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Typewriter
A Typewriter is a large machine used by oldfags, your grandmother, people sending ransom notes, and hipsters to type shit. Most authors and writers have used typewriters at some point. Typewriters were replaced by computers for most purposes a long time ago.
Typewriters are loud as fuck and double as a heavy object to kill people with. Typewriters were invented by a hillbilly in Alabama with apparent autism, because the inventor designed it for making page numbers. Thankfully, someone told him to add characters and the typewriter was born.
Most typewriters can now be spotted in museums, old folks homes, or hipster apartments. Many end up in eBay auctions after being stolen from one of the other sources.
Early History
The first usable typewriter was a giant ball with keys sticking out of it invented by someone in Denmark. Known as the writing ball, it looks like the creation of someone really high on weed. It was virtually unusable.
The real first typewriter was "... something like a cross between a piano and a kitchen table.." and was disowned by its inventor. The patent for the machine was eventually sold to Remington. The first typewriter was made in 1871, had no qwerty keyboard, could not print lowercase letters, and the user was unable to see what they were writing.
Being a massive troll, Mark Twain promptly bought one. He used it to type AN ENTIRE BOOK IN ALLCAPS, called "Tom Sawyer". Twain later renounced and gave away the machine because it made him want to swear. It was later re-gifted to him twice.
Immediately after its creation it was hailed as "easy enough for a woman". Because of this, and the fact that it could be used in a kitchen, had flowers painted all over it, and was sold by the same company that made Remington sewing machines it became a hit with women. Even with l33t typing skills, employers only had to pay women half as much as men, which made women popular as secretaries.
Notable Users
Ayn Rand was so fond of Remington Rand Typewriters that she named herself after the company. This, ironically, is copyright infringement and possibly defamation because of her shitty books.
Hunter S. Thompson used a red IBM Selectric II. Capable of 900 words per minute speeds, it was fast enough to be used with cocaine and still be readable. The machine was enough of a 40 lb beast to survive his alcohol binges. Thompson formed a codependent relationship with his typewriter, which he used to write Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
Isaac Asimov was also fond of the Selectric, and used an IBM Selectric I because of its futuristic look and bizarre writing ball.
Ian Fleming had a gold plated Royal Portable.
Ho Chi Minh used a Hermes Baby Typewriter.
L. Ron Hubbard wrote Scientology with a Remington Electric, Underwood no. 3, Remington Noiseless no. 9, Royal KHM, IBM Electromatic, and a Remington Noiseless. Hubbard's Electromatic was a piece of shit that sounded like a cheap hooker's dying screams and caused radio interference, televisions problems, and difficulties with his brain.
Dianetics was written on a cheap Remington Noiseless that Scientologists still worship to this day.
The Unabomber (Powerword:Theodore Kaczynski) wrote his letters to the partyvan on a Montgomery Ward Signature portable.
H. P. Lovecraft created Cthulhu on a 1904 Remington Standard, similar to the one Mark Twain used, and the same model that Leo Tolstoy used.
Faggot Users
Given the ability to save, reprint, and email documents on computers typewriters have fallen out of favour with most writers. Because of this, a bunch of hipsters and 16 year old girls have recently taken to writing on typewriters. Because hipsters are all about style over substance, they compulsively use them in public for maximum effect
The inability to share their work from typewriters does not bother Hipsters since their work is utter shit and no one wants to read it anyways. Not having a spellcheck is a bonus for those who create tumblrisms and new genders.
Hipsters like to imagine that using a typewriter allows for "correspondence", "connections", "non-Efficiency", and "sustainability". This is despite the fact that Smith Corona's plant in Missouri is still an industrial waste shithole because of typewriter production, and the fact that IBM dumped millions of gallons of typewriter waste into the Hudson River.
Obnoxious girl uses vintage typewriter in Starbucks.
Most hipster typewriters fall into two categories: Pricey 1920s and 1930s typewriters, and shitty Thrift Store typewriters. The expensive trust fund typewriters are most often seen in Starbucks locations, coffee-shops, airports and libraries. These people tend to be college drop outs, "artists" living on somebody else's money, and philosophy majors with no future in life. They also tend to wear headphones while loudly typing next to someone else's ears.
The shitty thrift store typewriter category consists of hipsters with shitty typewriters on the street like homeless people trying to panhandle in exchange for useless pieces of "art".
It is best to encounter these people in person, rather than on their blogs. This is because they are already in an awkward situation, and people around you will remember the asshole who interrupted their coffee with a typewriter more than they will you. Make sure to film them. If they freak out while you film them, you have just hit comedy gold.
How to troll typewriter users
Typewriter users are best trolled IRL. It is hard chasing someone while caring a 10 pound piece of hipster gear. Besides, if they leave the machine behind it is vulnerable to theft.
Hipsters do not win Olympic medals and even a fedoralord could outrun someone carrying a 30 pound IBM Selectric. They will probably be seen as the bigger asshat by the cops. DO IT FAGGOT!
General
- Tell them that they made a typo, and proceed to argue with them. Since they do not have spellcheck, it is your opinion against theirs.
- Unplug their electrical cord, and plug in something else
- Tell them their writing sucks
- Sneeze all over their typewriter
- Jizz all over their typewriter. (At your own risk)
- Yell obscenities, especially racial slurs about black or Jewish people.
- Tell them you are an aspiring writer, and provide the Offended page link as your blog homepage.
- Record them, and put it on JewTube
- Take their paper
- Tell them that an IBM, Remingtion, Olverati, HP, Dell, or Acer typewriter is better than what they own.
- Insist that Acer, Dell, HP or 4chan make typewriters. Protip: They don't
- Tell them your cell phone is better than their typewriter in every way. Bonus points if your cell phone is a piece of shit.
- Tell them that manufacturing typewriters requires a copious amount of pollution in waterways, that using a typewriter wastes paper, and that the ribbons are less efficient than ink cartridges.
Panhandling Typists
Meme
Several shitlords have become memes because of their conspicuous typewriter douchebaggery. The most prominent is C. D. Hermelin, who was found in a New York Area park in hipster short-shorts selling postcard sized stories for $10 a pop.
C. D. Hermelin
Hermelin✡, best pronounced Hemorrhoid, claims in the Hipsterfag publication The Awl that he moved to New York with no income. He claims that he was unable to get a job, which is probably because of his douchey appearance. His solution? Wander around New York until finding a yard sale and buying a typewriter for $10, because wage jobs are only for normal people.
Problems with his story: He claims that he had no money, but was able to print a colour sign generated on a computer. His sign has a hashtag, meaning he has a phone or computer. This is also confirmed by the fact that he received "... flurry of emails, Facebook posts, text messages and missed calls." Despite having no income, he states that he had a residence
This confirms two facts: He has a large sum of money to move to New York, buy electronics, a cell subscription, and food; and that he is a shitty writer for his failed attempt to hide the first fact.
Freewrite
The freewrite offers the final solution to the ultimate first world problem: How to look gay as you drink coffee at Starbucks. Solution: Buy a $500 copy of those shitty word processing machines that existed in the mid to late '80s.
Ernest Hemingway's family apparently did not approve of the original name. It has been renamed to Freewrite.
The Radio Shack alternative is also less vulnerable to haxxors and being stolen by negros.
This is not an april fools joke. It is an actual product, marketed by actual hipsters. It claims to be the first smart typewriter(sic). It is a monstrosity right out of Jew York and birthed by kickstarter.
Typewriters at Starbucks
Douchebags and doughnuts.
This is the hooked nose kike making the loud clicking noises in the corner while people try to order coffee. He believes that the clicking noises provide aesthetics and ambiance, but you wouldn't understand.
See Also
- Hipsters
- Typewriter + TV ✡ = Legacy computer
External Links
- News Writers Talk about Panhandling and Hipster Writers.
Asshole in a starbucks.- 10 Hipster reasons to use a Typewriter.
- Britfags are tired of Hipster shit.
- Hermelin whining about the created about him and his shaved legs, arms and hipster t-shirt.
 Typewriter is part of a series on Web 1.0 |
[ANCIENT HISTORY] Old Memes •
Celebs, h4x0rz, and Phreaks •
Technologies •
Fun and Games •
Events •
Death of Web1.0
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