: San Andreas... and PC-fuckers already made mods for that.

Characters

Typical Trevor gameplay.

• Franklin Clinton: A typical street nigger who is the least interesting of the group; became a hard ass after meeting Michael and getting fired from his repossession job. The only thing that's worth keeping him for is the slow-mo driving technique since every avid GTA player sucks at driving.
• Michael De Santa: A shitty father yet he's a successful thief, most of the time he's saving his family from dumb shit they get into even though half of the time he doesn't seem to give a fuck about them. He's also an FBI snitch; as a part of being in the witness protection program, he moved into a house in Los Santos with his family and changed his last name.
• Trevor Philips: A batshit insane trailer-trash hillbilly Canadian who has anger problems, if you try to reason with him you will have a boot being stomped in your face. His ability makes him go super saiyan mode, much like a temporary god mode which deals more damage than if you had it disabled. He also loves to dress in women's clothing and rape the shit out of stuffed teddybears.
• Devin Weston: What happens when you give a liberal shit loads of money? Devin Weston is the abortion of that, the moment you first saw him you would want to break his face into small pieces with a dildo, he also never gave you money for your work, so he's considered a jew, most satisfying thing is you can kill him in the end, unless you're a fucktard who didn't choose option C of course.
• Steven Haines: Some irrelevant FBI dickhead who wants you to forcefully suck his dick by doing his work and gets mad as fuck when he realizes that Michael's committing crimes once again. Much like Devin, you can kill him in the end.

There's a bunch others that we won't bother mentioning because of the countless amount of them, but feel free to edit the article if you have enough time to do so.

The torture scene

Oh yeah, I guess we should mention this. So, in one of the game's missions, your job is to extract information about a target from some brown guy that the FIB has tied up in a warehouse. Trevor remains at the warehouse, while Michael goes out to kill the mark, but the problem is that nobody knows what the mark looks like. So the mission is a back-and-forth between the two, with Trevor beating information from the hostage and Michael trying to find the person being described... Kind of like "Guess Who", but more violent. Here's the full scene:

Of course, due to the shocking and degrading nature of the scene, it was decried by SJWs and liberals across the land. Why, it was so bad it even made one IGN reviewer stop playing the game! And nothing of value was lost...

The true irony in this is that people will gladly play a game that lets you steal cars, murder civilians, murder police, traffic drugs, extort and threaten people, wage war against the government, do drugs, and kill prostitutes, apparently a torture scene is the line that Rockstar isn't allowed to cross.

Teh myths

Due to the massive nature of the game, many people started looking for easter eggs and other hidden shit, resulting in astronomical quantities of misleading thumbnails and video titles in JewTube. As with all other titles in the franchise, most of the these supposed "myths" were debunked, yet, people cling to the idea that they can find something interesting/worthwhile and they get pretty damn close to it, with the help of GTA Forums and hackers. From all the cesspit of myths, there are a few notable examples, with little of them actually being somewhat true:

• Jetpack - Born as an end story reward in GTA San Andreas and being the wet dream of all the players, every oldfag went look for it because "the game is in the same place". From a clusterfuck of "evidence", the best one people could find was the Mount Chiliad Mural that, amongst other stupid shit, depicts a stick man with a thing on its back that resembles a jetpack. In the end, nothing was found, eventually however, after one of the games' updates, a file with some things related to the jetpack was found by hackers, still, the jetpack was never added, causing massive butthurt;
• Aliens/UFOs - This was one of the true ones, although not quite like wanted, in a way that aliens only appear twice in hallucinations, once like actors dressed up in costumes and once like an actual easter egg during the prologue. UFOs only appear when the player finishes the game 100% and goes to specific places during a rainstorm, they cannot be interected nor approached, making the hole thing pointless.
• Mount Chiliad Mural - Not much to it, it was just a retarded mural at the top of a mountain, but the thing about it is how it made (and still does) the myth hunters jizz their pants, all because it has an eye on top of a pyramid and has three doodles at the base. Some argue that the mural is the key to get the jetpack, find an underground complex or whatever else these fine peolpe can imagine;
• Sasquatch/Bigfoot - Its origins also date back from GTA: SA, although this time is true. It appears twice (thrice, if you count the enhanced version) through the game: During a misson when the player has to kill some hillbillies with a sniper rifle and in a mission unlocked when achieveing 100% completion, but turns out it's just a furfag roleplaying. If you have the enhanced version, you can BECOME A BIG FOOT, but only if you eat all of the peyote plants.

Gallery

Gallery of GTA V About missing Pics

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  The Donald makes a cameo

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Grand Theft Auto Online

Welcome to the immersive world of GTA Online, where the vast majority of our players spend more time worrying about making ends meet than having the opportunity to roleplay as a skinhead. Also, since when did Pocahontas become a NASCAR driver?

Grand Theft Auto Online is the reason Grand Theft Auto VI is taking an eternity to be released.

Rockstar's highly anticipated online version of the game that features an open world where players can explore, level up, team up and do heists, and buy property. It was released two weeks after GTA V came out.

When it was released, it came with a shitload of game breaking glitches that bleeds into corrupting the story mode. This could have been foreseen, but Cockstar only tested GTA Online with five people in the weeks they had to prepare. They didn't expect 17 billion players on launch. This took more than three days to fix, and in order to keep their fans happy, Cockstar gave away $500,000 in GTA:O currency to anybody playing their online game on October 2013, as a thank-you for people putting up with their tenuous bullshit.

That won't matter for those who did the LSC money glitch and made millions. Note: don't even try it, as it's been fixed with Patch 1.0.4, and with said patch, Cockstar nerfed the payouts per mission, so there's no way to make quick money anymore.

And as for the $500,000 stimulus package, no one got it yet; Cockstar mentioned that players will get it in the following week after its announcement.

Oppressor Mark II

In 2018 as part of the Nightclub update, Cockstar Games introduced a sleeker variant of a previously released hoverbike (which on that note, WTF is futuristic crap doing in a Grand Theft Auto game?) known as the Oppressor Mark II which lets the player fly around the large map and most notably features lock on rockets you can fire at other players for the Lulz though you likely won't earn enough in game money to buy one of these expensive toys.

Immediately after being added to the already bloated Online, players BAWWWWWWWWWED because of how cheap the Oppressor Mark II is trivializing a lot of the metagame and being a favorite amongst griefers for causing chaos without any repercussions for their actions.

Even though Cockstar eventually added a five minute cooldown to the flying crotch rocket, many noobs still bitch and whine about how overpowered the Oppressor Mark II is despite the fact there are numerous ways to counter it such as the Up and Atomizer gun which comically knocks the offending player off their overpriced toy often falling to their deaths as a result leaving the other player free to blow up their hovering crotch rocket

See also

• Grand Theft Auto III
• Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
• Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
• Grand Theft Auto IV
• Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars
• Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Definitive Edition
• Saints Row

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