Heterosexual

Heterosexuality is a disease whose symptoms include abortion, teen pregnancy, domestic violence, child abuse, divorce, nagging, denial of secks, and incest.

The fate of most heteros...

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Nothing to see here, folks. Just another day in a heterosexual relationship

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Straight guy by California standards.

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What Heteros do in their spare time.

Heterosexuality is the leading cause of pregnancy and venereal disease. The only reason why heterosexuality is still around is to propogate homosexuals, since gays have evolved past the necessity of reproduction in order to ensure the prosperity of the group as the breeders(or human incubators) take care of this issue for them. Homophobia, a staple of heterosexual culture, is put simply: gay envy.

The heterosexual male tries to find a way to return to the womb by exploring a woman's vagina. In addition to this subconscious wish for incest, heterosexual men have a greater propensity for rape, domestic abuse, and pedophilia than fags. Rape and abuse are the straight man's way of saying "I love you".

Result of heterosexual intercourse

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Result of heterosexual intercourse. Well, she's definitely screaming all right.

1. You get a screaming bundle of joy, instead of that bitchin' Camaro, motorcycle, or pretty much anything else awesome

2. For the male, there is the constant presence of a fugly, potbellied pregnant lady constantly eating pickles, who's never gonna regain the figure she had before pregnancy.

3. A near year of stressors that age you physically. Denial of secks, and the male having to do a bunch of extra work for the female who will have her own list of burdens to struggle through, such as waddling around like a fat duck who can barely support herself.

4. Cleaning diapers. There's going to be a whole lot of lemonade/fudge play going on among heterosexual parents.

5. No sleep whatsoever, only the bloodcurdling screams from the baby. A screeching baby that transforms into an annoying toddler; an annoying toddler that transforms into a bratty adolescent; a bratty adolescent that transforms into a crackhead teen; a crackhead teen that transforms into a dependent young adult who will still be living off of you until age 30, at which point (s)he will put your elderly ass in a nursing home.

Comments often made by heterosexuals

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Yet another situation where its up to the offspring to play the role of marriage counselor

It is very possible that the male partner can go the entire romantic relationship without ever hearing his female partner because he's busy staring at her boobs whenever his female partner speaks. The initial words of his female partner may catch his attention for a millisecond, but once that millisecond is up, the male partner's attention is deflected towards her boobs because remember, in the straight male's mind nothing else about the female is worth the time of day.

• "We’re getting a divorce and will volley our offspring back and forth via a bunch of legally set up visitation crap. Don't forget all the hostile interactions that we'll have that will most likely end up on trash TV, forcing the little guy to suffer for his entire life with no alternatives but suicide, or running off to San Francisco and washing his hands of the entire heterosexual experience."
• "That dude I screwed last night took off this morning and now I'm pregnant. Now my baby isn't going to know his daddy."
• "What do you suppose we could get for the brat in Thailand?"
• "I didn't know parenting would be so much responsibility. I'm outta here LATERS!"
• "Yeah, I'm married, but she isn't around."
• "MWM seeks blowjob from GWM, aged 15-20. Discretion required."

Why straight men are pansies

In nearly every heterosexual relationship these days, the women are boss, call the shots, and wear the pants in the family. What ever happened to the days when men were calling all the shots and laying down the law? Well, that can certainly be found within the gay community but not the straight community. The television world highlights the typical heterosexual relationship perfectly. Most sitcom women are accustom to pushing their husbands around. As just a few examples, Roseanne Conner, Debra Barone, Carrie Heffernan, Lois from Malcolm In The Middle, Rochelle from Everybody Hates Chris, etc. Women being scared of their men, like Lucy was of Ricky is an outdated concept. Straight men are prime examples of pussies these days. Constant cases of women emasculating their men because straight men are pansy-assed and can't stand the fuck up to women are seen everywhere. Straight women have recently come up with a method of controlling their men through refusal of sex, a problem not seen in the gay community, since both males are dtf so they don't have to worry about crap like that, and the whole romantic relationship is smooth sailing since their relationshios are based on equality. Gays have the same interests and communication styles which is not the case for the straight community. The straight community is an example of how OPPOSITES DO NOT ATTRACT. which really sucks for the str8 peeps.

Successful heterosexual relationships are generally the ones where the male agrees with everything his wife says, whether she is wrong or she's right, because straight women bitch like no other, and straight men are profoundly moronic. Countless heterosexuals come out of the closet about their situation, admitting to wearing the skirt in the relationship as opposed to the pants. Straight men say the secret to a successful relationship is just agreeing no matter how right they may be and how wrong the "Misses" is. Truth is, because straight couples hate each other, they refuse to allow gays to marry. See Homophobia

Effeminacy and Heterosexuality

Homosexuals are erroneously connected with effeminacy by many heterosexuals. These heterosexuals are just presumptive and wouldn't assume a manly man walking down the street is gay even though it's wholly possible that this manly man is gay or bi. Despite that, the anti-gay heterosexuals tend to assume all the campy guys are gay and all the manly guys are straight. They never assume manlier guys are gay or the in-between of bisexual when slews of them are, just as slews of effeminate men are str8. Hell, there's even a word devoted to effeminate straight men: the metrosexual male. The popularity of straight men acting metrosexual has grown immensely. With str8 men like Chet of the Real World [1], the Backstreet Boys and Nsync, it's astonishing how so many heterosexual connect effeminacy with homosexuality.

Warning out to all female heterosexuals

Just a warning out to you heterosexual ladies: you all outlive men, so good luck spending your golden years all alone because your man died on you, you sad and pathetic bunch of widows. Have fun hobbling around on your own with no one to talk to but the wall, or of course your adult children who really have no interest in your life and are secretly hoping you die so they get the inheritance.

Warning out to all male heterosexuals

Just a warning out to you heterosexual gents: women put on a bunch of make-up and will give amazing head on all the dates you go on with them prior to marriage, suckers. Don't be surprised when a couple days after you say "I do", she's won and will change drastically in both appearance and behavior. By the way, if you heterosexual males thought you were getting someone out of your league hotter than you are on your wedding day, you're sadly mistaken. That was make-up, doing wonders. Little known fact: physically speaking, women age faster than men. [2]

Homophobia

Homophobia, or gay envy, is a big deal in the straight community. Gays know how to have a good time, and straight people hate them for it. Similar to women's cock envy of men, men have gay envy of homosexuals. Through the transitive property, women also have gay envy of homosexuals. And cock envy. Hence the experimentation with other chicks and obsession with gay men.

Also, gay men are effortlessly surrounded by dozens of women who want their John Thomas, and straight dudes can't deal. Straight guys look at vag and can't figure out what the fuck to do with it, and are known for having group forums on how to handle it. Dumbassery at it's finest.

It's well known fact that the gays get all the ass they want anyway and never have to worry about an eggo in the preggo. Jealous straight men hate this aspect of homosexuality, and the fact that gay men and women are far more interesting than breeders. This combined with their repressed sexuality and being on the receiving end of handjobs from their best friend since they were 9, culminates in an increase in hostility towards the gay community as a whole and is a form of self-loathing for being a horrendous hetero.

Eventually the majority of straight men begin to realize that yelling the word "faggot" doesn't change shit; so "if you can't beat em, join em" comes into play and thus we have bi-curiosity.

On a side note, notrious heterosexuals include: Osama Bin Laden, Hitler, Stalin, George Bush, Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, and other shit stirrers. In short, straight people are prone to being either terrorists or retarded.

How to Identify Heterosexuals

According to a Google Image Search, this is what the ever-elusive heterosexual man looks like.

Heteros? With hair like that? Bitch, please.

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Real heterosexuals don't look like this.

Males:

• General ignorance
• Mindless personalities that match their monotone "I'm a dude" voices.
• A chav, douchebag, or guido. All closet cases.
• Avoidance of child support
• Unsafe around little girls.
• Finds Dane Cook funny.
• Knows endless information about sports, operating machinery, what he did with his 'buddies' last night, etc.
• Represses his feelings by acting like a douche and getting plastered. Insecurity is not pretty my friend.
• Secretly wishes to have sex with Brad Pitt.
• Roid Rage. (and other kinds of rage)
• Has watched Meatspin all the way to the point until they're considered gay, but still deny the fact.
• Calls you a faggot because you like to watch Basketball instead of Football, which makes perfect sense.
• Suffer from Unwarranted Self-Importance
• 50% of straight male conversation is devoted to Sports (no homo?), 30% is doublespeak, meant to hide their attraction to their other "straight" friends (yeah homo), and the other 20% is about their cock (definitely homo).
• If all else fails, stick a cock in his ass. If he has an irrational violent response, he's probably a heterosexual.
• If he responds favorably: heterosexuality is equally probable.

Females:

• Cry a lot
• Cannot field-strip an assault rifle
• Cannot name more than three Indigo Girls songs
• Get almost raped a lot
• Pretend to be lesbian in order to garner male attention
• Feminazi

Both:

• Deny their love for the cock
• Have complexes
• Able to identify more than two allied or Axis powers or a type of plane used in WWII.
• Unstable when angry, and tend to bitch slap
• Pussies

Don't drink in mixed company

Homosexual Interactions with Heterosexuals (aka "Dances with Breeders")

CHB keeping it real.

Interactions with Male Heterosexuals

• Fags: Heterosexual males are all secretly gay, and dress and groom poorly merely to divert attention from their inner queer. Another known fact that proves this is that men like to watch other men get sweaty, spank each other and play with balls (also known as sports, an archaic way of displaying dominance over all of the other closet cases). Likewise, it turns out men really have no problem showering or comparing penis sizes with other men. In fact, one of the ways men prove how manly they are is by participating in circle jerks with their "open-minded" friends. Gay men should keep this in mind at all times and flirt with them shamelessly. Remember: the free $100 Barney's gift certificate is available every ten recruits.
• Dykes: Heterosexual men will either ask you exactly what it is you do in bed, or will attempt to involve you in a three-way with their heterosexual (or possibly bi-curious) girlfriend. In response to the former, make shit up—the more physiologically or morally unlikely, the better. Bonus points for including any sort of complex mechanical or electrical apparatus that does not belong in the pu55y, such as in-ground garden sprinkler systems. For the latter, see above. If you come to the man's house and you find out his bi-curious girlfriend doesn't actually exist and this was all a lie to have sex with you, you can do two things. A). Pretend you were almost raped and bitch about it on Livejournal or B). Rape him in the ass with a strap on.

Interactions with Female Heterosexuals

• Fags: Heterosexuals are known for being several months to several years behind the curve on all things stlyish (particularly those that involve fabric for some reason). For this reason, heterosexual women will ask you to give them makeovers, redecorate their apartments, or go shopping with them—or worst of all, teach them to smoke a pole. No matter what you do, do not give in to their requests. As the saying goes, you can lead a whore to Prada but you can't make her think. As with baby birds fallen from a nest, it's best to let nature take its course. No one likes a gay guy with eighty billion dateless straight whores clinging to him like those little maggoty things in the Chamber of Ordeals from Twilight Princess. Heterosexuals (male and female) will suck the awesome out of you until you become an arrogant, fashion-retarded douche. Females do this in hopes that you will come to enjoy being an arrogant, fashion-retarded douche SO much that you will be compelled to give them teh cock and become straight. The best thing to do is make them think their "magic" is working, and use them to seduce their straight boyfriends.
• Dykes: Heterosexual females will annoy the shit out of you with bullshit like "ur so lucky to be a lesbian omg cuz u dont have to suck dick." They will complain to you about men incessantly, hoping to play on your natural inborn hatred of teh cock. This is an excellent opportunity to get them to fill out an application. Start by agreeing that leaving the toilet seat up is an unforgivable sin (even though you yourself probably pee standing up), then gradually work towards loaning her your Birkenstocks and maybe even taking her to a Womyn's Music Festival. Before you know it, you'll be one step closer to your monthly quota. If the dumb bitch's incessant whining becomes too much, you can always give her an application to gurochan instead.

Super Powers

Heterosexuals possess the creepy ability to make new people out of nothing, a form of black magic some seek to eradicate while others believe this entitles them to be treated like gods. The process is incredibly disgusting and is akin to something one may have seen in the movie Alien. It should be noted that Mormans and Mexicans are gradually using this ability to populate a second Earth.

Heterosexuals are also known to possess a sonar which allows them to detect homosexuality from a mile away. Although some argue that this is achieved merely by labeling anyone who doesn't talk about their dick at least once every five minutes as gay.

Straighties come in five distinct types (three male and two female): douchebags, secret douchebags, sluts, secret sluts, and Chaz Bono. By their powers combined they are Captain Shitstorm and are single handedly fucking up everything, one holocaust at a time.

See Also

• Breeder
• Not Gay
• Heterosexual Invisibility
• Homosexual

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Heterosexual is part of a series on Psychology

Heterosexual is part of a series on Sex Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage.