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2016 Presidential Election
The battle over who should be the ultimate boss of America for the next 4 years began in 2015, kicking off a long, polarizing and grueling election campaign cycle that quickly divided the United States to a state of near-civil war. Here's a shortlist of the assholes who tried to represent you, and the one who won, and reflected the American's rejection of liberal faggotry, and will make America great again.
Candidates
After the primaries shook out many candidates that nobody cares about, only 2 candidates that mattered remained in the race for the presidency. Because you are too fucking lazy to know who they are, and because mainstream media has decided to suck the collective dicks of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, here is an exhaustive list, so that you could have made an informed decision at the voting booth:
Republican
The Republican party is blessed with an embarrassment of riches when it comes to fully qualified, and totally not batshit candidates. Each of them is funded by organizations which want only the very best for America. Among these mighty losers were:
- Jeb!, a low-energy quitter from Florida, who has quietly dropped "Bush" from his campaign posters, for brevity of course.....not at all to distance himself from the highly successful administrations of his father, George Herbert Walker Bush, and brother , George W Bush. "Please clap".
- Ted Cruz, Canuckistanian of Mexican heritage who is against immigration. From Texas.
- John Kasich, Oh-high-oh governor and lover of mangled fetuses.
- Of course, no RNC slate would be complete without a candidate likely to be indicted, Chris Christie, who dropped out and endorsed Trump
- Also "Little" Marco Rubio and that guy who is named after poopdick.
- REPUBLICAN NOMINEE
- President Donald Trump - The God Emperor of Mankind, and famous IRL troll. Mostly known for being Rich & Beautiful and having Sexy hair and wives. Drove into Washington on a train with no brakes, proving that YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP.
Democrat
The Democratic slate currently spotlights two experienced crooks politicians:
- "Crooked" Hillary Clinton, whose entire life led to this moment as the Democratic candidate, despite being a Republican fisting fan with a healthy record of corruption.
- Bernie Sanders✡, an IRL Socialist who writes rape fiction in his spare time.
- Martin O'Malley- former governor of Maryland and mayor of a city so bad it's homicide rate was comparable to the third world. While he was mayor they made two shows about his city, Homicide, and the Wire.
- DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE
- Hillary Clinton - a corrupt, lying, career politician and crazy grandma whose "brand" is having a vagina with extra testosterone. Thinks being a wife of a former president that has very low standards is qualification enough. Ask her about the six years she spent on the Board of Directors of Wal-Mart, or why she supported Dubya in the run-up to the Iraq invasion.
She constantly defends her rapist husband constantly, making her, literally, a female cuck. Also called Berners 'basement dwellers'.
Others
Every election has its Ross Perots, Ralph Naders, and general nobodies who don't stand a chance. This is 2016's crop:
- Jill Stein✡ - some far-left Green Party candidate. Supported by many bernouts.
- Gary Johnson - back again for round 2 as Libertarian Party candidate, after amassing a million voters last time. Climbed a mountain, rose out of the extreme poverty of New Mexico, made his own company, and is pro-weed. Tried to get the votes of the #NeverTrump people in the GOP. Went insane and lost all credibility, but still managed to amass almost 4 million votes- another historic win for the Libertarian Party.
- Zoltan Istvan - atheist author running as an independent, also wants to turn everyone into cyborgs.
- John McAfee (Libertarian) - the murderous (and sexual deviant) creator of McAfee Anti-Virus; originally ran under the "Cyber Party" but switched to the Libertarian Party. Similar in performance to his software, he got 3rd place to Gary Johnson and uncommitted voters.
- The Republicunts were soo pissed off at Trump they called for a "serious third party". Lol. The best they have come up with some far is Evan McMullin, to be confused with Egg McMuffin, especially when it comes to his head.
Spoof Candidates
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Dropped Out
The roll call of the lost (funding). This is a list of candidates so shitty that even the wealthiest donors decided they weren't worth the money:
Democratic
- Bernie Sanders (D)✡ - a bat-shit insane socialist who believes in taxing people at 90% like when your grandparents were growing up. So weak that BlackLivesMatter are able to usurp him at his own rallies. He's an old, old man and smells like one. Like all major advocates of socialism, he's painfully Jewish. Made r/politics and Dindus go apeshit when he endorsed Hillary.
- Lincoln Chafee (D) - a weakling who was formerly a Republican but has since become a Democrat.
- Jim Webb (D) - compared to the others on the Democrat side, he wasn't that bad. That's why he dropped out. He killed a guy.
- Lawrence Lessig (D) - some Liberal Harvard Professor who announced too late and ended up going nowhere. Jimbo Wales was his campaign director. Not joking.
- Martin O'Malley (D) - The mayor of Baltimore when a bunch of niggers burnt that town down.
Republican
- Bobby Jindal (R) - Former Governor of Louisiana, also a curry-fucker who tried to appease the Christian crowd to no avail.
- Lindsey Graham (R) - another neocon senator from South Carolina and is known for being John McCain's butt buddy. Endorsed Jeb! after quitting.
- Scott Walker (R) - A Harley Davidson lover with a bald spot.
- George Pataki (R) - Hasn't been in office in a decade.
- Rick Perry (R) - Ran in 2012, but after Coming off as weak on illegal immigration, he sunk to the bottom. Endorsed Trump only after he became the presumptive nominee and calling him a 'cancer to conservatism' earlier in the race.
- Mike Huckabee (R) - Ran for president in 2008 and won the Evangelical state of Iowa but lost everywhere else. Endorsed Trump.
- Rand "Short" Paul (R) - Another candidate in the line of Paultardery. Son of former meme Ron Paul. He is also a midget manlet.
- Rick Santorum (R) - Again?
- Carly Fiorina (R) - The Failed CEO of Hewlett Packard. Also tried to go the Hillary route of emphasizing her vagina to limited success. After Lyin' Ted got mathematically eliminated, Cruz nominated her as his preferred VP.
- Chris "Krispy Kreme" Christie (R) - The current Governor of New Jersey. Get a warrant you fat fuck. Closed down a main road to New York because he didn't like the Democrats running the state. Sacrificed himself to God President Trump in order to expose Rubio as a robot who malfunctions when asked to deviate from a prepared speech.
- Jim Gilmore (R) - Some Governor nobody cared about and remained at 0%, yet he was still in the race for 8 months even when most pollsters had given up polling him and didn't get invited to the debates. Only got 12 votes in Iowa and 133 in New Hampshire. Did even fucking worse back in 2008.
- Ted Cruz (R) - Senator who is also a smug douche and thinks he is eligible to be president even though he was born in Canada. Defrauded Carson of votes in order to win in Iowa. Thought attacking New Yorkers in front of Trump would work. He is the Zodiac Killer, and his father was involved in the assassination of JFK.
- John Kasich (R) - Some brat that was a banker for Lehman Brothers when it collapsed along with Jeb Bush. Current governor of Ohio. Notable for making a campaign promise to reunite Pink Floyd in an attempt to gain the vote of every stoner with a copy of The Wall or DSOTM on vinyl. Endorsed by the Chicago Sun-Times lololol [1].
At this point it is literally mathematically impossible for him to win, but he is still deludedly in the race.lol not anymore GEE SHUCKS OH JOLLY. - Jeb! "Low Energy" Bush (R) - Dubya's younger and more retarded brother. A foolish guac bowl merchant. Spent over $100 million in superPAC money and got fuck all for it. Failed to realize that people don't want a 3rd Bush in power even after legally changing his last name to an exclamation mark.
- Retarded Neurosurgeon Ben Carson (R) - also known as "Gentle Ben" or "Sleepyeyes", further reassurance that the Republican Party does not discriminate against the low energy folk. - The only black guy on either side and believes that the Pyramids were built to store grain. He's also a doctor. He is the human expression of deep coma. The only reason he joined the race and stayed in it up to this point is to shill for his book, which explains why he took a break from campaigning to engage in such a book tour. But hey, there's a movie about him with Cuba Gooding Jr.
- Marco Rubio (R) - A lightweight first term senator like Obama who suddenly thinks he can lead a country of 300 million people. A member of the Gang of Eight (Miami Beach Foam Pool Party) and ex-Mormon. Best known for being apprehended by police while cruising around a street notorious for harboring gay prostitutes. Also wants to dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing; he knows exactly what he's doing.
Presidential Debates
It is tradition for the top candidates to battle it out in a live, televised debate, discussing the most shocking, dividing and controversial current topics. These debates are often held just months before the election is decided. For the 2016 Elections, three debates will be scheduled, between Shillary and The Donald.
Round 1
On September 26th, the first debate begun at 7:00 PM, Eastern time. It took place at Hofstra University in Hempstead New York. The debate was (to the surprise of nobody) rigged in Shillary's favor; most of the personal attacks (if not all) initiated by the moderator (some fag from leftist NBC) were towards Trump. Throughout the debate, Trump pulled his usual cards of acting like a rude guido jackass and constantly interrupting Hillary, whilst she tried to ignore it and act polite, dodging all the true accusations Trump threw at her, such as the Emailgate shit. Sadly, Trump didn't reveal his power level too much and didn't tear her a new asshole - yet? Afterwards, the jew-controlled media did the usuall shilling for Hillary, manipulating poll data, and continuing to rig the elections in the favor of the kike 0.01% elite's favorite puppet.
Round 2
Trumpkins in the audience were already expecting Trump to reveal his power level a bit more this time around with Britfag Nigel Farge jumping the Atlantic to coach Donny on how to really grab Shilllary by the pussy. Ironically, Clinton News Nework loser and 'moderator' Anderson Cooper started right off the bat blindingly attacking Trump for not cucking to Islam or other men womanwise, forgetting that his candidate is a; married to Bill Clinton, and b; takes money from Sharia Law lovers, inshallah indeed. After Trump called him out on this and told him to sit the fuck down and actually moderate, Anderson proceeded to have a temper tantrum, bawwwwing at Hillary to wake up from her nap and help him berate Trump. The Debate continued as such, while Trump himself grew visibly tired of reminding everyone in the audience that Bill Clinton is Bill Clinton and that Hillary wasn't good enough in more ways than one. Meanwhile, Hillary was having a wet dream that anyone with more two brain cells gave a fuck about how Trump was being mean to people and how words were far worse than actions. Some more boring comments later, Trump, bored out of his fucking mind, brought up the big elephant in room, being Wikileaks, who earlier leaked emails how the DNC took Bernie Sanders Campaign out Old Yeller style, and forced him to concede to Hillary. Hillary then responded by recounting her wet dream all while revealing that the emails leaked were legitimate and how she's glad Heir Trump doesn't run the country, Trump then replied back that she'd be in jail if he was. There was also something about Russia but nobody gives a fuck. Anderson and the Bitch next to him were then told by their higher ups to push Trump off this topic before it was too late. Trump then went Over 9000, telling Clinton he knows 'she wants off this topic', and told Anderson to stop being an interrupting cunt again. The Debate later continued as such, in a very similar manner with the Moderators sillily trying to debate Trump instead of moderating with Hillary. Later, it was revealed that the debates were rigged via another fucking email leak, to the surprise of no one.
Round 3
Round three was not as heavily anticipated as the previous two, given that it was already clear that the Hillbeast had nothing interesting to say, but in an unexpected show of strength Donald revealed his full power level and easily BTFO'd the Hilldog, as seen below:
Gallery
Result
The Election 2016 Map
If you want to plan a trip though America, here is a guide for which counties to avoid depending on who you voted for.
Aftermath
It cannot easily be overstated just how much butthurt the results of this election spewed out onto the Internets. Rumor has it that the Internet Hate Machine was set to permanent overdrive for the first time since Anonymous became a pile of moralfag hippies, as innumerable Tumblrinas, social justice warriors, leftists, and assorted other members of the nu generation all began suffering from immediate and terminal levels of anal assault. What was simultaneously a day for the normie history books will assuredly go down in the annals of the lulz as people cried in public, rioted, looted, acted like idiots on video, and generally behaved like toddlers at the results of a democratic election. Below, for your enjoyment, is a mere sampling of the finest salt to be produced by liberals unable to accept that they lost big. Of course, if you aren't fucking lazy, or if you should find the sodium supplements below inadequate for your needs, you could go and look just about anywhere on the internet, because enough salt is currently being generated to supply dining tables from now until the heat death of the universe.
Butthurt Liberal Aftermath
Moar info: Moving to Canada.
Moar info: Liberal Butthurt Syndrome.
Previous Video | Next Video
4chan /pol/ - LIBERAL BUTTHURT THREAD #3 (find it in 4chanarchive plz)- 4chan /pol/ - The tears taste sooo good
- 4chan /pol/ - BERNOUTS ARE GOING FULL REEEEEE
- 4chan /pol/ - Liberal Salt Thread
- 4chan /pol/ - Can we have a nice liberal tears thread?
- 4chan /pol/ - And so, the butthurt blaming of white people begins.
- 4chan /pol/ - This is the forth time in history the Candidate with most votes loses the election
- Trump Presidency Creates Mountains Of Salt From Butthurt Liberals (archive)
- 4chan /pol/ - Delicious liberal tears topic.
- 8chan /pol/ - #CutForHillary
- 8chan /pol/ - THE KIKES ARE LOSING IT
- 8chan /pol/ - TWITTER SALT: ONLY THE FINEST
- 8chan /pol/ - SALT THREAD 2.0: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
- 8chan /pol/ - Libtard Mother and Sister crying
- Yale professor lets students skip test to cry libshit tears
- "I'm So Scared"
- Celebrity Tears
- Final Map
- Laughable checklist for libfag survival in Trump's Amerikkka (includes openly using social media to organise cucks willing to shelter illegal immigrants)
- Alt-Right Declares Total Victory: ‘We’re the Establishment Now’
- Hillary Clinton had concession speech ready… but was too upset to give it
Liberal Tears
Salt Mines
Non-Dildosuck Aftermath
Really late into the night, after it was pretty well assumed Trump was the winner, Steven Crowder (during his live podcast) just suddenly erupted into a glorious nth level drunken rant against TYT that largely summed up the collective feelings of every infuriated American who had, had just about enough of the liberal whiner-baby bullshit...
- 4chan /pol/ - ITT: Teachers and Students Reacting to Trump
- We Won. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
- Dear Liberals: This is Now the Era of Revenge
- Putin Congratulates Trump! Ready to Restore Relations!
Muh Russian Hax0rz
Libtards have been trying to pin Trump's miraculous victory on Russia, by insisting that they hacked the DNC and rigged the election. So far, no concrete evidence has been found. Obongo further instituted sanctions on Russia and pulled out 35 Russian diplomats from America in a globalist attempt to trigger WW3, rather than risk The Donald. Putin, not being a complete retard little bitch like Obongo, instead welcomed the american diplomats and their children to a new years party.
In reality, Russia was only "involved" in the sense that the VPN services used to "hack" the data (using that word real loosely) were located in Ruskie Land... but that doesn't mean the Russian government was directly involved in any capacity other than simply not giving a fuck what anyone does through their sloppy assed communications grid. Normally data of that type is harvested opportunistically from whichever sites are getting lots of traffic and whichever sites have the weakest security. The data thieves use VPNs in Russia and China to hide their tracks because they're so dirt cheap and then they turn around and sell the data on the dark web to who ever wants to buy it (most often spam artists). The fact that it got picked up and bought by parties interested in using it for political fap fodder is just complete happenstance.
In short, accusing Russia of hacking the election makes about as much sense as blaming a fucking fork for making you fat.
We got incoming!
Welcome to Florida 2.0. Jill Stein of the US Green Party is trying to force a recount in three key states in order to pull the Electoral College 'rug' out from underneath Trump's victory. Of course she isn't going to take the money at all for herself, oh no.
- 26 November 2016: Hillary Clinton campaign team become parties to Stein's legal action
- 6 December 2016: Michigan Court of Appeals deny her petition for a recount. 16 potential electors down the drain for Stein.
- 9 December 2016: Michigan Supreme Court basically confirm the above decision.
- 12 December 2016: Her petition for a re-count in Pennsylvania got rejected in the district court.
- 13 December 2016: Wisconsin recount actually gave Trump 131 MORE VOTES in terms of his lead (844 more total). She basically struck out 3/3. GJ giving her all those millions you dumb cucks.
See also
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2016 Presidential Election is part of a series on Donald Trump. You're gonna love this article, believe me. |
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| Featured article November 14 & November 15, 2016 | ||
| Preceded by Hillary Clinton |
2016 Presidential Election | Succeeded by The Great Meme War |
| Featured article November 8 and 9, 2017 | ||
| Preceded by Chris-chan |
2016 Presidential Election | Succeeded by Seattle4Truth |