User:Anna/Stephen Colbert

The Colbert Report is a half-hour documentary series on the successes of IRL trolling, as presented by the Master himself, The Rev. Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. Unlike it's predecessor, The Daily Show, the Colbert Report is made of pure, unadulterated, EPIC MOTHERFUCKING WIN.

Colbert is /b/ in NORPs' clothing. His on-camera persona is a cross between a pompous, neocon blowhard and an ignorant, racist libertarian. He is actually a liberal Catholic in real life, so this is clearly a PoMo television persona heavily steeped in irony. Colbert is such a great troll that he may actually be the incarnation of Trolldin on Earth.

The Report vs. Other Shows

It differs from The Daily Show in that it doesn't so much lampoon news and current events, presenting its jokes as actual, relevant serious fucking business for mature, sophisticated Liberals, as does Jew; rather, The Colbert Report takes the news, molests it, disfigures it, mocks it and fucks the shit out of it before sending it to /b/ for additional flavor.

A more cultured viewer may notice that The Colbert Report is like a less trollworthy version of Chris Morris' "The Day Today" or "Brass Eye".

tl;dr he does it for the lulz. However, dimwitted Conservatives think otherwise.

Pet Peeves

Colbert regularly campaigns against liberals, who he regards as the cancer that is killing America. Other things that Colbert currently has ON NOTICE! include:

Distractions
Jane Fonda (Fantasies)
~~Black Hole at Center of Galaxy~~ This would be your lucky day, if time existed inside you.
Grizzly Bears
Journal of Paleolimnology
~~Israeli Newspapers~~ PARDONED

And amongst things currently dead to him are:

What he likes

But Colbert is no one-dimensional troll who hates everything; things he likes include

TOW, which he regards as being responsible for Wikiality, and which he uses as his personal army
White Jesus
Oxycodone
The fine people and products of Prescott Pharmaceuticals, including WikiNex, guaranteed to fix the anything they fucked up in the first place (side effects include Wandering Bladder, article editing, and butthurt).
The heroes.
Doritos
Rule 34 of Archie comics and Garfield

Colbert Trolling

Trolling Billo The Clown

Colbert has a love/hate relationship with his mentor Papa Bear O'Reilly. In early 2007, Colbert once again whipped out his ground-dragging brass balls to take Billo The Clown to the mat on his own show after blowing him. After that, Colbert made O'Reilly lose The Game during the interview. He also stole Billo's microwave from the Fox hospitality room and still hasn't given it back.

For his part, Papa Bear returned the favor and appeared on Colbert's show where he was promptly pwnt again. ~~Google for the link cos Viacom are Nazis when it comes to Comedy Central clips on YouTube.~~ LOOP HOLE http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/81003/january-18-2007/bill-o-reilly

Trolling Politicians

He also frequently trolls publicity-hungry politicians and the Congressional Districts they represent when they agree to appear on the show's "Better Know A District" segment. However, in early 2007, after unprecedented amounts of butthurt and fail were experienced by the Democratic party, the head of their national caucus issued a warning for Dems to steer clear of Colbert and his show.

Almost immediately, Tennessee representative Steve Cohen ignored the advice and went on the show to be ræped by Colbert by asking him whether he's "the first Jew from Tennessee" and whether his claim that he has "the voting record of a black woman" means that he is, in fact, a black woman.

One of his most epic wins in this department came when he persuaded New York Congressman Dan Maffei (D) to endorse cocaine and hookers on camera since he was running unopposed for re-election.

	“	I enjoy cocaine because it's a fun thing to do.	„
	—Maffei

	“	I enjoy the company of prostitutes because it's a fun thing to do.	„
	—Maffei

	“	Wow. You realize there is no amount of damage control you can do at this point.	„
	—Colbert

	“	That’s right.	„
	—Maffei

	“	We’d better finish this interview quick, ‘cuz I’m not sure how long you’re going to be in Congress.	„
	—Colbert

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Mr. Colbert Goes To Washington

File:Fox butthurt colbert.png

Faux News gets butthurt that they weren't invited.

On Friday Septembert 24, 2010, Stephen put his überballs onto a truck and took off for Washington DC to testify before the Subcommittee on Immigration, Citizenship and Border Security. This after he tried his hand as a day labourer picking beans in a field in upstate New York for a bit on his Thursday show called "Stephen Colbert's Fallback Position" in which he tries other jobs incase his job as a pundit is outsourced to China. Just minutes upon Colbert's arrival, Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.), the committee's Final Boss, tried to banhammer Colbert from testifying.

	“	You run your show, we run the committee.	„
	—Conyers

Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-Calif.), who invited Colbert to the hearing, told Conyers to STFU and let Mr. Colbert have at it with his 5-minute statement detailing his "vast" knowledge of farming.

Giant Balls Of Steel

But his finest moment in the IRL trolling department came at the 2006 Associated Press White House Correspondents Dinner, where he stood on the same podium as George Bush, with about three people separating them, and raped Bush. Here is the ruin in two parts.

Previous Video | Next Video

Because of his status as the Master of Trolling, Colbert has often been said to have "balls of _______," where the blank is usually filled with an enormously hard or powerful substance, like steel or brass (or adamantium, diamonds, Zeus's lighting, etc). However, a recent investigation has revealed that his balls are actually composed of a metal commonly found at the core of white dwarf stars, a metal so incredibly dense it gives Colbert the ability to crush any given noun using the gravitational forces of his balls alone.

Colbert and TOW

HEY THERE!
Hey, Anna/Stephen Colbert! I saw what you did with TOW.
I just wanted to say keep up the good work.

Colbert had always been held in high regard by many ED and 4chan users for having many lulzy jokes on his show. However, on his August 1, 2006 show Mr. Colbert went above and beyond the call of ED duty when he urged viewers to vandalize TOW.

His beef was Wikiality which he describes as TOW's version of (user driven) "truth" as opposed to what is actually true. He explained that on Wikipedia "any user can change any entry, and if enough users agree with them, it becomes true." Thus, he argued, it would be easy to solve many of the world's problems if TOW reflected the "truth" to say there were no problems.

To prove his point, he urged the Colbert Nation to change the "endangered" status of African elephants to being off the endangered list by going onto Wikipedia and edit the article on elephants so that it would say: Elephant population in Africa has tripled over the past six months.

The Wikipedos shit their pants as at least 1,000,000 people added the lulz to all the articles on elephants and crashed all of their servers. They ended up banning him out of spite. Even more awesome is the fact that what he posted on Wikipedia actually came true. [1] Thus proving the objectivity of TOW.

Wikilobbying

Colbert also has beef with what he calls "Wikilobbying" which he described as "when money determines Wikipedia entries, reality has become a commodity", alluding to a case where Microsoft got busted for hiring someone to "pretty up" their TOW entry. He also bagged on "Self-determination", where corporations are allowed to act out their fantasies online by editing their own Wikipedia entries. Colbert described Wikipedia as, "Second Life for corporations", saying if a sleazy corporation wants to pretend to be squeaky clean online, then that is their business.

Call 1-888-OOPS-JEW

See Also: Jews Did WTC

After it was recently revealed to him by a scientist that since he's of European stock, he has a 75% chance of being an Ashkenazi (German) Jew, Colbert re-installed his special phone line to allow his Jewish "friends" to call him to apologize during their ongoing Days of Atonement holiday.

As of yet, no Jew has apologized for pwning Jesus or 9/11 but this is expected since jews are too busy counting their jew gold to apologize.

Colbert has also created some butthurt from audience Jew with a shooped image of a fake airline called Air Aryan ("the airline with the most overhead arm room sponsored David Duke") and a Holocaust denial comment directed at Jews whilst roleplaying Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

	“	Ya’ll didn’t get killed by them Nazis!	„
	—~~Stephen Colbert~~ Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

For 2010, the tech-savvy Dr. Colbert added a new way for Jews to apologise to him. If you are a Jew who has offended Stephen, you can tweet your crimes using the hashtag #oopsjew either directly to @StephenAtHome or openly for all to see.

Presidential Runs

Stephen Colbert '08

Last Thursday, Stephen Colbert announced on The Daily Show that he is running for president of the USA.

	“	Because tonight, I Stephen Colbert am officially announcing that I have decided to officially consider whether or not I will announce that I am running for President of the United States...and I will be making an announcement of that decision very soon...preferably on a more prestigious show.	„
	—Stephen Colbert

Later on The Colbert Report, a much more prestigious show, Stephen announced that:

	“	After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call...Nation, I SHALL SEEK THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!	„
	—Stephen Colbert

He has entered the primaries in South Carolina as part of the "Favorite Son". For many of his 13-year-old fans, this was the first time they encountered such hilariously edgy humor, though MAD Magazine has done this shtick since the 1950s. Old meme is old.

A possible combination of bumper stickers might be:

Colbert/Huckabee
Colbert/Putin
Colbert/Colbert

~~It is also suggested that people write him in for President in '08. As many as possible.~~ NIGGER GOT ELECTED.

The official announcement

Colbert's original intention was to run in both the Republican and Democratic primaries. Due to "the man's" fascist federal election laws, Colbert was required to limit his campaign spending to $5,000 to avoid getting a free one way ticket to meet Bubba. The Republicans wanted $35,000 from him to file his intent to run. The Democrats wanted $2,500. Needless to say, Colbert's ambition to lose twice was quickly killed, and he submitted to the Jew.

Last Thursday, the South Carolina Democratic Party's Executive Committee voted 13-3 in favor of keeping Colbert off the ballot, stating that he is not a "nationally viable" candidate as he is only running in one state. The truthiness of the situation: they're just shitscared that over 9,000 people would vote for him and make them all look fucking retarded.

Speculation is that next week Colbert's giant sand-dragging brass balls will announce their intention to be running mates on an independent ticket. They're currently polling higher than Dennis Kucinich and that douche from Law & Order that isn't Sam Waterston.

Running for the Office of the United States of South Carolina '12

The Definitely Not Coordinating with Stephen Colbert Super-PAC

To take his Presidential campaign one step further, Stephen called upon the Colbert Nation to raise money for an exploratory committe for his run of PResident of the United States of South Carolina and rolled it into the Colbert Super PAC.

Once he was actually running, however, Stephen could no longer legally own the Super-PAC. So he picked the absolute best person ever to hold onto a million plus dollars with the expectation that he would give it back to him after the campaign: Jon Stewart The punchline pretty much writes itself.

Galactic Overlord of Scientology

In March 2009 Stephen Colbert officially announced that he has overthrown Lord Xenu as Galactic Overlord of Scientology. His first order was for the Colbert Nation to go to NASA's website and vote to put his name on the International Space Station. However, Xenufag Anons that were still flogging the old, dead horse that was Chanology were already planning on having the ISS tagged as XENU so Colbert's orders were a poke in the eye they had on the prize. To counter Colbert's "dick move" the Chanology leaderfags who delivered the original "Message to Scientology" vidya threw down a YouTube fatwa on Colbert.

Haters Gonna Hate

Otherwise known as killers of lulz, there are some idiots who entirely miss the point of Colbert's humor:

	“	Whatever Colbert is trying to be, it isn't coming off. He's too abrasive, in-your-face-aggressive and loud and endlessly self-promoting. If he's trying to mock conservatives he is doing it in such a way that his shtick isn't coming of as satire. He's no Jon Stewart. I wonder if Jon feels like Colbert isn't a cross to bear cuz Colbert is mostly about Colbert. He's just the opposite of Stewart. I don't like his abrasive voice and that finger pointing and the long, drawn-out insufferable demand for applause for starters, after Jon Stewart I click to something else, quickly!	„
	—Lameass

	“	i can't understand how one can dislike jon but like colbert. i like both of them and they are both wonderful satirists. their sense of humor is the same.	„
	—No