Tucker Max

His name is Tucker Max and he [l]i[ck]s an asshole.

The man on the left has an extremely punchable face.

Two of the biggest internet tough guys ever.

From left to right, Dumb Whore, Dumb Slut, Dumb Ho. Together, they are the Amazingly Dumb Trio, here to save the Bearthf

Tucker Max (Pronounced Failure) is a barely-functional alcoholic, a Maddox fanboy, and most importantly, a huge pedophile. He runs a site that looks like it has not had a face lift since 2001 on which he spins his wheels on subjects such as anal rape, "sushi pants", charity auctions and things that generally end poorly, thanks to his aspie-fueled antics. On the site, you can also browse through images of his desperate, anorexic, man-faced ex-girlfriends.

Accompanied by a notorious ass pirate, Steve Martin and Perez Hilton, Tucker Max auditioned for the Sirius radio extravaganza. The entry was tentatively called The Ass Pirate, The Notorious Nobody and The Whiny Bitch That Just Can't Shut Up. Shockingly enough, the pilot was not picked. This put Sirius radio in the untenable position of having one shitty freak act that they did not relay. This was disappointing as Tucker Max is known to have an exceptional radio voice, filling the gap somewhere between a banshee's wail and Avril Lavigne. He boasts that he maintains this rare quality by gargling a bucket of fresh horse sperm every morning.

Few people know that Tucker Max has in fact stolen 72.85% of his content (99.76% if you only count content that does not completely suck) from celebrated Internet celebrity Mack Tight, who is terminally retarded and lives in a can of worms that was accidentally opened during The Sinking of Something Awful and could never be closed again.

Tucker Max is constantly being sued by idiots. This happens because he never interacts with them, rendering them bored with sniffing house paint. To this day, neither of the 2 people that have attempted to sue him, have met him. This is because Tucker Max does not want to appear as though he associates with vapid skanks and slow eyed heir dimwits.

An accomplished author, Tucker Max has recently released a third book. Unlike the previous two, the most recent one does not suck, as proven by the fact that this one is not self published. It is published by Vanity Press. Therefore, it blows.

According to Tucker Max, he lives off selling ads, kissing old men and giving speeches, which makes him a politician. Being a politician, Tucker Max spends a lot of time polishing teh knob.

The Ever Expanding Empire.

In recent years, Tucker has moved on from fucking slimy sluts and shitting himself. In 2006, he returned home to live with his mother and open up his very own official company, Festering Ass, later changed to Rudius Media. This was an unusually smart move for someone who is actively drinking himself to death. After all, who wants to work and blog for a company called "Festering Ass," a name Tucker admits he made up in high school? He has big ideas, ones that will revolutionize the entertainment industry. He is going to change the world with blogs. Shitty, yet heavily censored, blogs at that. Current projects also include:

• TV show based on aforementioned third book (Canceled faster than a white trash family's credit cards)
  

• INDEPENDENTLY produced movie, based around the third book
  

• TV show based on one of his blogger-slave's sites. (Possibly The Jamie Kennedy Anal Sex Experiment?)
  

• Dingleberry on Kevin Costner's ass.

• Arranging annual truck-stop gang bangs for the moderators of his messageboard.

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (film)

Tucker's film, based on his book of the same name. Cost $7,000,000 US to make, and only returned $1,500,000. Its failure is single-handedly responsible for the collapse of Rudius Media. The darshbag himself had this to say on the matter:

“	We are going to wrap up our domestic theatrical run with about 1.5 million in gross receipts. No question, that is way way less than anything I was hoping or predicting that the movie would do. In fact, it’s less than 10% of my bottom-basement prediction for what the movie would do. So this of course raises the question: How the fuck was I so far off in my predictions? The movie has been out a month and we have all had a chance to soberly reflect on what happened and why I wasn’t just a little bit off, I was off by several orders of magnitude. To be that far off, there has to be some sort of major thing that went wrong, something so crucial that it’s nothing can make up for its absence. It’s actually pretty clear what happened, and I was sitting in a bar with some people cycling through all the things we did right and wrong about two weeks ago, when something happened that crystallized the problem perfectly. This girl recognized me in the bar and came running up: Girl: Oh my god you are Tucker Max! This is SO exciting! I am your biggest fan, your book is so awesome! Tucker: Thank you, glad you liked it. Girl: I mean, I have read it like 100 times and recommended it to all my friends, and now it’s like our bible! I can’t believe you are here! Can I get a picture? Tucker: [getting awkward] Of course. Friend: So, what’d you think about the movie? Girl: Movie? What movie? There’s a movie of the book? Tucker: Are you kidding? Girl: When is it coming out? I am SO excited for it! I bet it’ll be great! Who is playing you? My heart sank. I wanted to get pissed and snap at this girl, but she hadn’t done anything wrong. I mean, when someone who identifies themselves as a huge fan, who has read the book and passed it to their friends and self-identifies as this type of person, when the movie is IN THEATERS and they don’t even know there is a movie at all…that is a complete failure in the publicity and marketing of the movie. It’s not like that was the first indication of the massive breakdown in marketing and publicity for the movie. The evidence for this is everywhere. I mean shit, we only spent a few million dollars distributing the movie, were never in more than like 250 theaters, and never even cracked the 50% awareness barrier…AMONG MY OWN FANS! I don’t want to go through it, because it’ll just be depressing, but the failures in marketing were just…big. Unrecoverable. If I had been either experienced enough or honest enough to look at and understand the evidence in front of me, it was obvious from an early point that this was going to happen. I could go on and on about the issues we had, and and now in hindsight, so many of them are so transparently clear and obvious it is annoying that we didn’t see them at the time. Part of it was a lack of experience, part was naive optimism, and part was straight up malfeasance by certain parties involved with the movie. There will come a time when Nils and I will clearly outline and describe what happened and why, but honestly, I don’t feel like doing it now, both for personal and political reasons. The fact is, the movie did poorly at the box office because we as a group failed at one of the most, if not he most, important aspect of making a successful movie: Marketing that movie. That’s the bad news. The good news is that losing this battle does not mean the war is over or lost. Many many great movies that got no attention at the box office became classics by doing great on DVD, and there is no doubt in my mind that is what is going to happen with this movie. I’ve seen every reaction, read every email, seen every review, and talked to more people about this movie than anyone else. No one has been more on the ground and seen more actual audience reaction than me. I know what real people who have actually seen the movie think about it, and it’s going to do great, given enough time. The same thing happened with the book. I mean, my book only sold 70k copies it’s first year out, and those only to people who were already fans of the website. Three years and 1+ million copies sold later, I am now a huge literary star. Movie studios may be evil and stupid, but the motherfuckers can do something I can’t do yet: Promote and market the fuck out of a movie. But it’s OK. The fact still remains that we made a great movie, a movie that I am very proud of, and a movie that the vast majority of people who saw, loved. And I believe that it will stand the test of time and end up becoming a classic and sell for years, just like the book has. Doing poorly at the box office sucks right now, but in ten years when “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” is one of the best selling DVD’s of all time and spawned hugely successful sequels, etc, etc…well, I think everything will end up fine.	„
—Tucker MaxSome irrelevant closetcase

See Also

• Alpha Male
• Maddox
• MikeeUSA

External Links

• Person Tucker Max stole most of his content from
• TuckerMax.com
• Troll the Board
• The Quotable Tucker Max