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Indiana
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A RECYCLING PLANT IN RICHMOND, WHICH IS NEAR THE OHIO-INDIANA BORDER, COMBUSTED INTO FLAMES |
Indiana is a mythical land somewhere in the United States of America that is home to corn, rednecks, Christians, cats, drag racing and meth. Indiana is a proud former (as of Last Tuesday) member of the Dumbfuckistan province of America. Nothing happens in Indiana. It is commonly known to Americans as the "are we there yet?" state, because every highway in America goes through Indiana. However, if you dare to suggest building a passenger train to relieve traffic, the auto industry whore Aaron Freeman will hunt you down and brutally execute you with his Tesla Cybertruck.
People
Indiana's biggest bluff is the fact that it has the highest percent population of rednecks of any non-Southern state. A significant number of black people and Mexicans also live in certain areas but the only reason why they are allowed to is because they make up the bulk of the Pacers basketball team, since everybody knows that Whitey can’t jump.
Indiana residents are called "Hoosiers" due to the fact that nobody knows how to pronounce "Indianan". Some argue that the term originates from asking visitors "Who'sh 'ere?" while others claim it refers to frontiersmen constantly brawling with each other and having to ask "Whose ear?" they bit off to keep track of things. In reality, it comes from all of the raunchy, incestuous sex that Indiana men had with their sisters/cousins/daughters, constantly yelling, "Who’s yer daddy?" during this. The term caught on quickly and is still used today, despite the fact that in the rest of the Midwest (in fact, the rest of the world), "Hoosier" is used to refer to fat, smelly, white trash. Pointing this out to a Hoosier is a terrific IRL drama-generating technique, unless they are not white trash; then they will just shrug and agree with you.
Culture
Indiana culture revolves around four things: corn, basketball, meth labs, and NASCAR. Other pastimes include:
- Growing corn
- Harvesting corn
- Eating corn flakes
- Making cornbread
- Shitting in cornfields
- Raping daughters
- Raping Sons
- Raping livestock
- Licking Poop
- Pretending to be relevant
- Leading the world in redneck fashion
Economy
Major Exports
- Fat people
- Meth
- Teen Pregnancies
- STD's
- College graduates (Indiana has the lowest rate of college graduates who remain in the state after graduating. Srsly!)
- Stupidity
- Garfield
- Michael Jackson
- IU sweatshirts and Notre Dame visors
- Inbred Genes
- Diarrhea
Major Imports
- Anything Walmart sells
- Anything McDonald's sells
- Fecal waste
- Fat Girls! Fat Girls! Fat Girls!
- Undesirable whores
- Soiled underwear
- Dollar Store Strip Malls
- Pick-em Up Trucks
- Outcasts from all other states (Indiana Government)
Cities
Indiana has no cities, just bumfuckistan farmtowns and the occasional gas station. The closest thing to a metropolitan area is the capital of Indiana, Indianapolis. It is nothing more than a Indy Car motor speedway surrounded by a series of trailer parks occupied by rednecks and more rednecks. These two groups often use chainsaw fights to choose which piece of wood they'd like to live under. The north side of Indianapolis is inhabited by indie fucks and rich people that baw about being from Indiana and how no one intellectual lives in Indiana. All of these people fap to pictures of Chicago
- By the time you read this bullet point, you'd blow past French Lick.
- South Bend is just one gigantic goddamn fucking homeless shelter, with the occasional off-Broadway show like "Ingrown Pubic Hairs: The Musical", and rumors are they have a football team there.
- Bloomington prides itself on being the most liberal city in all of Indiana. So you better fucking believe there are faggots running around all over. The Town is divided into two separate sides, the west and east side, but the two main high schools are named North and South. The east side has all the rich foreign doctors while the west side demonstrates the spirit of Indiana by being open fields of corn as far as the eye can see. Famous for IU only, which Purdue hates with a passion, much to the amusement of the population of Bloomington.
- Jasper is the wood capital of the world, without the aid of Viagra. Their high school basketball team sucks so much, their only state championship was in 1949. They have an annual festival called "Strassenfest", which is German for Mardi Gras.
- Evansville is one of those major cities without fancy buildings. Instead, it's strewn with shitloads of highways, Fucktons of minimalls and will have a clover-shaped road on the way. The commuters are friendly.
- Michigan City is a casino full of fail and a beach with hillbillies crawling on it like crabs. There is also a strip mall that has MOAR AZNS than Aza.
- Fort Wayne is the site of an elaborate experiment to see if hillbillies and rednecks have the will to attempt assimilation with trailer trash. It is going quite well, so well in fact that small injection molding and quilted purse factories for rich bitches are putting General Motors out of business.
- Terre Haute is a special city in Vigo County. It's pronounced Veego, not Veyego like some dumbfucks do. It was once inhabited by Larry Bird (he went to school there) and witnessed the execution of Timothy McVeigh (yay?). It has also been thoroughly dissed by Steve Martin at least 100 years ago. Terre Haute is also well-known by its fragrance, detectable from passers-by driving through on the Interstate, which comprises a distinct mixture of creosote, paper mill, and shit. Terre Haute is also home to true patriot Kevin Orpurt, the Channel 10 weatherman.
Most of the Chicago metro area lies in northwest Indiana. Indiana is not allowed to collect taxes from anyone living or working in this metro area. Instead they are paid billions of dollars by Illinois to allow Chicago's trash to be dumped in the pumped out swamplands of Lake and Newton counties. This process gives Chicago's large gypsy population income to buy wifebeaters too small for them by hauling the medically condemned filth to it's destination.
Some people claim that Gary is also a major city but this is a lie since it is actually just a large public housing project owned by Chicago for the black person. The only reason Chicago tolerates its existence is because it's much easier to open casinos in Indiana and cigarettes are cheaper there.
Weather
Indiana's weather also can't make up it's fucking mind. Starting as of March, one week it is snowing 5 inches, and the next it rains worse than an American slaughters the English language. However, now its a-okay, because everyday its 1 degree away from setting all of Indiana's corn fields on fire.
Summer: Uncomfortably warm and sticky. Like your creepy uncle who likes to touch.
Fall: See Winter.
Winter: Like a perpetual ice hurricane that exists only to make you fantasize about how the dead feel no pain. Reduces homeless population by 70%.
Spring: See Winter.
Indiana Official State Motto
"I was born in a small town. Learned to masturbate in a small town. Sister got pregnant in a small town, everybody blamed it on me!"
Education
Indiana University (IU)
Indiana's pride and joy is located in a landfill called Bloomington, Indiana. IU a university comprised mostly of ignorant Indiana hillbillies, rednecks, and trailer trash who couldn't learn to read or write with their primary and secondary educations. IU also attracts a few mental rejects from neighboring states who couldn't get accepted at universities located within their own states. The rejects from surrounding states typically raised the overall intelligence level of IU, and they are always the Valedictorians and Salutatorians of IU's graduating classes.
Indiana University is known for the basketball championships that it purchased from the NCAA. IU Administrators and Coaches send their daughters every year to seduce NCAA officials with sex and money. They then blackmail the NCAA officials into giving them basketball championships. Unfortunately the daughters they've sent were only attractive enough on just 5 occasions, even though the daughters have been sent every single year since the beginning of the tournament. A little known fact is that on those 5 occasions the NCAA officials had been at all day celebrations with an open bar, and were sufficiently inebriated.
Purdue University
Purdue fancies itself to be better than the shithole IU is, going as far as to yell 'IU sux' at any social gathering not involving IU. Located in the middle of fucking nowhere surrounded by nothing but a fucking starbuck, redneck, hippies and hobos. Purdue is proud to have enough retards to survive a fucking zombie invasion by walling the university with engineering students. Most Purdue students are foreign brown people who could not get into indiana university.
University of Notre Dame
Here be Catholics. Located near the largest congregation of Indiana's homeless people, you'd be better off never leaving campus if you go here, because it goes from pretty candles and domes to looking at a hobo jerk off into a trash can real quick. They claim to be smart like Stanford except with more accused child molestors running the place. Apparently they also have a football team who used to bootyblast all the teams they played, but now all they do is bitch and moan about "muh Rockne" and hire coaches that cover up rape and throw kids off of skylifts. If you want to learn about science, business, Jesus or Jesus's science business, this is the place for you.
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Great Moments in Indiana History
- November 6, 1811 - A third of William Henry Harrison’s troops are pwned at the Battle of Tippecanoe, one of the heaviest losses for US troops in the entire war against the Indians.
- 1924 - The KKK wins elections and gains control of the Indiana state legislature and governorship [1].
- August 29, 1958 – Michael Jackson born in Gary, Indiana.
- March 1997 Some chick really, really likes Notre Dame Football and gets in a shitload of trouble over her fangirly ways: [2]
- January 11, 2006 - Protests on soldiers’ funerals from Westboro Baptist Church prompts the Indiana General Assembly to ban all demonstrations at funerals. [3]
- April 2, 2006 - Indiana dashes headlong into the 19th century by observing Daylight Saving Time for the first time in its history. Cries of "how the fuck am I supposed to get to work on time" surround the state like a dense fog. Thousands contemplate suicide as Old Country Buffet opens an hour late.
- August 13, 2011 - God shows his love of inbred Hoosiers by blowing down a stage onto the delightful State Fair crowd, sending 7 souls into oblivion.
- April 15, 2021 - Brandon Hole radicalized by My Little Pony goes postal at an Indianapolis FedEx facility
Famous Who's yers
- Ol' Abe
- Aaron Freeman
- The school principal who beat a student into a coma and raped his unconscious body for allegedly "acting out and being disrespectful"
- Aeverine Nieves
- Barack Obama
- Brandon Hole
- Brittany "Internet Hate Machine" Holechko
- Colonel Sanders (Seriously)
- Dan Quayle
- Darren Pipster
- David Letterman
- These EDiots
- Evan Bayh
- Every Guest On Springer
- Guns N' Roses
- Jim Davis
- John Mellencamp
- Michael Jackson
- SammyClassicSonicFan
- Kurt Vonnegut
- Mike "Like the cock? Get the shock" Pence
- John Nolte
- Ryan White
- Sean_Matuszak
- Stephen Quire / wafflepwn
- Tim "Treeboy" Bush
- Wilbur Wright
- William Henry Harrison
