Shrooms

All mushrooms contain psilocybin, a powerful, fun hallucinogenic drug. The common myth that only certain mushrooms are edible and that some are dangerous is propagated by Jews to control the market. Look for white mushrooms with caps, bulbs, full veils, and about 2-4 inches high. We happen to be experts on this.

Basics of shrooms

Mushrooms work best on an empty stomach, and some find it helpful to enlist a friend, one who is too much of a pussy to take drugs himself but nonetheless desires acceptance from drug users, as a "sitter." A sitter is a sober person present with you throughout the trip -- there to assure you that you aren't having a psychotic breakdown, as well as to prevent you from interacting with other humans during the experience.

The trip

Upon eating mushrooms, at first the consumer will think he hasn't taken enough (two grams) and will consume requisite five grams more. This is followed by a gradual escalation of losing your fucking mind, peaking in three to four hours of utter terror. The experience of thoughts and visual sensations heretofore accessible to only the most renowned luminaries of art and philosophy is overshadowed by the overwhelming realization that you are poor, your parents hate you, your house is a filthy and flimsy piece of shit, and you are not where you ever hoped to be in life. Meanwhile, although you know perfectly well that no one has ever died of a psilocybin mushroom overdose, you can't help but wonder if perhaps you'll be the first, or if your friend-of-a-friend actually sold you batch of one of Psilocybe's lethal cousins -- all you know for certain is that you are helplessly witnessing fast, permanent, and irreparable damage being done to your own intellect.

The Comedown

Rather suddenly and by some miracle of Jesus, the terror subsides, providing you an hour or so of lucid thought. Have paper and pencil to write down every single amazing idea and goal on how you want to change your life. After this, the trip fades entirely with no negative lingering effect, as though you may as easily have spent the day watching TV and doing housework, rather than squirming about hysterically on the floor for seven hours, struggling for dear life to maintain hold on reality.

Fly agaric

Amanita muscaria or Fly Agaric (AKA the shrooms in Super Mario Bros.) are not psilocybin mushrooms, nor do they produce the same effects, but are completely legal and grow pretty much everywhere. They are mildly poisonous if eaten raw, but sun drying them, and then either simmering them into a tea or baking them at a low temp (180 °F) will kill the poison and make the drugs more potent. It's even fried as a delicacy in same places, but that also kills the drugs. Taking them in small amounts (1 cap) will only result in headaches while your brain feels like it's spinning 5000 times a minute. Taking larger amounts (2-6 caps) will result in hallucinations similar to ODing on DXM and you will probably have conversations with tiny gnomes and imps,objects will look bigger or smaller than they're supposed to be, and if you sleep it off you will have fucked up dreams. For best results, drink tea made with it on an empty stomach, and then drink your mushroom-tainted piss, srsly.