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Neowin

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Warning!
Neobond has forwarded this article to the Neowin legal department!


Neowin is technology news review site geared towards console and OS fantards that actively focuses on unoriginal, stolen, and self-described unprofessional content. Neowin is also a community concentration camp for fanboy level users; A veritable petri dish for basement-dwelling virgins, skript kiddies, 13 year old boys, and the occasional female.

History

Originally a Microsoft fanboy website based off a shitty PHP-Nuke script, Neowin used to suck. At least 100 years ago to the present day, Neowin still sucks.

From its mediocre beginnings, Neowin has evolved into a cesspool of thoughtless group think, with social dynamics not unlike those seen in the classic work 1984, or its IRL version, Auschwitz, except with less Jews and moar kids.

Culture

Much like taking a solemn oath, or joining a fraternity, each and every member of Neowin is obligated to either worship Microsoft four times a day or participate in an Apple fanboy vs Anti-Apple fanboy thread, under penalty of sodomy and ban. Things which are made of AIDS and fail include, but are not limited to:

  • The sharing illegal ISO's of Windows on IRC, the mere whiff of a mention regarding pirating in the forums equals banned, fucker.
  • Exist as a Microsoft enthusiast site, yet have multiple forums dedicated to web development, Linux, and Mac.
  • Poorly-written, simplistic reviews, which exist solely so the effete owner, Neobond, can use the money from the site to attend tech conventions.
  • Even more poorly written editorials that exist for the sole reason to allow staff members to espouse their fanboyism

League of Hypocrites

The major Neowin controversy is regarding piracy. Irony, they love Microsoft but they don't pay for their software: Windows, Office and Adobe Photoshop. Go on their forums, ask for an XP serial, and you'll have pimply basement-dwellers tell you how your disenfranchising a great company, despite the fact they are using a pirated operating system themselves. In recent pool made in the forums shows 90% owns modded Xbox consoles, conversely, only 10% claimed not to have Asperger's Syndrome. Neowin once had a reputation system, however it was decided that because their staff cannot bend this to their will, and prevent the liking of posts that they don't personally approve of that this system would be disabled, the general consensus being that anything that was a threat to their power lust just has to go.

Neowin "Events"

Truly unprofessional journalism, as no one really enjoys self-indulgent blog postings made by the kids who get a free ticket to go an adult operation such as WinHEC, CES, etc. See for yourself, no comments or discussion, and if someone does, it's only because they wishfully think that mod ass-kissing will get them something. Kids, it doesn't work like this.

Neowindex

Original as usual, this annual IRL gay orgy for Neofag staff and members, is named after the popular glass and hard surface cleaner.

Community demographics

Half of the Neowin community admits to being virgins. This means the other half of the community did not answer the poll truthfully.[1]
File:RL6M5.png
Petrossa's slick nigger-rigged entertainment center: A cheap old TV shoved into a broken wall.
17% of Neotards like male breasts.
The sausage fest that is Neowin.
File:Neogay.png
Neowin or Neogay? You decide.
Fresh showing his intelligence - "please explain to me why a another animal cannot be a people?".

The Neowin community, also known as the gay community, is a symbiotic grouping of morons united by a common self-laudatory celebration of Neo-faggotry.

Generally made up of intellectually vacuous fucktards shunned from participating on other tech sites that require higher standards. The community has a diverse range of basement-dwelling virgins obsessed with computers who claim l33t level knowledge, and regularly wank each other into near-total oblivion. The community is a modern-day sign of the coming apocalypse, an example of why small children should be kept away from the MySpace.

Members of the community are generally referred to as Neofags, but euphemistically refer to one another as "advanced users" or "hobbyists." Within the Neofag genus there exists identifiable subspecies, such as Neonazis, Neotards, Neotrolls, Neowankers, and Neobitches.

Given that Windows 8, phones, tablets, and Shitbox One have all failed spectacularly, Neospergs are quite bitter lately and will rage at anyone who doesn't like MS products, which is just about everyone. The "moderators" of course ignore their own rules, allowing asshurt MS fanboys to post all sorts of vile, puerile garbage against MS detractors. Anyone pointing out the hypocrisy or actually reporting all the shitposts is swiftly banned.

Neofags

In scientific nomenclature, all the morons who inhabit Neowin are known as Neofags. This catch-all label is also used for Neofags that don't meet the criteria of any Neofag subspecies or illnesses.

  • Budman - An insufferable know it all, whose advice should be avoided at all times.
  • hdhood Another insufferable know it all that appears to be emerging from under the wing of Budman to both a bigger know it all, and even more of an annoying tosser.
  • Sethos A schizophrenic faggot with a persecution complex. If he ain't shitting up that shitheap of forums, he's spergin' like crazy on IRC.
  • Scorbing - is a disgruntled MacTard after discovering he lacks the intelligence to use any video editor on Windows he baught a Mac ... A week before it became obsolete by the 2009 models. Mustn't have solved his problem because the fucktard is right back at square one.
  • LTD - A true Mac fag. The nazis finally eliminated LTD, heil heil!
  • Hum - Hardcore Neowin community fixture who lives to spam Neowin with the most dubious and mind numbingly dumb articles he can find.

Neonazis

Despite claiming to be fair, or "giving you chances" Neowin's staff are actually rightfully known as censoring-ban-happy moderating Neo-Nazis of the Internet. Neowin's staff are mainly populated by socially awkward pseuds that conflate moderating a quasi-popular forum with an unwarranted sense of self-importance. Insecure about lacking real-life accomplishments, such as yourself, the Neonazis act out fantasies of power, dominance, wisdom, and significance, but in actuality just have moderating privileges, and an unlimited amount of time at their disposable to press the <F5> key.

  • Frogboy - CEO of an insignificant LAN Party called Stardock. Frogboy bought himself into Neowin shit, and has been on a power trip since ever, notably if someone talks about him or expresses a subversive opinion about his products. Frogboy's intent was to use Neowin as a vehicle to advertise his products that nobody wants to buy anyway. However when this became clear to most Neofags, Frogboy got other people to write posts about his products for him.
  • creamhackered aka Tom W
  • bma
  • warwagon - The only Neonazi who is open about living in a basement.
  • Neobond - Creator of Neowin. By his mandate, anyone who speaks of adblockers will be banned. Is also an arrogant self aggrandised fuckwit who is never wrong, and reacts to the slightest question or criticism with extreme amounts of aggression and arrogance.
  • Bangbang023
  • gigapixels
  • simon360
  • The_Decryptor
  • giga
  • RadishTM - The banning Nazi.
  • shockz
  • Joel
  • Sean Bradford - Steals fucking news articles if you submit them to the news desk
  • Sazz181 - General douchebag.
  • Anaron - Dare to call anyone a troll in his presence, and you are banned, you naughty mother fucker.
  • Andrew - This guy is so retarded that he can't tell the difference between voicing an opinion about the state of politics, and a personal attack.

Neotards

The Neotards are considered mentally retarded even by Neowin standards. Neotards are users with dogmatic political, religious, or ideological beliefs and agendas. Neotards often start threads pushing their agendas delusions, and constantly get their ass handed to them in each thread. The Neotards mainly hang out in the "Real Word Issues" forum, though none of their posts are actually firmed in any kind of reality whatsoever.

  • Mazhar - is also a faggot for Allah, probably an even bigger one than ZAnwar. Apart from being uneducated he displays a serious lack of reading comprehension, and is utterly incapable of giving a straight answer to any question, probably due to the retardation caused by several generations of Islamic brainwashing and inbreeding. he also has a serious obsession with rape, probably caused by the fact he doesn't have a chance in hell of getting laid, or because his religion doesn't allow masturbation. When not at his computer posting about how wonderful allah is, Mazhar spends most of his free time in his sandy shit stained hut dreaming of marrying, then having sex with his 9 year old cousin
  • Fresh - A multicellular organism that has a single cell for a brain. Fresh exhibits the inability to grasp the most basic concepts, and is incapable of making a single logically coherent point. This makes him the wet dream of all leftarded Neowinians that need to pwn someone to feel smart or impress other Neowinians. Among Fresh's favorite obsessions are denying the existence of: foreskin, gravity, anthropogenic global warming, AIDS, Muslims, the Internet, and You. When Fresh isn't getting pwned on Neowin 24/7 he likes to pray to Jesus for more stunning insights. Has admitted to having feelings for his goat, and his intentions of eventually marrying it.
  • Gaius - It is speculated that Gaius is a sockpuppet of Fresh because they are both so painfully stupid that the chances of having two faggots so equally retarded and delusional on the same forum is unlikely. However, after recalculating the overwhelming amount of fucktards on the Internet, and specifically on Neowin, the chances do not seem that unlikely. When Gaius isn't getting shredded by Neowinians that have a level of education higher than 6th grade, he worships Ron Paul.
  • Anarcho-Capitalist - Gaius' reincarnated as Jenny McCarthy without the "rapeable" face or female reproductive system. Anarcho-Capitalist is a typical Healthfag 2.0, that is, he gets all his info on "healthy-feel good-hippie-faggot-living" from dubious sources online that wouldn't know real science from Patchouli if it ejaculated in their face. He is best known for promoting debunked vaccine conspiracy theories, advocating the vegan lifestyle, and its benefits, such as being immune to cancer. Was beaten during his childhood by kids who became doctors, which lead to him hating medicine and the health industry.
  • Reidtheweed01 - The words have not yet been invented to describe just how harrowing his stupidity is.
  • V9s - Another e-terrorist posting shit on the name of Allah ( Easy to confuse with ZAnwar ), Spreading Jihad on Neowin.
  • 7dash8 - A mindless corporate mouthpiece that won't waste any opportunity to tell music pirates how evil thy are.
  • Dot Matrix - Pretty much the Microsoft version of LTD. If Microsoft released a shit in a bag he would probably buy it and tell everyone how awesome it was.
  • adrynalyne - A smug and annoying know it all that talks down to anyone who has a less than glowing opinion about any product Microsoft produces.
  • Gary7 - A mentally retarded member of the alt-right who is a Donald Trump fan, and although he supports Trump's brand of "I fucking hate everyone" politics, he's actually a whiny little faggot that goes crying to moderator the moment he hears an opinion that his tiny little plebeian brain cannot handle.

Neotrolls

  • C++ - Suffers from Internet Tough Guy Syndrome.
  • Snyper - A fat boy who finally has an outlet to act out on, where he's shielded from ridicule.
  • Boz
  • williamhook alias WilliamTM
  • Mail
  • gregb0b
  • CuCumber
  • Shakey_Snake - One of the resident pseuds, pedants, and foobar2000 fanbois. Acts like a fly on shit in attempts to correct other Neofags -- with all that fodder he still fails about half the time. Meanwhile he modifies over 9000% of his original posts to conceal his own ineptitude.
  • Elliott - A guy that looks like he is on his way to take over from LTD as Neowin's resident macfag. He loves to get pissy with anyone who doesn't think Apple are absolutely wonderful, and has a secret crush on Steve Jobs
  • Kingcracker - A paranoid American faggot and gun nut that thinks the gummint are out to get him, and that home invasions are a frequent occurrence, and as such has a boner for guns and a deep hatred for anyone that doesn't like guns that frankly makes Rush Limbaugh look sane

Neobitches

Butthurt faggots who sign up to Encyclopedia Dramatica and edit this article to remove names from the list of Neofags, Neonazis, Neotards, etc.

Neowankers

Obscure faggots who asked to be put on the list

Gamer's Hangout Fags

  • PreKe - truly one of the greatest retards the site has known. Unable to understand that 40 million Xbox 360s + 35 million PS3s = 75 million consoles is more than 70 million Wiis, this fucktard is surely American.
  • Xendrome - the new moderator on the scene taking Anaron's and DirtyLarry's place. A heap of shit has more personality than this guy who lacks any sense of humour. Gamer Hangout fags should make it their mission to piss him off & retire yet another mod as quickly as they can.
  • .Rob - his name is Rob and when he's not punching holes in walls, he's punching womenz. He absolutely hates to lose & the very thought of doing so almost brings him to tears, after he's raped a small orphan & drank a bottle of JD that is. You'll usually find him playing Fifa or Gears of War shouting racial slurs & sending death threat PM's over Xbox Live.
  • AWBrian - a douchebag who plays golf, and works at a hotel owned by someone just as retarded as he is. Can be constantly seen trying to debunk actual facts. When eventually proven to be wrong, he just shrugs it off with a "whatever", and ends up looking like a complete whatever-the-hell-he-is.
  • Spookie - An obese, ugly looking motherfucker with a serious case of superiority complex. The guy would like to call himself a gamer, yet he lives and breathes the shitheap known as 'World of Warcraft', occasionally a bit of Team Fortress 2 to establish the fact that he enjoys sucking dicks. Most of the time he's on welfare but would like to be portrayed as a gaming feinschmecker. He also loves a bit of attention and will find every opportunity to hate on Call of Duty ( yet buys every single one of them ), Microsoft and anything that doesn't allow him to grind for 12 hours straight.
  • Livin in a box - a self proclaimed know-it-all pirate. Only 15 years old, James Martin believes he is part of the gaming industry after writing news on an unknown website in the dark corners of the internet & joining the free resource site GamePress.com. After causing a stir among the regulars of the Gamers' Hangout recently, he will now be tormented & targeted at every opportunity as punishment. LOLITWASAJOKE!!1!
  • Schiz-o-phren-ic - possibly the most retarded fanboy Sony have ever had defend them, likely due to his upbringing in America's wang state, Flori-duh. Unable to comprehend basic English, you will often find members repeating themselves in a child like manner which Schzio is able to understand (barely). His activity spikes when a shit storm hits the forums over Microsoft related news, closely followed by one of his imaginary Xbox 360 appropriately dying from RRoD.
  • Draken - the dirty Mexican pirate of the forums. You will only see this tard post when the latest game leaks online where he feels the need to share this momentous occasion.
  • Popisdead - although now banned from the Gamers' Hangout, Popisdead was mentor to many PoS3 fags including Schiz-o-phren-ic. Joining the site in 2008 initially Popisdead was unnoticed until he was called out for being a pirate. He then used his Sony-gypsy magic to convince the mods to ban this member & cover his crimes. However, a few months later his cover was blown once again by the Gamers' Hangout Elite, who provided proof of his warez. This was the beginning of the end for Popisdead, who was shortly banned from the Gamers' Hangout but returned under different usernames. Members took to the intrawebz to trace the Sony DF leader & have him banned 3 more times, as well as locating his home address & other personal details. Bitch got pwned.
  • Minifig - having an unhealthy sexual relationship involving sticking Lego men up his ass and watching YouTube videos narrated by other like-minded tards, 'Minifag' likes to complain about shit no one really cares about. Minifag also suffers from unwarranted self-importance.

IRC

A microcosm of the community forum, the IRC channel is full of fail and considered to be deaths waiting room. Highlights include "arguing about Windows, Mac and Linux" and rushing to help any female specimen (Swuzzlebum). Both of these activities cause extreme fapping.

IRC fixtures include:

  • Kennyout - Posts news articles no ones particularly interested in. GTFO!
  • Popcorn aka Popcorned aka Higgins aka Beastages_Wife - Multiple personalities, watch out.
  • Chronopoulos - Druggie that lives at home with parents.
  • Kudos - Complete faggot, loves to ban if you hurt his feelings
  • Pandya - Professional Microsoft cocksucker, likes to dip his dick into stacks of Windows 95 CDs.

IRC users (mail, Mike, Simon360) love member projects and will do anything to please the Gods (Kudos). Launch a new product? Hang out in deaths waiting room and you'll be a millionaire in no time.

Shift Linux

Shift Linux is Neowin's short-lived and failed Linux distribution.[2]

Acts of Neowin genius

   
“ 		 
I believe that jews did wtc.
  		„
  		 

—Neobond, creator of Neowin.net

   
“ 		 
Call me conservative, but people are taking the issue of freedom way too seriously
  		„
  		 

—Some Neofag

Pathology of Neofaggotry About missing Pics
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