Paul Christoforo

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	“	Welcome to the real internet	„
	—Paul Christoforo, unaware of the irony

Paul Christoforo is a Boston area internet tough guy, 'roid raging douchebag, and usi-infested lolcow, who learned the hard way not to fuck with basement dwelling gamers and their king, Mike Krahulik.

Origins

For some fucked up reason beyond human understanding, Paul somehow landed the absolute last job a raging dick like him should ever be allowed to have: Public Relations. He and his (most likely single-person) company Ocean Marketting was contracted by video game hardware manufacturer N-Control to promote the Avenger, an accessory to help flipper-handed retards play Halo. This extended to processing orders and he apparently attended the Jessica Elwood school of "take the customer's money and tell them to fuck off".

One particular customer, Dave, wasn't happy that his mutant children was deprived of their vidya games, so he contacted Ocean Marketting and demanded a status update. After lying about a shipping date that physically isn't even possible, Paul proceeds to thug the fuck out and tell Dave to go fuck himself with such memorable quotes as "Son Im 38 I wwebsite as on the internet when you were a sperm in your daddys balls and before it was the internet" (part of it turned memetic by Geico, of all places) and "Maybe I’ll put them on eBay for 150.00 myself." (Also keep in mind that charging full price without a set shipping date is fraud in broad daylight. This is the first of many of his crimes.)

After mentioning PAX in his huge staple of PR successes (along with the mayor of Boston), Dave ingeniously thought of contacting Mike Krahulik of Penny Arcade. After some more back and forth where Paul digs his own grave even deeper, Mike dropped the entire chat log and his dox on the Penny Arcade home page.

The Original Conversation

From Penny Arcade:

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 16, 2011, at 1:34 PM

I ordered 2 of the upcoming PS3 controllers (invoice xxxxxxxxx—Nov 3, 2011). Any chance of getting an update of when these items will ship? I’m not really happy about being forced to pay upfront then have the advertised date of “Early December” be completely missed without any sort of update on availability. I really need one of them for a X-mas present as well. Anyways, looking forward to finally using one of these bad boys. Thanks and happy holidays.

-Dave

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 16, 2011 2:45 PM

Dec 17

- Paul Christoforo

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 19, 2011, at 11:02 AM

Thanks for the reply Paul. Can you clarify whether my particular order already sent or if Dec 17 was the first day shipments went out? I have not received any sort of shipping confirmation email or tracking information.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 19, 2011 11:21 AM

They still haven’t shipped yet on the way here from china

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 20, 2011 4:29 PM

So then delivery to customer doors by December 24th is no longer likely correct? Do you have an estimated date of when units will arrive in California? Thanks.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 20, 2011 5:11 PM

They are in the USA now in customs so its wither before or after Christmas.

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011, at 9:47 AM

I noticed the updated info on the webpage, and I don’t understand why there is absolutely no benefit given to those like me who have already ordered, and paid their money. You’ve had my money interest free for nearly two months, yet now ANY new order will get $10 off….meaning I should just cancel my order for 2 controllers, get my money back, then re-order.

My other questions is regarding item compatibility. Ocean Marketing seems to be involved with the Xtendplay controller holder, so I was wondering if the Avenger N-Controller can be used in conjunction with the Xtendplay (for both Xbox and PS3)? Thanks

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 26, 2011 10:14 AM

Yes it can be used with xtend play if you remove the stand and no one is allowed to cancel and re order if we catch anyone doing it we will simply just cancel your order all together and you can buy it retail somewhere else.

Things happen in manufacturing if your unhappy you have 7 days from the day your item ships for a refund. You placed a pre order just like any software title the gets a date moved due to the tweaks and bugs not being worked out and GameStop or any other place holds your cash and im sure you don’t complain to activision or epic games so put on your big boy hat and wait it out like everyone else. The benefit is a token of our appreaciation for everyone no one is special including you or any first time buyer . Feel free to cancel we need the units were back ordered 11,000 units so your 2 will be gone fast. Maybe I’ll put them on eBay for 150.00 myself. Have a good day Dan.

From: Dave
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 12:11 PM

Then cancel my order if you want to. I’m making a legitimate complaint about your poor communication and you’re the one stooping to childish levels, a patronizing attitude, and threats. Hell you can’t even get the spelling of my name right.

And Gamespot pre-orders…wow what a terrible comparison. Retailers take a couple dollars IF THAT for you to guarantee your game availability on the release date, whatever that is. That’s the understanding and that’s what you get. Plus, I don’t have to complain to Activision or Epic games about these issues because they’re usually not missing the street dates for their AAA titles.

Now let’s take YOUR situation:
1) You’ve promised a new product based off the design for an existing, working product
2) For the longest time, you’ve stated on your website (your failure to update regularly is another issue) the initial/special/limited batch of your new product by early December, obviously in time for the all-important holiday gift-giving season. I and thousands of other customers GIVE YOU OUR MONEY, INTEREST FREE on the promises you made online.
3) I reach out to you, on Dec 16 (AFTER you have FAILED TO MEET YOUR ADVERTISED DEADLINE AND FAILED TO COMMUNICATE TO ANYONE WHAT THE SITUATION IS) obviously a little frustrated but more curious about when I and other customers can expect the product we paid for.
4) Your reply to me is a cryptic “Dec 17” with absolutely no explanation of what that means. In the mean time you having been using funds from pre-paid customers to complete Research & Development, product redesigns, and manufacturing mis-steps.
5) You force me to follow-up with an email asking for clarification about what “Dec 17” means since the day has passed and I have yet to receive any new information about my order. Now you instead of ANSWERING MY QUESTION OF WHAT THE NEW DELIVERY DATE IS, you tell me the goods have yet to leave China… Why are you telling me this? I’m not your employee I’m your goddamn customer! TELL ME WHAT THAT MEANS IN TERMS OF MY TIME AND WHEN I CAN EXPECT MY PRODUCT I PAID FOR.
6) So great…I have to email you AGAIN trying to get a CLEAR answer from you whether a Dec 24th delivery date is possible and if not, what the new date is. Rinse & repeat: You give me an update of the delivery process (wow, thanks…you haven’t told me anything I don’t know about the order of international shipping procedures) but instead say “...so its wither before or after Christmas.” WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? GIVE ME A DATE!? One that you’re actually going to follow, because I already see “late Nov to early Dec”; “Dec 17”; and now “CHRISTMAS” in my rear-view mirror.
7) So I guess what’s left for me to do but just wait? Oh but what’s this, you’ve updated your website…Ok at least you’ve clarified the dates more, I can expect my controller my latest first week of January. But now as a “token of our appreciation” to all your “loyal customers” (you mean like customers who put up cash for you hold an use?) you’re giving a $10 coupon. Let me get this straight…so you held my money interest free for 2 months to help bring this product to market, and now some new customer can place an order and pay $10 less than what I paid? You have financially penalized me in two ways for being a “LOYAL CUSTOMER.”

I’m SURE you’re getting tons of other inquiries and I’m sure you’re not enjoying the fact that your product is not out when you wanted it to be. I and everyone else understands that “sh*t happens,” but if you want us to be understanding of that, then you need to keep us in the loop. You’ve already set yourself up for failure by making explicit promises that aren’t even “likely” given that the design and manufacturing are still be refined. Then you make sure you’re going to fail by actually taking all of our money, Not just a little bit….THE WHOLE F*CKIN BEEFALO. Why wouldn’t we trust that you’re going to deliver our merchandise on time? Besides…it’s based off an existing product so how hard can it be? Well as your youtube video shows, making any consumer device is hard and requires many iterations and improvements. But I’m not going to apologize for holding your feet to the fire. You created these expectations by acting like the release was already a done deal and by hiding the fact that it was faaaar from it.

I want my two n-controllers. I 1) PAID FOR THEM 2) WAITED 3) DEALT WITH YOUR UNHELPFUL ASS. I also didn’t want to feel like my trust and loyalty as a customer was being abused and then actually punished in comparison to other customers. But I guess we can’t have it all… so right now I’ll settle for getting my merchandise and hopefully never having to deal with you again. I’ve spent enough time writing this email which I hope you gain some insight from. If you actually do want to screw me over by not fulfilling my order, then I assure you be hearing more from me or people representing me.

You show a surprising lack of business polish for someone who’s quite established, AND an lack of awareness of your customer base: Hardcore gamers. We’re a demanding, vocal customer but the flip side is we’re loyal and eager to spend. It’s lucky for you that I really want this product because it seems really deliver on making the gaming experience more effective and enjoyable. Hell, I want to combine the aventer-controller with the xtend play to make the ugliest, most comfortable, most awesome controller ever. And I’ll still buy the xtend, so let that be a testament to your products, the rise above your poor representation.

-DAVE with a V

p.s. You look really douchy be having one youtube video complaining about the noise of traffic next to your home and then another video showing off your obnoxiously loud rice rocket (which is nice, I gotta hand it ya).

p.p.s. Welcome to the internet, bitch. That’s how I roll.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Dave
Dec 26, 2011 2:19 PM

LOL Thanks for the Free PR I know the Editor N Chief of Kotaku , IGN , Engadget I’ll be meeting them at CES .The noise complaint was for people high up on the food chain in a corporate world of real estate you have no clue about. Thanks for the Rice Rocket Compliment too love me some motorcycle . Send that over to Engadget you look like a complete moron swearing and sending your customer service complaints to a magazine as if they will post it or even pay attention do you think you’re the first or the last what are they going to do demand us to tell you were your shipment is or ask for a refund on your behalf … Really ... Welcome to the Internet ? Son Im 38 I wwebsite as on the internet when you were a sperm in your daddys balls and before it was the internet, thanks for the welcome to message wurd up. Grow up you look like a complete child bro. I Don’t have my controller so im gonna cry to the world … Really ?? Hey take that free time and do something more productive. All you had to do was check the like everyone else , people have inquired but you’re the douchiest of them all J

To all our pre-order customers looking for information on the status of their orders after a busy couple of months The PS3 Avengers are on their way from our Manufacturing plant overseas. We are aware that everyone is anticipating having their Avengers under their Christmas Tree and were doing our best to get these orders shipped out as fast as possible. We appreciate you as loyal customers and for supporting our company. Customers will start receiving their products this week before Christmas and After Christmas and into the New Year. As a token of our appreciation we are offering all our pre-order customers and new customers 10$ off your next order with us just enter Avenger1001 at Checkout. Thank you and Happy Holidays!

Oh and FYI When a street date gets pushed by a publisher on a video game you pre ordered do you cry to them too ?

You just got told bitch … welcome to the real internet check kotaku in 2 weeks when they are reviewing free PS3 Avengers we send them as well as G4 and all the other majors hell yeah , don’t forget to check Amazon, gamestop.com, play n trade , Myers , Frys and a ton of other local stores coming your way you think you speak for billions son your just a kid you speak for yourself no one cares what you think that’s why were growing and moving 20-50 thousand controllers a month. We do value our customers but sometimes we get children like you we just have to put you in the corner with your im stupid hat on. See you at CES , E3 , Pax East ….? Oh wait you have to ask mom and pa dukes your not an industry professional and you have no money on snap you just got told.

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Dave, Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 8:45 PM

Holy shit this is unbelievable. Dave, if this guy has a booth at Pax east we will cancel it.

From: Dave
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 8:53 PM

Hey thanks Mike. It’s truly a shame because I think this device is great for gamers with disabilities and problems. I think of Child’s Play and if anyone’s gonna need greater accessibility when using complicated gamepads…it’s sick kids! Shit man, I’m really gonna feel bad if I think that sick children may somewhere down the line have fewer avenger controllers because I got into a pissing match with a sad old man. Please don’t cancel their booth on my account. As much as I hate this asshole, I still WANT his product and think it should be out there. GAH, I wish I was in a position to make a competing product to really stick it to guy.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 8:54 PM

Hey Mikey,

We’re not renting a booth at pax east this year , bigger and better shows to be at we got nothing from the show . Oh so you know this guy has sold over 500 thousand dollars of product in Dec and is my main distribution arm landing us in GameStop , fry’s , Myers , Best buy , Activision , MLG , play N trade and a lot more . Were in 6 countries and you’re not going to take my money for a booth that’s a crock I can guarantee I’ll get a booth if I want one money buys a lot and connections go even further. He’s a native Bostonian from Little Italy . Who are you again ?

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:08 PM

I am mike krahulik, Pax is my show. Feel free to google me=) I can promise you that you will never have space at any future Pax event.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:33 PM

OK Mike whatever you say lol , are you sure hour not in Boston I spoke to the person who ran the show in Boston last year. If you let some little kid influence you over a pre order then we don’t want to be a your show ,Ill be on the floor anyway so come find me , I’m born and raised in Boston I know the people who run the city inside and out watch the way you talk to people you never know who they know it’s a small industry and everyone knows everyone. Your acting like a douchbag not that it matters pax east pax west , e3 , CES , Gamer Con , SSXW ,Comic Con, Germany I’m all over the place. If we want to be there we will be there with industry badges or with a booth you think I can’t team up with turtle beach , Callibur or Koy Christmas , I can’t get Kevin Kelly to pull some strings or G4 , Paul Eibler Ex CEO of take 2 , Rich Larocco Konami , Cliff Blizinski Epic who were working with on a gears version , Activision who were working with on a MW3 and Spider man Bundle , The Convention Center Owners themselves , Mayor of Boston come on Bud you run a show that’s all you do and lease a center in Cities you have no pull in its all about who you know not what you do. I’ll see space where ever I want , with who I want when I want and where I want so many ways around you and so many connections in this industry its silly. Anyway , I have no issue with you Sean Buckley Engadget, Scott Lowe IGN and the list goes on and on. Little kids unhappy with a PRE ORDER starting trouble and you email that to us , he’s a customer unless you’re his boyfriend then you should side with the company not the customer. Be Careful

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:40 PM

I do run Pax, but I also run a website called penny arcade. It’s kinda popular.

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:41 PM

Love penny Arcade !!

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:42 PM

I’m glad you like it! You will be on it tomorrow:)

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:46 PM

Great !! Love PR

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:46 PM

Mike I’m not trying to fight with you I’m really not , you should give me the benefit of the doubt before judging over one person’s bitching . Did I feed into his emails a little bit too much yeah ok . But it’s one person dude for real. No disrespect intended for you , My name is good in this industry and I know a lot of people. I’ll be at CES are you going ?

From: Mike Krahulik
To: Ocean Marketing
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:47 PM

Please remove me from this mailing list

From: Ocean Marketing
To: Mike Krahulik
Dec 26, 2011 at 9:57 PM

Your spamming me you’re not on a mailing list you idiot ! You sent me an email remember . Make sure you stir up a lot of controversy about us the more the better we needed some drama gets good blood flow going about the new product launch . Your sites amateur at best my son could put together a better site than yours and you run PAX ?? Wow , Ill put my marketing team on a smear campaign of you and your site and your emails , I have about 125 dedicated people to run PR , Blogs , Articles , Videos you have no clue who I am . Thanks again

The Internet Responds

The internet did not like what it saw and overnight, the story spread to ever corner. Dox were dropped, other incidents of doucebaggery were uncovered, and the usual lynching commenced. That morning, Paul, rather than learning , grabbed a shovel and started piling more shit on top of him.

	“	You have the power Mike Please make it stop	„
	—Paul, not realizing there is no appeasing the INTERNET HATE MACHINE.

After that predictably failed to result in an end to the rape, he followed up with an apology even Judith Griggs would have balked at:

“

Hey Mike,

I just wanted to apologize for the way our emails progressed I didn’t know how big your site was and I really didn’t believe you ran Pax , So for what’s its worth I am very sorry. Your post has obviously made my life very difficult and I have not slept yet dealing with all the spam and personal information intrusion as well as my family being smeared on the internet.

If you can please accept my apology and anything you can do to help if not me my son and wife please do. I have apologized to Dave and apologized to you what else can I do please tell me so I can make things good. I obviously care or I would not be emailing you.

„

Mike saw through this "I'm sorry I got caught" plea and posted that no, this shit will not fly.

	“	I will personally burn everything I’ve made to the fucking ground if I think I can catch them in the flames.	„

Paul went on to many other sites trying to defend himself, but kept saying gems like " I didn't know who that guy at Penny Arcade was. If I had known, I would have treated the situation a little better." Yeah, this is a man who's just admitting that he's a total dickhead to everybody but those who might be able to drag him through the mud like the pig he is. He also claims that he got 7000 emails, many of them threatening his wife and two-month old child. Note that he is the only person claiming this and is probably bullshitting about their existence, but a female voice can be heard in the background of some of his videos. (Also note that he switches tone between "LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE" and "I WILL CUT YOU" almost every other sentence, so if they do exist, he doesn't give a fuck about their safety.) None of this salvage his contract with N-Control, who was very fast to fire him and hire another PR guy, Moisés Chiullan, to represent them.

	“	I can't worry about the fact that there isn't a bus big enough for me to throw Paul Christoforo under. The internet did that for me. I think they set him on fire too.	„
	—N-Control's new PR man in this press release

But It Doesn't End There!

Paul continues his strive for the douchebag high score with a blatant attempt at extortion. Chiullan first announced this on Twitter:

	“	Again, Paul Christoforo is holding our email accounts hostage. DO NOT SEND anything to an account that ends in "@avengercontrollers.com"	„

Following it up with more detail:

“

I've been trying to get him to give up the access to these things he's been holding hostage (email accounts, Twitter, etc) by asking nicely for a couple of days. The gloves are off now.

Paul told me on the phone two hours ago that "Eight months ago, I locked down all this stuff so they wouldn't be able to fuck with me. If they don't give me what I want, it's war." His demands include a contract written on his terms and substantial compensation, both immediate and for as long as the company continues to exist. He flaunted the PR debacle he created as proof that he "made the company a success", citing all the media and public attention as the "best thing that ever happened to Avenger".

He didn't count on the fact that I anticipated all of this and have been a computer hardware and web tech since I was 14.

The thing we did have is control over the AvengerController.com domain. It was transferred away from its original account, which Paul has complete control of. Because of how GoDaddy works, that old account retained all of the email addresses and their master control settings (forwarding and so on). He has continued to respond to customer emails from his personal GMail account and lied to me repeatedly about doing so.

I tried to play nice, and Paul played stupid, acting like he didn't have access to this master account, blaming his "Indian outsourced tech team" being on vacation. I gave him two days to give over N-Control's digital property.

He finally leveled with me tonight that he knew I wasn't that stupid and that he was lying about his access to all these accounts. That's when he issued the above-mentioned threat. He reiterated that he had the hosting, email, and everything on lockdown.

„

He was too big a pussy to go through with it, but the fact that he even thought it was a good idea to do try this while all eyes were on him was just... beautiful.

Further Doucebaggery Uncovered

Other Dissatisfied Customers

Dave is not the first person to get Paul's patented "fuck you" PR stratagy. Other people have testified that Paul has stolen their money and told them to stop being little bitches about it. Also, when IGN disavowed all connections with Paul like everyone else on the internet, he did the classy thing by calling them douchebags:

He has, of course, deleted that tweet, but he obviously has no understanding of the internet and the Streisand Effect.

Plagiarism

The entire Ocean Marketing website is plagiarized wholesale from other PR sites. Even the About Us section. Couple this with the obvious extortion and it seems Paul might just be a full-blown con-man rather than merely an asshole.

He also stole a video from 1,000,000 Gamer Score that has since been DMCA'd.

Music Piracy

Steroids

During the initial lynching, a ton of other incidents were uncovered. After Paul used his Hotmail address to respond to an email from Kotaku, it was quickly discovered he used the same address to register on steroid.com and posted this little gem:

“	Guys whats up we have been here already im comming off a 16 week Test cycle its been almost 3 weeks my levels are almost back to normal i can post actual labs if you like im taking tamox 20mgs a day but my energy levels are shot im tired no motivation to go to the gym the past week whats the deal what do i need to do slap myself in trhe face and push or get some clen, winny or something else help and advice would be awsome i need my energy levels back and i need to get my ass in the gym asap, please get back to me anyone if you have advice im on msn [email protected] or post your advice here please. Thanks alot	„

For those not fluent in bodyfag, Tamoxifen is an estrogen supplement used as a post-cycle recovery to anabolic steroids.

Domestic Abuse

Note that this may be a false positive, but at this point, is it that hard to believe?

Father of the year?

	“	Priceless: you shushing your kid so you can hear a pointless speech. Awesome job, dad. Are you that bored that you film something as retarded as this and post it online? WTF is wrong with you?	„

Videos

A dramatic reading

The Douche bag begs for pity

watch part one of the BAWWW fest HERE

I'm gonna troll myself bro!

“	Well we are close to a month into the end of Paul Christoforos career in anything and i guess its only natural that he would go on to yell incoherent nonsense after writing it nonstop. It boggles my mind as to why someone would help this pile of failure do a video that does not involve him jumping in front of a bus? So Paul, your "career" is done, your company never contributed society with anything meaningful and you are a horrible person who is slowly fading away on twitter. You know this.	„

Cue lolsuit

On May 8th, Paul claimed he is now suing N-Control for defamation and withholding a payment. He decided to break the story to Kotaku with this email:

“	The grounds are defamation of Character telling lies about me my company and preventing me from making a living by lying about things that never happened and I plan on going after other people too esp .coms who printed the lies and did not retract after i asked nicely. Breach of contract for them not paying me an undisclosed sum of money Due to me at the time we parted ways and a few other things named in the lawsuit.	„

Good luck with that, Paul. Tell us if the judge finds this page and when the case gets thrown out, please ask the bailiff to execute you.

Gallery

Welcome, Paul
~~See you at PAX East~~
The other 148 sockpuppets are in the back
Paul Christoforo is now a meme
Christoforo, at his finest.
REDDIT Trolling
Paul offers plane ticket
How Paul REALLY feels about Gabe.

Paul's wwebsites as on the internet

Sources

Paul Christoforo is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

Paul Christoforo is part of a series on

Trolls

Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.

Paul Christoforo

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