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Mass Effect
{{Spoilers|THE COLLECTORS ARE PROTHEANS! HOLY SHIT, THE SHADOW BROKER IS A GUY FROM A B& ALIEN SPECIES! LIARA BECOMES THE NEW SHADOW BROKER! MASS EFFECT 3 [[INEVITABLY ENDS WITH SHEPARD BEING DEAD OR FOREVER ALONE}}
Mass Effect is an RPG/Shooter from those nerds at Bioware that also brought you such classics as KotOR and Baldur's Gate. The game focuses on complex game mechanics such as shooting people and picking which gun to shoot people with. You can also be a woman. The game has received praise from critics and has spawned a recently released dating sim sequel cleverly entitled "Mass Effect 2".
Gameplay
Mass Effect 1
The gameplay features a lot of talking to people in the form of Bioware's unique dialogue system. It's supposed to be innovative and allow for a varied and dynamic conversation, but it basically boils down to a few key points:
- Option 1: Good person answer.
- Option 2: Bad person answer.
- Option 3: Middle of the road person answer.
- Option 4: Please keep talking.
No one chooses option 4. If I wanted to learn about your stupid Mass Effect universe I'd go listen to the menu's 80-something hours of contrived nonsense. PROTIP: If you hit the X button or the spacebar it makes them stop talking.
Mass Effect 2 actually can get credit for Renegade and Paragon options, which basically means when a little sign flashes on your screen you can get the talking person to stop, saving you whatever sanity you have left.
Another portion of the gameplay revolves around riding elevators. The third portion of the gameplay is shooting stuff. Until it dies. Oh ya, and you can also use psychic powers or something.
The greatest feature of this game is the ability to punch some fucking nigger cunt fox pundit in the face for being fucking dmub enough to try to talk to you about getting some sweet alien ass in the first game.
The sequel to 2007's Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2, saw several changes to both story and gameplay. For example, it introduced a reloading function which made about as much sense in the story as, well, the rest of the story. The combat was improved and the plot made much "deeper". Basically, you collect pet hamsters and model ships and can attempt to romance one of the hot aliens, such as Jacob. Every nerd's delusional dream. Unfortunately, no Fox News story this time.
Missions
The game is separated in to main story missions and side quests. The main quests are the only decent part of the game. The side quests consist of riding around in your vehicle that controls like a remote-control car, and finding interesting things to do on different planets. The only downside to these missions is that there aren't interesting things to do. Bioware thought they could pull a fast one on us and basically copy/paste every single explorable planet and change up the story a little bit and no one would notice. It becomes painfully obvious when you see the exact same building or underground complex twenty times.
Inventory Management
Have you ever tried to use Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet when you didn't have a keyboard and also couldn't see the screen and were trying to plot data points concerning every fiscal transaction ever made in the history of the world while being repeatedly stabbed in the neck by an 12 year old who is also screaming 80s pop songs in your ear? Well get used to it.
Plot
Mass Effect 1
Some years in the future, humanity has discovered on Mars the ruins of an dead and technologically advanced sentient race (absolutelly not a sci-fi cliché), and surprise, it is full of schematics and other stuff which explains how to travel faster than light. That -and the discovery that Pluto's moon, Caronte, is a frozen Stargate- has enabled humanity to join the ranks of a UN-like gallactic organitzation, where all the races can freely whine, pay for some Asari prostitute and accomplish nothing.
A few years later, the player takes the role of Captain Kir...I mean, Commander Shepard, a rookie space agent in a glorious quest to seek and destroy another special agent, Saren, who has gone rouge and allied himself with the Reapers, a race of giant space squidheaded robot-douchebags(literally), and in Mass Effect 2's case, the terminator -who, from time to time, decide they want to exterminate all advanced organic life (not you), for no apparent reason and run off laughing, (seriously wtf) and its army of mindless robots (in fact, in this game you only kill zombies, robots or brainwashed people) As the plot thickens, it is revealed that Saren has decided to abide the genocidal vision of his new masters because he thinks that his/its/their return is inevitable, so, if organics help them, maybe they will be spared. Of course, all of this is bullshit. As is stated during the game, the Reapers need the help of Saren because they are trapped in the cold and unforgiving void between the galaxies, so they are effectively unable to exterminate nobody. So: Their return is inevitable if, and only if, someone helps them to return, if not, they are a bunch of losers doomed to a horrible existence of endogamy. Therefore, the only reason their return and mass killing is inevitable is because... well, because someone helps them so they return and mass killing becomes inevitable. Sarem could have said them a sane Fuck you, I'm not your bitch.
There is also something about the Reapers brainwashing people, but it is also stated that brainwashing cannot override freewill and conserve highly complex cognitive processes at the same time, making the aforementioned brainwash a long and irreversible process of continuous mental degeneracy which ends in the total and utterly destruction of the subject's ego and mental capabilities (ie. zombified) So yeah, the history is as logical as if someone caged in a prison warns you that he wants to rape you and all your friends, but you believe that freeing him will somehow spare you and your friends from your inevitable Mass Rape (wat?).
Besides, the game has no decent cleavage so it sucks anyway.
Mass Effect 2
The game designers, aware of the shortcomings of ME1 plot, decided to write a new thrilling and immersive story, thereby expanding ME lore, cleavage and intellectual appeal to new levels of success.
Mass Effect 2 follows the erotic and pointless adventures of Commander Shepard after he saved the galaxy from being eaten by giant omnivorous machines. The game begins with the destruction of Shepard's spaceship by unknown enemies, a nuisance that sends the breathless -literally- Shepard to the space. Somehow Shepard's body is rescued and almost resurrected by human supremacist scientists working for the Illusive Man -a ME1 terrorist bad guy now turned good guy- who informs Shepard that humanity is under attack , entire human colonies are being abducted by Reaper's mindless slaves and that nobody gives a fuck about that. Having nothing better to do and no life whatsoever, Shepards decides to save humanity.
Instead of making Shepard do the smart thing and blow up the Reaper base with the nuke you used during Jack's loyalty mission, the developers thought it would be a better idea if you spent a good 15 hours in a circle jerk trying to recruit new squad members. Those that do join you are dumbasses and can't kill for shit. They are unique in that they all have the same characteristics (ie.work for free, eat shit and die), a task so difficult that everyone says it's a suicide mission. Nevertheless, you have to play REALLY bad to die, in fact, the normal survival rate is much greater than in 'Nam or any other war : 100%
Once the team is ready Shepard infiltrates the Collectors base, where he discovers the truth behind the human abductions: they are being liquefied so their genetic material can be used to create new Reapers. This is an idea that has much sense because, as everyone knows, to have the DNA of something you have to kill it first; that's why when the police needs your genetic material you have to choose which one has to be grinded and liquefied, your brother or your sister. Besides, during the game it is implied that the Reapers are doing this to save humanity through destruction, so they can gain greater levels of complexity, consciousness and meaning. That also has much sense and it's absolutely not a sci-fi cliché.
At the end of the game, to decide the fate of humankind, Shepard fights with a giant aborted Terminator fetus. GOTY 2010!!!111
Mass Effect 3
Oh noes, Earth!
Rumor has it that Bioware decided to screw over the last remaining fantards whom still look forward to the story's ending by giving the game one ending and one ending only where everything and everyone is basically boned. In a series which was mostly famous for giving the player multiple endings. A few Biodrones are furious about this sudden lack of freedom but others decided that if they'd actually fork out cash for a Happy Ending DLC then all would be right with the world. This is probably E.A.'s intention for maximum profit, considering Biodrones seem to have no idea about the terms imagination or "Fuck Bioware".
A cliché ending where Shepard gallantly sacrifices himself/herself in order to save galaxy is probably in the works.
Characters
Most are rehashed from KOTOR.
Mass Effect 1
- Commander Shepard: The main character. Be Paragon to be a goody-two-shoes, or Renegade to actually be funny and make the game amusing as hell since you're a douchey space Jew.
- Wrex:Basically a dinosaur with a shotgun voiced by John Goodman. He is good at not being a faggot unlike the rest of the cast.
- Tali:A Quarian in space that doesnt put out. She masturbates to technology and has to wear a mask because space AIDS has ruined her immune system. Also, the internet has a hard-on for her. Everyone wanted to do her in Mass Effect 1, but because BioWare is such a fucking cunt, none of Tali's tits were seen. In Mass Effect 2 you could do her, but you never saw her face. Nerds were sad once more.
- Liara: A blue alien that you can have sex with, whether Shepard is male OR female. She was put in the game solely because people whined you could not fuck Mission Vao (another blue alien) in KOTOR. Mission's 14, guys. Jeez.
- Ashley: A racist Christfag whore. No one likes her because she believes in jesus. If you suggest a threesome with her and Liara and Shepard she's like "What the fuck?" Was originally supposed to be able to eat Shepard's cunt but anti-lulz forced its removal.
- Kaiden a.k.a. Carth 2.0 is just fucking obnoxious and you will be forced to sacrifice him as no one liked him either. He was supposed to be bisexual.
- Garrus: He's some sort of alien cop dude. Even though Kaiden is Carth 2.0, Garrus has more fangirls, who squealed when they learned that their self-insert Shepard could screw him in the next game.
- Keith Motherfucking David.
- Admiral Hackett: A voice that has phone sex with Shepard everytime a new system is explored. If you like rolling down mountains in an oversized Tyco RC car, listen to Hackett. He has a HUGE fetish for the motherfucking Mako, and gives you like 400 identical side missions.
- Joker: Some cripple pilot.
- Dr. What's her name Some doctor on your ship. She has no purpose whatsoever other than to waste your valuable time with pointless dialogue. Other than that the only other purpose she adds is to add a bit of irony to the sex scenes. You can fuck aliens and a crazy bald psychotic bitch, but you can't fuck an older woman. Nobody knows her name and nobody wants to find out because she's a boring and stupid character.
Mass Effect 2
- Darth Revan/Shepard: S/he dies at the beginning of the game, oh no! Except Cerberus fixes that. Now Shepard has scars. The more of an asshole s/he is, the worse the scars get. This kind of made sense in KOTOR because the dark side does shit like that. But really? BioWare might as well be screaming "HEY, REMEMBER KOTOR!? REMEMBER THE DARK SIDE?! LOL!!!" Being Renegade is more fun anyways because you can punch news reporters, kick guys from windows, and tell people to kill themselves.
- Mordin: Alien doctor on crack. Just before it's time to get your dick sucked, he gives you some advice on how to fuck your hoe in the safest way possible. His advice for Jack is extremely lulzy. To earn his loyalty you have to help him find some faggot who pounded his ass at least 100 years ago.
- Miranda: Fucking bitch. Chances are you will probably never fuck her. If you're a paragon you have slightly higher chances, although you need a full paragon bar to tell her to stop being a such a cunt and go make you a sandwich during the conflict between her and Jack. She got dat fine ass and some big ass titties though. Her loyalty quest consists of helping her save her sister from Rupert Murdoch, her pedo dad. Fucking hates Jack. Is probably Bastila Shan in disguise.
- Jack: Bald psycho bitch who loves showing tits. Likes to act tough but underneath it all there's a sweet little girl just begging for some nice guy to shove his cock up her tight pussy. For her loyalty quest you gotta blow up some research station she was raised in. Fucking hates Miranda and everyone else in the universe.
- Samara: An asari white knight who replaces Liara as a biotic specialist. She's a boring character that nobody cares about so she constantly shows cleavage to try to get attention. For her loyalty quest you have to help her kill her daughter, Morinth, or have sex with her. Fucking hates her daughter.
- Morinth: If you waste Samara's sorry ass during her loyalty quest she is replaced by Morinth. She has some sort of AIDS strain that is enhanced by her Asari geneticoligcal biodicks shit so instead of killing her it just kills whoever she fucks instead. She has been fucking people to death for 400 years just for shits and giggles which would make her fucking awesome if she wasn't a god damn goth bitch who's always talking about her dark soul and shit nobody cares about. She really likes the artsy, shy types. After the final mission you can choose to have sex with her but it kills Shepard. She wears her troll face while Shepard is dying. Fucking hates her mom.
- Tali: Since everyone on the internets wanted some sweet sweet quarian ass, Bioware made it so you can fuck her in Mass Effect 2. You still don't get to see ass though. The whole fucking sex scene is a one minute cock tease. For her loyalty quest you need to figure out why she's been Tali-B& from her home, piss on her dad's corpse,then get her pardoned/PermaB& from her flotilla. Fucking hates Legion. Is a virgin.
- Legion: (HOLY SHIT YOU GET A GETH TEAMMATE T01HSE9MWUZVQ0tJTkdTSElUV1RGWU9VQ1JBQ0tFRFRIRUNPREU=) Legion is a geth robot/anonymous oldfag who has a total hard on for Shepard. He welded Shepard's old armor onto his body and loves to smear his robo jizz all over the N7 insignia. Despite being a creepy faggot, he's probably one the most badass characters when it comes to combat and you can even give him a special sniper rifle that can take down a gunship in like 4 hits. During Samara's recruitment mission he makes a statement about how drugs are bad. For his loyalty quest you have to help him convince all the geth who worship Jesus that he is not real. Doesn't hate Tali. In fact, he likes everyone.
- Jacob: Some nigger who was an alliance soldier just like you. He's a pretty boring character who was thrown in to meet the nigger quota. The only cool thing about him is his loyalty quest where you discover that his dad was a sick fuck who was feeding his crew food that destroyed their brain and minds, so he could fuck all the women in the crew without them saying no. Fucking loves fried chicken. If Shepard pursues a relationship with him, he comes to her cabin and says it was risky, but the PRIIIIIZE.
- Garrus: Your nigga bro from the first game. He's weirder looking now because he got cock slapped by a rocket from a gunship during his recruitment mission so now he's got a metal plate on the side of his head. For his loyalty quest you've gotta help him kick some faggot in the balls and help him assassinate a guy. Or you can be a pussy and tell him that killing is bad and it's much better if we all just get along and he'd only be hurting himself and HGLUALGHLAUGLHAUGLAHGFLAUGAHGlUGLAHGL. You can actually talk to him after that, where he'll go into detail about a girl he had sex with, him having "reach" and her having "flexibility". Gets really awkward around female Shepard if she likes him.
- Thane: Schizophrenic lizardman with cancer, from a race of nostalgia fags. He has one year left to live. He's a biotic assassin who has weird ass flashbacks. He used to be married but some internet tough guys he insulted over the internet fucking killed his wife. He ran away, caused his son to become an assassin also, and got his revenge, so he is pretty much over her death now. Oh ya, you can also get high from sucking his dick . For his side quest you have to stop his son from being a complete faggot.
- Grunt: Since everyone thought Wrex was so fucking awesome, Bioware decided he was too good for Mass Effect 2 and decided to make him a minor character instead of making him a member of your squad again. Grunt is like Wrex, only gayer. He's a complete faggot compared to Wrex so he tries his best to be a total bad ass but ends up looking like an internet tough guy. For his loyalty quest you must help him find out why he is angry all the time. Turns out he's just going through puberty. Worse is that his "special ability" is screaming "I AM KROOOOGAAAAAN!!!1111!!!1!!!", not only blowing your cover, but also charging into the worst place to be in battle, right in the middle of all the enemies and it doesn't work on the Xbox!!!!!1one1!!!!
- Zaeed: Old British guy who they put as a DLC character, cause Bioware is too lazy to put him in the main game. Oh yeah, you can kill him cause he smells funny. By the way he's really just Canderous Ordo. FOR MANDALORE!
- Kasumi: Japanese thief bitch from an old manga. She costs about $5 but you can't fuck her. No hookers in Mass Effect 2!
- Joker: He can kind of walk now, still a cripple though. You can play him for like five minutes when the collectors steal your ship crew people. Has a hard-on for the ship's AI, but doesn't have the balls to admit it.
- Illusive Man: Left Earth when he realised his son had Tiger Blood. Still looking for a cure.
- Kelly: Onboard secretary, au-pair, blow-job-giver and super freak
Sexbox Scandal 2008As usual, the gallant Fox News channel does its hours of research and finds that Mass Effect is essentially hardcore pornography. Not to stand idly by as this mature content is delivered directly in to the hands of 4 year olds, they decide to do a story on it, including their own completely rational and not a crazy cunt, "Psychologist", Cooper Lawrence. The following video is of the entire segment that Fox ran. Take note of the pretentious laugh along with a "no" when asked if she had actually played the game in which she was criticizing.
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