Left 4 Dead

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT DEAD ISLAND IS BETTER!!!!!!1

Left 4 Dead and Left 4 Dead 2 are Half-Life 2 mods designed by Marc Griffin that pit four U.S. border guards against a horde of Mexican zombies that Zerg rush them continuously, trying to enter the United States illegally. The games are notable for their high replayability and dynamically generated content, ensuring that no two playthroughs are ever the same. They also are ideal FPS games for those chickenshits and 13 year old boys who cannot play against real live armed players for shit in Call of Duty 4 because they prefer easy and unarmed zombies instead of other people. The story behind it is some bitch bit a guy and it spread like rabies, just like every other zombie apocalypse. It also has a funny flashlight that for some strange reason never runs out of power.

Approximately 90% of the game will be spent tending to women and their petty fucking needs.

Characters

At the heart of Left 4 Dead's deep and well-written storyline are eight main characters who the average player will find difficult not to relate to, and find it hard to consider somewhat interesting.

Louis's voice actor and his reaction to Zoey while playtesting.

Protagonists

L4D

Bill: A 98 year old acid addict and former FOX member who believes he is a war veteran because he wore a uniform to his daughter's thirteenth birthday for a stripper act and forgot to take it off before he passed out from his latest ecstasy rave. He was based on Josef Fritzl and started the zombie apocalypse by multiplying with his children. DIES IN THE SEQUEL! BOO-HOO!

Francis: Hardcore biker and Internet tough guy. Has an obvious thing for Bill, and openly longs to see him smear boomer vomit all over his body as evidenced by the opening movie. Hates FUCKING EVERYTHING except vests and apparently niggers, as he develops jungle fever for Rochelle in the sequel.

Louis: Touted by the developers as a representation of the every-day man trying to survive in a chaotic situation, but obviously thrown in at the last moment to fill their nigger quota. Be sure to shout "PEEELZ HERE!" when you see Louis because that stupid meme hasn't played itself out yet. In the sequel he injures his leg and can't walk, meaning he is just another black guy trying to get out of doing work. He also constantly gets in your way when you're trying to shoot zombies, probably because he's a masochist.

Zoey: Added to include at least one pair of boobs that hasn't half-way decomposed. Adds an element of fantasy to the game, as she is able to take more than one hit before collapsing into tears, and avoids rape while alone with three men who will undoubtedly never see pussy again. In the sequel she seems to have a crush on Ellis, which makes her a stand-in for all the 13 year old girls who want him to fuck them.

Chicago Ted: Old meme commonly used on the Left 4 Dead 1 Steam Forums. Originated from Seanbaby's Ultimate Article. In the article, Seanbaby wrote that he and Erik saw "No bitch is safe from Chicago Ted!" written in a bathroom stall. This was referenced to by Valve via a small inscription on a saferoom wall that reads "No zombie is safe from Chicago Ted." Moar info on Chicago Ted can be accessed on the Chicago Ted thread (probably dead at the moment) which is now at least 100 pages long. Not even Chair zombie can kill this hero.

Left 4 Dead 2 is basically Brokeback Mountain with zombies.

Left 4 Dead 2. Now with 25% more nigger.

L4D2

Ellis: A 23 year old mechanic with ADD who rambles on about his pal Keith and never shuts the fuck up. He likes everything, including horses and Nick's cock up his ass. Being a pretty boy and stupid has made him a fangirl magnet. Single-handedly responsible for making 16 year old girls play the game, angering all male nerds since L4D is SRS BUSINESS and vagina ruins everything! He wants to marry and impregnate Zoey, which makes his boyfriend Nick jealous. He also says he plays bass guitar in a band.
Coach: A large black ex-football player who has obviously caught the dangerous boomer disease and is slowly turning into the first nigger boomer. His first name is Uncle and his last name is Phil. He is obsessed with chocolate and cheeseburgers like all fat people, and has an ass-healing fetish.

Rochelle: A black chick who was once a news reporter and Twitter user. She is a fan of Depeche Mode and was created so there can be lesbian 34s that do not require the Witch. When you misfire and hit her, she bobs her head and goes "OH NO YOU DID-N'T!". She is also the most hated character in the game, mainly because she has the personality of the average ironing board. Actually, she is so uninteresting that her major personality trait is the fact that she has a pussy.

Nick: A conman with a really expensive white suit he stole from a Mexican drug dealer after killing him. He went to Georgia to scam the inbred hillbillies, but instead found the state full of zombies and niggers. He spends most of the game acting like a drama queen and sexually harassing his young twink Ellis. Even though he will sometimes yell out "TITS!" like a retard, he doesn't mean it. He just wants cock.

Virgil: A magical boat with a Cajun accent.

The Midnight Riders: Non-playable southern rock band that Ellis and Coach jerk off to. Their songs are about beating shit up, driving motorcycles, kicking ass, and fucking women. Rochelle, being a cunt, points out that they lip-sync.

Keith: Ellis's old boyfriend who has now replaced Chicago Ted on the Left 4 Dead 2 Steam Forums as the most powerful entity in the universe.

Game-Modes

Left 4 Dead 2 features a number of unoriginal, overused, and/or (mostly and) shitty game modes.

Single Player

People play this if they have no skill and want to hide the fact that they suck and only play easy. Also used by fags who have no friends at all, even on the internet. Comes with three useless bots that heal you when you have full health and constantly shoot car alarms and witches.

Campaign

Most popular mode. People play this with random 9000 year old pedophiles and five year old babies or with people they met on 4chan whom they call "friends". Has useless bots for non-players. You will usually find people exploiting and taking everything they see and often shitty mods.

Versus

Play against other five year old babies as the zombies or survivors and see if you can make it at least two inches closer to the saferoom than your spawn, which you won't. VERSUS MODE IS SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS ON SPUF.

Realism

Game mode which is exactly the same as campaign mode, but with moar "Realism" and still useless bots. Bitch with claws instakills and you take more damage, and you can't see the annoying, bright blue outlines on the other useless bots.

Scavenge

Game mode that no one plays. All infected are players like in Versus. In this you fill a randomly placed generator with painted gas cans for absolutely no reason.

Survival

Game mode that almost no one plays. Sit in one corner and die in the first 45 seconds. Use "strategies" and pick almost everything in the game to your use. Make sure to troll with gas cans and propane tanks. Use exploits to be owned by green acid meth.

Mutations

Bad changes to default game modes. Includes things like being able to only kill zombies by headshots, or having all zombies be Tanks, or having Versus on Survival. Valve only made a few and then decided to add a community one and now just cycles through them every two weeks.

Commentary

Listen to the developers go on and on and on and on( x100) about the same things and ideas that never were implemented to make you jealous and why Gabe didn't eat his sammich. Zombies can't see you UNTIL you get to the finale and then they can.

Zombies

L4D1 Bosses

Brilliant writing and character development give way to thoroughly engrossing protagonists.

Boomer\Gabe: Not actually one of the infected, but an average, treacherous fat person like the CEO of VALVe who made this game. Vomits on players to arouse spectating zombies so much that they can't help but get in on the action. Explodes in a mess of vomit and cheeseburgers, as all fat people do. Also proof that Left 4 Dead isn't set in America, or about 70% of the infected would be boomers.

Hunter: Infected who were once abused. Throughout the entire game will run around being sneaky and hiding in the dark. As with all emos, they are unable to contain themselves at the thought of Bill's ass, and are often heard making loud, growly snarling sounds like the controllers in Half-Life, giving away their locations. Since they are the "least ugly" out of all the special infected, hordes of fangirls dream of fucking them...because getting turned on by a rotting zombie is awwwwright.

Smoker: An altered version of a design previously proposed by a Japaneesu man, the smoker attacks by flinging its long phallus of a tongue up to about thirty meters and using it to squeeze the life out of its victim.

Tank: Entity thrown in by the game engine to ruin fucking everything if the players are determined to be performing too well. Throws shit and takes a million hits to kill. Is able to magically turn cars, baggage carts, and any other large objects into balls of paper that can travel limitless distances with the swing of a fist. Laughs are generated if a fully-healed player is knocked off a roof in one hit.

Witch: Sits in the middle of your path crying for no reason. When called out for being an obvious attention whore, goes BATSHIT INSANE and runs all over the place screaming and clawing at its victim while pushing everyone else out of the way like a bitch; typical LiveJournal user.

Screamer: A special infected that only a select few individuals have encountered and is playable by using VALVe's secret code: pressing Alt and F4 simultaneously, accepting confirmation, etc. Was an emo and always will be an emo; too pussy to attack even in its afterlife and resorts to screaming at the top of its lungs to alert over 9000 zombies to you, which makes the game crash......RAGEQUIT.

L4D2 Bosses

Charger: Re-uses remixed zombie sounds from Half-Life 2 because VALVe can't be fucked. It charges the fuck at you and blows you out of the way, then continues to ass rape you by pinning you with his fappin' arm. This Infected was not actually thought up by VALVe but an uncredited steam forum user called ms255. VALVe emailed him saying that the infected was based on different whiteboard ideas; ms255's response was "Tits or GTFO".

Spitter: A special infected meant to split your trolling team up. She spits what used to be sperm, but a chemical reaction turned it all into a dangerous mass of acid. Has as much jaw as fanboys have brains and just "spits" the fuck out of you in lame attempts to separate the group so she can rape the males. VALVe reportedly paid noted beauty Sarah Jessica Parker $8,000,000 to model for the Spitter.

Mudmen: As VALVe calls it, an "uncommon common infected". Genius. Runs on all fours and uses a cheap GUI effect to smear "mud" on your screen. VALVe classes this as being sophisticated enough for a game. Mudmen are the closest things to a real nigger in the game, so prioritize them above other infected.

Fallen Survivor: A survivor who got raped by zombies and is now infected. Runs like hell if spotted. If killed will drop some items to pick up, like health kits and molotovs. Grab them for yourself and refuse to use them for teh lulz.

Wandering Witch: VALVe ran out of ideas and decided to make the Witch able to walk in daytime mindlessly. Remember: you win 1000 points if you shoot the witch in a non-lethal spot while all survivors are around her! Also, walking up to her and flashing your light in her face will achieve the same effect.
- Bride Witch: Appears only in The Passing. Cries while "Here comes the bride" plays in the background, and gets PO'd when hillbilly rock plays.

Jockey: To appease the number of sick fucks out there, VALVe decided to include a zombie that not only looks like Josef Fritzl, but also will fucking rape your head like it's going out of style. Srsly. But of course, a real rape scene in a video game would make every game rating official across the world have a fucking orgy of B&, so VALVe made it unrealistic by giving you a little bit of choice in the direction it goes. Also has some disease that makes him a midget.

Female Boomer: Just imagine a more attractive version of Rosie O'Donnell. The female Boomer is exactly like the male Boomer, except she's oppressed by the other special infected and is treated like their little zombie Bitch. Her actual name is Lynn. If you see her there is a rule: you need to yell INSTANT FAP! as loud as you can while pressing "C".

Realism Mode

L4D2 introduces the much vaunted realism mode, which boasts the following realistic features:

Eight adults, none of whom know how to swim.
An emaciated girl with sharp fingernails who can outright kill someone with one claw swipe.
Giant overgrown zombie that somehow still takes hundreds of bullets before it finally dies. (Real bullets traveling through a big target made of mostly muscle mass would tear it to shreds. See ballistic gel tests.)
Infected that somehow survive for weeks without food, water, or sleep. By the time L4D2 happens, the zombies would either have starved to death or barely been able to move, let alone run at top speed and attack like maniacs, making you slow to a crawl with a single hit.
Ankle deep water that makes you move like a crippled toddler.
An entire country full of guns, ammo piles, health kits, pain pills, etc. ~~but not a single knife that could be useful for cutting a fucking smoker's tongue while it's strangling your ass.~~ What do you think a machete is?
Survivors that can jury rig a pipe bomb with a ticking alarm to explode, but can't figure that just throwing the damn alarms would keep the zombies occupied as well.
Military that's too stupid to drop chemical weapons on the zombies, opting to use expensive, infastructure damaging bombs instead.

AI Director

The AI Director is the in-game version of God Almighty. The AI Director can make your zombie killing experience a breeze, or a trip through hell. It basically works like this; If you do poorly, the AI Director will have mercy on you and give you extra medkits and pills. If you do well, the AI Director will go completely batshit crazy and dump an impossible to survive zombie rapefest on you until you and your entire team is dead. This is especially prevalent on Advanced and Expert, where the AI Director will randomly decide that you need to die, right fucking now, and there's nothing you can do about it. Enjoy coming out of the rescue closet, fag.

Shit Stream

Just look at it. What a pile of SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

That's top quality Valve DLC right there.

Fanbase

The L4D fanbase is broken up into two groups. First is the all male group made up of lonely basement dwellers and 13 year old boys who suck at Halo. They mostly congregate on the Left 4 Dead 2 Steam Forums and bitch and whine about every little thing imaginable in the games: How the special infected suck in Versus, when in actuality they just suck playing them. How the crappy first game, which is the same stupid game as the sequel except even more buggy, worse characters, and with less crap, was better. How they are VALVe's bitch compared to Team Fortress 2. They don't get no silly hats. Or making 8,000,000 demands that VALVe has to fulfill or they will scream and cry like the little 5 year old girls they are.

It's no wonder VALVe hates their guts and avoids interacting with them. It is said that VALVe chieftain Gabe Newell only visits this asshole of the internet to lick the salty tears as they drip down the forum's face. Then he eats another sandwich.

The other group is made up of 16 year old girls who draw and write about Ellis screwing Nick or Zoey. They came for the Nick/Ellis and Ellis/Zoey and don't give a shit about anything else.

These two groups never mix, so for maximum lulz be sure to troll the Left 4 Dead 2 Steam Forums with topics like "Should Ellis and Zoey get married?" or go for the jugular with "Does Ellis spit or swallow Nick's cum after blowing him?"

There is also a small subgroup of female fans who make the ugly and hideous zombies, like the Hunter and Smoker, all sexy for whatever stupid fucking reason. Apparently having rotting eyes or cancerous tumors is a turn on to some. These girls have IQs below 75 and should be mocked and kept from breeding. They are also often furries(see below), which explains a lot.

L4D has also managed to attract a number of furries and weeaboos. Furries taint everything so their presence can be explained. Weeaboos likely because the game inexplicably became very popular in Japan. Even Hideo Kojima is said to be a huge fan of the games which might explain why his own games started to suck.

Everyone else moved along to Killing Floor.

In game Teammates.

Your Team

You
AFK
13 year old boy who is attempting to votekick you
Bot

Other Team:

Epic Comp player who has been playing the game 24/7 since release
Epic Comp player who has been playing the game 24/7 since release
Epic Comp player who has been playing the game 24/7 since release
Epic Comp player who has been playing the game 24/7 since release, and is apparently a furry

                      A Friendly Conversation With a Noob

* CAPTAIN M0THERFUCKING PLANET changed name to   (to do this glitch simply write "setinfo name " " " in the console
GReddy :  where propane go we need that
(Survivor) snowman3248 :  up top
GReddy :  where is the rest
snowman3248 :  dont know
GReddy :  where did he take it
snowman3248 :  he threw it off
GReddy :  we need that
GReddy :  come get it in here
GReddy :  hes bein a dusche
GReddy :  dont touch our shit and change ur name to blank cuz u kno ur lookin for trouble
  :  umad?
GReddy :  this guys a faggot i played wit him before
  :  for only 10 seconds
GReddy :  nah i played wit u before today
GReddy :  and u did the same shit
GReddy :  acted like a douche
  :  o yeah
  :  stuff like this
GReddy :  can u b cool for one time
*   changed name to GReddy 
GReddy :  yah same gay shit
GReddy :  u always do
GReddy :  change ur name to mine
GReddy :  then ask to kick me and i get kicked haha
snowman3248 :  vote
GReddy  :  your just mad
GReddy :  here we go again
GReddy :  its not me ur tryin to kick
GReddy :  it will kick me
GReddy  is now idle.
GReddy :  the douche always does this
GReddy :  hes coachj
GReddy :  hes coach*
*SPEC* GReddy  :  IF your so mad then record it and send it to valve
GReddy :  im not that mad
*SPEC* GReddy  :  you sound like it
GReddy :  sto bein an asshole
GReddy  :  NO U
GReddy :  what i ever do to u
GReddy :  u think its hilarious
GReddy  :  GORONCITY.NET
GReddy :  but its retarded
GReddy :  im good wit ur viruses
GReddy :  im not as stupid as u
GReddy :  just dont kick GReddy cuz it will kick me the real one
GReddy :  just kill his gay ass
GReddy :  he loves to control shit
GReddy :  kill him
GReddy  :  and learn to spell atleast
GReddy :  how does it feel to be controlled
GReddy  :  Feels good
GReddy  :  It proves its working
GReddy  :  Because you try to counter me
GReddy :  rofl it feels great
GReddy :  there is no counter
GReddy :  u usually win cuz u change to my name and ask to kick my name and it kicks me and not u
GReddy :  some kind of cheat u got
GReddy  :  If you don't like it then leave
GReddy :  if u dont like it watch me play
GReddy :  nah
GReddy :  it will kick me
GReddy  :  nah
GReddy :  i alraedy told them
GReddy :  screw ur gay hackin ass
GReddy :  lets just wait
GReddy :  make the hacker mad
GReddy  :  You really are mad
GReddy :  im happy right now
Player The ₲reen Hornet left the game
GReddy  :  setinfo name "GReaddy "
GReddy  :  There you go
GReddy :  setinfo where
GReddy :  lmfao
GReddy :  why u still askin to kick me
GReddy  :  If your so curious try it
GReddy :  there is no console here
GReddy :  this idiot
     *GReddy kicked*
Chuck! is now idle.
GReddy :  im going to warn u
GReddy :  captain planet
GReddy :  kick
GReddy :  hes going to change to my name and kick me
*SPEC* CAPTAIN M0THERFUCKING PLANET :  He's just mad about an accident guys
GReddy :  and ur going to kno its me
CAPTAIN M0THERFUCKING PLANET :  Don't worry
GReddy :  hes going to change to my name and kick me
GReddy :  kick him before u dont kno its me
Chuck! :  y?
GReddy :  not chuck
GReddy :  captain
CAPTAIN M0THERFUCKING PLANET :  Stop whining
CAPTAIN M0THERFUCKING PLANET :  not you boomer
Chuck! :  wtf happened!
GReddy :  w/e
GReddy :  im on the glitch
GReddy :  u kick this queer as homo who always gets me kicked by changing to my name
GReddy :  captain
CAPTAIN M0THERFUCKING PLANET :  He's just mad
GReddy :  w/e
GReddy :  same shit everyday
     *GReddy kicked again*
The link to the noobs profile: http://steamcommunity.com/id/juicedgt/

Online Drama

Much drama ensued when Left 4 Dead 2 was announced. The first dramatic turn of events was the ESRB telling Valve that the cover having three fingers missing from the hand was unacceptable. The hand was the same one as on the previous cover, except the index and middle finger were bitten off with the thumb. The ESRB said those two should be tucked behind the hand, still giving the impression that they were missing, and the thumb could stay. When asked why this was, the ESRB promptly responded with "Tits or GTFO".

Hands on the cover are serious business.

The second drama to happen was with the fans. Hours after seeing the announcement for the sequel, they all had a heart-attack and sprinted to their laptops to post a petition against the release (inspired by the many online petitions that have worked before). Why? Because they didn't want a new cast, new gameplay, new zombies, new anything. They'd wasted hundreds of hours playing the same shit, memorizing the layout, and finding all the glitches. They couldn't possibly show off their mad skillz if a new game came out. They bawwwed about the game until Valve finally told them to STFU, and that their boycott didn't do shit.

Valve then invited the two leaders of the boycott to take a trip to their HQ to play the game pre-release, at which point they were rightfully put in their place and realized that they were being retarded and would now almost definitely buy the game. As a result of this 'selling out', the rest of the butthurt boycotters proceeded to label the leaders as traitors or bribed by Valve, because that was much easier for them to accept that than their own faults. All of this amounted to a big nothing, as L4D2 sold like heroin in the suburbs and everyone ended up buying it.

~~Austrians~~ Australians also got into some drama. The Ausfaglian version of the ESRB royally banned Left 4 Dead 2 from being sold in Australia. This decision made many Ausfaglian gamers rage that they would not be able to kill three new types of zombies with a nigger and an axe. OFLC were bawwing about how the game was too violent for people under 15, even though most Ausfaglian gamers are 21-35. VALVe has since released a statement saying they were pretty "bummed" about the decision, and submitted an edited down version.

Crash Any Server Instantly

Open up your console (press tilde, fucktard) and type the following to instantly crash any server. Details of how or why it works are unknown, but people are fucking raging over this one. The command: sv_soundemitter_flush;sv_soundemitter_filecheck;sv_findsoundname;sv_soundscape_printdebuginfo