BioShock Infinite

Bioshock Infinite is the third, as well as the most overrated, installment of the BioShock series. As its predecessors its a first person shooter that tries to be System Shock 2 as it incorporates cities located in inconvenient locations (i.e. space, underwater, and the sky), everyone in said city trying to kill you over some rebellion, and superpowers. But where the first two Bioshock games only featured little-to-no escort and a quick plot twist, BioShock Infinite is needlessly just one big escort mission and contains the most pretentious plot in any video game ever.

Plot

Clear and concise

<video type="youtube" id="bJl8K2qpapM" width="200" height="180" position="right" desc="Nothing makes an ending more exciting than walking for half an hour."/> The game takes place in 1912 as you play as a broke alcoholic named Booker hired to get a girl (Elizabeth) from a flying city. Booker soon finds Elizabeth only to realize that she has time-control powers that both sides of Columbia's civil war want. A ten-hour long escort mission later, Booker kills Comstock and some other shit happens but it is all literally pointless because the game does a complete recon killing you before the game starts. Confused? you have no fucking idea.

It turns out Comstock is just Booker from another timeline, and even though Booker killed him, there's a million other Comstocks in other universes. And even though Elizabeth just said that killing one person doesn't change anything, she kills Booker. Many gamers have tried to make sense the game's ending. While most people see the game for what it is (being riddled with plot holes) it has not stopped some people from wasting there time by releasing videos, articles and even diagrams trying to explain this mess.

Characters

• Booker DeWitt: The protagonist. Arguably the angstyest little bitch in video game history as he can't go one hour without having a flashback. These flashbacks mostly caused by his enormous drinking, gambling, and anal sex addictions that got his ass in debt the first place. Mostly the anal sex though because that stuff is not cheap.

• Elizabeth: The girl Booker's hired to get. The developers try way too hard to make the player care about her as they make her a time lord, Booker's daughter, and Columbia's heir; but in the end, she's just walking cleavage designed to get virgin gamers to buy the game. This was a huge success despite her actually looking like a bridge dwelling troll from folk novels, but no one looks at her face.

• Zachary Hale Comstock: An old guy that builds Columbia and leads a group of racist rich white guys. Being a supremacist, he wanted the city's heir to be his offspring. But since time-travel gave him erectile dysfunction, he decided to kill his wife and buy Elizabeth from Booker.

• Robert and Rosalind Lutece: Alternate timeline versions of each other. Two boring nerds that you will not remember five minutes after just talking to them. They took masturbation one step further and found out what it would be like to plow yourself. Contributing not only to alternate reality science, but to the science of guzzling your own alternative version's cum.

• Songbird: Elizabeth's guardian. A robot pigeon with a creepy pseudo-romance with Elizabeth.

Gameplay

Nothing like a good old sip of piss mixed with vodka to give you special powers to summon some whore ghost to cause people to shoot themselves, or to have the ability to burn the flesh right off your masturbation hand. BioShock Infinite has re-defined the meta in gameplay with these game-breaking new abilities that look exactly like that of any other shit game that came out a few years before. More about the gameplay includes shooting the founding fathers right in the face, and an awful half-assed plotline that makes references to Christianity and patriotism. They tried pulling a Sonic 06, which was arguably one of the worst video games of all time, but failed even against that dingle berry of a game. If you want textures that look like its a photo of the inside of a public toilet, and the subtlety of leading some bitch hoe around for the entire game, then this kind of gameplay is straight up your alley. It should also be noted that the cunt is unkillable, and therefore serves as nothing more than an immortal dispenser with a vagina.

Setting

The only noteworthy thing that separates BioShock Infinite from its much darker and less pretentious predecessors is its setting. HOLY SHIT YOU'RE IN A CITY IN THE FUCKING SKY. Sure it's like the millionth game with a city in the sky, but for the first time in a BioShock game can you take a number 2 off the side of the floating city of Columbia and hope it hits some starving African right in the fucking face. Make sure you don't chew your corn though, because then you'll be doing them a favor by providing them with the best meal they've ever had in their entire AIDS filled life, preventing starvation one at a time you god damn saint.

Graphics

The game uses cartoony graphics, and shitloads of bloom and HDR, to mask that it actually looks like shit. With those shitty graphics it actually looks like Tales of Monkey Island. Elizabeth also has a head the size of her upper body, while looking like an 8 year old girl. She is supposed to look 17.

Gallery

About missing Pics

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  This one is especially hot if your fetish happens to be incredibly weird dialogue that no real human being would ever say.
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  Autism ahoy!
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  "You're welcome Daddy!"
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  Infinite's story is very original and deep.
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  10/10

See Also

• Bioshock
• Chrono Trigger
• Inception

BioShock Infinite is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.