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Martha Stewart
Martha Helen Kostyra Stewart is an infamous cheapskate known for insider trading, creative accounting and making bathrobes out of dryer lint. Starting in 2002 her EVIL plans for dominating the DIY book market were rocked by a scandal involving her cheating a bunch of dumbasses out of their money and turning the bills into a delightful set of coasters for the patio. First rose to fame by displaying her gaping vagina and turning it into an flattering umbrella stand, convincing mothers across America how fashionable it was. Stewart (and her vagina) is considered to be an American icon, just like every other fucker who convinces stupid, fat, lazy housewives that subscribing to a magazine, buying books regularily, and then purchasing all of the "household" materials required for the projects in the aforementioned literature is a very "thrifty", "money and time saving", and "creative" thing to do.
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Early Life
Stewart was adopted by Polish-American parents who mistook her for human when they found her by the curb one morning, polishing their garbage cans. After she trussed, roasted, and served forth their existing offspring (with a tasteful garlic marinade), she was raised as a beloved only child. A good student, she received a partial scholarship to Overlord Tech, where she majored in interior design and extortion. After graduating, she became a television model, starring in several TV commercials promoting tampons for extraterrestrial shrews. Upon finding a dope foolish enough to mate with her, she laid her first (and only) clutch of eggs. After doing this, she retired from modelling.
Rise To Fame
After her brood hatched and was old enough to take down prey on its own, Stewart began a career as a stockbroker where she honed her skill at parting fools from their money. When recession hit Wall Street in 1973, she fled for the affluent suburbs of Westport, Connecticut, forcing her husband to buy her an ancient farmhouse. After sinking every penny he had into its restoration, she started a catering business and began doing TV segments about spending hours of your day making a comferter out of used cotton balls and old sheets. Her husband, finally fed up with the faux-homemaking and constant dead rabbits dragged onto the porch, divorced her on the day her book on weddings was released, and moved into the barn with her personal assistant where they still spend every Saturday night snorting cocaine and fucking where Martha can hear their wild shrieks of orgasmic pleasure.
Her Show
Running in the middle of the day so that ONLY the mindless and spineless masses that are the housewives of America would be around to see her, Martha Stewart dedicated a half hour to getting fat, lonely women to buy assorted, useless household shit from her catalogue and showing how you can turn household items (probably ones you got from her catalogue) into somewhat useful things, such as stitching those "decorative" kitchen towels toghether to make a bathmat. And occasionally, she'd have a guest on, either a chick who is basically like her, but uglier and minus the financial sense, or if Martha was feeling somehow even MORE sadistic that day, a studpuppy chef/author for all the whales at home to gawk over.
Federal Indictments and Trial
In 2002, Martha was investigated for alleged baby eating and insider trading. Cannibalism charges were dismissed for lack of evidence, though witnesses claimed that was because Martha consumes children whole, including bones, meat, and skin. Those witnesses then promptly disappeared without a trace. The SEC successfully pressed their charges. The day after her indictment for the typical Wall Street shenanigans, Stewart took out a full-page advertisement in USA Today and launched a website with an open letter of defense "to my friends and loyal supporters" She said, "I want you to know that I am innocent — and that I will fight to clear my name... The government's attempt to criminalize these actions has marked them for destruction. I will gnaw on their children's skulls and shit in a pleasant floral pattern on their front lawns. All will bow before me or suffer my wrath." Stewart was convicted after every person who ever met her testified she is evil personified.
Jail
On September 29, the Federal Bureau of Prisons announced that Stewart would serve her sentence at the federal prison camp in Alderson, West Virginia, denying her request to serve her sentence in the penthouse suite of the New York Hilton. She reported to minimum-security Alderson Federal Prison Camp early in the morning on October 8,. Stewart reportedly got along quite well with her fellow inmates and kept herself busy making toilet cozies out of her cellmates skin and cobwebs. She was released on March 4, 2005, to be placed under house arrest. Evading her captors, she dissolved her ankle alarm with her corrosive saliva and is now loose among the public. She was last seen on her show, doing the same old shit she always does, but now she looks like Robin Williams and Micheal J. Fox's demented lovechild, as seen on the right:
See also
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