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Michael Ryan
| |
|---|---|
| Michael Robert Ryan | |
| Nationality: | Britfag 
|
| Highscore | Killed 16, injured 15 |
| Top 25? | 14th Place 1st: Sir Anders Behring Breivik 2nd: Woo Bum-kon 3rd: Martin Bryant 13th: Thomas Hamilton 15th: Robert Steinhauser |
| Style | Single player |
| An Hero? | Yes |
Michael Ryan was a beta male, NEET, and innawoods gun collector who sought out the High Score on August 19, 1987, when he killed 16 people and injured 15 others in an event known as the Hungerford massacre. His killings caused massive amounts of butthurt across the United Kingdom, and led to new laws prohibiting normal people from owning semi-automatic centre-fire rifles.
Background
Michael was a spoiled mummy's boy born near Hungerford on May 18, 1960. His father Albert was an IRL oldfag who did not visit often and died 2 years before the massacre. He had no siblings, and lived with his mother Dorothy who was a qt chef at the local primary school. Like Campo Elías Delgado after him, he barely had any friends and paved the way for the modern-day Beta Uprising and shooters like Chris Harper-Mercer and Adam Lanza. He was known as a loner that lived in a world of fantasy and never left home except to go to work, in which he was a part-time antiques dealer and laborer.
Claims were made after Michael's death that he had an obsession with firearms and was a survivalist that had a large amount of magazines about survival skills and guns. Other tabloids and press reports also said that he had a fascination with Rambo, and reported that the massacre had many parallels with the movie, but the retarded "journalists" didn't realize that Michael never even owned a video player and Rambo had nothing to do with the style he perpetrated the shootings. Later evaluations by psychiatrists determined that Michael may have been a psychotic schizo, but his true motives will most likely never be known because he killed the only person that could shed light on his personal life, his mother. Killing your mummy is apparently a common theme amongst high score seekers.
The killings
In the forest
It was right before tea time on a cold August morning when Michael decided he'd had enough and went to Savernake Forest outside town. There he discovered a single mother with two children that were planning to have a nice picnic. "Haha no," says Michael who raised his rifle and told the MILF to put her kids in their car then go out to the bushes. Once that was done, he fired an entire clip into her back and obtained a L-L-Ludicrous kill, impressive for the first blood. The cops were alerted after the two kids snuck out of the car and told a local hiker that,
Failure at the petrol station
Michael then drove his family car down the A4 and stopped to fill it with petrol at a station three miles from Hungerford. After finishing, he fired at the cashier named Kakaub Dean but missed. He then burst inside the store and tried to shoot her again, but the magazine had fallen out because he was an idiot and hit the release mechanism. Michael at least knew when to give up and fled, but not before a motorcyclist had called the police because he thought he saw a robbery.
The real shit goes down
Not 30 minutes after the forest killing, Michael went home to Hungerford and grabbed his other weapons and tried to drive away, but the piece of shit car wouldn't start. He got incredibly frustrated and shot four rounds into the right side of the car before going back inside and shooting his dog and setting the house on fire. He ran back outside, grabbed his weapons from the car, and shot at an old couple in the garden, getting a one-hit kill on the wife. Afterwards, Michael walked to the town common and critically injured two people (including a 14 year old girl) while smiling devilishly at them. He then encountered a family walking their dog; everyone ran away except for poor old man Kenneth, who raised his hands up and got shot in the chest, dying immediately while still holding the dog's leash.
Michael then went to another part of town where he saw a fatass police officer eating donuts in his squad car while trying to respond to calls of gunfire. Michael shot 23 rounds at him, causing the dumbass copper to veer his car, crash into a telephone pole, and die. Michael turned around opened fire on a white car with another MILF and teen daughter, but he managed to only injure them. He reloaded and shot at another car, killing the driver and injuring passenger Ivor Jackson; the car then rear ended into the now dead policeman's squad car. Michael then moved down the road and shot & killed a Mudslime mowing his lawn. By this point, Michael had spent enough time shooting at people for the paramedics to arrive, so he shot at the ambulance window, injuring the driver who instantly sped away. With no other obvious targets, he began to shoot at random pedestrians and houses' windows when his mummy appeared and tried to help the previously wounded Ivor. Michael heard her and aimed the rifle at her head. Dorothy tried to reason with her son, but this was in vain as Michael shot the only person who cared about him dead. Hearing the shots, a woman stepped out of her house and tried to yell at Michael for making too much noise but got shot instead.
Michael then ran to Hungerford Common being followed by a police helicopter that couldn't even see him because of the media blocking their line of sight. He shot another oldfag walking his dog and got a headshot on a nearby taxi driver. After almost raping a repairman, Michael went to the town center where police were trying to redirect people outside of town. Another old couple were trying to see their son, a Constable who had signed Michael's request to extend his firearm certificate, when they were shot at, killing the husband. Another car then ran into Michael's path, so he fired on the driver instantly killing him and causing the van to crash into a wall. Michael ran off and killed another driver before shooting his way into a house on Priory Road, where he killed even more old people but bonus points has to be given to him here because the wife was wheelchair bound. He then shot at the windows of the neighbors' home, injuring 2. Now nearing the end of his rampage, Michael killed a man driving home from a shopping spree with his family, causing them to crash into another parked car.
Michael becomes an hero
—Michael's last words | ||
Michael injured another goddamned old person taking care of his lawn before he broke into the then-empty John O'Gaunt Community Technology College, where he had previously attended. He barricaded himself inside a classroom as police surrounded the college, Michael then shot at some responding helicopters and waved an unpinned grenade at the piggies near a window. Eventually he gave in and began to negotiate with the police, who tried to coax him out of the classroom but failed. He refused to leave until he knew what happened to his mummy, whose death he called "a mistake." At 6:52 PM, Michael gave up and successfully became an hero by shooting himself in the head.
Legacy
Despite being only a mid-tier spree killing, Michael Ryan and his Hungerford massacre is one of the most notorious firearm incidents in Britfag history. Many parallels have been drawn between Michael and Derrick Bird, who killed 12 and injured 11 in 2010. As mentioned before, the spree caused many new gun control laws to be passed within the country, causing much debate over whether the whole charade was a false flag operation in order to get these laws passed. Hm... Also he inspired a Radiohead song or something, I don't fucking know.
Video
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High Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kill count: | 16/20 |
| Accuracy: | 13/20 16 kills, 15 injured |
| Style: | 17/20 Went full GTA decades before GTA |
| Butthurt: | 20/20 |
| Bonus: | 18/20 An hero bonus |
| Total score: 84/100 (B) | |
See full ranking