Wikichan/Roommate from Hell

Roommate from Hell was previously a wikichan article that consolidated several threads on /b/ that occured during the course of 2007.

Background of the thread

On 9th January 2007, a thread was posted on 4chan's /b/, it's purpose was for all Anonymous to detail horrible experiences with roommates.

The OP's Story

Hello /b/.

This thread is dedicated to those who have roommates from hell. Share your experiences to let off some steam. Bash your shitty roommates, past or present. Use text, use paint, just go for it.

And no, my roomates do not work at Good Burger, none of them is The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and they are not too keen on doing the Monster Mash either.

I know, tl;dr but whatever.

Part 1

So one of my roommates pisses me off ROYALLY. Let's call him "Dick". So, when I moved in I thought having a roommate like Dick would be the awesomeness (he did not show up the first few days so others described him to me). He was working on the same bachelor's as me (he also was my senior, so I hoped he could help me with my courses) and he apparently was into some other stuff that I too liked. So I thought awesomeness and friendship would ensue. Lol, I fail.

When Dick appeared for the first time, he already raised a few red flags. I thought we'd maybe sit and chill a bit, you know, get to know each other. So you could imagine I was a bit surprised when Dick rushed past me, barely acknowledging my presence, making eye contact for a few milliseconds, muttering something unintelligible that was probably supposed to mean "Hello." quietly, and then darted directly into his room and slammed (not closed, slammed) his door shut.

Part 2

I stood there, dumbfounded. I tried to rationalize this behavior. Well, I am not a repulsive guy, I usually get along well with people (and I did with my other roommates), so maybe it's just that he is shy or something. It's cool, I'm not a party animal either. As I thought this, way too shitty and way too loud music (tacky metal from the 80s) started to emanate from his room. Literally, things would vibrate in my room, it was that loud. I didn't think too much of it (despite the fact that excessive noise pisses me the fuck off and crushes what little concentration I have) and did my own thing, thinking that he was maybe busy and we could do this another time.

But in the days to come, it was always the same thing. Dick would always rush past everybody (not just me), slam his door shut, and then bombard his environment with shitty music.

Generally speaking, he had a noise problem. First of all, he never-ever used headphones. He preferred to just shit down everybody's throat with his awful music. Secondly, his voice was seriously unbalanced. Literally, he could either only mutter or only YELL. He just did not know how to talk like a calm person. His voice was shitty and hoarse as well, and it would grate away at my nerves for months to come. It's not like he had much to say anyway, usually he either laughed in a vomit-inducing way or he swore. Thirdly, he walked way too loudly. Yes, walked. You know when in FPS games the character makes loud and seemingly unrealistic *KLANK* *KLONK* *KLOMP* sounds when he walks? Apparently they modeled that aspect after Dick. And lastly, everything else he did he also did loudly. He always slammed his door shut, etc.

Part 3

Dick also had a, ahum, "interesting" sleep cycle. He would go to bed around 5 fucking am in the fucking morning, and not get up until noon the next day. Now, I can understand that he designed his schedule such that he wouldn't have classes in the morning, but I was still stuck with shit like math102 and phys102 which were at 9 am, so I had to get up around at least 8 am.

Hey, no problem, one might think, Dick should simply be a respectful young adult (he's like 21 or something) and not make fucking noise after 1 or 2 am. Well, "respect", much like "etiquette", was sadly not something Dick cared about.

So the usual night would go like this. I would go to be around 1 am since I don't immediately fall asleep and need at least 5 to 6 hours of sleep not to be fucked up when I get up. Then, around roughly 2 or 3 am, Dick would, in his "elephant stomp" way, barge into the room and of course slam his door shut. I do not wake up that easily, but trust me, if you heard the equivalent of a mammoth stomping around followed by a gunshot you would also wake up. This would be followed by his nightly shower (yes, he showered at around 3 fucking am), which made sure that I would not fall asleep too soon again. He sometimes also watched a movie, without headphones and without turning the volume down, of course.

Part 4

So after pissing me off like that for a while, I confronted him. Not in a hostile way, mind you, but as friendly as I could. He grudgingly agreed, and soon we had the first talk ever since I moved in that was longer than 3 seconds. I told him, politely, that the two of us need to make adjustments to our behavior in order to live together peacefully in the future. Notice how I said the two of us, despite the fact that I was not really doing anything wrong. I just assumed that telling him to turn that shit down and act like a normal human being would be too unfriendly, and that issuing a one-sided list of demands would also not be polite. But even then, Dick made a huge and irrational ruckus. He said that because of me (yes, in that very accusatory way) he had already turned down the volume when he watched movies or listened to music (and he had, from "atomic explosion" to "jet engine"), and that, and this REALLY pissed me off, he could not adjust his lifestyle to accommodate my needs. Wow. Just. Fucking. Wow. And he rounded it off with a "I hope you understand." I am not a violent person, but I would have almost killed him right there and then.

Part 5

But that was not the end of that, ohhhh no, not at all. In the weeks to follow, Dick grew increasingly paranoid and actually started believing that I was doing things to piss him off, that I was after him. I had tried to get him to turn that shit down by asking our dorm manager to speak with him, but she was some liberal faggot and gave me that "Oh well, you have to respect his blablabla and you should meet somewhere in the middle yadayada I am trying to be objective wordswordswords." shit which pissed me off only more. But I had pretty much assumed a "Fuck it, to hell with him." stance and stopped caring about Dick's complete failure as a productive element of society. I did not show this, did not consider him my enemy, did not antagonize him, still tried to be friendly. I just did no longer seek to have any sort of relationship with him whatsoever.

So he started accusing me of doing things on purpose whenever something happened. Accidentally burned a burger a bit? Did it on purpose to piss Dick off. Did not replace the toilet paper? Did it to piss dick off. And so forth, and so on. And he would really be up in my face about it, extremely accusatory and irrationally aggressive. As I said I just didn't care at that point, so I was all "Yeah whatever BS, son."

And this went on and on for a few weeks until finally the end of the semester came around. At this point his girlfriend also broke up with him (I felt sorry for her for having wasted time on that loser), very audibly, I might add. Apparently and not surprisingly, Dick was also an abusive asshole, and I must say it was hilarious when she told him to never talk to her again. Hahaha son, owned.

I don't know where Dick is now, but for the good of mankind I hope he gets AIDS and dies a horrible and painful death. Nobody should be forced to put up with his idiocy.

Ok, /b/, now you. Just let the rage and hate flow.

Other Stories

Nude Chick

You would think that having a nude chick as a roomate would be cool. Its not. Never has a nude woman been so UNSEXY as when she would lean over and slap her tits together loudly. Then laugh when I ignored her.

Her room smelled like rotting milk, so I avoided it. One day, I realized all of our dishes were missing. I opened the door to her room, and I swear it was like something out of a horror movie. To put it lightly, she lived in abject squalor. Dirty dishes with rotting food on them scattered about the room. Random stacks of unwashed clothes all over. Boxes and boxes and boxes of crap and.. no furniture, only a dirty mattress and her laptop on the floor... and an open container of tampons to top it off.

While the smell was bad, it didn't prepare me for when I actually entered the room. Imagine the smell of old gym socks, dipped in rotting milk, then add a thick amount of girl-smell, and you get her room. It was vomit inducing.

From then on, I forbid her from taking ANY items into her room, made her do dishes, asked her to clean, etc. The second I started making demands of her, she started offering up sex for leniency. I was like ALL HELLZ NO. I know why none of your boyfriends ever come back here. You are NAST-TAY.

Tetricide

To preface this story, I have a (male) Japanese roomie. We get along, make racist/crude jokes, and play alot of videogames together.

About the jokes....He's a /b/tard and pretty desensitized, but recently I made one about Hiroshima that apparently crossed the line. "I want satisfaction", he tells me. "What, like a duel? Are you fucking crazy?" He slumps. "No. But that's not cool. You need to get your shit kicked or something." "So who is gonna do it, you?" "You know better than that. It has to be something we're equal in."

I think for a bit. "What are chinks good at?" He scowls at me. "Tetris DS. If I win, you shut your fat fuckin' mouth about Japan for a year." "And if I win?" "You can talk shit about Japan all you want and I won't say anything about it."

So we start a Push match. He goes straight for building tetris (4 line combos). I had a different idea. I bulk up my pieces to one side of the arena. We're fighting back and forth pretty evenly until I get a few consecutive tetrises and suddenly gain the upperhand. This is when I stacked everything to the left of the arena leaving only one thin channel from my side to his. If I provided anything for a long block to rest on, he could drop several in there and the match would be over. But I don't. I sit there, looking smug, letting my pieces fall as slowly as they like. Meanwhile his are stacking up and he's running out of space, waiting for me to block the channel with a piece so he can tetris me to death. "FUCKING MAKE A MOVE", he suddenly yells. A few seconds later his pieces overflow, and the match is over.

We sit in silence for a few seconds. He looks up at me. I am grinning like a fucker. Out of fucking nowhere HE GRABS A PENCIL AND STABS ME IN THE FUCKING CHEST AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR. His heart wasn't in it so it didn't go deep, it's barely a flesh wound. As for where he went I have no idea. This all happened about four hours ago and he hasn't come home yet.

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