Darkfall

PAID BETA

Darkfall is a MMORPG that has been in development since 2001, and unlike typical MMORPGs such as EverQuest and World of Warcraft, it is not level and item-based. The development team, Aventurine, has been promising beta signups over and over as time went on, but has always failed to deliver...until August 29. Supposedly, on November 10, Darkfall devs would let a lot of people into beta. Guess what? They lied!

I WANT TO BELIEVE

A photo of Tasos Flambouras, the lead developer

Vaporware No More?

Telling us that it will be out before Christmas, Aventurine finally made applications for beta available, causing an epic chorus of "NO WAY." across the Internet. Could it be? Could the game really be true? Why, yes it was, since the developers created a YouTube channel for hosting trailers of the game. Too bad the game's graphics are, well...

Also, they did this RIGHT before Warhammer's release!

After the following videos were released, the developers claimed the game would release by Christmas 2008, and then changed it to January 22 because the game was nowhere near finished. Open beta was scheduled to begin January 25.

However, that didn't last, because on January 15, the release date was delayed again, and open beta would begin on January 22. Despite the fact that many were touting it as "open beta," one had to be invited to get in, making it another closed beta. Then, the entire site had the shit DDOSed out of it. Also, pre-orders are available mid-February. Something tells us that things are going to go horribly, horribly, wrong... But alas, all it not lost! For on July 7th, the American Servers will be launched. The lack of faith still stands, however. Nevermind. They're all faggots for pushing it back to July 13th. This was expected.

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What Darkfall Boasts

Fap fap fap fap

Aventurine gloats that their game has a ton of innovative features, and thorough testing is being done to make sure the game is polished and ready before it was released. These boasts are typically waved around by the fans at people who make even small criticisms of the game. However, they are easily countered with facts.

For example, Aventurine claims Darkfall is a "Real-time MMORPG in a Fantasy setting with RPG, strategy, and action elements," which is basically every MMORPG ever made. They also claim that Darkfall has "Full physics, fun-oriented, fast paced real-time combat system where player skill also matters," but by watching the videos, the characters are pretty much poorly-animated slowpokes.

Darkfall also features the playable Mahirim race; a delight to furfags, and an additional delight to anyone who'd like to maim said furfags. This adds a whole new layer of hate to be incorporated against the constant struggle over the furred.

Along with the above hype, Aventurine has been known to delay their game for over six years and kept mentioning that beta was only a few months away. This alone caused the game to be a laughing stock, and many doubted that the game will be released before 2012. Even Blizzard and SOE are better with releasing things when they say so. Due to this, some argue this game is Duke Nukem Forever: The MMO.

Classes

Fuck you, faggot. Darkfall is too hardcore for classes. Did you think it was pussy shit made for babbies like WoW?

Races

Equal opportunities.

• Alfar - The dark elves. They were spawned from pure hatred and are the evil cousins of the Mirdain (the high elves.) Of course this is completely original and everything. When around everyone else, they throw a fit.

• Dwarves - The mountain men who are always srs-looking. They are all fanboys/fangirls of Ymir, a dwarf who taught them all CSIII, and wrote a huge book on how to not be stupid, which the dwarves read every day. If only it existed IRL.

• Humans - The humans have to put up with the separation of church and state. They also hate the furfags and like every other game, are well-rounded.

• Mirdain - Pompous asshole high elves who'd rather use huge vocabulary and politics than fight. Even though they're peaceful, they are playable in a game that's about ripping the shit out of other people.

• Mahirim - The furfag wolf dudes who recently evolved from dogs. They run really fast and the only race that doesn't want them to all kill themselves are the orks. Too bad, because...

• Orks - ... the orks believe that the ork god will rise from the volcano and murder all non-orks someday. They also have enslaved the goblins and make them do all their work.

Darkfall Gameplay

Did they deliver?! (No they didn't!)

Being an open-PvP & full-loot game, Darkfall is basically a medieval fantasy prison simulator; You have everything to gain, but you will lose it eventually.

Hours of hard work spent gathering, crafting, trading, and stealing can be lost in under a minute when other players defeat you in a fair and balanced combat scenario.

The most common complaints are:

1. "H4XX" (Translated: "You defeated me by using illegal software that gives you a distinctly unsurpassable advantage")

Ever played Chess against a two-year-old? You will be defeated at any point simply because your opponent chooses to strategically use their shoe to punt your pieces off the gameboard.

Note that every game ever made suffers from this problem, even games that were invented before electricity ...or shoes.

2. "YOU ZERGED US" (Translated: "You outnumbered us by a significant ratio, thus winning by sheer weight of numbers rather than skill & tactics")

Faithful to our Chess metaphor, being 'Zerged' in Darkfall is akin to starting a game of Chess with only one king and one pawn. Good luck.

The use of the word 'Zerg' among the Darkfall community does not carry it's original meaning from Starcraft. This is an opening for epic trolling, as every Darkfall player has their own exact definition of the term and so everyone else is wrong.

3. "YOU MACRO-WHORE NOOB" (Translated: "You used unfair 'auto-play' software to build up (grind) your character beyond any normally possible level")

Again, metaphorically, you start with at best a normal Chess setup, but all your opponent's pieces are Queens.

This third and final point is frighteningly atrocious, as Aventurine forgot to implement a skill cap in this, a skill-based game.

The Fans

While those above videos give us the gist of what the game's overall theme is, with blood and head-chopping and other shit like that, it does not show us actual gameplay. All we got is some medium-quality videos of the game jerking itself off. Adding to the fact that the damn game has been in development for more than half a decade, most people would have turned away from this game. Now for the fanboys, it's a totally different story.

Just a look at the YouTube comments give us an idea of Darkfall's fanbase.

“   The people who are insulting this game are just jealous and mad that it actually exists, graphics look really good, 5/5 stars. I'll bet most of you trolls couldn't even begin to make a great game like this.   „     —Vigatos; on jealousy.     “   These guys are the first real developers that this industry has seen in ages. They aren't just making some cash cow, this game is their work of art. Anyone who can't appreciate that should go play WAR and enjoy spamming combos and sitting in safezones.   „     —UzikAlJhaminl; on how every other MMO company makes games for the money but Aventurine doesn't.     “   The trailers don't do the game any justice, if we are to believe the "hype". They ought to release a narrated gameplay video instead that can actually sway the cynics :P Because, to be honest, the game neither looks fun nor... err, new. Like an cinematic from 98 ;)   „     —Koriander2k; on logic.     “   Whoever your quoting is a fucking ignorant carebear. Totally helpless to solve even the simplest problems on their own, so they expect the game to give them total protection and a security blanket. Socially inept fools, they shouldn't be playing games with other people, because they can't interact on an intelligent level.   „     —Tenshaku; discussing how MMORPG players are socially inept, except his type. Previous Quote | Next Quote

• 
  Typical fanboys
• 
  The developers and some other guys.
• 
  Typical basement dwellers on the Darkfall forums
• 
  Trolled.

Basically, the fans are so delusional that even one ounce of logic sends them into a fit of "GO BACK TO YOUR CAREBEAR WoW/EQ1 or EQ2/WAR!" Even if said critics aren't even MMO players, they're told to go back to some other MMO.

How to Troll Darkfall Fans

Darkfall in a nutshell.

Look, Ma! No bridle!

Darkfall fans are part of the easiest fandom to troll since Twilight. Even if none of this makes any sense to you, they are all effective in pissing the fanboys off.

• Tell them it looks like WoW. Granted, this will piss off every other MMORPG fan.
• Say that Warhammer: Age of Reckoning is better.
• Mention how awesome EverQuest is and you hope that the game has tons of quests for players to do.
• Praise Age of Conan.

• Or EVE Online.

• Logic. Use it.
• Make comparisons to Duke Nukem Forever. While this is outdated, it still riles them up.

• Better yet, show them this video!

• This technique is a bit time-consuming, but rewarding in the end:

Prima: Post this picture with this copypasta:

Darkfall is the only MMORPG accessible to the handicapped.

You can play as human with down syndrome, elf with Down's syndrome, ork with Down syndrome, EVIL elf with AUTISM, dwarf with Down syndrome, or furry scum.

Secunda: How nice.

Prima: Post this picture and reply:

It's true, look for yourself.

Then you can banter about the lack of a proper bridle in the first picture, etc.

This is what Darkfall Fans Actually Believe

Darkfall isn't like WoW, AOC, WAR, EQ2, or LOTRO, because Darkfall is a buggy POS. And where's EVE? Huh? Huh?

After Release

Way to fucking go!

So, the game was released. What happened? The servers both ingame and the ones used for the forum were brought down due to heavy traffic. Credit card numbers were being turned down, or people got charged over and over. Account management was also wrecked.

According to the faggots at MMORPG.com, the game is unpolished, plagued by macros and hacking, and the developers even make fun of their own fans. The animations are also terrible (apparently people chop down trees vertically) and the sound effects sound like they were done by middle schoolers.

FunCom pointed and laughed.

Then, on April 9, Aventurine decided that, if they do not like your character's name, they will permaban you. No name changes like EQ2 does. Nope. So within two days of April 9, all "characters with names made in an effort to confuse GMs and other players, for example adding a string of lower cap L’s and upper case I’s (IlIlIIIl) in their names will start getting their host accounts permanently banned." Sorry, trolls. On one hand, it's their game, their rules, and if they don't want retarded names, then it's up to them. On the other, lol.

Reception

The first review of Darkfall was published in May 2009. Eurogamer game reviewer Ed Zitron awarded the game a rating of 2 out of 10. However, this review has generated some controversy as it contained several basic gameplay description errors, and Darkfall lead developer Tasos Flambouras claims that game server logs show that the Eurogamer reviewer played the game for under three hours, a claim denied by the writer. Eurogamer's subsequent offer to compromise by commissioning a second opinion review (by noted games critic Kieron Gillen) was declined by Flambouras, but was carried out anyway, being awarded 4/10.

MMORPG.com gave Darkfall 6/10, praising its innovations, concepts and world design, but criticizing the lack of polish and the missing elements promised before the final release. User rating for Darkfall however is now 7.6.

Lack of polish? It is funny that the games that take the longest to make always seem the most unfinished and sucktastic.

Game Observer gives Darkfall an overall score of 83/100.

Tasos Flambouras vs. Eurogamer.net

As mentioned earlier, in early May 2009, Eurogamer tried Darkfall and rated it a 2/10. This set Tasos Flambouras, the lead developer, into RAGE mode. He said that Ed Zitron, the reviewer, played the game for only two hours and just didn't "get it."

	“	Most of these 2 hours were spent in the character creator since during almost every one of the logins the reviewer spent the time creating a new character. The rest of the time was apparently spent taking the low-res screenshots that accompanied the article. At no point did this reviewer spend more than a few minutes online at a time.	„
	—Tasos, on time;

Obviously he isn't the first or last butthurt game developer when it comes to poor reviews, but as of now, nothing to the magnitude of Jeff Gerstmann happened so far. And Darkfall is by far the only game that you have to play a long time to "get" it...

The fans, however, backed Tasos up.

Update: Eurogamer has completed a second review, 4/10, which is still a deserved low score from that site. Tasos can not be contacted for his reaction, it's assumed that he's either killed himself or is plotting his next QQ post.

North American Server

Hardcore!

Tasos decided that anyone who currently owned the game on the EU server needed to pay for the BRAND NEW product he was releasing, the NA server. He previously promised that those who bought and rolled EU would be able to transfer to play NA. What he didn't say, was that you'd have to wait three months if you wanted to play for free. If you wanted to play NA at launch you'd have to pay another $50.

Lulz ensued as a shitstorm of QQing consumed the General forum. Hundreds of subscriptions were canceled, but some retards decided it would be SUPER COOL to reroll on the new EXPLOIT FREE SERVER so they could have the privilege of regrinding all of their skills and rebuilding all of the holdings by smacking trees and rocks for hours on end. Oh wait, the first thing people did on this new no exploit server was kill Baradon 24/7 because you could get him stuck on a nearby tree.

Another fun fact: Aventurine's North American publisher is AVENTURINE, nulling their old argument that working with another company was why they had to charge for the NA client. lol@the dumb niggers who actually fell for this shit.

Intertwined Fates: The official Tasos slashfic

It was a warm sunny day in Athens, Greece. Tasos Flamboras sat beside his submissive life partner Claus Grovdal. He looked lovingly into Claus' eyes as Claus rubbed his distended stomach, five months pregnant with twins. Claus was everything Tasos wasn't, intelligent, creative, pale and blonde with the most beautiful blue eyes, a tall fragile man, both as delicate and as beautiful as a flower. Tasos was tall dark and handsome, impulsive, brutish, and dominant, your standard alpha male. Claus uttered the first words after Tasos described his NA payment options "bbbbut Tasos honey, won't the public get mad? We already had to release before the game was done, can't you find a way around it?" Tasos became enraged instantly, shouting "FUCK NO YOU DUMB CUNT, THERE'S NO WAY AROUND IT, WHAT ARE YOU SOME SORT OF CAREBEAR? HARDCORE GAMES HAVE HARDCORE PAYMENT OPTIONS, THE FANS WILL FUCKING LOVE IT". Claus' resolve was strengthened in the face of the shouting, "Sugar, you're being unreasonable! Subscriptions are already falling..." and with those words Tasos lost all self control, backhanding Claus. A few onlookers turned and looked on with horror, but went about their daily business anyways because spousal abuse in Greece is commonplace. Tasos then uttered the words that Claus always feared to hear "You think that was bad, bitch? Just wait until we get home!" Claus began to quietly weep. He opened his eyes one more time to see Tasos' fist coming right at his temple, knocking him unconscious. The minute Tasos shut the door, Claus' hell began. He had done this before, but Claus had never seen Tasos so utterly enraged. "You'll like this, bitch" Tasos muttered, as he brought the car battery in. Claus tried to cry out, but his screams were muffled, Tasos had taped his mouth shut again. He hooked the jumper cables up to Claus' nipples and cackled with glee as Claus began squirming in pain, losing all control of his bodily functions, similtaniously shitting and pissing himself. At the sight of this Tasos became even angrier, shouting "FUCKING DUMB BITCH YOU JUST RUINED MY CARPET AGAIN, AFTER ALL OF THIS TIME YOU'D THINK YOU COULD LEARN TO HOLD IT THE FUCK IN!". He then quickly removed the car batteries and shoved Claus against the wall as he took his pants off. What ensued was the most painful session of anal sex that Claus had ever experienced. Claus cried out "Tasos you're huting the babies!" but Tasos gave a disturbing response "It won't matter soon anyways". As Claus lie on the ground, beaten and bloody, Tasos stood over him with a wire hanger. He uttered one brief statement before Claus could no longer retain consiousness "I want an abortion, bitch". When Claus awoke the next day in a hospital bed, he remembered little of what happened the previous day, he asked "Tasos honey, where have the babies gone, what happened yesterday?". Tasos frowned, saying "sweetiepie, you got in a car accident and they couldn't be saved. Tasos held Claus tightly as he cried for the lost lives. Shortly after Tasos left for work, leaving his life partner in the hospital. The minute he got to work he noticed all of the other developers cowering, "What's up faggots? Why are you little bitches crying like fucking girls?" he inquired. The devs, too fearful of Tasos' rage, had an intern tell him the news "sir... Eurogamer's second review came in.... we got a 4/10". Tasos became instantly more enraged than he had ever thought possible, tearing off his pants and slamming the intern into the ground in one fluid motion. He then proceeded to utter an unintelligible and almost inhuman series of grunts and roars as he ripped open the intern's virgin anus. He ejaculated with the force of a fire hose, puncturing the intern's large intestine and killing him almost instantly. As Tasos smiled in the afterglow of such an amazing orgasm, he thought to himself "Claus is going to fucking pay for this".

TO BE CONTINUNED?

See Also

This image made a ton of nerds cream themselves.

• Duke Nukem Forever, except it won't get released ever. Released and sucks a bucket of dicks.
• EVE Online, Darkfall in HOLY FUCKING SHIT, SPACE!
• Fanboy
• Insane
• Unwarranted self-importance
• Unrealistic expectations
• Twilight
• MMORPG
• RAGE

External Links

Even YouTube knows how Darkfall turned out.

• Official YouTube channel of Darkfall
• Official website.
• Darkfall thread on Something Awful
• Darkfall thread on EQ2Flames
• Darkfall on MMORPG.com
• Darkfall wins Most Anticipated Game of 2008.

Darkfall is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

Darkfall is part of a series on MMORPGs.

[Gratz!Ding!]

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Featured article January 21, 2009
Preceded by Holocaust	Darkfall	Succeeded by Tom Newton