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Keycorp

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This is an old revision of this page, as edited by imported>Gryphoniz33 at 05:59, 15 December 2011. It may differ significantly from the current revision.
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A pissant private company located in Ausfalia. There were, until recently publicly listed. Some gullible venture capitalists got sucker-punched in the 'nads and while they were on the ground, writhing in agony, Joe Bonen (alleged CEO) and his merry band of cunts grabbed the contract and forged these venture capitalists names. From that point they were no longer answerable to shareholders and their delusions of grandeur firmly took hold.

Keycorp CEO Joe Bonen relaxing with a friend after tense negotiations with a mirror in his office


Keycorp or as it is often referred to, Cuntcorp is 'managed' by a group of grade-A tossers. You would be hard pressed to find a stingier,meaner and more morally bankrupt bunch of drop-kicks this side of Australian Politics. Actually they would make excellent politicians as they are forever making promises they fail to keep. Essentially they're just a bunch of miserable cunts who delight in exploiting the steady stream of workers. I can't think of any other nice things I can say about them as a group so I will complement them individually:

- Joe 'where's my mirror' Bonen. The CEO...Chief Excreting Orifice. He does not like denim so no casual Fridays at Cuntcorp. A vain, egotistical and arrogant tool of a bloke who would have been right at home in Hitler's Nazi regime.

- Craig 'I can almost tie my shoelaces up' Little. The trusty lieutenant to The Bone. Enough said.

- John 'I'll save you $10,000 on that one JB' Bridger. A strange specimen with a hormone imbalance and the resulting 13mm clitoris. Has jew-gold hidden up his arse coz he is a fuckin' jew cunt.

- Cathy 'old age and treachery always triumphs over youth and skill' Livingstone. A small, fat, ugly, talentless, toxic cunt of a woman. At least I think it's a woman. It may be just a big, talking turd.

- Jackie 'SMILE' Suey. Always has a sunny disposition and willing to help new staff with any questions or problems. A pure delight to be around. NO, not really. Just another miserable cunt of a thing.


A Keycorp board-member lubricating the skull prior to a heavy session "I mainly do it for the lulz, but jeez, it does feel really good!"
This victim lived to tell the tale. Unfortunately her memory was pretty fucked...never can remember where she left the eye-patch, let alone the parrot.
Why don't you REF PFS this, cunt!


This crude assembly of people and resources which some may refer to as a 'business' is situated in one of the more crappy parts of Fairfield, the inner northern suburb of Melbourne. Appropriately, it is currently situated on an old rubbish tip. Many ex-employee's are buried in the foundations of the new premises...after their skulls have been thoroughly defiled by management at one of their Black Masses. Aboriginals, though not common in the area after they were used for veterinary experiments in the 1950's, can occasionally be seen stealing petrol from cars parked in the local streets.


So when management isn't skullfucking the remains of some unfortunate ex-employee who failed to make it out the building, they are fucking with the minds of present employees. Their philosophy as an employer is too push people too their limits. Therefore the 'rotating-door' policy on employing new staff. Where most normal organisations treat people as individuals with feelings and emotions, Keycorp's treatment of their staff is on a par with how the cattle are treated in Indonesia prior to slaughter. We are all waiting for some disgruntled ex-employee to return to the building, a blank look in his eyes, an AK-47 with many spare clips in a sports bag and the desire to share a little love around. High-velocity hollow-pointed love.





WELL, SUCK ME DRY AND CALL ME DUSTY

The dust appears to have settled somewhat. Now that we can see who has been brutally raped by who, and in which particular holes, I can stand tall and say, ' I told you so.' While I'm here I may as well piss in a few skulls...where else but the empty, unseeing, befouled eyesockets. Do my Cuntcorp duty and wash the crusty semen off my fallen comrades. I will give them all honorable burials if the KYC brethren of Satan can keep their peckers out of the various orifices for at least a couple of minutes....and after I stop laughing.

How totally predictable these lovely folk of Keycorp's management turned out to be. If you thought the Salem witch trials and McCarthyism were figments of a long-forgotten past, well just pass that mouldy Rye bread round the table and think again...after a seizure or three.

He received an email so he MUST be as guilty as the one that sent it.

Did you see the dodgy way he looked at us all yesterday? GUILTY! Fire him! No need for any severance or redundancy payouts coz no one here except us are employed as full-time, permanent.

Hey, that fella who left a few weeks back (which one of the two-dozen might that be?) looked really depressed. I'm sure I thought I heard him say nasty things about your enormous clitoris, JB!

That bloke was a mate of his. Lets play Good Boss, Bad Boss on him for a few days and see if he knows anything? That's AFTER we murder his kids, right?

Jesus-fucking-christ! How could they write this kind of stuff? Head's are gonna roll! And when they stop rolling, I can't wait to get my end in some of those tearful eye-sockets.


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