Kyle Rittenhouse

BREAKING NEWS!!
KYLE RITTENHOUSE ACQUITTED ON ALL CHARGES!

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Kyle Rittenhouse, a.k.a. The Kenosha Kid is an awesomesauce humanitarian, Boy Scout, street medic, former junior police cadet, expert marksman, Grand Master-level shitlord, rosy-cheeked young man, all around good guy, Second Amendment fanboy, acquitted murder defendant, and epic slayer of Antifa-affiliated shithead felons and sex offenders in Kenosha, Wisconsin.

Like many a strapping, idealistic young American male, Kyle Rittenhouse was raised to be a helper. Unlike you, he actually got off his ass and did something about the destruction of his country by leftist faggots and welfare recipients.

On August 25, 2020, when Rittenhouse heard that a rampaging mob of niggers and Antifa deviants were on their way to downtown Kenosha, Wisconsin planning to loot and burn the property of hard-working business owners to avenge the entirely justified shooting of nigger criminal Jacob Blake, Kyle Rittenhouse grabbed his indispensable tool of red-blooded American manhood—his AR-15—and headed to Kenosha to protect the property of innocent people who didn’t deserve lose it all to a bunch of coddled niggers and faggots.

After being attacked, chased, and threatened, Rittenhouse killed two Antifa faggots and blew the bicep off a third while doing an awesome ninja barrel roll and maintaining full control of his AR-15 throughout the maneuver—yes, firing off three shots each of which hit their targets while he was rolling.

Rittenhouse’s perfectly executed, reality-bending, Matrix-style killshots would be doubted by everyone except they were caught on video. Such a deft maneuver has never been equaled by anyone—fearsome warriors such as the Navy Seals, the Green Berets, and the U.S. Army’s Delta Force are absolute pikers compared to 17-year old Rittenhouse’s combat readiness and agility and operational ferocity in Kenosha.

Rittenhouse’s epic deeds elevated him instantly to the level of God Among Men, an Epic Hero equal to Achilles and Odysseus, a folk hero on the level of Paul Bunyan, a bringer of good news on the level of Jesus Christ, and a master of self rivaling the Buddha.

Unfortunately, America has been all but overtaken by cultural marxist faggotry. As such, prosecutors in Kenosha attempted to send Saint Kyle down the river for defending America from rampaging criminals, niggers, kikes and race-traitors. The odds were daunting. Indeed, Kyle faced off against half an entire country overtaken by cultural marxist brainwashing; this included their propaganda outlets, a demonstrably corrupted FBI, and the Biden regime itself. And yet, Kyle WON! Biden’s attempts to sniff yet another minor were thwarted by the power of truth and (ironically) the prosecution’s incompetence. Such was the prosecution’s blundering that some suggested Saint Kyle expertly planted a mole in the demonic legions to ensure their defeat in court. Regardless, this American hero has been acquitted and freed to do what he does best: killing commies. Should we all be brave enough to follow his example.