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Men
| OFFICIAL MAN THEME SONG |
Men are great hairy piles of lust and rage, gigantic war-mongering rapists, these chunks of unbridled muscle run the world with a sadistic smile. They shoot their guns and smoke their cigars with giant protruding erections, stopping only occasionally rape and pillage your mom.
Although this is not always the case, as some men have no true masculinity, creating the many dreaded subspecies of men, see: Homosexual, Basement Dweller, Transvestite, Chris-Chan, you and so on. Their true "man" spirit is diminished and they wander the world as irritating flamboyant husks while the wimmins laugh and pity them. Men tend to come in many shapes and sizes, but one lingering aspect that connects them all is their luscious dongs. Floppy tools of the secks variety that supply the common man with his seemingly unlimited supply of unwarranted self-importance, if said appendage is removed it nearly always transforms the man into a blubbering suicidal wreck. Therefore a handy way to deal with them.
Activities of Men
Men are notorious in their slightly overzealous eating habits. They will clean out your fridge in a matter of seconds, shoving as much dead animals into their face as possible. They will then wash it all down with 300,000 gallons of Mountain Dew and top it all off with a delicious twinkie. Men eat for many reasons, but the top two are bored or depressed.
After a decent meal, men will then undoubtedly crack open a few of the cheapest most commercial cans of beer they can find, then flop down on the couch to catch a game of handegg. This can escalate, however, and you may end up with a large frat party on your hands. Upside down drinking contests and awkward sexual experiences with other men are abound. Leaving them hanging off the side of their parents bed with various swearwords scribbled on their naked arse and a whole heap of regret. Men drink for many reasons, but the top two are bored or depressed.
If you are a russian man, the drinking experience is slightly different.
If your typical man can manage to find a disgusting woman with the least amount of self respect possible, they may very well get their dick wet before the night is over. However if the man's horrifyingly deformed features don't manage land him a pretty lady, a potato with a hole in it, or rape, is fine too. This is the shortest of the man's activities and will usually last around 10-15 seconds. Men fuck for many reasons, but the top two are bored or depressed.
The Life of the Average Male
Inside the mother's womb, during pregnancy, a beautiful fetus develops. Half the time, this future-child is doomed to be clusterfucked by testosterone, which leads to the creation of a man. As this boy develops into an adult, he gets closer and closer to the faggotry of the male species.
In his teenage years, the average male has to face the shame of dealing with puberty, which includes awkward changes to the voice, hair growth, acne, and public boners for hot teachers. If he's lucky, he'll join a sports team, which will lead to him actually getting laid, but may also lead to STDS and life-ruining teen pregnancies.
By his 20's, if he hasn't made himself a member of the football team, he probably spends his days drinking responsibly, reading classic literature, fighting to legalize all the drugs, or cursing at 12-year-olds on xbox to feel tough. The most unfortunate of the species have become anime fans and, accepting the inevitable fact that they will be virgins for life, they develop a resentment for women in the real world and spend endless days on 4chan debating which pure and innocent underage anime girl is their waifu. Other symptoms include living in nostalgia for the "good old days" before they became men, and voting for Ron Paul.
By 50, if he's lucky, the average white male has had the privilege of marrying a woman just like his mom, who does his laundry and cooks while he rests his back boobs on a couch watching Fox News and complaining about the liberal media bias, or watching MSNBC if they're gay. Most likely, he'll resent the fact that he never lived up to his childhood dream, or the fact that his wife has a better job than he does, so he'll spend the rest of his days groaning about bitches and whores and requesting cheezburgers before dying of Type 2 diabetes or prostate cancer at the age of 65.
It is a highly-promoted scientific fact that 85% of men's thoughts begin inside the penis. In reality, this number is closer to 95%.
With the rise of male inferiority, a result of women having become smarter than men [1] and starting to earn more money than men [2], there came a rise in the already-epidemic bestiality, loli, and furry trends. Who needs grown women when you have a dog, half-dog, or a 5-year-old? Or your hand.
Attached to the groin area of most men, these floppy doo-dahs are used for a large variety of activities. The lesser known ballbag, hangs gently underneath, causing all other sorts of hilarity by impersonating your grandfathers face.
A List Of Some Notable Men
In fact, nearly anyone notable evar is a man. Or at least a man in spirit.
See Also
 Men is part of a series on articles which are the subject of retarded edit wars |
Beware all ye who tread here Atheist • Ape • AQ Worlds • Black Jesus • Christian • Chimp • |
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